Page 5 | To say to parents that it's all the kids or none of the kids?

GhostBrocolli · 2020-11-05T19:56:07+00:00

Very basic. 1 child from a previous relationship, 2 children with DH. DC1 has no paternal family at all. DH family treat DC1 like they don't exist and shower DC2&3 with attention, gifts etc. I've previously stated (with DH in agreement) that they either treat all DC the same wether that's a treat for all or none. (We're not the type to get upset if they chose none, this isn't a material issue.) This is still happening though and I feel it needs to be readdressed with them AIBU?

Fortheloveofgodwhy · 05/11/2020 21:49

I have 3 children 13,11,9, the eldest is not DHs, the other two are. I’m glad to say my ILs and their extended family all treat DC1 exactly the same, if they didn’t I would be sending back gifts sent for DC2 AND DC3 explaining why. They have been raised as siblings and are all children of our family. I wouldn’t accept anything less and neither should you.

MisfitRightIn · 05/11/2020 21:57

I would go back and talk to the Grandparents. Explain that even if t hey don’t feel the same about DC1, they should act the same. Otherwise it’s hurtful, and obvious how they feel.

I’m a stepmother, and also a Mum, and have always treated the children the same. And I’ve found that acting a certain way with my stepkid means that they reciprocate in kind. And so the love grows.

I do hope your In Laws can change for the better, and I think you’re being a great Mum.

jelly79 · 05/11/2020 21:59

Why would you treat a child based on how you would feel if something happened between their parents that hasn't happened yet

Risk a child feeling unwanted, excluded and rejected despite them having gone through this before

Just incase you are upset if the parents break up.

There would be no second chances if my child felt excluded. Why does that even need to be spelt out to an adult!

Halliehallie9828 · 05/11/2020 22:05

They haven’t done anything wrong. Your dc1 is nothing to do with them. Dc1 isn’t their grandchild.

chickenyhead · 05/11/2020 22:08

Wow, yuck.

I would ask them to let you know what they are getting DC2 &3 so that you can compensate DC1 in their place.

ChikiTIKI · 05/11/2020 22:12

When is the next dc birthday? If they ask what they will want for a gift, can you say something like "please no gifts, it wouldn't be fair on dc1 and we thought we weren't celebrating birthdays anymore anyway since dc1 birthday went by unnoticed"

KittyWindbag · 05/11/2020 22:28

I can’t believe some people think they’re being reasonable. On what planet is it ok to exclude a child? Kids are kids. Way to give them issues as they grow up. I honestly despair. It’s not hard to throw in an extra gift and just be fucking friendly and nice. If you can only be friendly and nice to your actual flesh and blood you’ve got wider problems.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/11/2020 22:30

I think its unkind to completely exclude a child.

But as a PP said, you can't make them love a child that isn't "theirs" like their own DGC. In their shoes I would include in gift giving because I would not want to make a child unhappy, but honestly, I too just would not feel the same about a child that wasnt my own blood and its hard/impossible to pretend as if you truly do.

madcatladyforever · 05/11/2020 22:44

People are vile. Do they have any idea how this will affect DC1's mental health when they grow up. Do they even care?
They sound like horrible people. I wouldn't want them round any of my children.
I was treated like a poor relation and it damaged me forever.

Happymum12345 · 05/11/2020 22:46

I just can’t imagine ever treating any child differently like that. It’s awful. I’d understand a tiny bit more if your dc had a chance paternal side of her family, but as that is absent, there is absolutely no reason for this.

Milkshake7489 · 05/11/2020 22:51

YANBU poor kid (though it's great that DC1 has both you and your DH looking out for them!).

Obviously the ideal situation is for your in laws to view all three children the same way (and I'd struggle to have respect for people who can't open their hearts to a child because they're not blood relations), but you can't police their thoughts.

What you absolutely can insist upon however is equal treatment for all three children. No child needs presents from grandparents but they do all need to feel equal within their family... especially if your oldest has no relationship with his biological dad.

All or none is a brilliant approach.

LouiseTrees · 05/11/2020 22:54

Let us know what you go with and how they react. It’s awful what they are doing. I do think your DH should attempt to adopt DC1 though.

Happygogoat · 05/11/2020 22:58

Other side of coin...

If DC1 had doting father and paternal grandparents, would you feel so strongly? Because then DC1 could be getting treats that the others aren't. Presumably you would be trying to make sure DC1 doesn't shove said treats in the other twos face rather than suggesting the treats shouldn't happen. Grandparents can't be held responsible for picking up where other family should.

The difficulty here is the grandparents seemingly are putting it in your DC1s face!

I think they are unfair to make it so obvious, everyone should play the game for kids, but you can't expect them to feel the same as they just wont.

I say this as a child of a blended family. It's great your partner is in agreement and treats DC1 the same. My stepdad bought me and my brother £1 Cadbury's Easter eggs once (nothing wrong with that) but my sister (his bio) one of the epic £10 fancies. Such a small thing but i so remember it and feeling very weird and confused/not liked.

