To say to parents that it's all the kids or none of the kids?

[GhostBrocolli]

Very basic.

1 child from a previous relationship, 2 children with DH.

DC1 has no paternal family at all.
DH family treat DC1 like they don't exist and shower DC2&3 with attention, gifts etc.

I've previously stated (with DH in agreement) that they either treat all DC the same wether that's a treat for all or none. (We're not the type to get upset if they chose none, this isn't a material issue.)

This is still happening though and I feel it needs to be readdressed with them AIBU?

YANBU. Why are they so cruel 😢

I am with you, up to you and DH, and extended family need to respect that.

What's the age gap here?

Could your DH adopt DC1, and if so would that help do you think?
(as you say no paternal family).

This is so sad. You are not being unreasonable!

It depends.

YANBU. Some people are so shitty.

Really cruel of them.

They're wankers.

I think this is hideous behaviour and extremely damaging.

Stand firm.

Yanbu. Mumsnet is usually full of posters saying you can’t expect family to treat step children with warmth and affection (though happily no sign of that so far!) but it upsets me so much to think of a child, who can’t possibly understand the nuances of love and blended families, as a second class citizen. I’m glad you’re standing your ground.

Wow that's really ignorant.

I don't think the age gap matters. You are a blended family, nobody should be "othered".

I don't think they have to treat them exactly the same, but to shower two with gifts and ignore one is not on.

What is the age difference in the children?

It's a bit different if the eldest is a teen whilst the other two are under 5, compared to if all three are under 10, for example.

We are nc with dh's dps.
They didn't acknowledge their biological dgc - only my other dc...
Go figure!!

My BF has a child.

I have 3.

Should he have to I’ve my kids the same as he does his own? Really?

@chickenyhead

Wow that's really ignorant.

I don't think the age gap matters. You are a blended family, nobody should be "othered".

Agree, but if the treats involve e.g. trips to soft play or a farm park then an older teenager probably wouldn't be interested in the first place..

I think age of child, age of child when they met, relationship of child to your DH etc would all influence this tbh.

It really sucks that DC1 has no paternal family but it's not your PIL's fault.

Dc are 11,7,5

DH could adopt I suppose but we're happily married and live together as one so he shouldn't have too really.

DH family have made it clear they don't feel the same about DC1 but I think that for the sake of a child they could at least make the effort, it wouldn't kill them to buy a token gift or alternatively chose to get nothing for them which is equally ok.

I worry that DC1 will start to notice.

When growing up I was in DC1's place with my step family and it hurts.

Incidentally is DC1 a different sex to the other children?

I understand it’s hurtful to you.

But I can kind of see where they’re coming from. If you split from your DH they’d have no contact with your DC1.

I wouldn’t, for example, leave anything in my will to my son’s stepchild.

Yes depends on the age. I have a teen and then two little ones with my DH. Teen doesn't have much of a relationship with pil's however...he has a big paternal family.

Pil's never leave him out when it comes to presents and sweets etc but they are naturally more interested in the little ones!

There's quite a distance between your first post (treat them all exactly the same) and your second post (give them a token gift).

Yanbu. If the first child was say in their 20’s then maybe not. But all are children. I think it’s cruel.

You sound like a fantastic mum and it's great that your DH is in agreement with you.

In your shoes I wouldn't hesitate to tell his family to treat all the children the same, or stop.

Totally agree. We gave this scenario. They chose none. Their loss x