I'm not a very nice person

[Everly82]

Ok, that's not strictly true. I'm very friendly and polite, treat people equally, hold doors and smile at strangers. But...I'm often pleased when things go wrong for others (not major things like illness, but if they were to get a house that I would want to live in and it fell through, for example). My friend recently failed her driving test and I wasn't unhappy for her because I can't drive and she has made snide comments before. Next door's house is a tip which pleases me because it makes me feel better about my own and weirdly superior. My high school bully is now obese. Very satisfying.

Am I an arsehole? The reality is, I'm miserable and not where I want to be in life. Is this jealousy? I'm starting to dislike myself.

I was raped as a child, i genuinely wish a slow and painful death on the man who raped me. If only I could be as kind as you are hmm--not sorry

It’s completely understandable for you to feel that way. I wish the same on this ‘man’ for you. Evil, evil bastard.
But that is very different from feeling happy when your friend fails their driving test. You should want good things for your friends surely.

@Dongdingdong

ignore the awful PP - this feeling is really common and completely understandable.

@GlummyMcGlummerson you think it’s “really common” to wish for a stranger to lose their baby? It really isn’t and if you genuinely think that it is then you need help.

Yes it's common for those with fertility struggles to be envious of people who have babies, or believe that certain people don't deserve their babies.

Women go through hell with fertility treatments, loaded with hormones and desperate hope - that is never gonna bring out anybody's best side.

Take your judgement elsewhere

I'm quite enjoying the fact that everyone else has had to join my region in lockdown. We've had 7 months of shite while others got to open up and go back to normal. It's been shit here and I'm glad we're not the only ones any more

That is not what the poster said, glummy

It’s like the Shakespeare play Othello. Even though Iago is horrible, and he is destroying Othello and Desdemona for absolutely no good reason at all, you still, somehow, want him to succeed. Rooting for Iago always made me wonder if I was a bad person..

I often feel the way you do, OP. I wonder if it comes from watching too many Hollywood films, and then I expect “justice” or “karma” to work in the real world. Often it doesn’t, so when I feel like it has on a certain occasion, it makes me feel more peaceful. Like someone got what they deserved.
I found out this week that someone who grew up on the same street I did died very suddenly in his early thirties and, aside from the obvious tragedy of the situation, it feels so unjust. And that doesn’t sit well with me at all.
So when I hear someone I don’t like has suffered some sort of setback, it makes sense to me, and it feels, for a brief moment anyway, as though there is some justice or order in the world.

This thread is depressing.

I do have a secret fascination with karma when someone belittles me or doesn’t wish me well in life i do feel a bit of relief when they are about to face the same thing but then I don’t like how bitter I sound and it causes me an internal conflict.

But for people who have done me no harm.. no not really.. I do wish them to achieve what they want regardless of where I’m at.

But I recognise I’m lucky with that. I do have other flaws but I’m genuinely empathetic to a fault.

Check your empathy score OP. Might indicate you need to work on your mental health a bit

@GlummyMcGlummerson you think it’s “really common” to wish for a stranger to lose their baby? It really isn’t and if you genuinely think that it is then you need help.

I agree. Wishing someone to lose their baby is awful, no matter what you have been through. People can’t help what they feel, but if I had had those thoughts, I would have found them very disturbing. I think it would be understandable to maybe not want to be around pregnant women or babies but it’s something else entirely to wish someone to lose their baby.

Yup. Schadenfraude. The pleasure of things going wrong for others. Tbh I think it’s just the natural counter balance to social media and the positive sanitised happy clappy or self indulgent version of life people portray on social media

@BadTattoosAndSmellLikeBooze

I was raped as a child, i genuinely wish a slow and painful death on the man who raped me. If only I could be as kind as you are hmm--not sorry

It’s completely understandable for you to feel that way. I wish the same on this ‘man’ for you. Evil, evil bastard.
But that is very different from feeling happy when your friend fails their driving test. You should want good things for your friends surely.

True.

But someone saying "I never ever had a bad wish on anybody ever no matter how awful they've been to me" must come from a place of tremendous privilege (and is smug as fuck).

GrumpyHoonMain

Your comment made me feel sick. I wish I hadn’t read that as it’s probably the worst thing I’ve read on here.

@Youngatheart00

Yup. Schadenfraude. The pleasure of things going wrong for others. Tbh I think it’s just the natural counter balance to social media and the positive sanitised happy clappy or self indulgent version of life people portray on social media

How is that pronounced. I want this word in my vocabulary

Sha-den-froy-da (I think!)

I have done this since I was very young. I can't empathise with people unless they are in or have been in a similar situation to me. I know I lack empathy, but then I have huge empathy for animals rather than people. If I hear about an animal being abused I get very distressed, whereas if it's a child I feel a bit sad but move on quickly and don't think much of it (unless of course it's really bad like Baby P).

@GrumpyHoonMain you should be ashamed of yourself. That’s one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever read on here

@username108 yes I’m the the same re animals. I think it’s because animals are innocent and humans are fundamentally flawed - all of us.

