To say to parents that it's all the kids or none of the kids?

[GhostBrocolli]

Very basic.

1 child from a previous relationship, 2 children with DH.

DC1 has no paternal family at all.
DH family treat DC1 like they don't exist and shower DC2&3 with attention, gifts etc.

I've previously stated (with DH in agreement) that they either treat all DC the same wether that's a treat for all or none. (We're not the type to get upset if they chose none, this isn't a material issue.)

This is still happening though and I feel it needs to be readdressed with them AIBU?

I would think your dc already notices the favouritism

How old was your first child when he met your DH’s family ?

There’s a big difference between wanting them treated the same and wanting them to get a token gift.

I’d get my son’s stepchild a token gift - a small gift. At Christmas for example.

Interesting replies, thanks for both sides of the coin. Thank you all.

To answer some questions,

DC1 was a toddler when DH first met him,
DC1 also has significant disabilities so is a lot younger than their years (not sure that's relevant)

DBIL and SIL treat all the kids the same which I love them for and if anything happened to DH or if we split I'd still want them to have a relationship with all the kids.

What I meant about token gifts etc is I'd rather they got each child a £ gift and that be that, but they tend to spend £££ on each of DC1&2 and not even a card for DC1. I'm not expecting them to spend a fortune to make it 'equal' iyswim.

It's not a boy/girl issue, there is a mixture.

I'm going to have a chat with DH again and make a decision on what to say. They're otherwise not terrible people, they treat me well.

" What I meant about token gifts etc is I'd rather they got each child a £ gift and that be that, but they tend to spend £££ on each of DC1&2 and not even a card for DC1. I'm not expecting them to spend a fortune to make it 'equal' iyswim. "

This should say they tend to spend £££ on DC2&3.

I can see both sides. Your first child isn’t their grandchild. If you and DH a split up there would be no relationship, I assume? I don’t believe it’s inappropriate for people to want to treat their own flesh and blood differently to a much older child who isn’t. With that said, I would never completely leave the other child out.

But based on your update, I think they’re being harsh.

You know you can’t make them feel the same.

And that’s really what the issue is.

It’s a shame, from your point of view, but from theirs, DC1 isn’t related to them in the same way.

I don’t know how I’d react. I know I wouldn’t leave things in my will, and I’d definitely get a child a small gift but I wouldn’t feel the same about a child I wasn’t related to by blood.

I’m sorry I don’t mean to be hurtful I’m just being honest.

That is terrible :(

My dad's family never treated my elder sibs from my mother's first marriage any differently and still don't. There's always more room in a family, surely! (Mine is, frankly, massive.)

God, how shit for your kids. I'm sorry. You are NOT being unreasonable.

I appreciate it Kcar, I need some perspective as my own past may be clouding the strength of feeling I have this, I don't have any living immediate relatives so I have no one to bounce stuff off.

DH could adopt I suppose but we're happily married and live together as one so he shouldn't have too really

Have your sought advice on the legalities of this?

If dc1 has no paternal family, if something happens to you what happens to dc1?

If your DH doesn’t have PR, it could get complicated. He can’t take him to hospital, can’t make decisions etc.

If you died and someone from your dc1’s paternal family came out if the woodwork could they challenge for custody? They may have more legal rights if directly related...

If you die, then your dh dies without making provision in a will your dc1 could be left with nothing.

How awful! You have been with your DH for at least 7 years and they have been in DC1s life since at least age 4.

a family member of mine had 2 boys 1 with previous partner (1st boy has full contact with his dad) then another boy with new partner together since 1st boy was about 5, together 10 years then broke up however he still sees the oldest boy who is an adult - as do his parents, it doesn’t have to be like that, some people obviously have more room in their heart then others (I know quite soppy but true!)

Go for adoption, then dc1 is a dgc. Your dh needs to tell them they are being horrid. They don’t have to love them the same but they have to treat them the same. Or they don’t get to treat them at all. Blood is only thicker than water if you choose it to be

For me it’s not about love in my heart.

I was shafted when a family member remarried. I won’t put myself in that position again.

@Newname12 - You're right, we do need to make sure of provisions. DC1 does have paternal family but they didn't want anything to do with us so I don't know where any of them are or how to make contact.
I will have to seek advice to check but DH and I have a will and good life insurance at the very least to make sure the children are provided for. We've discussed they'd all go to be cared for by close friends of ours but will have to make sure there's something legal in place.

I doubt every step relative really love their step dc /dgc the same as their own - but nobody should actually know that!! Especially not the dc!!
The fact it is obvious would make me walk away and take every dc with me..
Which we did...

I think it's understandable DH family don't feel the same about your child as they do their own grandchildren.

They should be kind to your child and if it's things like a £1 worth of sweets then they could buy for all but if they're spending substantial amounts of moneybags their grandchildren because they want to I can understand they don't want to increase this by 50% by buying for your child.

None of this is the child's fault though so there needs to be some sensitivity eg dont give the other two things or treat them differently openly.

It's a tricky one, in part I agree but my family have spent lots of time with DP's DD whereas DP's mum has only met my DCs twice if that makes sense?

My DSis has a step child who is significantly older than the 3 DCs she then subsequently went onto have with her DH but our whole family have always treated her step daughter like family and exactly the same in terms of gifts. E.g. if we were getting the kids presents for Christmas we would often do a theme like getting them all a set of books and some chocolates and her stepdaughter would get exactly the same theme and amount as the younger ones (but just an age appropriate version of course).

I'm sure that my parents probably don't feel exactly the same about her as they do about their own DGCs but it doesn't mean you can't be kind and extend that feeling of family. She's now grown up and recently got married and we were all invited to her wedding (there's a lot of us!) even though we're all technically from her step-mum's side. Family is not just about blood ties.

This is horrible.

Definitely look into adoption.

Definitely tell them to stop ignoring DC1, that is awful.

I just can't imagine what type of people would consider this reasonable behaviour. If they've got the money to spend £££ on their two grandchildren, why not spent that bit less and make sure all the children are included? It really doesn't matter that DC1 isn't your DHs, it sounds like he's still the only father figure they have and has been for the vast majority of their life. So sad

No-one is asking them to feel a particular way.

They are asking them to be fair when distributing presents, so one child doesn't get left out.

This is basic kind behaviour, you are completely right to ask for it.

They're all young DC.
Yanbu. That is awful how dare they make a DC feel like an outsider.

My half sibling is 14 years older than me. My mum's family would buy him small gifts like a book or CD at Christmas, or an Easter egg. They were always kind to him, and they also sent nice cards when he got married and his children were born.

I don't think they love him like they love me, but they do care, and were capable of showing that care.

Likewise, his mum's family bought me small gifts, and cared about me. I went to the funeral of my dad's ex-MIL, with my mum and dad. We were welcomed, and our grief was equally valid.

I think this is a good way of doing it.

I don't think you're BU, they don't have to actually feel the same, all they have to do is not make it so obvious that they don't for the sake of a child's feelings