To be so mad at MIL over this

[milmentalhealth]

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

BluebellsGreenbells

I’d tell DH to tell his mother that it’s none of her business and you don’t want her there at weekends

keeprocking - It's unreasonable to tell your husband that his mother can't visit his home, if you don't want to see her then be out.

keeprocking, the MIL has announced (not asked) that she'll be coming round on Saturday night - when OP's DH is at work. With a baby sleeping, how well do you think OP going out would work?

It's not about 'playing along' necessarily. More taking advantage of the offer and turning it to OP's advantage.

Everyone needs sleep and exercise to maintain good mental health. People with babies don't get much time to themselves. Talking about mental health and the need for its active maintenance is not an admission of poor mental health. Just as exercising to maintain good physical health is not an admission of physical illness. It's a means to staying healthy, both mentally and physically.

Lostinacloud i think if you read the OP posts the MIL has no relationship with her and implied to her DH that OP is dangerous so I dont think she is concerned for her DIL mental health and wants to offer support. I think she is coming round to keep an eye and feedback to her DS that the OP cant be trusted.

I wouldnt trust her or the OP DH. If the OP DH was that worried perhaps he could be speaking to his own wife. Not making odd arrangements with his mother.

I would be telling your DH and MIL that you have no interest in her coming at the weekend. I am assuming your not in the UK as we are in full lockdown as of tomorrow anyway

Jakers what an obtuse MIL. If she wanted to be useful she would be looking after nine month old while you put your feet up. She could take her for a walk in the pram for a start. I had my car fixed up with a baby seat when first grand child arrived so that we could help out. If she is not comfortable with that give her the go ahead to entertain baby while you have a nap upstairs.

Seems like it’s your DH that’s the one who’s worried about your MH. Be honest, we’re all strangers so you can be, have you been feeling different or out of sorts after the birth? It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you have - there’s so much help available now.

@Lostinacloud

Wow seems I’m so far alone in finding the reaction sad. What a sad place everyone is in at the moment.

No I feel the same. Very odd attitude to the mothers of husbands on here though. The idea that you’d only be at the stage of making small talk with the woman whose son you’ve married

She probably want to be stuck with you all during the lockdown

If she wanted to help you, surely the best person to ask about that is you? Even if the intention is good, her behaviour is not. Your husband didn't do well either, or course and they shouldn't be discussing your mental health or organizing anything to "help" you behind your back.

Do you think that she might be lonely and searching for an excuse to visit? It doesn't excuse it, but might explain it a bit. Well done for not exploding though- I would have done less well at that!

It sounds like your dh has confided in her, and she suggested it, with him agreeing.
Just tell dh he must have his wires crossed and that you will not be accepting counselling from an unqualified person.

@Feedingthebirds1

BluebellsGreenbells

I’d tell DH to tell his mother that it’s none of her business and you don’t want her there at weekends

keeprocking - It's unreasonable to tell your husband that his mother can't visit his home, if you don't want to see her then be out.

keeprocking, the MIL has announced (not asked) that she'll be coming round on Saturday night - when OP's DH is at work. With a baby sleeping, how well do you think OP going out would work?

It would be unreasnable to say DHs mother couldn't visit his home.

It is not unreasonable to say that he should be there when she visits, and that its at a convenient time.

MIL went through a phase of just turning up when DH was at work, when she knew he was at work but she was 'lonely'. It felt awful but I did have to put my foot down and eventually, I was 'mean and horrible' but I did say that she should only come when he was here, and the kids were. I mean, she was turbning up at 10am, then leaving at 3pm. So coming right after kids went to school, staying all day while they were at school and DH was out, then leaving right before kids were back! Apparently she liked me and wanted company. Which is nice and all but..I am not here as a support crutch for smeone as they are lonely, and I do have my own life and like privacy sometimes!

Please don't let it get to any stage similar to that. I felt like a monster sorting all that shit out, and it was all on a sliding 'oh one hour cant hurt, whatever' type way, it crept up slowly and then hit me.

Aren't mental health support reasons an allowed reason to be able to visit another person in their home?

Is she just trying to preemptively skirt the lockdown regulations?!

@Vivi0

This is awful.

It is one thing to ask someone if they need help/support, it is quite another to diagnose someone with depression and then tell them (via their husband) what is going to be happening.

