To not tell dh about my support bubble?

[Maisiemiddleton86]

Dh says no and that I can’t have one with my single parent best friend. We aren’t bubbling as a household with anyone else and nor is she so it’s ok as per the rules but he says no.
I am not happy in my marriage and want to leave but the pandemic is making everything more difficult. Mainly I’m planning to meet my friend outside anyway for walks but if it’s freezing or I need the loo or something to eat I may go into her house.
Aibu to just not tell him? I’m feeling really alone right now, last time was absolutely dreadful.

Make sure you've got some good warm, waterproof clothes then, OP

Sadly this is the law yes, it's perverse, a completely healthy 70 year old woman in the situation could be met under the regulations (under providing care to a vulnerable person). Yet a 69 year old seriously overweight woman in the middle of a mental health crisis could not unless you can get it all the way up to the bar of:

to provide emergency assistance to any person

Which is a particularly high bar, and almost certainly excludes regular checking in / support as the regularity denies emergency.

The law is very poorly drafted (it has cut and paste errors and all sorts) so maybe it wasn't even the intent of putting a deliberate ludicrously tight definition of what a vulnerable person is, but it does, and it completely ignores huge numbers of vulnerable people.

This is why lockdown is unreasonable - I don't oppose it because it I don't agree that people need protecting from coronavirus, I oppose it because the law makers have abjectedly failed to protect people vulnerable to other things.

I would ignore the law bit. It’s like In all the stay homes or lock downs it’s been you can’t leave your house ... except if you are a victim of dv then of course you can because anything else would be bloody ridiculous. This is coercive control, a very close relative to dv and also illegal. So do your therapy at friends house, tell partner you’re on long walks. If you get symptoms say the kids must have got it from school and been asymptomatic (& tell your friend of course)

Please think very carefully before telling someone in a clearly controlling relationship and struggling with their mental health that it's illegal for them to access the support they need

I quoted the law, it's very clear, there also only exceptions for emergency assistance to another, and there are certainly exceptions for meeting more regular support groups, so absolutely anyone can get support - just not informal support from a friend.

@sirfredfredgeorge

As long as he isn't vulnerable health-wise, you are doing nothing wrong

No, she's specifically breaking the law - that might be different to if she's doing anything wrong, or indeed if the law makes any sense at all, but a support bubble requires all adults in the household to agree to it, and if they don't then it isn't a support bubble and any meeting that is not otherwise allowed would be illegal.

The law is of course absolutely not fit for purpose in this respect (it prevents people vulnerable to things to other than covid from obtaining relief) but the law is what it says.

Then the law is an ass, which has completely failed to account for the many many women in coercive relationships across the country, whose husbands now apparently have the legal right to stop them seeing anybody else. There was a discussion on the other thread about Saudi Arabia where people were talking about the rights issues. I am tempted to make comparisons but, unlike KSA, here they can't stone you to death/imprison you for not doing what your husband says. So OP you are not being unreasonable. However don't do anything that could compromise your safety if you are in the middle of a divorce.

You can meet 1 person outside the home so its fine don't tell him however you can not go into her house that is breaking the law and you could both be hit with big fines and could you both really afford them

You have way bigger problems with this man than lockdown.

He is coercive and controlling

Please seek help

You don't need to form a bubble to meet one person outside for a walk!

Children under 5 are excluded from the count so if she has little ones you can meet her outside for "recreational purposes".

He's controlling you. I'd consider moving in with the friend if it was practical.

Those saying he would have to isolate etc if the friend tests positive are wrong. It would only be you/your children as you are actually a close contact. Assuming your husband doesn't actually spend time with your friend

Also, what if someones partner did "give them permission" (uurgh) to form a bubble with a friend, and lied to the police and said they hadn't given permission. How are the police meant to know whose telling the truth? And I dont think thats that unlikely, I can easily imagine a scenario where a woman calls the police on her husband for DV and he counter claims with that. In reality I dont think the police have the time to sort through that sort of nonsense. It certainly shouldnt be a priority (and I say that as someone who by and large approves of the lockdown),

YANBU.

Not comparing myself to your situation, but I wish I could form a support bubble with another family . My DH at the moment leaves at 7am in the morning for work and rarely back before 1/2am in the evening. I literally don't see him at all. He spends the weekends in bed until 3pm sleeping because he's so exhausted and then starts working from home again. There may as well not be another adult in the house...

I'm seriously considering asking him to move out for a few weeks and stay in an airbnb near work so I can be technically 'single' and actually be in a bubble with another adult who provides, you know, support...