As long as this isn't happening in your home I'd say you're doing brilliantly. If you feel the grandparents make things unequal and your DC notice then they may call it out themselves (younger ones included!). Children will form their own opinions. It's probably cutting off your nose to spite face to enforce them to treat them the same when the emotions behind it mean they clearly won't/don't but hopefully you can do something special for DC1 to even things out. Once they are a teen you may find it all matters less.

Atalune · 05/11/2020 23:02

In-laws are horrible people. How even could they?!?

Don’t get it. Nasty buggers.

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 23:11

People should bear in mind that this is OPs husband's family, not OPs. Now I know she said her DH was supportive of taking action but it would be very heavy handed of OP to go into the situation saying they cannot have a relationship with their grandchildren unless they see and treat her other child exactly the same. That is hardly likely to endear her or her child to them, do people really wonder why in laws might not feel that invested if that is the attitude that is taken with them? If I were them and that is how she behaved, I would be unlikely to like OP, let alone her child that isn't related to me.

They didn't choose this situation, going in with aggressively expressed expectations of how they should behave is quite rude.

I still think it is quite unclear how bad their behaviour around the child is though. It's possible they make a point of the exclusion and that would reflect badly on them, but in principle the attitude of "love him or you're not seeing the others you vile bastards" that people are taking isn't a commendable response.

AIMD · 05/11/2020 23:21

As you all live as a family unit together and tour partner treats DC1 like his I think they are unreasonable to act how they do.

It’d be different if he was off seeing his paternal family weekly and there was a sense of you having a blended family. From your posts though it sounds very much like you consider yourselves ones family which you all belong equally to. Your SIL and BIL get it so what can’t the PILS.

Your past could be making you sensitive, on the other hand it could just mean that you are acutely aware of how important these little things are!

Personally I would talk to them again but be very straight and clear about what the consequences will be if they can’t get on board with everyone being treated the same. Your children are your priority and if the current set up is going to make one of them feel like they are outside/unwanted/different then it’s reasonable to address it.

Have you thought of applying for your OH to have parental responsibility for your DC1 too, in case he needs it ever?

Goosefoot · 05/11/2020 23:29

I generally don't think kids need to be all given exactly the same things, or have the same relationship, with all family members.

But treating one child as if they barely exist, not giving them gifts, and so on, is complete shittiness.

funnylittlefloozie · 05/11/2020 23:33

The GPs are frankly, thick cunts. Noones asking them to "feel" the same about DC1 as their biological grandchdren, but they should at least understand that it is unkind to treat a disabled child so blatantly differently. Stand up for ALL your kids, OP.

Noti23 · 05/11/2020 23:39

If I was a grandparent to children who had a half sibling not related to me by blood I would just get a little gift for them too. It’s hardly any effort. I would also make an effort to be kind and take a little interest as I know what it feels like to be left out. Normally the family would buy a gift for their daughter in law so why not her son? A parent/child is a package deal when blending families!

Notashandyta · 05/11/2020 23:40

Kcar it's different in your situation as 3 of the children are yours. Leaving one out is totally different.

I dont know how anyone could do this. So, so mean. Please stand your ground

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2020 23:46

A parent/child is a package deal when blending families.

For OPs husband. His parents made no such choice, their blending is not their responsibility. If they are being openly unkind to OP's son then they are not nice people, but it is entitled to think they owe OP's son a quota of presents because of their son's decision on who to marry, even if it would be nice of them to do so. They have no obligation.

EatTheHamTina · 05/11/2020 23:50

@Kcar

My BF has a child.

I have 3.

Should he have to I’ve my kids the same as he does his own? Really?

Not quite sure what you're trying to say. If you meant treat not I've then he's 1000% he should test your children the same. As you should his. Getting with people with kids and you plan on being long term you become blended. Blended being the key word here.

EatTheHamTina · 05/11/2020 23:50

Treat*

Nanny0gg · 05/11/2020 23:55

@aSofaNearYou

A parent/child is a package deal when blending families.

For OPs husband. His parents made no such choice, their blending is not their responsibility. If they are being openly unkind to OP's son then they are not nice people, but it is entitled to think they owe OP's son a quota of presents because of their son's decision on who to marry, even if it would be nice of them to do so. They have no obligation.

And their son and his wife have no obligation back.

I'm a GP. I've no step-grandchildren, but I would not treat them differently if I had.

AIMD · 05/11/2020 23:55

@aSofaNearYou

A parent/child is a package deal when blending families.

For OPs husband. His parents made no such choice, their blending is not their responsibility. If they are being openly unkind to OP's son then they are not nice people, but it is entitled to think they owe OP's son a quota of presents because of their son's decision on who to marry, even if it would be nice of them to do so. They have no obligation.

Similarly op and her partner have no obligation to remain having frequent contact with them if they feel doing so is causing upset/harm to one of their children.