To say to parents that it's all the kids or none of the kids?

[GhostBrocolli]

Very basic.

1 child from a previous relationship, 2 children with DH.

DC1 has no paternal family at all.
DH family treat DC1 like they don't exist and shower DC2&3 with attention, gifts etc.

I've previously stated (with DH in agreement) that they either treat all DC the same wether that's a treat for all or none. (We're not the type to get upset if they chose none, this isn't a material issue.)

This is still happening though and I feel it needs to be readdressed with them AIBU?

I have a similar family set up and in laws treat all the kids the same, they truly appreciate having my dd in their lives its not even a token thing. And she's 7 years older than ds. They don't sound very nice and I would absolutely say all or nothing, especially as she has no paternal family.

DC1 also has significant disabilities so is a lot younger than their years
(not sure that's relevant) are you sure?

I'm really sorry to hear this op, it's really shitty behaviour

My son now in his early twenties has been in his stepdads my dh life for the last 15 yrs
His parents once they new we were serious, opened my son up his own savings account like the other grandkids and put in a set amount each month
Refer to him as grandson and themselves as his grandparents
They refer to my dh as his dad
I'm very grateful to them, but it's the way they are and I can see why my dh has such amazing qualities
I hope you find a way through this

I’ve been thinking about this overnight.

I think your husbands family should get DC1 a birthday card and present and it’s wrong of them not to do so. I don’t think you can ask that they treat them exactly the same and get a gift of exactly the same value, but I do think they should make an effort to get something. I would.

But this is where it gets difficult for me.

If your DC1 had contact with his parental GPs, you wouldn’t expect them to get your other children something. They would have no obligation and no one would expect them to have to make the effort to see your other children regularly and get them gifts to the same value as they bought their own grandchild.

Having said that, I do think they should get your DC1 something in the situation you’re in.

But I think more people of they were really honest would feel that the kids weren’t the same to them - if you died tomorrow your husband has absolutely no legal rights over your DC1 and his family even less.

Some people are hung up on genetic links basically, even adopting might not make a difference. It could also be because of the disability, some people are just not fair too. Thankfully my mother is not like that, has invited dp's dd to Christmas covid permitting as her dm is working, they haven't even met (adult) and she'll have a gift or two, I know my mother!

@Kcar

Do you have any idea what it’s like to love children with all your heart. Really love them. Take care of them.

And then have them taken away. Never to see them.

Ever.

Of course I’m not going to put myself through that again.

I would wonder whether your DH’s family had had some similar experience to @Kcar, OP. My parents became very fond of my sister’s longterm partner’s children from his previous marriage, and treated them as grandchildren — taking them to sports, on days out etc. After fourteen years, when he ditched her for another woman and moved away, they weren’t even given a chance to say goodbye and were broken-hearted. They are warm-hearted, sincere people but I think they would not easily let themselves be in that situation again.

In my case it was 20 years married/together and the kids concerned were young teenagers.

It really hurt me massively. And I just won’t put myself in that position again.

All I know is that if I were the grandparents in your situation they'd be treated the same. That would apply even if the father was around.

It's not a child's fault when a family splits. I've been that kid. My mums husband was horrendous. The years living with Jim's sweet awful because he was a total dick. But his family were lovely and I never felt different to any of their grandchildren biologically there's

I'd say something to them. I'd be calm but firm.

I know children don't 'need' to be treated equally but it says a lot about someone who can consciously leave out a child that's part of the or family group. It's just mean.

I only had one grandmother growing up and couldn't work out until I was a bit older why she doted on my (annoying in my opinion at the time) cousin. We were only a few days apart in age and it was very obvious. Growing up I realised she was his blood grandmother having married my grandfather when my dad was 4. I now am a step parent and have vowed to never treat my grandchild from DSD any differently as children pick up on these things.

I have to say I agree with @aSofaNearYou, @Happygogoat and @Kcar last posts.

If the child’s paternal family were about, then you wouldn’t expect them to treat the other children the same.

The fact is the GPs nay not have bonded the same - it’s not necessarily the lack of genetic link, but they didn’t know you while pregnant and get the exciting grandchild build up, didn’t know the child from birth and even if they were introduced as a toddler, it would be slowly (I’d imagine) and not in the full on way family tend to come around newborns. It is different whether you like it or not.

I do agree it’s truly dreadful to totally exclude the child, but I think token gifts are more appropriate unless they chose otherwise, as many people do.

I think anger should be directed to the paternal family who clearly don’t care, but that’s not the GPs fault. It’s not for them to make up for the fact that your child’s father and his family are crap.

I suspect there’s an element of regret/guilt that your first husband/partner turned out that way and your other children have a caring dad. I also think you are sensitive bearing in mind your own past and should try to find a child appropriate way to explain why this situation is different and help your child deal with that, rather than pretend everything’s fine. Your child will be able to pick up on the difference in attitude, even if the GPs go through the motions of getting the same gifts.

OP can I ask what DC1 calls the grandparents, ie is it gran/grandad or is it their names?

For me, if I was the grandparent I'd have them all calling me the same (gran) but I know not all step grandparents do that? I think that says a lot though, being called gran by all helps in keeping things equal for the kids.

You are married so all kids or no kids should get treats!