Won't do it, of course. But it's tempting.

I'm not trying to make light of your situation, though. Your DH sounds awful...definitely some control issues going on there. Since he's no support to you whatsoever, I don't think it's wrong of you to form a support bubble with another single-parent family. Especially if actually in your mind, you're already essentially 'separated' from him and just stuck there due to the current situation.

@BubblyBarbara

So let's say your husband has a single friend who he wants to keep hanging out with during the lockdown and you felt uncomfortable and said no. Would you be happy with him just going ahead and doing whatever he liked as long as he hid it from you? If so, fill your boots.

Presumably you've not read the whole thread to come out with something so twattish.

@Maisiemiddleton86

I don’t feel comfortable to say that to him derelictwreck. He has the final say. It’s not up for discussion. I feel anxious to raise it with him again.

Despite lockdown I feel you need to leave sooner rather than later. He does not have the final say on what you can and can't do. If you're frightened of him you need to leave. I understand it's easier said than done. Would he physically stop you leaving to go out for a walk ?

Hi. If he is using lockdown to keep you to himself, and you say you are unhappy in the marriage and planning to leave I think you ABSOLUTELY need this friend and you ABSOLUTELY do not tell him either.
Forbidding you to go to an evening class before is grim.
You have my utter sympathy - been there and would not wish lockdown with a difficult partner on my worst enemy.

If telling him would cause problems then I would do it and not say anything. YANBU

He does unfortunately feel he has the final say around some aspects of my life. but regardless of how he FEELS he doesn’t have the final say. Tell him what you are doing. Refuse to give him the final say.

@sirfredfredgeorge is wrong.

The government's own wording states that: "Household isolation instructions as a result of coronavirus do not apply if you need to leave your home to escape domestic abuse."

This cannot mean only a one-off incident of leaving - it must mean leaving the home during lockdown in order to, essentially, prepare for leaving, which is what the OP is doing. Through having therapy which cannot be done from the home. Through getting support from her friend during the winter months.

Carry on OP and ignore those who are telling you it's against the rules. It is not.

@yetanothernamitynamechange

Also, what if someones partner did "give them permission" (uurgh) to form a bubble with a friend, and lied to the police and said they hadn't given permission. How are the police meant to know whose telling the truth? And I dont think thats that unlikely, I can easily imagine a scenario where a woman calls the police on her husband for DV and he counter claims with that. In reality I dont think the police have the time to sort through that sort of nonsense. It certainly shouldnt be a priority (and I say that as someone who by and large approves of the lockdown),

Why should the Husband be forced to self isolate because the household bubble he is part of is added to without his consent. Bigger bubbles are bigger risk of being told to self isolate. Of course everyone in the bubble has a veto including the OP who can stop the partner from bubbling with anyone.

The husband is attempting to USE lockdown isolation as a tool of coercive control.

This was one of those OPs where I read it and think "What else is going on?" "What's the backstory?"
Then you posted some more information. He is very controlling.
You need to leave him so perhaps use this time to make plans.

Go out and see your friend. Fuck him and his consent to the bubble. There are exceptions made for issues involving domestic abuse and it sounds like an abusive relationship.

I do not like the way some people are using Corona rules and regulations to keep others in their place - whether that is people spying on and reporting their neighbours or people in relationships using this as yet another way to keep someone in the place.

This cannot mean only a one-off incident of leaving - it must mean leaving the home during lockdown in order to, essentially, prepare for leaving, which is what the OP is doing. Through having therapy which cannot be done from the home. Through getting support from her friend during the winter months.

Surely it cant escaping domestic abuse means leaving the house permanently without coming back otherwise it isn't really escaping. That interpretation is your interpretation of the law and certainly not mine or i would guess a judge.

Seems to me rather too many posters are keener on interpreting the rules than supporting the OP.
Read all the OP's posts before you have your fivepenny worth, please folks!!

Ignore him - you need support from a friend. But get out of this marriage as soon as you can. How dare he stop you from taking evening classes! Wouldn't have been a class that would have increased your qualifications and independence, would it?

You shouldn’t force your husband into a bubble with someone which is basically what you are doing. I’d you want to socialize with your friend I would be honest about that and give him the option to choose to isolate from you if he feels that is necessary.

You'll have to tell him. If you form a bubble and your friend tests positive then that means everyone in your household (which includes DH) will have to self-isolate

Who fucking cares about the husband, he sounds like a bullying twat. OP, go and see your friend.