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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell dh about my support bubble?

181 replies

Maisiemiddleton86 · 05/11/2020 10:50

Dh says no and that I can’t have one with my single parent best friend. We aren’t bubbling as a household with anyone else and nor is she so it’s ok as per the rules but he says no.
I am not happy in my marriage and want to leave but the pandemic is making everything more difficult. Mainly I’m planning to meet my friend outside anyway for walks but if it’s freezing or I need the loo or something to eat I may go into her house.
Aibu to just not tell him? I’m feeling really alone right now, last time was absolutely dreadful.

OP posts:
cologne4711 · 05/11/2020 11:53

Just ignore him, and the people saying everyone in the household has to agree to a support bubble, you don't need to draw up a contract, that is nonsense.

If you want to go to your friend's house, go.

Annasgirl · 05/11/2020 11:54

Dear OP, I think you need to call women's aid and get help.

Would it be possible to move in with your friend? What has changed your plans about leaving him?

I think you need to be away from him for this lockdown but I don't know the rules in the UK so cannot advise you how. I think you should keep posting here and people with concrete advice will come along to help.

I will keep popping on to support you mentally and advise you to meet in the park for a walk with your friend, weather permitting. I would not break the rules though to go in to her house.

Pogmella · 05/11/2020 11:54

Do you ever ask him not to go anywhere or do anything for his safety? How do you think he would react to that?

SpaceOP · 05/11/2020 11:54

@Maisiemiddleton86

Yes space. It’s not safe. Normally it’s that. Sometimes it’s about where I will be sleeping - when I wanted to stop at my friend’s he said I couldn’t possibly be staying there because she only had three bedrooms and she has two children. Her children actually choose to share a room so she has a spare room but even if she hadn’t I’d have been ok on the sofa for a night. It was just to save me driving an hour back in the middle of the night after going out for her 30th.
I think this is familiar? Did you post about this at the time?

OP - it's completely ridiculous. You know that, which is why you're considering leaving. Good on you.

If you want to do your calls by video, consider getting a data top up and just do the calls as video calls from your phone. If he monitors your phone and phone bills, you could just get a sim-only data deal and plug that sim into your phone or other device while somewhere else. In isolation, you'd have to do this online but you could get the SIM delivered to your friend's house. Data only plans are surprisingly inexpensive and if you get PAYG you can stop it whenever you are done with your video calls.

nosswith · 05/11/2020 11:55

Just saying no is not good enough. Wanting to form a different support bubble, say with a relative, would be a point for discussion, were that the case.

Eckhart · 05/11/2020 11:55

He just says no

Why does he think he's the boss?

Why do you think he's the boss?

Is he the boss?

Sooverthemill · 05/11/2020 11:56

@Maisiemiddleton86

I don’t think he’s added to the bubble.

He does unfortunately feel he has the final say around some aspects of my life. Not all - but some.
He has flat out said no several times to what I consider to he fairly reasonable requests (going to an evening class for example).

That sounds worrying. You need support and I wonder if you need legal advice. Take care
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 05/11/2020 11:56

@Maisiemiddleton86

YANBU. He sounds like a nasty controlling, bullying, twat. I'm not surprised you're planning to leave him. Covid has made it harder, but it's still possible. You need to get planning.

It's a concern he's got you so brow beaten that you're asking if not telling him is unreasonable, rather than asking how you get the hell out if this.

See your friend, support each other through this 🌷

sirfredfredgeorge · 05/11/2020 12:02

This is the law: www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/1200/made#regulation-12
The important part:
(a)all adult members of the second household agree

Dashel · 05/11/2020 12:05

Marriage is a partnership and you not being allowed to do certain things reminds me of a parent not allowing their child to do things, be home by 11, don’t be on the phone for too long....

A unilateral final say is not something that is healthy between two grown ups. My DH might have final say on a car as he was a mechanic and I like unpractical vintage cars and I show no interest in picking one, but if it was for me staying out or taking phone calls then he wouldn’t try telling me what to do, he might be thoughtful and maybe suggest me staying over and making a weekend of it with my friend.