I will soon be in a similar situation - I have a teenage DC from a previous relationship, he has no contact with his father or father’s family. I’ve been married to DH since my DC was 6, and DH’s family ignore my son’s birthday (apart from my lovely PIL who genuinely treat him the same as their other grandchildren). DH has several siblings and we always buy their children presents for birthdays and Christmas. These younger children would see my DC as their full cousin as they were all born after DH and I met. We are often expected to help babysit etc. I’ve pointed out to DH that his siblings still don’t recognise my DC as family. He understands my POV but would never say anything.

I’m now pregnant and I’m already geared up not to allow any difference to be made between my DC. I simply won’t accept presents/treats for one child and not the other, so I’d rather that they didn’t buy for either. I doubt think the age difference should matter as this has been happening since my DC was a young child.

I have 2 DD who have regular contact with paternal family and my DPs family treat my children the same as my DPs. I feel strongly about this.

YANBU

DH family are being very cruel here. What if PIL were taking the DGC away for the day and the children wanted to take a friend and were permitted to do so? Would the PIL only buy their own GC food/sweets the whole day and leave the friends out? I know it’s not the same but it would be cruel to leave the other children out in this scenario, the same as it is for your DC1.

I was a “step child” (mum never married the guy) met him when I was 4/5, I’m 36 now and he still gives me presents/money at birthday and Christmas and he’s been split from my mum for 24 years. His whole family still treat me like their own, I’m never left out of any family events. I don’t have a paternal family either and though it didn’t bother me, I realise now looking back that I’m really lucky to have been enveloped into this big loving family that didn’t need to take me on.

Also, my DP has a daughter who my family have been more than welcoming to her (I’ve only known her a year). They constantly ask when she’s coming down to visit and she never leaves my mums house without a small gift, be it a mega box of malteasers or a set of bath bombs. My sister and mum are already pecking my head asking what DSD wants for Christmas, they’re just happy they have another child to spoil (I don’t have any of my own yet).

It’s plain horrible behaviour and I can’t believe some of the people on here justifying doing that to a child.

I am just wondering how your PIL treated DC1 from the off, when they met them, presumably, as a toddler. Did they buy presents and cards for DC1 before you had the children with their son?

Do they struggle because of DC1's disability?

@Kcar

In my case it was 20 years married/together and the kids concerned were young teenagers.

It really hurt me massively. And I just won’t put myself in that position again.

I think that's understandable Kcar but I think even the timeframe gesture like you mentioned would help

Op hasn't said how severe her child's disabilities are but I wonder if it's a bit of that too...

If the child’s paternal family were about, then you wouldn’t expect them to treat the other children the same.
It is different tho.
Op, dh and c1, c2 and c3 will visit DHs parents as a family unit. She's their daughter in law, she's hardly going to have one kid home.
C1 would visit his paternal GPS with his Dad, Dad wouldn't take c1s half siblings.
C2 and c3 would visit their maternal GPS with their mom. She wouldn't take c2 and c3s half sibling.

I do thinks it's a bit more complicated than peoples first reaction.
It's sad that children are having different experiences in the same family, but I dont think its unusual for people to treat their grandchildren differently to children who aren't their grandchildren. They dont have that natural bond with them. And if you were to split up would they still see DC1?
I remember my mum complaining that my dads family treated my sisters differently to me, they didn't barely know my sisters, my parents weren't together, but my mum just saw from her bubble, one of her kids getting something her others didn't.
Yes it would be lovely if they just absorbed DC1 into their family and acted like they'd always known them. I'd ask them to bring a token gift for DC1 when they're bringing for the others because it feel awkward one child watching the others receive gifts.

Do you call PIL grandma and grandad to DC1?

If this was a situation where you had your own dc and your DH had dc from an earlier relationship, I would probably think differently - ie different dynamics with relationships, but if your own dc has been in their lives as long as your joint DCs, then they are being very mean. I would probably approach them direct to discuss, although I would think they have the self awareness to see what they’re doing, and why it’s wrong.

Based on your updates I think generally YANBU.

I still wouldn't expect them to treat them all equally and I don't think that's realistic, but to not even mark DC1 birthday with a card or small gift when s/he's been in their lives for several years seems unkind.

Could they be ignorant about the disability and think your DC1 isn't aware of receiving gifts etc?

YANBU and I’m so happy you’re defending your child too.

My Mum remarried and had my brother when I was six. My step-dad’s family treat me with utter contempt and always ignored my birthday, at Christmas they would wrap something cheap up from around the house. Examples were a diary for the year just gone which probably cost a quid and I was also 8 years old, what use was a diary? My Mum always tried to make a joke out of it to help me feel better but my brother would be lavished with expensive gifts and it made me so sad. I honestly felt worthless at times. They were otherwise quite nasty to me too, invited my mum, step-dad and brother on holiday when I was 14 and I got left at home... My step-dad was also abusive so it was all round shit and my Mum never defended me.

I’m just pleased you’re standing up to them, please don’t let this continue.

I'm trying to imagine them meeting you when you had a little boy who was disabled and then treating him differently to the new grandchildren. It's really horrible.

If your middle child is 7, they have (I assume) known your eldest since he was at least 4, maybe younger. It's not as if you have been together five minutes and the younger ones are your step children.

OP is there any chance of you coming back and giving more details? There's still very little to go on here, people are basing their opinion on you saying they treat him like he doesn't exist but you haven't detailed what that's like at all and you freely admit your previous experience could be clouding your judgment. It would be very unwise to go in all guns blazing and cut your younger children off from their paternal family, and probably create a rift between you and them as well, based on the opinions of people who have very little information about what their behaviour is actually like.