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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so mad at MIL over this

164 replies

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 12:21

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:
Izniz · 04/11/2020 12:25

That sounds super annoying. I would be fuming.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 04/11/2020 12:26

Tell DH, that no she's not.

Ask DH why he thought it was ok to agree to you being treat like you have no independent thought and ask why he thinks his mother visiting would improve your MH, even if you did need help?

I'd be FUMING & he'd hear about it.

Justnormajean · 04/11/2020 12:27

Are you feeling low in mood?

BluebellsGreenbells · 04/11/2020 12:27

I’d tell DH to tell his mother that it’s none of her business and you don’t want her there at weekends

Nottherealslimshady · 04/11/2020 12:27

It sounds like shes trying to be nice and caring but in a demeaning way. It's not really her place to talk to your husband about it or arrange to check up on you without talking to you.
It would have been much better asking you how you are and asking if you need any company while DH is out or if you need anything at all.

I have a good relationship with my MIL, her dropping in every weekend to check up on me would not be good for my mental health.

He needs to tell her to back off and offer support to you if you need it but to not force herself on you.

Sunnydaysstillhere · 04/11/2020 12:28

Door locked.
Blinds shut.
Dh wants to see her? Fine. Def no law says you have to.

Nymeriastark1 · 04/11/2020 12:28

You're 5 months pregnant and have a 9 month old. You're exhausted. So your husband TOLD you your mil was going to do this? Not asked, told? No. Explain to your husband this isn't happening, and IF you were depressed you would seek help from someone you actually like or a professional. Did your husband defend you? I would be concerned that he's had this conversation with his mother and agreed to it, without even speaking to you to ask if you actually are ok.

ApolloandDaphne · 04/11/2020 12:29

I think it is fair enough that she raised her concerns about you with your DP, however I don't think it is right that she has unilaterally decided she needs to come and talk to you about it. Where do you live? Surely Covid restrictions mean she can't be popping into your house on a whim?

Stonerosie67 · 04/11/2020 12:30

Well I guess the first question is, are you struggling at the moment? If so, then maybe she feels she's trying to help. You've already said you don't get on with her at all, so maybe this is a bit of an olive branch?

Cocomarine · 04/11/2020 12:30

I don’t know why you feel you weren’t going to be told anything - it was your husband who raised it? Which led to the information about her coming over. It doesn’t sound hidden.

I would tell him that you find her proposal part thoughtful, part over bearing... and unnecessary, and tell him to cancel her.

I’d also be asking him why he didn’t tell her that her concerns were unfounded. Is him telling you her concerns, his way of agreeing with them?

Lostinacloud · 04/11/2020 12:31

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that? That’s really quite sad.

SnackSizeRaisin · 04/11/2020 12:31

Maybe she is trying to be nice. But the fear of your in laws dropping in every weekend might be terrible for your mental health! Seeing as DH agreed to this I would be telling him to make sure she doesn't just drop round. More likely it's because she wants to see her granddaughter anyway....

Lostinacloud · 04/11/2020 12:33

Wow seems I’m so far alone in finding the reaction sad. What a sad place everyone is in at the moment.

HeidiHoNeighbour · 04/11/2020 12:34

Excellent.

You now know and can ignore the door.
Drop the latch in case she has keys...

However, to quote many a MN thread “you have a DH problem”
Why didn’t he tell her you’re ok?
Why doesn’t he want to tell you her thoughts?

Original poster
milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 12:36

That's how I feel exactly - that even if I wasn't feeling in the best mood, why does she need to diagnose it and come over to help? I don't feel depressed, I am obviously upset by the circumstances we are all in but that hasn't affected how I am with my daughter or husband.
We are in Scotland and the cases right now where we are are practically nonexistent so I can only guess she wants to begin this as a regular thing. However, we don't see anyone else and she is by herself so I guess it could be described as a bubble. I'm happy to know I'm not unjustified in being mad at DH too, I just don't get why he thought it would be a good idea. My MIL doesn't even know how to spell my name properly yet I guess he expects me to sit and cry into her shoulder about my worries that don't exist.

