To consider letting DD stay alone overnight?

[DreadingSeason2020sFinale]

Sorry, may be long.

My dad is dying. He lives at the other end of the country so when the time comes, DH and I will need to go there for a couple of days for the funeral.
MIL lives two streets away in our small, quiet village.
DD who is 14 years old wants to sleep in the house at night on her own with the cat, and her sister (11) and brother (8) can go stay at gran's. She doesn't want to sleep in gran's double bed with her siblings and says she can look after our cat this way too but accepts that cooking while at home alone would be off the table so could eat a hot dinner at her gran's house then leave.

Now, with anyone else's kid it would be an immediate and obvious hell no, too young, however, DD has consistently proven herself to be mature, sensible and very independent so I'm actually considering saying okay! I just don't know. Am I crazy?

She gets herself up in a morning. Refuses (politely) all offers of a lift to school and has never been late, sorts her own breakfast and lunch, organises her own uniform and PE kit, (DH and I still do the laundry but once washed and dried the kids deal with their own), she never stays up too late and goes to be without any prompting, I haven't needed to wake her up for school in a good 6 years now, she happily 'babysits' (it's not really required as the younger kids don't need watched) her siblings and even cooks them a lunch if we're out a while, and is generally just a really good and mature young lady. Far more so than I ever was or am now

If anything, I often feel a bit sorry for her because she's that "grown up" I wonder what she's missing out on. I'm as daft as a brush and quite frankly, never half as serious as my girl is.

I appreciate there's people from all different places on MN but for us so will have a completely different perspective of dangers, but for us, we are in a quiet village where people don't lock doors when home during the day so physical safety from others isn't a huge concern. I know she would be more than fine (especially considering our neighbours/friends) are right here 24/7) but it's just not sitting right with me. I cannot think of any reason at all to say no except for the fact she's 14.

What would you do?

I wouldn;t - I was left alone a lot as a child from aged 12 and over night from about 14 - I was fine but I didn;t like it - I've not left any of mine overnight until they where 16

as for the comment that 16 year olds can 'get their own house' I'd love to know how !

She is absolutely not too young to cope on her own. She is mature and sensible enough to want to stay in the house and has offered to look after the cat while you are away. It's a small village. There are relatives, neighbours and friends all within a few minutes' walk.

We molly-coddle young people far too much these days. Give her the responsibility (and a list of instructions and emergency numbers) and let her do it.

I feel like this is a weird one, in a year or two (depending how close she is to 15) she could legally get pregnant so I don't know the right answer to whether it's okay to leave her alone for two nights - I guess it's up to you at the end of the day.

I wouldn't leave a child home alone for two nights when you are that far away, no. Her objective maturity and academic achievements etc etc don't preclude the fact there is a great deal that can go wrong or have much to do with it in many ways. It also has nothing to do with the intentions of others in a nefarious sense. I'm sure most people who are victims of crime didn't see it coming and most people who burned the house down didn't think that would happen when they tried to cook etc. Extreme examples of course but why take a risk. Seems very odd you say you are so overconfident in her (untested alone) abilities that you wouldn't even be worried.

Sorry for your loss though OP, I hope you find an agreeable solution to attend.

I would leave her. I can't remember when my parents started leaving me home alone, but my older brother moved to uni when I was 14 and I didn't go with them and it was an overnight stay to help get him settled so I would have been home alone then I expect 🤷 if she's sensible she'll be fine

I’m so sorry about your dad.

Your daughter sounds brilliant and very sensible. I think she would be fine, and it sounds like this would also really build her confidence and be something that would mean a lot to her.

When you describe the situation you sound confident that she would be fine. Are you looking for opinions or just validation? I wouldn’t trust every 14 year old (there are some 30 year olds I think are a liability) but it sounds like you’ve got a good one here.

I was left alone overnight aaalllll the time at 14 - even for two or three nights in a row. Sometimes I’d have three or four friends over for a sleepover, and sometimes I’d be alone. I absolutely loved it!

@SpaceOP I had same in central Europe and freaked some people out with it here when I talked about it.😂 Going to school without adults from age 6, kids from surrounding villages taking a bus and train in. It was bit of a schock to see parents walking older children to school in here. I, neither does my mum, don't remember any missing child or some horrible things happening. We even checked the news.

Let's face it, the worst things are happening to children behind closed doors rather than on a street by randoms...

Children fall into very deep sleeps - they are not aware or conscious of danger in the same way as adults are. So sorry no - I would ask someone to stay.

In situations like these I tend to consider what would happen if something went wrong-
What if you were burgled and she was in the house alone?
What if there was a fire?
If one of those things happened and an adult was home alone that’s one thing, if a child aged 14 was left alone that may be considered neglect.

At 17 I would fully expect the near to adult to be able to figure out to call any adult and ask for help... I would expect that from a 12 year old tbh

Of course you would, this is MN after all. Perfect parents with perfect children/young adults.

Meanwhile, in the real world, adults deal with this sort of thing, and kids/teens don't. I wouldn't have had a "little black book" of tradespeople to call in the case of emergency when I was 17, never mind 14, and I wonder how many teens would, unless their parents thought to write a long list before they went. I didn't think to leave my son with a list when we went to the wedding. Next time I would! But as I said, I bet the one thing I don't think of would happen.