ErrolTheDragon · 05/11/2020 12:06

@sirfredfredgeorge

This is the law: www.legislation.gov.uk/uksi/2020/1200/made#regulation-12 The important part: (a)all adult members of the second household agree
Thanks.

Bugger. It looks like he does have the right of veto then.Sad

Make sure you've got some good warm, waterproof clothes then, OP.

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 05/11/2020 12:07

Do it. He's using lockdown to isolate you further.

Bagadverts · 05/11/2020 12:10

I think there are two issues here. Your relationship is abusive and you need to make plans (easier to say than do). Maybe you could move in with your friend and previous posters have listed support organisations.

Separately I don’t think you should just bubble as it introduces extra risk to everyone in the house. Also a previous poster has noted that it is against the law. Definitely spend time with her alone though.

One worry with that is if there is a court case regarding your children. If your husband knows you bubbled then he may use this as part of any case about access. I’m not saying the case would be successful, particularly given his abuse, just another thing you would have to answer.

Cattenberg · 05/11/2020 12:15

I’m having some online therapy sessions too and I’d ideally like to do it from my friend’s because I can’t do it in my own house.

Why can’t you do this in your own house? Is it because you can’t speak freely?

butterpuffed · 05/11/2020 12:16

You can meet up with one other person as long as it's in a public place. The only reason it would have to be a bubble is if you plan to go inside their house .

BubblyBarbara · 05/11/2020 12:25

So let's say your husband has a single friend who he wants to keep hanging out with during the lockdown and you felt uncomfortable and said no. Would you be happy with him just going ahead and doing whatever he liked as long as he hid it from you? If so, fill your boots.

waterproofed · 05/11/2020 12:38

Oh @Maisiemiddleton86 you don’t need his permission to do anything. He doesn’t own you. Please LTB. Sending you love and strength

boredboredboredboredbored · 05/11/2020 12:46

Alcohol can end up costing more than the food. I don’t drink alcohol and I would make damned sure I didn’t pay for the privilege of not drinking!

Veterinari · 05/11/2020 12:52

@sirfredfredgeorge

As long as he isn't vulnerable health-wise, you are doing nothing wrong

No, she's specifically breaking the law - that might be different to if she's doing anything wrong, or indeed if the law makes any sense at all, but a support bubble requires all adults in the household to agree to it, and if they don't then it isn't a support bubble and any meeting that is not otherwise allowed would be illegal.

The law is of course absolutely not fit for purpose in this respect (it prevents people vulnerable to things to other than covid from obtaining relief) but the law is what it says.

Please point out the law she's specifically breaking @sirfredfredgeorge ?

The government guidance doesn't support your interpretation
www.gov.uk/guidance/making-a-support-bubble-with-another-household

Please think very carefully before telling someone in a clearly controlling relationship and struggling with their mental health that it's illegal for them to access the support they need. It isn't and your 'advice' is both unkind and potentially dangerous

GabsAlot · 05/11/2020 12:54

i thinik in the case of abuse you could do it and declare he was controlling you

hope you manage to leave one day

TheAdventuresoftheWishingChair · 05/11/2020 12:56

Please do keep meeting your friend, OP. You are in an abusive relationship and you need and deserve that support. Don't tell him you're doing this though, you could be putting yourself at risk. You lie about where you are, if needs be, and you get things moving with regards leaving him as soon as you can.

You aren't doing anything wrong - there are all sorts of circumstances where the virus is really not the most important thing. Just keep as safe as you can and get through the next 4 weeks.

GabsAlot · 05/11/2020 12:58

go away barbara

Chrystal1982 · 05/11/2020 13:01

@Maisiemiddleton86 I think it would be a good idea for you to read the new sticky post on the relationship board about domestic abuse and lockdown

ErrolTheDragon · 05/11/2020 13:02

Please think very carefully before telling someone in a clearly controlling relationship and struggling with their mental health that it's illegal for them to access the support they need. It isn't and your 'advice' is both unkind and potentially dangerous

Leaving your house because of being subject to domestic abuse is explicitly allowed, completely separate issue to support bubbles.

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