To not tell dh about my support bubble?

[Maisiemiddleton86]

Dh says no and that I can’t have one with my single parent best friend. We aren’t bubbling as a household with anyone else and nor is she so it’s ok as per the rules but he says no.
I am not happy in my marriage and want to leave but the pandemic is making everything more difficult. Mainly I’m planning to meet my friend outside anyway for walks but if it’s freezing or I need the loo or something to eat I may go into her house.
Aibu to just not tell him? I’m feeling really alone right now, last time was absolutely dreadful.

Bubbling aside, what happens if you tell him- ‘I’ll be back at x time’ or ‘I’m signing up for evening classes in y’, he can’t say ‘no’ if you’ve not asked...

Seems to me rather too many posters are keener on interpreting the rules than supporting the OP.

Well Covid is king isnt it. Fuck all else matters, even for those in abusive relationships.

I could cry at what people have turned into.

Keep seeing your friend, an escape isn’t a one off event. I escaped for the day every time EX-h used to work from home (pre-covid). Eventually keeping a foot in the real world proved invaluable and I had the courage to separate for good.

Safety and common sense first, and the police would see it that way too.

Staying indoors with some who is using cohesive control is a sure way to become isolated and start believing that this dynamic is normal, when it’s not. Don’t over share with your DH OP, keep things to yourself (just as you would do a bank account) so you have some resources that would be useful if you needed to leave.

@Maisiemiddleton86

I don’t think he’s added to the bubble.

He does unfortunately feel he has the final say around some aspects of my life. Not all - but some.
He has flat out said no several times to what I consider to he fairly reasonable requests (going to an evening class for example).

Then this situation with your friend is only a tiny part of a much bigger issue. That's not a partnership you're in and that's what a marriage should be

Yes, it's appalling how this has turned into a nit-picking dissection of the bloody rules. Sod the bloody rules - this is a woman whose husband won't 'allow' her to travel into their city centre unaccompanied. He's acting like an overbearing Victorian father - and all she's getting here is how many angels can dance on the bloody pin of a support bubble!

You have a bigger problem than deciding on a support bubble. I hope you can access some support to be able to remove yourself from this abusive relationship.

Urgh sounds creepy to me 😣 are you ok? X

I have to say I'm committed to complying with all aspects of the lockdown, but I am a bit horrified about the things your husband says no to. The 'no bubble' thing is not unreasonable on its own but as a pattern of control, it seems to me disturbing.

Having had a family member who was deliberately isolated from their support networks by a bad partner for several years, and who was incredibly relieved to reconnect with friends after they split, I'd definitely keep meeting your friend outside. If being in your friend's house is the only way for you to access therapy safely, I'd seriously consider stretching the point and forming a bubble with her without telling your husband.

To sirfred and other posters: I'm aware this is breaking the law, but if I had to choose between enduring a controlling relationship and breaking the covid regulations, I hope I would have the courage to do the second, and if it was a friend of mine I would advise the same thing.

@Wherehavetheteletubbiesgone - the OP is proposing to create a (permitted) support and she’s suffering domestic abuse in her own home! The only rule she’s -possibly - transgressing is the one that’s been proposed by her abusive husband which I anyone in actual authority would give short shrift to in the circumstances.

If dh had said he wanted to make a bubble with someone I wouldn’t have said ‘no, not happening, not discussing it.’ If he wanted to bubble with someone we’d be doing it, basically.

I work part time in school. My children are in school. I don’t believe he is worried about adding one additional person into all that really.

I think it would still only be me that needed to isolate in the event of my friend being positive. Not dh. Because he won’t have had contact with her. She doesn’t like him.

OP I'm not one to call abusive often, but you do understand that you are in an abusive relationship? This is not normal and it is impacting your mental health. Nothing you have said here is in any way reasonable behaviour from him. I hope you are discussing this with your therapist and thinking about what you need to do to leave him.

Could you pack your bags and go and stay with her?

think it would still only be me that needed to isolate in the event of my friend being positive. Not dh. Because he won’t have had contact with her. She doesn’t like him.

If she's in the support bubble then everyone in the household is asked to isolate.

That is of course if you adhere to the rules. I doubt anyone's going to worry about you seeing a friend.

And I can’t believe anyone is reading these posts by the OP and thinking about COVID rules. Jesus fucking Christ.

Not comparing myself to your situation, but I wish I could form a support bubble with another family

God, do it anyway, MessAllOver. Your situation sounds lonely and you matter too. Do it safely, in the sense of choosing one other family to bubble with and don't go around licking them or sneezing in their food when you know you have symptoms but you deserve to be around other humans. It's extremely damaging to anyone's wellbeing to sit alone day after day with no company. Be nice to yourself.

And I can’t believe anyone is reading these posts by the OP and thinking about COVID rules. Jesus fucking Christ.

^this

People have gone bloody mad

she doesn't like him for a reason. you need to leave him. get your friend to help. he is using lockdown to isolate you further. get legal advice.

@TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair

And I can’t believe anyone is reading these posts by the OP and thinking about COVID rules. Jesus fucking Christ.

^this

People have gone bloody mad

Agree. And then you get wankers like the OP's husband taking advantage of the COVID situation to cut her off from her friend by refusing the support bubble.

@TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair

And I can’t believe anyone is reading these posts by the OP and thinking about COVID rules. Jesus fucking Christ.

^this

People have gone bloody mad

Exactly. WTF.

OP
You are in a hugely controlling, abusive relationship with a man who is breaking the law.

He cannot tell you what you can and can't do.

It is coercive.

You need to contact Women's Aid.
The police are also especially supportive at this time.

See your friend at all costs.
Don't speak to him again.

If you need further clarification, call into your local police station for advice.

Your friend doesn't like your horrible controlling husband because of how he treats you.

You need to get out of this relationship.

Protect yourself.

every time you meet your friend, do a little bit more on your escape plan. ring womens aid from her phone, seek legal advice. use her devices to look things up. good luck, keep safe. remember abusive men are most dangerous when they think you are going to leave.

@sirfredfredgeorge

Please think very carefully before telling someone in a clearly controlling relationship and struggling with their mental health that it's illegal for them to access the support they need

I quoted the law, it's very clear, there also only exceptions for emergency assistance to another, and there are certainly exceptions for meeting more regular support groups, so absolutely anyone can get support - just not informal support from a friend.

Then please provide a link to the law as several of us have asked @sirfredfredgeorge

I cannot find the legislation you describe anywhere

@sirfredfredgeorge
Here's a link to the coronavirus act 2020.
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/2020/7/contents

Can you please reference the sections you're referring too?

Just dont tell him. And continue to meet your friend. He is just trying to keep you isolated from others and to keep an eye on you. You need this for your own MH support and ongoing support for you to leave your H.
Have you started to look into options for seperating?

I would bubble with your friend. It sounds like you need that as much as she does.

I'm more concerned about how controlling your husband seems. Sets off red flags in my eyes.

Have you read this? www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/ does it ring any bells?

I have started to make provisional plans - it’s such a big scary step and covid has made it harder. I feel a lot of guilt around it which is what I’m working through with a therapist and I feel I really need that support right now.
I know I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things but I do think I will go under if I’m totally isolated again.