Firstly do you rent her out by the hour?! She sounds wonderful to me! A lovely girl to be proud of for sure . I think as she sounds so mature and keen to stay on her own it is tempting to say yes .However she may be keen and then get spooked in the night ,or what if she fell over and hurt herself? Could she stay with a Schoolfriend say ? 14 is very young really. and its Sods law ,that the heating may break down or there be an emergency while you are not there .Also at an already worrying time you would have the added stress of worrying about her as well!

I have a 14 year I would leave in those circumstances. He is very sensible.

Some 14 years olds are not too young.

At 14 in our family you'd have been looking after the 2 younger ones

With a family member so close at hand i wouldn't give it a second thought

No I wouldn't. My worry is that she maybe mature but once it's dark and late at night, she could freak out if she hears a weird noise as you do occasionally in houses.

@cologne4711

At 17 I would fully expect the near to adult to be able to figure out to call any adult and ask for help... I would expect that from a 12 year old tbh

Of course you would, this is MN after all. Perfect parents with perfect children/young adults.

Meanwhile, in the real world, adults deal with this sort of thing, and kids/teens don't. I wouldn't have had a "little black book" of tradespeople to call in the case of emergency when I was 17, never mind 14, and I wonder how many teens would, unless their parents thought to write a long list before they went. I didn't think to leave my son with a list when we went to the wedding. Next time I would! But as I said, I bet the one thing I don't think of would happen.

You don't need a little book of tradespeople. I said "call an adult". Only thing you need to do is to call an adult. Parents, grandparents, five times removed cousin. They will tell you what to do. And may call tradesmen on your behalf or someone they know.

No way. If it's a small village the news that you will be away and she will be alone will be common knowledge. It only needs one person to decide to try their luck - bringing friends to keep her company, a burglary or much, much worse. Anyone with criminal intent will be listening out for just such an opportunity.

People saying it's fine have been very lucky. I have a list of friends and relations who haven't been lucky. Bad things can/do happen to anyone without you making it easier.

This is one of the things that no-one else can accurately advise on really because they don't know your DD.

My elder girls are 18 and at uni now, but at 14 DD1 was regularly babysitting other children. Sometimes overnight. At 13 she was the first to react when a child was knocked down outside church and was the calmest and took control of the situation.

DD2 was so scatterbrained and disorganised I used to feel queasy if she was more than 20 minutes late home from school.

So a blanket "14 is fine" or "14 is too young to cope with an unexpected" is impossible to say. It totally depends on your child.

Hm. I have two capable, cooking (and I would let them cook when I'm not home), younger-sibling-babysitting teens of 15 and 13, and I think I feel even the older one is just a touch too young to be home alone overnight. 16 - perhaps even the upper end of 15 - feels about right to me. That's not under consideration of any of the scenarios (some of them rather far-fetched) people are citing on here - so it's not specifically a 'what if you're burgled/the entirety of the local high school comes round for a party/the cat spontaneously combusts'. It's a general sense of 'no, a bit too young'. And I agree that it's another thing you don't want to have on your mind a a time like that. I'd tell her no this time, but you can revisit in a year or so.

I was left home alone for weekends from the age of 15. (mid 2000s, so not decades ago!). I had horses and wanted to spend all my time at the stables down the road. The next door neighbours were my "emergency contacts" though and had keys to the house. My aunt also used to regularly check up on me and I'd often go to hers for dinner.
There were never any problems and I don't remember being scared at any point!
I think kids are too sheltered these days, they're never given enough freedom and as a result seem to struggle when they reach adulthood. As long as your MIL is reliable in an emergency and you can trust her to check up on your daughter and not just forget about her, then I can't see any problem? Can a neighbour also be an added safety net?

I'd work on cooking skills / confidence, so she knows how to safely make herself something warm to eat as an alternative to cereal / sandwiches, even if the plan is for to have dinner elsewhere.

Other than that, her plan to stay at home and cat sit sounds sensible, but if she's not used to being at home alone, she may find it strange being in an empty house and noticing the noises the house makes, so I'd let her, but giving her room to change her mind without looking silly if in practice she doesn't like being alone.

Three people to one double bed (if I'm reading your post correctly) doesn't sound like a comfortable sleeping arrangement for children of those ages. An airbed / self inflating mattress etc would make things more comfortable for all of them.

Would be less disruptive for the children to have their grandmother go and stay with them.

You know her and her character best.

I would agree. I was also a very mature and sensible teen and my parents would have done this for one night. But I would get your MIL to ring or text very regularly to check on her. Remind her several times about lights and locks. Tell her not to tell friends at school (safety perspective but also so teachers don't get wrong idea!)

Too young. Take her with you

Can a neighbour also be an added safety net?

Couldn’t she just stay with a neighbour the OP trusted to be a ‘safety net’ in this way? If my neighbour came and asked me to be (basically) on call for their 14 year old who had been left alone, I wouldn’t feel even slightly comfortable with that. I would say, “Tell you what, she can stay in our spare room/sofa”. I wouldn’t be responsible for her without her being in my house, though.

If MIL is near by and dd can contact her in an emergency then I don’t see the issue. She could still have dinner at MIL’s?

My parents left me when I was 15 and went to France for 10 days.