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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell dh about my support bubble?

181 replies

Maisiemiddleton86 · 05/11/2020 10:50

Dh says no and that I can’t have one with my single parent best friend. We aren’t bubbling as a household with anyone else and nor is she so it’s ok as per the rules but he says no.
I am not happy in my marriage and want to leave but the pandemic is making everything more difficult. Mainly I’m planning to meet my friend outside anyway for walks but if it’s freezing or I need the loo or something to eat I may go into her house.
Aibu to just not tell him? I’m feeling really alone right now, last time was absolutely dreadful.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 05/11/2020 11:25

@Maisiemiddleton86

I don’t feel comfortable to say that to him derelictwreck. He has the final say. It’s not up for discussion. I feel anxious to raise it with him again.
Seriously ... read up on coercive control. It doesn't have to be accompanied by physical force. It's illegal.

At some point you may want to consider posting a thread on the Relationships board, there are women there who can give you good advice.

YoniAndGuy · 05/11/2020 11:25

Just do it. Nothing to do with him, as he's clearly not in any way your actual partner (supportive, a team etc.)

If he's unilaterally decided that he's the Tiny Penis Boss Man, simply ignore until you can get rid. You owe him literally jack shit.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2020 11:26

It sounds as though you may be under coercive control, which is a type of domestic abuse. Under that basis, I cannot imagine you would get fined so to speak. I would do it.

Carlislemumof4 · 05/11/2020 11:26

I think YANBU for seeking mutual support with your best friend but YABU to bubble with her and meet up without Informing your DH first. Because every risk you take is a contact risk for your DH and DCs as well. Your DC are in school, are hers as well? Same school or different? All increases your chain of contacts. I do think a support bubble should be agreed as a household and it wouldn't be fair to call him controlling on this alone.

If however you have other reasons to leave, and it sounds like you are preparing to, you can still move house under the lockdown rules. Although I appreciate you'll have the children to consider, finances and other practicalities. I hope you can find the support you need, it sounds like you have a good friend who is really there for you whether in person or phone, online etc. Flowers

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2020 11:26

Cross post with Errol.

minipie · 05/11/2020 11:28

He sounds very controlling OP

No way would DH feel he could control my life to this extent, nor would I feel nervous about doing something anyway if he didn’t like the idea.

This dynamic is not normal in healthy relationships. Please keep your friendships going, sounds like he wants to separate you from anyone who’s not him.

SpaceOP · 05/11/2020 11:29

@Maisiemiddleton86

I don’t think he’s added to the bubble.

He does unfortunately feel he has the final say around some aspects of my life. Not all - but some.
He has flat out said no several times to what I consider to he fairly reasonable requests (going to an evening class for example).

Your husband is saying no to you bubbling with your friend because he wants to isolate you and control you. This pandemic, and the lockdown, are a gift to him (and others like him) as they can justify their control and isolationist tendencies on the basis of the pandemic. I think the fact that he just says NO is a real problem and scares me. what if you ignored him and went to the class anyway? What would have happened?

As you want to leave him anyway, I'd be tempted to ask your friend if you and your DC can move in with her. But appreciate that might not be practical.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/11/2020 11:31

No, she's specifically breaking the law - that might be different to if she's doing anything wrong, or indeed if the law makes any sense at all, but a support bubble requires all adults in the household to agree to it, and if they don't then it isn't a support bubble and any meeting that is not otherwise allowed would be illegal.

I didn't realise that. Can you link to the specific section of the legislation/guidelines which say that, please? I couldn't find it, it's useful to know exactly what the law says.

corythatwas · 05/11/2020 11:33

What Carlislemum said.

My ds' best mate has just fallen ill with Covid. If ds had been meeting up with him, I wouldn't be able to go to work for 14days, dh wouldn't be able to go out on site in an emergency which might lead to his firm losing contracts and would certainly involve huge losses of money: of course we'd need to know. I don't think any of us are coercive but we need to know what we're dealing with.

It is perfectly possible to plan meeting with your friend so you don't need to go into her house to use the loo or something to eat. You can bring a sandwich.

The questions as to whether your dh is controlling and you need to leave him is a totally different one: that can also be true at the same time. If you do need to leave, then my understanding is the same as what Carlislemum said: this is something that can still happen during lockdown- it's rather more serious than whether to remember to bring a sandwich to eat on the hoof.

