To say to parents that it's all the kids or none of the kids?

[GhostBrocolli]

Very basic.

1 child from a previous relationship, 2 children with DH.

DC1 has no paternal family at all.
DH family treat DC1 like they don't exist and shower DC2&3 with attention, gifts etc.

I've previously stated (with DH in agreement) that they either treat all DC the same wether that's a treat for all or none. (We're not the type to get upset if they chose none, this isn't a material issue.)

This is still happening though and I feel it needs to be readdressed with them AIBU?

I had 2 DC when I married my DH. His family accepted them although they spent slightly less on them at Christmas but not enough to notice. My DS now has a DSS as far as I am concerned he is my DGS, treated and loved exactly the same as my other DGC. He has no paternal family around, I am not sure if this would make a difference, but I highly doubt it.

Sad isn't it how some people are just not even willing to try an bond with the child this child is apart of the family if they like it or not. Yes you need to tell them out right you are a family an there are 3 children in your family not 2.

I have never let it go unchallenged! I wouldn't, as said I've been that unwanted child and the only thing that made it a smidgen better was my Mum refusing to stand for it. DH and I have always called them on it, quietly and calmly but very blunt and as a result we had a period of time where they did chose to give a small gift each to the children and that was fine.

Recently they've reverted back to how it was it started small and then the divide grew and now and as DC1's birthday has very recently passed with not even a phone call we have spent the time since deciding wether to have another talk with them (along with DH) or to withdraw from them quietly with dignity or to announce in conversation that as it's happened again we won't be making contact anymore and future gifts will be returned.

I wasnt related to my brother and sister's grandparents and they never treated me differently, ever. And they could be arses sometimes. But I always felt the same, in every way, even when my mum and their son divorced. I'd even go stay with them without my brother and sister. Family doesn't have to be blood; my stepdad is 100% my dad, blood or no blood.
I think its great that you are standing up for DC1 like this; my mum was the same and it made such a difference to our sibling relationship and to me! Your children will thank you for it- I say children as it will matter to the others too. Keep strong, you're totally justified.

How do they act around DC1 compared to their grandchildren, and are the gifts birthday/Christmas or every time?

This depends on context a lot, if they are being noticeably cold to him then they are being cruel but at the same time if you are predisposed to latch on to anything they do to find evidence they aren't treating him the same, then you could be blowing it out of proportion and they may not be being unreasonable. That's not to say you are, but more context would make it clearer.

Sorry I can’t even begin to understand this. It’s a child FFS. They don’t understand why they’re being treated differently they just know that they are.

For context, my MIL has 2 step grandchildren. She is not English and she was born and raised in a very different culture. Her DIL is English and has older children (6 and 14). My MIL immediately swooped them under her wing and that was that, they are now hers. No different treatment, nothing.

THATS how I think it should be done.

@pjmask

Yes *@kcar* based on your posts you are right, you are a bad person

Why?

I’d buy a gift, a smaller one, but not crap.

But I wouldn’t invest of myself in the same way because if there was a split I’d be cut off in the same way I was before.

Why am I not entitled to protect my own mental health?

@Kcar

Because as the adult you have to be the bigger person, you don't protect your own mental health at the expense of an innocent child based on your own previous bad experiences,

@Kcar you don't sound like a bad person at all.

I have to protect my mental health. I am allowed to do that.

I’m being honest. Others wouldn’t be.

I would never exclude the child. I wouldn’t ignore their birthday and they’d get a gift.

But honestly? They’ll always be slightly different in my head.

OP I completely agree with you! A child cannot have enough love in their life! They don’t have to be blood to be family! Treated equally has always been the way in my family! X

Do you have any idea what it’s like to love children with all your heart. Really love them. Take care of them.

And then have them taken away. Never to see them.

Ever.

Of course I’m not going to put myself through that again.

Quite frankly OP i would be going a step further. I would be saying that I would be cutting contact unless the situation changed immediately. And DC was expecting a late Xmas present. It's outrageous behaviour. Imagine treating a child like that. They must be quite disgusting individuals.

Sorry I mean a late birthday present.

A lot of people have suggested adoption but there is also the parental responsibility route which is simpler I believe.
www.familylives.org.uk/advice/your-family/stepfamilies/stepfamilies-legal-information/adopting-stepchildren/

Anyway, YANBU OP.

I think you need to go back an read this you make no sense.

But if they split he has zero rights and the op could stop him seeing that child and by extension me if I was the granny in this scenario.

I simply will not put myself in that position again.

And like it or not, the OPs DC1 hasn’t been adopted, nor does the op DH have any legal rights to tat child. And that makes a difference.

Maybe go for a partner without children then.

*that

Our step nieces and nephews get exactly the value gifts as the bio nieces and nephews. We are actually very close to step niece and nephew and our DCs love them, they are 100% cousins. DH's family are missing out by not making that bond.

People forget that they won't always be the ones in a position of power and the benefactors. They may find in years to come that your DS is kind and generous towards them. How will they feel then?

Grandchildren always appear after you have built a life and other relationships, you make that bond from new. For a young step child, they won't have that before period and won't understand why their family treats them differently from siblings. It is really sad.

Me? I deliberately chose not to date someone with young children since y divorce . My boyfriends child is 25.

I think this is awful and it says a lot about them that they either can't imagine how the older DC feels or they don't care. It would be more understandable if DC1 was much older and they had only known them say, from age 12. But they knew this child since a toddler! what message does it send t the other 2 as well?
Adoption may be a good idea in terms of protecting DC1 and PR (or there may be another solution, you would have to ask a solicitor- I knew a family who adopted in similar circs and it was a long process. But I don't see that it will help the GP issue, they will still see this poor child as an outsider,
Perhaps when the GPs are due to visit you could plan a lovely day out just you and DC1, OP.