Tbh I think it’s just the natural counter balance to social media and the positive sanitised happy clappy or self indulgent version of life people portray on social media

Then it’s a natural way for you to check that your social media involvement is a bit unhealthy and you need boundaries around other people’s personal lives and yours?!

I think we go through phases of being sincere/genuine human beings and sometimes feeling too vulnerable mentally to accept our own circumstances... and I think when I start wishing harm for others is a clear res flag to me that I need to step back and work on accepting my life and grieving for the one I assumed I would have and just accept that we are all different.

I did experience those thoughts a few times but I was also quite good at recognizing that this isn’t the Person I want to be and so put in some boundaries to my social interactions until I could be a genuine member towards those that helped me recognise my own insecurities.

It’s healthy stages of life to recognise and learn about urself through what others make you feel at times and learn how to manage that and move forward towards the person you want to be..

I think the greatest asset to have is to be able to live at peace with yourself internally

But someone saying "I never ever had a bad wish on anybody ever no matter how awful they've been to me" must come from a place of tremendous privilege (and is smug as fuck).

I don’t think there are many people who would say that though. I know one person who may fall into that category, she’s very religious and very forgiving but has definitely not lived a privileged life.
I don’t worry about wanting bad things to happen to bad people but if I was having these thoughts about my family and friends or anyone who hadn’t been bad to me or anyone, then I’d want to change. I don’t think someone can truly be happy living like that.

I don’t feel like this, or at least can’t think of a time I have. I doubt you’re horrid though, and your feelings are yours.

I think it's your own unhappiness, projected onto others and the world around you.

It is not very nice and many, happier, people do not feel like this.

Feeling like this about former bullies is a different thing. Far more understandable.

OP, the examples you give are not really wishing ill on anyone. They’re examples of being pleased that something which would have made you feel bad about yourself, didn’t happen. So you are pleased your friend didn’t pass her test as then you feel worse about not driving. You are pleased your neighbour’s house is messy as if it were tidy you’d feel worse about yours etc.

I think this understandable, especially if you don’t feel good about yourself. At the end of the day though, other people’s lives being a little worse won’t actually make yours better. Hope things improve for you soon.

As regards the debate upthread: not being able to get pregnant does very strange things to many women. I had a totally different personality (and it wasn’t nice, at all) during our long ttc period. No judgment.

yes I’m the the same re animals. I think it’s because animals are innocent and humans are fundamentally flawed - all of us.

Interesting! Sounds like it’s a reaction to being hurt early on in life then ?

Maybe it shows that you need to work on being forgiving towards human nature and more understanding that what determins is isn’t our flaws but it is our WILL to work on them and nurture our good side and be a positive influence

But that’s my religious beliefs influencing all that!

I think you misunderstand a bit, glummy

Of course I am no saint and wish bad things upon people when they have hurt me in some way. It’s a natural reaction stemming from hurt. I think many of us with experience with small children will have experienced an accidental head butt or kick or similar and often that makes us feel even briefly raging with the child, even though logically we know it wasn’t on purpose. Pain equals anger, it is as simple as that.

What is harder for me to understand and what I don’t think is healthy is when that pain is hung onto, years, sometimes decades, later. I’ve noticed this a lot on here: the delight at school bullies becoming obese or poor or some other terrible death-by-MN crime, and the devilish joy the poster takes in relaying it.

That is not healthy - no matter how much it might be claimed that it is justified because of past wrongs. That is consciously holding onto the pain. And it isn’t hurting anybody else.

My school bullies are now of no more importance to me than the fact it once rained when I wanted the sun to shine. I wish them no harm, they are simply not important enough for me to dwell on.

Anger has its place but it is extremely destructive when it is purposefully held onto.

I meant to say, it’s more relief you are feeling at avoiding the thing that would have made you feel worse.

@Youngatheart00

Yup. Schadenfraude. The pleasure of things going wrong for others. Tbh I think it’s just the natural counter balance to social media and the positive sanitised happy clappy or self indulgent version of life people portray on social media

I suppose a good example from me would be a school mum who does the whole "perfect life" on social media, always gushing about how much she loves her "gorge hubby" (yes she uses this term 🤮 despite the fact her husband looks like Bilbo Baggins) and her kids - "look we built a giant model airplane during lockdown", "look we're doing some impromptu glamping in the garden because our 2yo insisted" "look we are doing extra work on top of home school work, Henry was absolutely adamant that he wanted to continue to learn" don't we just love each other, aren't we just so happy, etc - major showing off.

Saw her the other day quietly having a row with her husband in the school car park and telling him to piss off.

I won't lie, it made me feel a bit happy 🙊 I mean I hope they're ok and everything but I think it's a sign of the times, all the social media fakery is annoying and obvious in equal measure! I'm not proud of the fact I felt happy - but I can't help how feel and I figure as long as I'm not going up to them saying "Ha, gotcha, what happened to #familyforever" then it's fine.

I think it is possible to point out that a certain train of thought is not healthy and is self destructive without being judgemental.