To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

It's fine OP. Maturity has a lot more to do with it than age. My kids were also of the very nature type so did things their friends would never have been allowed to. My youngest took a public bus to come home when he was 9 yo (coming to 10). He always called me when he got home. It was never an issue. He is now 17 and working PT and his co-workers think he is about 25 because of how he acts and talk.

I think it's great to hear about a young girl not afraid of being on her own.

I would insist she texts you or MIL as soon as she gets home, and text when she goes to bed and first wake up.

I would let her stay overnight on her own. She sounds sensible. She has a support relative nearby. I understand the argument of a break in but she is more likely to be attacked walking home from school. You have to weigh up the risks.

Im a relaxed parent and encourage independance as much as possible. If you trust her and feel she would be OK then I would let her stay on her own.

I would let my 14 year old do this, and for that matter she could cook her dinner if she wanted to.

I don't quite understand people asking what she'd do in an emergency. This past summer, at 15, my dd had a day job babysitting a seven and four year old, and one day had to evacuate the children and dog from the house due to a gas leak, and go to a neighbours house and call the fire department. Which is to say, they do what anyone would do in an emergency.

I had a 15 year old babysitter when I was quite small who would stay with me when my mother worked the night shift - she slept in the spare bedroom. I really think people underestimate teens, especially younger ones.

The only think I'd wonder about is whether she would find she was worried about being alone in the night. I'm 44, and when my dh goes away I'm often a little on edge the first night, even with a large barky dog. However, if she thinks she can handle that, it's not a bad thing to face worries like that.

Nope. Too young to cope with emergencies e.g. power cut, fire, intruder and so on.

I wouldn't have a particular problem with allowing this (although I think there is quite a big difference between just 14 and nearly 15), but I do agree with the couple of other posters who think it ultimately depends on what your MIL wants to do. I don't think I'd want to feel responsible for a child who wasn't actually sleeping in my house.

I think it’s too young. Even if she thinks she wants to do it, she might actually get very scared when she’s there on her own at night.

I would let her. I stayed at home alone (with no family anywhere near, just a friendly neighbour if required) for a week age 14, my parents and sister were in another country. As long as she's got rules to follow and knows what to do in the event of something unexpected happening, or an emergency.

Why is cooking such a no-no by the way?

You know your DD better than us.

If I thought she was sensible and capable then I would leave her.

As previous posters state I was often left overnight at that age - and I used to babysit locally until 2/3am whilst parents were at a nightclub. I didn't feel scared or worried at all.

She will have her mobile phone - ensure there is a list of people to call on day and night.

Guidelines are 16yrs + can be left overnight - in my job I regularly hear of under 16's being left home alone- it becomes a Police and Social Services matter- risk assessed by them and usually put into safeguarding (child protection) unless it is just for a couple of hours, there is a clear safety plan and the adult emergency contact can be with the child immediately.

She's been old enough to live on her own for a year. Unless there's any Sen or she has a history I wouldn't even think twice about it

I was home alone for a week (parents in a different country) when I was 11 and an exchange student in a foreign country when I was 15, where they gave me keys to my own apartment and expected me to manage. Was totally fine, and that was all before mobile phones. She's not a baby.

If there are any issues she can't manage, she can call you, MIL, emergency services, as required.

@LifesNotEnidBlyton

SchrodingersImmigrant You've literally written a lot of my own post there....

But no, it isnt like those things because you dont need to leave a fourteen year old at home alone at night and theres no real gain to it, walking around and cooking are things that need to be learnt at an earlier age than living alone.

I'm quite involved at the university near me, and one of the things that they have noticed over the past 10 years is how anxious and unable to cope with normal things many of the students are. Many have never really been away from supervision, or even far away from texting a parent to come to the rescue. It's affecting in terms of serious mental health issues - the rate of suicide attempts has gone way up - but also in terms of kids who simply can't attend to their education. There are also many who go quite wild at the first taste of freedom.

So, no, I disagree there is nothing to lose about not giving children the chance to cope with being in charge of themselves, or that it is unnecessary.

@guffaux

Guidelines are 16yrs + can be left overnight - in my job I regularly hear of under 16's being left home alone- it becomes a Police and Social Services matter- risk assessed by them and usually put into safeguarding (child protection) unless it is just for a couple of hours, there is a clear safety plan and the adult emergency contact can be with the child immediately.

Being left home alone overnight or being left at all?

I would allow this I think, especially if MIL is close.

I wouldn't but maybe an equally mature friend could stay with her?

Really interesting replies.

I personally wouldn't because if there was an emergency in the house her ability to respond wouldn't be the same as an adult.

So sorry to hear about your dad! I don’t think she’s too young and sounds very responsible, but I think for your sake to worry less maybe ask her to stay at MILs. I think the reason it’s not sitting right with you is that you are anxious about your loved ones health and safety more that usual with your dad being so unwell. Maybe if it was another occasion you wouldn’t feel this way.

Maybe discuss with dd from that perspective? That you do really trust her but for this trip you just want peace of mind.

I’m pretty relaxed and was left alone overnight too at a young age but no, this doesn’t sit right. Things have changed.

It sounds like you’re only considering because she’s asked?
I’d be wondering why she’s asked?

Yes we got left as teens alone at night but social media wasn’t around then, you were less likely to invite a stranger to your home or be able to instantly discuss this with your mates.

Also, at 14... it doesn’t matter how mature you are. You’re easily swayed.

Also- if something did happen would you really want to risk social services being on your back?

It would be a no from me.

I’d leave her if she’s happy. I have a 14 year old daughter who I would leave although I definitely wouldn’t leave my son who is 13 1/2! We have a ring camera and other cctv so I would be happy that she was safe.

You know your own child.

At 13 I’d regularly babysit my cousin they would have been about 3 and 1 I’d put them to bed stay up eating takeaways and watching sky and then Get up and takethem to nursery I realise now this is not normal but i was fine so where they and don’t remember any dramas I think she’ll be fine if she’s as responsible as you say

I think the fact that a 14 year old wants to to this herself is an indication that she is ready for the responsibility, and other people are only a few minutes away so I think it's an ideal situation for her to try something quite grown up with very little risk.

I’m a protective parent but I would allow this. Your daughter sounds extremely mature, she’s happy to be left and you have friends/family close by. Obviously make sure you or her grandparents call her, especially right before bed to make sure everything is turned off and that she’s locked all the doors.

Sorry to hear that your dad is poorly. 💐

I would definitely let her. You know your own child, and if you trust her, that’s good enough. I would want her to check in with her gran every day/every few hours whatever you think is best. But I think it’s a very good opportunity to show her that you trust her and respect her wishes.

You know your daughter better than anyone but I would consider the fact that she will be left alone at a time when her grandfather will have just died and as sensible and mature as she is, death and the emotions surrounding it throws a whole other curve ball into the mix, whether they were close or not.

Last summer we went away leaving DS behind. He stayed overnight with a friend , went home after school to spend time with the cat and was collected by friend after work. He stayed home for the weekend alone. He was happy to be left, is mature. Only asked friend to have him so I knew he’d be up for school!