OP posts:
SnackSizeRaisin · 04/11/2020 12:36

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that?

She's not close to the OP though - they barely get on and the mil is not supportive of their parenting etc. Plus, any offer of help is only helpful if the receiver finds it helpful. Plus, it is polite to offer the "help" rather than imposing it. Pandemic or young child have nothing to do with these basic rules!

yomommasmomma · 04/11/2020 12:38

So you are cross because she is trying to be nice?!!!! If she was your own mother you would be pleased with this.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/11/2020 12:38

So your MIL, who has previously had scant conversation with you told your DH she was going to drop in at weekends and talk to you about your mental health??
How patronising and how annoying of him to agree to it without asking you.
It would be a different matter if she said OP clearly has her hands full, why don't I drop in and take care of GC for an hour on Saturdays so that she can have a rest.
Although, you presumably have DH around on Saturdays to step up, which would be easier for you..

NiceandCalm · 04/11/2020 12:39

Difficult one. Maybe it's an olive branch/excuse to get to know you and her DGD better? But yeah, I'd be annoyed, angry even, especially if I didn't feel depressed! Even if you did, why would she be the one you'd turn to for help? Have a word with your DP and politely state that you'd rather not have her round every w/e, it's too much as you simply need your rest atm. However, with Covid, you have a great excuse anyway!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 04/11/2020 12:39

Sounds like she's just trying to help. You say you don't get on with her at all, but it was lovely to see her Confused.
I think you are being rather dramatic. Your relationship with your mil sounds like mine except mine doesn't have much to do with the children. I wouldn't be offended if she thought I looked down and offered to help. You can't blame everything on pregnancy hormones. I'm currently 6 months pregnant and would just say "thats really good of you but I'm fine, honestly". To be so mad about it is out.

Hoppinggreen · 04/11/2020 12:40

Ypu know if you don’t want her to visit she will just see it as more evidence of your “depression” don’t you?
Just let your DH deal with her and tell her to leave you alone. Unless she’s in a bubble with you she can’t come round anyway

jessstan1 · 04/11/2020 12:43

I wouldn't like it but, in fairness, I think she meant well.

Your husband can gently put her off.

Laserbird16 · 04/11/2020 12:43

This is a DH problem.

Are you depressed? If you are, surely DH should be stepping up to help.

Also it's always prudent to ask the person before you offer away their time. Was he telling you his mum's plan as a heads up, or had he agreed? If it was just letting you know she was considering this, just say it's not necessary and he should tell his mum. If it's was agreed to he shouldn't have!

You could always accept and take yourself off to exercise/sleep etc but you can also do that without MIL being there as DH's support crew.

You may appreciate the extra pair of hands when baby arrives but life is too short if you really can't stand his mum. Plus commiting to every weekend is a bit inflexible.

Tell DH what you'd like and it's his job to sort that out with his mum

Original poster
milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 12:44

@Lostinacloud She is not close to me. We had her over for dinner before the initial lockdown regularly and we chatted about the baby, what the weather was doing, how were her pets. It never went further than that so I can't say she is close to me - there were a number of events such as pets dying, parents having major surgery that she didn't bother calling me for, or ask how I was doing. She disagrees with a lot of the ways that we like to parent which I understand is just differing opinions but I don't get why I need to be grateful for someone just turning up at my house so I spill all my worries. She could have said to me directly that she was worried about me surely?

And for the person that mentioned I didn't feel like I was told about the situation of MIL coming to see me - DH basically said that MIL was worried about me and then went upstairs to get changed - when he got back down he was talking about something else and I had to go back and say what do you mean? That's how I discovered the weekend visits were happening.

OP posts:
JoeCalFuckingZaghe · 04/11/2020 12:45

If she was that worried about you she would mention it to you. Tell her, her “dropping in on weekends” won’t work for you as it’ll actually make you depressed Grin

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