I honestly think this is a bit scary. Your MIL decides you are depressed and posters are telling you that you are being unreasonable! I wonder how they would feel if their MIL decided to tell them that they had a mental health problem and concoct a plan, with their husband, on how it was going to be dealt with.

Nip this in the bud now. Does she also, further down the line, get to decide that you are an incompetent parent due to your depression?

I can't get over how so many think it's perfectly reasonable for the MIL who has a very superficial relationship with OP, to make pronouncements on her MH.

If she had said "tired" and offered to take the baby for a walk but MH pronouncements strikes me as extremely rude and offensive.

You need to find out if your husband in any way said something before you speak to her.

If he didn't, she has a huge cheek "telling" not "asking" could she came and help.

I wouldn't accept anyone "telling" me they are coming to my home.

You need to sort out your husband.

If he has gone along with this interpretation of your MH conversation with his mother, I would be very very pissed off.

He certainly hasn't your back.

At the very least, he's a really dim man.

Ask him how he would like you allowing your family make baseless pronouncements on his MH.🙄

YANBU

You don’t have any mental health problems now but if MIL starts visiting every weekend you soon will do.
Don’t be walked all over, she visits only when agreed and when you are happy with. I would suggest when DH is there too. DH needs to be much more supportive of your wishes and deal with his mother.
You can still get to know her bit by bit but I would say you have got the measure of her pretty well already.

@GrumpyHoonMain

Seems like it’s your DH that’s the one who’s worried about your MH. Be honest, we’re all strangers so you can be, have you been feeling different or out of sorts after the birth? It’s nothing to be ashamed of if you have - there’s so much help available now.

How it is playing out on here, is how it plays out in real life.

The OP has said she is not depressed.

But because it has been raised by her MIL, the OP is not being believed and is having her own judgement questioned.

If you accept the solution your MIL and DH have come up with, it will be used as further evidence of your “depression” and your not being able to cope.

Raising concerns about someone’s mental health in the way your MIL has is such an insidious thing to do to.

She might be lonely, that is is a good explanation for it. I just hate how it's framed like I'm a problem - or someone that needs "rescuing".
I really do enjoy being a mum, it's just the lockdown changed all the plans I had like swimming with my daughter, baby groups. I generally feel ok in myself too.
For those who are saying they don't understand how we have only had small talk I don't know how to change it. Our interests are so different, if I try to talk about something I like she just goes "that's nice." I don't want to bore her but I am certainly not depressed.

I do think it would have been a lovely offer had she asked but she didn't which is where I have the biggest issue. If she offered to take our daughter I would love it so they could bond better but she is fixing on my supposed depression and by talking to my husband about it instead of me it really hurts. She doesn't even know how to spell my name correctly and she now knows that I am depressed? I asked my husband what happened and he said he just laughed at her when she said she thought I was depressed, I think he assumed it was a sarcastic joke but didn't know what to say when she invited herself over on the weekend.

Ok devils advocate here (and I don’t like my MIL!)

Maybe she’s trying and thinking she’s being helpful. The way things are just now with mental health I always think it’s better being proactive with things like this.

Your DH should have asked you though if everything was ok. Sometimes it’s people that don’t really know us that see the biggest difference

I can totally see why you're upset - you've basically been disenfranchised as a functional adult by your husband and his mother.

It's nice that she's concerned about you - and maybe she doesn't feel close enough to you to ask you herself if you need anything - but TELLING you that she is going to come over and talk to you is NOT the right way to go about anything.

What would have worked better all round is if she had said "I'm worried about @milmentalhealth, is she ok?" to your DH, and he had said "I think so" - and then she had said "well tell her that if she ever wants to talk, or needs an extra pair of hands, to let me know and I'll come over and help out"

THAT would have been fine, and allowed @milmentalhealth the option to say whether or not she actually WANTED her MIL to come over, without her DH there, and while the baby was asleep.

But that's not what happened. Her choice was taken away completely because her husband and his mother decided they knew what was best for her. Nope.

So yes - I suggest you do ring her, say thank you for the OFFER to come over at the weekend (singular) but you're fine, and don't need anything right now. If that should change, YOU will call HER and let her know.

And have a word with your DH about the whole situation as well! Ask him how he'd like it if you'd done the same thing with your mother to him. Bet he'd see your point fast enough then!

