To say to parents that it's all the kids or none of the kids?

[GhostBrocolli]

Very basic.

1 child from a previous relationship, 2 children with DH.

DC1 has no paternal family at all.
DH family treat DC1 like they don't exist and shower DC2&3 with attention, gifts etc.

I've previously stated (with DH in agreement) that they either treat all DC the same wether that's a treat for all or none. (We're not the type to get upset if they chose none, this isn't a material issue.)

This is still happening though and I feel it needs to be readdressed with them AIBU?

I'd look into adoption.

I had a much loved niece who adored me and the second I divorced my ex, no contact whatsoever. Not a particularly acrimonious divorce, I'm an alright, safe person (criminal record checked for work!). And that was that. It was very sad. And that's a NIECE.

I can see how a grandparent would weigh up the possibility of investing emotionally and then being removed.

@Sunnydaysstillhere

I doubt every step relative really love their step dc /dgc the same as their own - but nobody should actually know that!! Especially not the dc!! The fact it is obvious would make me walk away and take every dc with me.. Which we did...

Yes - you don’t have to feel the same - you just have to treat them the same.

Dh’s brother has one child and one step child. Step child been in our lives since a toddler.

I genuinely feel the same for both boys. (Neither are genetically related to me so the step child thing much less of a big deal.) Dh does feel more for nephew as opposed to step nephew. But no one would ever know. Even I didn’t know for years until he admitted it one time.

Presents, wills, time spent with them has always been the same. We have always been really careful about it.

I grew up being your 11 year old. It wasn’t pleasant and you can be sure your eldest will have noticed the disparity. You and your husband sound a great team pulling together. I would definitely speak to your husband’s family.

as someone who's biological family on my fathers side had nothing to do with me, I can only thank my step father and his family for the love and equality they have shown me. it's sad that not everyone is able to do this. I have no doubt in my mind that my step grandmother and my step father love me. maybe in a different way to my younger sisters but they have never shown this. I was 8 as well when my step father came into my life so considerably older than your DC1 who presumably has known no different. bless them - if it becomes obvious I think you are well within your rights to put forward an ultimatum. no child should feel unwanted - certainly not one who's biological family has already done that. trust me, its damaging enough to know your real family didnt want you without that happening to you again.

This is not the way decent and fair-minded people behave. Yanbu OP.

Definitely get DH to adopt him, officially. As PPs said, your son is quite vulnerable (legally) currently. I know that wasn’t your reason for posting but it bears mentioning I think.

I loved my niece and nephew.

Spent a lot,of time with my niece in particular as she was the same age as my DD.

Invested emotionally.

I loved those kids. I picked them up from school, had them on sleepovers. They were in and out of my house all the time.

I was heartbroken that once I divorced, I had no contact with them. I tried but the phone was put down on me and I haven’t seen them since.

I won’t do that again.

Within my wider family (both sides) we have a few step children & their children - all my grandparents treat everyone the same and are included in everything.

This is so sad. Poor kid.
My brother was 3 when my mum met my dad. He took him as he own as did all of his wider family. They had 2 more kids. My mum and dad eventually split too.
My dad and my brother are now closer than me and my dad! They see eachother more and speak more even though my mum and dad split when he was 12. We were all treated exactly the same.
Makes us closer, too. I never think of him as my half brother either.
Those of you saying you'd treat the step grandchild differently.... I can't even comprehend how you could do that to a child.

Send gifts back. Include a nice note saying, 'Sorry, but unless X is included, I'm afraid we can't accept the gifts.'. I bet if you did that a couple if times, they'd start to be more inclusive.

It’s interesting to hear other people’s view. I’m one of 4 to my mum. My dad has other children... my mother would of NEVER left any of them out though! It’s mean, bad manners and dam right nasty.

I understand that your DC1 is not their actual grandchild but you are married and met your DH when your child was a toddler so on that grounds it’s shitty!

Stand up for your child OP!!

I think your at fault as the mother because you have allowed this to happen.

I would have hated anyone that made my siblings feel unwanted. For the sake of a stupid toy they are most likely permanently wounding their own relationship with their grandchildren, so more fool them.

For the record. I would never leave them out they’d get a token gift. But I won’t invest emotionally in the same way.

If that makes me a bad person so be it.

Honestly, in your shoes - for several reasons - I’d seriously re-consider the adoption option to formalise things.

Disgusting. There are lots of step children in my family and wider family, none would ever dream of doing this. One family member even cut her bio grandkids gifts back so she could make sure she could afford to buy for her new step grandkids and made sure they all got treat exactly the same. Even if you don’t personally like the child, you don’t single them out. I’d seriously pull the in-laws up.

@Kcar

You know you can’t make them feel the same.

And that’s really what the issue is.

It’s a shame, from your point of view, but from theirs, DC1 isn’t related to them in the same way.

I don’t know how I’d react. I know I wouldn’t leave things in my will, and I’d definitely get a child a small gift but I wouldn’t feel the same about a child I wasn’t related to by blood.

I’m sorry I don’t mean to be hurtful I’m just being honest.

Agree that you cannot expect people to feel the same and also that you can't make them feel so. It also depends on the context I.e. how long your relationship has been, if its serious, when they met step gc, how much involvement they have/how often they see them etc.

OP has said her partner met her child when they were a toddler. They're 10 now. Thats a long time. Though yes people may nit feel the same and may not include in big financial decisions such as wills given the child will have biological gps to inherit from it does seem a bit harsh to not try and be equal with gifting where the child has been part of the family for a long time and since a toddler

You don't have to love children equally to treat them equally.

It's beyond me how you can have a child in your life from being a toddler & not love them & want to treat them equally.

@GhostBrocolli.
After 9 years, I can't see them changing - can you? Why have you not put your foot down before now?

My half sister was this child. She was left at home when the rest of the family when to weddings etc. She was made to feel like a worthless burden. She was cruelly neglected and abused.

I too think this must feel awful for your older child. The only time this is anywhere near acceptable is when one child (your eldest) is lavished with gifts from just their own family too.

Or lavished with time, visits, trips, a relationship.

Oh how sad. Yes they may not love them the same way, that's fine, no one is being the thought police. But it's pretty easy to get the Xmas gift money and split it three ways instead of two. And even easier to get nothing.

I agree with you, OP. It wouldn't hurt one bit to give your DC1 a small gift.
My DD2 has a stepson. Even when (if) she has children of her own I will still buy him Christmas/ birthday presents.

But if he has family on his dads side, before there’s an adoption, wouldn’t they need to ask them if they agreed?