I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

Mini, I think mine comes from an abusive child hood. I developed rhe ability very early to cut things out. To not dwell on them, because that’s what causes the most pain, not what happens, but your emotions after.

So if I don’t particularly like someone, or they have done me wrong, I simply don’t give them another thought, if someone then tells me something fantastic happened to them I’d be as interested as I was a stranger in the street, it would be irrelevant to me.

Is it healthy, I don’t know, but I’d argue in some respects it is healthier than dwelling, there is no unresolved feelings, because there are no feelings, simply my focus and feelings are elsewhere and consumed by the positive people.

@Bluntness100

Mini, I think mine comes from an abusive child hood. I developed rhe ability very early to cut things out. To not dwell on them, because that’s what causes the most pain, not what happens, but your emotions after.

So if I don’t particularly like someone, or they have done me wrong, I simply don’t give them another thought, if someone then tells me something fantastic happened to them I’d be as interested as I was a stranger in the street, it would be irrelevant to me.

Is it healthy, I don’t know, but I’d argue in some respects it is healthier than dwelling, there is no unresolved feelings, because there are no feelings, simply my focus and feelings are elsewhere and consumed by the positive people.

@Bluntness100 that was like reading a description of myself.

The only people I have feelings for are my children. Not even my parents. And I cut my half siblings out years ago without a second thought.

I have to force myself with my husband. He’s a nice person so I am nice to him but it doesn’t come naturally.

Bluntness100

Same. If someone I don’t like suffers, my response is “Oh”. I don’t have enough emotional energy for them.

I can’t really remember actively wishing for bad things to happen to people

However, when I hear about bad things happening to bad people - I don’t care at all, honestly just feel no sympathy etc

e.g., Guy who bullied me in school (I could rant about how sick bullies are for ages, the long lasting damage they cause to others lives... and for what?!) - anyway his Dad passed away and he is now unemployed

I don’t think I’d go as far as to wish for him to experience bereavement, but it’s interesting that I really don’t care (if I heard it happened to anyone else from school or even a stranger I would feel very sympathetic)

Also, another school bully (we were in different classes thankfully so she never had an opportunity to bully me but I had witnessed her bullying others including my vulnerable best friend). The bully then died of cancer as a teenager
On the outside, I paid my respects like the rest of the school but secretly again I felt no real sympathy.

One thing I will say though is I’m not stupid enough to make my intentions clear. I would never publicly admit “oh I don’t really care anyway” after bad things happen to bad people

@Bluntness100

People criticising the OP for feeling this way completely misunderstand the distinction between emotions and thought. No-one can control their emotions

This is correct the op is describing her emotional reaction on things going wrong for people. However what other people are describing is their thoughts, they are attributing it to being the same as what the ops is saying, and as you rightly say it is not,

There is a very big difference between feeling pleased something is bad for someone, v proactively wishing ill on someone because they have something you want. A thought process caused by envy, spite, resentment, or any other range of negative emotions.

However I part ways on you with this

“People saying they don’t feel this kind of vengeful pleasure occasionally are probably very repressed*

This is just a sly dig at people who react differently and it’s totally inaccurate. Repression means you’re feeling it but suppressing it but that means youre still feeling it. But you’re lying.

I will use myself as an example. I seldom to never feel vengeful pleasure. I’m not remotely repressed. I am not pretending, I am not burying it, and the reason I seldom to never feel it, is I am not overly emotionally invested in those who would illicit this feeling in me, that’s the difference. It’s not repression, it’s how much you care about those others.

The less I like someone, the less I am likely to care about them, I simply don’t waste time, thought or emotion dwelling on them, and the more I like someone, they more I am likely to care for them, so I am happy for them if something goes well.

The outcome of this is seldom to never do I feel vengeful pleasure. Because for those who would illicit this response in me, I have already moved on emotionally and discarded them and I literally don’t give a shit. It is an irrelevance to me.

