To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

Under 16's left for a couple of hours (with safety plan and back up adult emergency contact) are usually ok- Police and Social Services will risk assess this and decide whether to act- this usually includes speaking to parent(s) emergency contact and child

Is this serious that you cannot leave under 16 alone for few hours? That's ridiculous.

I am starting to understand why so many parents are absolutely fucked in here.

I think if necessary a sensible 14 year old can stay home alone for a night or two, especially with family so near by. But, it is not necessary in this case, and you have enough to worry about, so i would say no. As a pp said, this isn't about her, or what she wants.

Guffaux please cite your source. When wondering what age it was legal to leave children alone I looked for laws and regulations, there was only guidance.

Any 18 I was left in charge of 14 year old brother and 15 year old sister. Much worse than home alone!

I'm quite involved at the university near me, and one of the things that they have noticed over the past 10 years is how anxious and unable to cope with normal things many of the students are.

Exactly. If you never leave your child alone because a randomer on internet tells you police and social services will descend on you if your 16-year old is home alone, how the heck can you expect them to be mature and functioning adult just 2 years later?

No way. X

Definitely wouldn't allow this. Not when she can safely stay on grans sofa or gran could stay with the kids at yours.
She might be very grown up etc but 14 in extremely young to be alone in charge of a whole house overnight, anything could happen, intruder being only one of them. She'd be terrified.

Really though, burglaries in residential are going down, chance of intruder on THAT particular 1 nigh in THAT partical house is VERY, very low even though that everyone is making it sound like every house gets burglared biweekly. "If anything happens call nan and/or 999".

At younger than or around that age I was a sensible, confident teen, got international flights by myself, traveled to big cities to myself, walked into a pub by myself etc... But when it came to being alone in a secluded / rural house for the night I started to slightly freak out and was very glad when my parents came home. And that wasn't even a full overnight!

Buy a pop up bed for her at your MIL’s, if she wants alone time she can visit the cat after dinner then go back to her grans for dinner

I'd leave her. But ultimately, you know her and it's your decision. I don't think you'd be doing anything wrong though in leaving her.

People used to go to work at 14. They can babysit and be responsible for little ones. I’m glad they don’t have to work now but I can’t believe some say that a 14 year old is too young to stay home alone at night. Especially with MIL close by. I wouldn’t do it if she wasn’t comfortable with it, but if she is she’ll probably enjoy an evening with phone, music, games, TV and cuddling the cat. And feel really grown up and a bit special.

Yes, because the fact we used to have child Labour is a great rationale...

I’d get grandparents to stay at your house. They have your room. Easy?

Yes, I wonder why that hasn’t been suggested

OP I think your daughter sounds fabulous.

It sounds like she is very sensible and mature. Show her you trust her and value those qualities by listening to what she says she’d like to do and letting her. If after a night she doesn’t like it, she’s got an option round the corner with her gran. I regularly stayed home alone at that age and it was bliss!

@justicedanceson

How far is the grandparent? Could the gran not go and stay in your bedroom so the kids can sleep in their normal bedrooms?

Yes this would make sense.

I did at that age. You can call her every evening to check she'sokay.
If she finds it too much she still has the option of staying at Grans.

    If she has to stay at grans perhaps you could borrow a camping airmat and sleeping bag so she can sleepon the floor and not share a bed.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to reply.

And um... thanks, I guess to those who took the time to reply but not actually read the thread or at least selecting just my posts answering almost all of the questions repeatedly asked.

@SchrodingersImmigrant as I do often do, I agree with what you are saying.

Sleeping bag or packing extra bedding and sleeping on the floor/in another room sounds like the best solution all round, if she's not used to staying alone. She'll get a bit of independence without the stress of staying alone (think I must have been about that age when left home alone due to an unexpected emergency - I coped fine, cooked my tea, did my homework, but when it came time to go to bed it did feel very very strange and spooky, and I was very relieved when my parents finally returned)

@SchrodingersImmigrant

Really though, burglaries in residential are going down, chance of intruder on THAT particular 1 nigh in THAT partical house is VERY, very low even though that everyone is making it sound like every house gets burglared biweekly. "If anything happens call nan and/or 999".

In our village there's been one house burglary in almost 20 years. There has however been a spate of work vans being broken into in the whole county by a gang, some possible sheep rustling and a number of farm vehicle thefts (or attempted thefts).

Thankfully I neither own sheep, a work van nor any quad bikes or cattle trailers.

No sleeping in vans then. Or under sheepskins. 😁

If you are going to leave her over night, make sure she knows where stopcock is, emergency numbers and that she can leave all lights on all night if she feels she wants to.

I’d leave her in different circumstances but I wouldn’t want to be worried about her whilst at my dad’s funeral. Sorry to hear you’re having a difficult time OP

If you have to ask it's a no,
but really you have to ask?
For your child's sake teach them some independence and resilience they are 14 not 4

@guffaux

CATTESTREET

In my experience, any under 16yrs child being left home alone overnight ALWAYS results in safeguarding, regardless of the perceived competency of the child.

Under 16's left for a couple of hours (with safety plan and back up adult emergency contact) are usually ok- Police and Social Services will risk assess this and decide whether to act- this usually includes speaking to parent(s) emergency contact and child.

Does that not strike you as bizarre? Sixteen year old are legally adults in many ways, so the implication seems to be teens can't stay home alone until they are legally adults.