Felifox · 05/11/2020 11:33

I think in your circumstances your MH is at risk and I doubt you'd be fined for this. It's difficult for us all at this time anyway especially if you live alone

Original poster
Maisiemiddleton86 · 05/11/2020 11:34

If he says no I usually just accept it.
Usually I don’t ask if I know he will say no because there’s no point.
He sometimes says ‘I’d never stop you doing anything’ but he’s equally capable of saying ‘no. That’s not happening. I’m not even discussing it’ to something like me going on the train after dark or going into the city centre on my own or stopping the night at a friend’s house or having a night away anywhere at all actually (for example seeing a show in London and then stopping over).

OP posts:
Shellingbynight · 05/11/2020 11:35

I can't see it mentioned in the guidance that it requires all adults to agree, have I missed it or is there info elsewhere which specifies that?

www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household

OP in your situation I'd go ahead, although there is the risk he'll find out, or if your friend tests positive you have to tell him.

AcornAutumn · 05/11/2020 11:37

@Maisiemiddleton86

Nope he’s not vulnerable. Both the dc are in school anyway - which if we are going to catch it this seems the most likely route of transmission. He just says no. Like he sometimes does for other things. He likes lockdown. He likes it being ‘just us.’ Me - not so much.

Exactly, it is also for my friend as she has no family on the doorstep and neither of her parents are alive anymore unfortunately.

He likes having extra control over you. Sorry.
Derelictwreck · 05/11/2020 11:37

@Maisiemiddleton86

I don’t feel comfortable to say that to him derelictwreck. He has the final say. It’s not up for discussion. I feel anxious to raise it with him again.
OP do you recognise this as a form of control and abuse?
SpaceOP · 05/11/2020 11:38

@Maisiemiddleton86

If he says no I usually just accept it. Usually I don’t ask if I know he will say no because there’s no point. He sometimes says ‘I’d never stop you doing anything’ but he’s equally capable of saying ‘no. That’s not happening. I’m not even discussing it’ to something like me going on the train after dark or going into the city centre on my own or stopping the night at a friend’s house or having a night away anywhere at all actually (for example seeing a show in London and then stopping over).
OP, you know this is terrible right? I take it his reasons are supposedly your safety? Does he insist on picking you up if you do see a friend? Are you allowed friends to yours (outside of lockdown). I'm actually finding this all very very worrying and it's clearly just so normal to you now.
Original poster
Maisiemiddleton86 · 05/11/2020 11:38

If my friend tested positive I’d have to tell him. But he wouldn’t have had any contact with her. So my understanding is actually only I would need to isolate - I get that support bubbles are one household allegedly but if he hasn’t seen her then he’s had no contact? I think that’s how it works because if my ds had contact at school he’d have to isolate but not me. It wouldn’t make sense for my dh and dc to have to isolate if it’s only me who has had contact with the positive case. I think. I’d have to take advice if and when it happens I suppose as to who needed to isolate. I think dh would only isolate if I developed symptoms. I think.

OP posts:
LabradorGalore · 05/11/2020 11:38

OP, he sounds very controlling. Any chance you could split asap? It doesn't matter if its during a pandemic, you are allowed to move.

Sirfred is wrong by the way, you can form a support bubble or a childcare bubble. Technically you are her support bubble. But it still counts.

Hoppinggreen · 05/11/2020 11:39

So what if you tell rather than ask? What do you think he will do?

Mrsjayy · 05/11/2020 11:40

See her as long as she won't mention it to him. You are in a dreadful marriage and you need supporting feck him and his "no".

Original poster
Maisiemiddleton86 · 05/11/2020 11:41

Yes space. It’s not safe.
Normally it’s that. Sometimes it’s about where I will be sleeping - when I wanted to stop at my friend’s he said I couldn’t possibly be staying there because she only had three bedrooms and she has two children. Her children actually choose to share a room so she has a spare room but even if she hadn’t I’d have been ok on the sofa for a night. It was just to save me driving an hour back in the middle of the night after going out for her 30th.

OP posts:
ErrolTheDragon · 05/11/2020 11:41

He sometimes says ‘I’d never stop you doing anything’ but he’s equally capable of saying ‘no. That’s not happening. I’m not even discussing it’

So he's a liar too.

RedCup1 · 05/11/2020 11:47

Can you just meet her outside where the transmission risk is a lot lower? I'm so sorry he's controlling and I hope you are able to leave and start a new life without him Flowers.

Original poster
Maisiemiddleton86 · 05/11/2020 11:49

Yes we will mainly meet outside.
It was just if it was throwing it down. And also for my zoom calls. I can speak on the phone outside or in my car but I’d rather it be video link. It’s not the end of the world though.

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 05/11/2020 11:49

You are in an abusive relationship.
Can you make plans to leave?

Ernieshere · 05/11/2020 11:50

I think I would be asking her if we can stay there until we find alternative accomodation.