If someone I do care about has something I would wish, I feel pleased for them, I don’t feel envy, I immediately turn it on myself and think what can I do to improve my situation so I get closer to that. I do not resent the other person, I simply make it about me.

Excellent post! You friends and family are very lucky to have you in their lives.

I think you're very honest and just very human. On an evolutionary scale it's only very, very recently that we've stopped openly killing each other to secure our next meal. Just because we now have smart phones, Amazon Prime and daily fancy coffees, doesn't mean that our subconscious is anywhere near as urbane.

It's human nature to smirk at an enemy's downfall, in just the same way that it's human nature to smile at a friend's good fortune.

It's when you realise that you're smirking at a friend's misfortune that you need to seriously question why you're friends with people you don't actually like.

I think what I find difficult, if I dwell on it, is the fact that i could be fairly friendly with someone who deep down resents me, just doesn't show it.

Some people do show it and it can be puzzling.

However any of that would only matter with close relationships.

My mother was a jealous, resentful person and I found that hurtful. I remember saying to her that she never gave anyone credit for anything. It made no difference.

All any of us can do is not be like that ourselves.

Wow this thread is an eye-opener!!

I admit to feeling jealous of others at times. But i am also incredibly aware that people only post their 'best bits' on social media. I don't like when people are fake happy though, I'd much rather my friends were open if they needed a shoulder to cry on because their husband was doing their head in, than suffer in silence and pretend everythings rosy.
I am a realist. I know life isn't always perfect for people and I really appreciate honest, true feelings.

There is a marked difference though, between being jealous of someones glamourous holiday, gorgeous new home or fancy new car; and being BITTER and downright nasty /wishing harm on people, that's just a total waste of energy and incredibly energy zapping.

I wish bad on horrible people - pedophiles, murderers, people that break into others homes etc. Not actively. But like if I see something in the news, I have faith that karma will prevail on that person.

But to actively wish harm on people I parted ways with, no that's just nasty!!

@peaceanddove

I think you're very honest and just very human. On an evolutionary scale it's only very, very recently that we've stopped openly killing each other to secure our next meal. Just because we now have smart phones, Amazon Prime and daily fancy coffees, doesn't mean that our subconscious is anywhere near as urbane.

It's human nature to smirk at an enemy's downfall, in just the same way that it's human nature to smile at a friend's good fortune.

It's when you realise that you're smirking at a friend's misfortune that you need to seriously question why you're friends with people you don't actually like.

Yes, this. I genuinely wish good things on people I care about and smile when they do well in life.

What's that saying ..."with friends like those, who needs enemies"

On an evolutionary scale it's only very, very recently that we've stopped openly killing each other to secure our next meal.

Is this based on any kind of evidence?

I'm not like this and I'm quite miserable atm so you'd have thought I could relate. But I can't, I'm always chuffed for others when they do well or achieve life milestones.

Eh sounds like your friend kind of deserves it for the snide comments she's made about you. And who cares about bullies, she wasn't a nice person and likely still isn't.

The neighbour thing is a bit on dodgy ground though.

Schadenfreude - shameful joy - its a normal human trait.

@corythatwas

On an evolutionary scale it's only very, very recently that we've stopped openly killing each other to secure our next meal.

Is this based on any kind of evidence?

Well, yes, if you recognise that (on an evolutionary scale) it's only very, very recently that human beings had the social luxury of being nice and considerate toward those not in their immediate gene pool.

@I8toys

Schadenfreude - shameful joy - its a normal human trait.

Well lots of things can be considered normal because humans do them. Like murder.

Schadenfreude is more common in children than adults, and in adults it’s directly linked to self esteem, the lower someone’s self esteem the more likely and more frequently, with higher intensity, they are to suffer from this, the higher someone’s self esteem the less likely and less frequently, with lower intensity they are likely to suffer.

However your use of the term “normal” indicates you think it’s the norm. It is not, just like the desire to murder is not the norm.

That’s not quite true, peace, as a social species we have evolved to enjoy acts of kindness and good deeds.

Some people point this out in saying no act is entirely altruistic and it is true up to a point, when we help someone, it feels good. That has helped ensure survival of the species.

Of course, you are correct that when resources are spare people naturally become more selfish or at least more anxious but that’s not the same as unpleasantness for its own sake.

@Bluntness100

Mini, I think mine comes from an abusive child hood. I developed rhe ability very early to cut things out. To not dwell on them, because that’s what causes the most pain, not what happens, but your emotions after.

So if I don’t particularly like someone, or they have done me wrong, I simply don’t give them another thought, if someone then tells me something fantastic happened to them I’d be as interested as I was a stranger in the street, it would be irrelevant to me.

Is it healthy, I don’t know, but I’d argue in some respects it is healthier than dwelling, there is no unresolved feelings, because there are no feelings, simply my focus and feelings are elsewhere and consumed by the positive people.

Thank you for explaining Bluntnes100.

Yes, I think I can relate to a lot of this. I feel the same. I must have decided at some point that it was safer to be ambivalent. I can just walk away. I can't find the energy.

The only thing I cant agree on is feeling ambivalent about something positive happening for a stranger, I'd feel happiness for the stranger and nothing for someone I had cut off.

I used to work with a guy who was a bully but also a team leader. My dad was really ill - doctors gave him just hours to live, he pulled through but never fully recovered and when l returned to work, he had been slagging me for taking time off - l called him out on it and said you haven't even asked how he is - his response was why would l care, l don't even know him. So a few years later on fb, he put a long post to say his dad had died and l had to unfriend him before l could say what was on the tip of my tongue. Not sure why l accepted his friend request in the first place, he really an arsehole.

The only thing I cant agree on is feeling ambivalent about something positive happening for a stranger, I'd feel happiness for the stranger and nothing for someone I had cut off

Yes, sorry I probably mis wrote that, I meant more it would be of that level of interest to me.

I genuinely think this thread shows some folks do feel like this but really can’t comprehend that not everyone does, that it’s not the norm.

Which doesn’t mean lots of people don’t feel that way, lots of people are unhappy, have low self esteem, or are spiteful, so many reasons, but it simply doesn’t mean everyone is walking about wishing ill on everyone else and feeling joy when others suffer. It’s really disturbing that folks think everyone is feeling this way,

It would explain though the consisten threads of “is he or she jealous of me” when that person has nothing to be envious of. Some folks assume because they react this way, then whenever good fortune befalls them, it must piss everyone else off.

Wow.. so many people calling people who don't want bad things to happen to their friends 'LIARS'

I am always thrilled and over the moon for my friends success and happiness. Never felt resent, never felt jealousy.

However people who wronged me or are just evil - I get happy when I hear about things not going right for them.

This thread has taught me how naive I was ..

Genuinely I think I’m going to change my perception of the world forever after this..

I feel so blessed I don’t have this need for others to be less than me so I can rise..

What happens to earning your own outcomes through merit and if it’s not meant to be, then accepting each person has their own blessings.

I do think this affects women more than men because we historically tend to direct our passions at non diverse visions in life and so it often feels like competition when it’s not..

Bluntness100

Bluntness after this thread.. I’ve decided you are one of my favorite people on mumsnet.

No pressure :)

Oh temporary I’m sure I’ll change your mind on another thread very soon 😃

Temporary1234 yep. It must be about also finding the simple stuff that can make you happy. Doing activity that is not about competition, or gaining validation from others but just gives the individual a sense of peace or achievement.

I think it effects men and women, albeit differently. Men perhaps are more likely to act upon their emotions, and 'act out whether that is aggression or just being competitive, women are maybe more inclined to think negatively whilst trying to supress a smirk or hide their feelings. But surely that's because women have been taught to suppress their feelings, being nice is synonymous with being feminine, and being physically more vulnerable it might be dangerous to do otherwise.

So I don't think women are more likely than men to find joy in seeing harm to others. Men are more likely to do harm to others.