Husband is also going to speak to her tonight and sort it out. He said that he didn't mention anything about my mental health or how we are, she brought it up out of nowhere and said that I looked like I was depressed, and he laughed as it had come out of nowhere. I do appreciate people telling me I'm being unreasonable but I seriously think that if someone you weren't close with questioned your mental health out of nowhere to someone else you would be a bit miffed too.
My MIL has done this a few times now that I think about it though, she asked DH if she could be in the delivery room as she thought he would faint. I didn't even hear about it until I was in the hospital (and DH had obviously told her no) as he knew I only wanted him there. She didn't think to ask me though and she had so many occasions to drop it into conversation but she just went straight to DH.
I don't understand how I can build the relationship with her when she goes through DH and I just get the seconds of every conversation.

Oddly enough the organisation I work for is trying exactly this tactic. They are constantly demanding line managers to require staff to talk to them about very personal issues relating to their mental health and stress triggers - which is frankly prying and none of their damned business unless it's affecting their ability to do their work - so that they can tick the box saying they've taking everyone's mental health seriously.

It's a preposterous crock of shit, given that they're a bunch of utterly ruthless bastards who have fostered a nasty environment of bullying and micro-management. They're also quite capable of taking confidences about our mental health and using them against us.

So, for me, this struck a chord. Of course I'm not suggesting for a moment that this mother-in-law is equally ruthless, but I do fully understand how threatening it feels when some unqualified bystander seems to take a doctors' mantle upon themselves to armchair-diagnose someone else's mental health. It must be especially discombobulating when they then decide on a narrative (of course with themselves at front and centre) as to how the situation they've dreamed up should best be dealt with.

It's not what MiL has done, but the way she's gone about doing it. You don't issue diktats to others about the state of their mental health. That sort of behaviour crosses the line, as it can actually be harmful.

It may be she's genuinely concerned, is just a rubbish communicator, and has made an (in my view serious) error of judgement. In which case she'll be quite understanding if you tell her 'No thank you MiL, I have no issue with my mental health and am not given to confidences. But if you'd like to help support us, I'd be delighted if you could do X, Y, or Z'.

That gives her a job and makes her feel useful. You'll also be able go gauge a lot by her reactions. If they are benign, and she happily accepts what you say about the kind of support you'd like rather than she deems appropriate, then everything is A-okay. If she kicks off or starts down the passive aggressive tack then you'll know how right you were to have been wary of her in the first place.

If she comes over just say that you are fine and don’t need anything from her then walk away, you need to tell hubby that he should tell her to stfu !

It would be alright (if possibly embarrassing and annoying, since she's wrong and over-reacting) if she thought you seemed depressed and wanted to mention it to her son. That would be the responsible and caring thing to do.

However, making this plan that she should come over every weekend to "help" you when the two of you aren't close and she hasn't asked if you'd like her company is patronising and infantilising.

I'd be very annoyed at the way she's approached the situation, even if she honestly thinks you seem in low spirits, and I'd also wonder if this was just a way of making herself feel important or seeing her grandchild more often (if she thinks she needs an excuse to come over more frequently).

How magnanimous of her to look after her poor DIL. And what a handy excuse to justify regular visits. She isn't close to you & regular visits from someone you don't really get on with wouldnt help in the least if you were 'struggling'. I'd calmly tell DH to tell her there is no need & she's no judge of your mood or your parenting. Is she usually so manipulative? Calm dismissal is best or you will be described as hysterical & over reacting .

I don’t know if I would be angrier at her or him TBH. needless to say I would be fuming.

YANBU, however you prolly are more upset by this than you would normally be due to the pregnancy. Don’t let them upset you.

And as others have said, don’t answer the door to her.

The OP is clearly not MIL-bashing. And she plans to explain to her MIL that she has no MH issues and doesn't need unarranged visits - especially not when DC1 is in bed and the OP can relax or sleep or whatever.

There's help and there's help. As the OP has said, she would bite MIL's hand off if help had been discussed directly with her and that it involved taking the baby out while the OP caught up on sleep or housework or just relaxing.

Not MIL saying she will come round regardless, without consulting the OP, when she can't help with the baby just to keep her DIL company when that's not what DIL wants. And to posit MH issues when OP is simply overwhelmed and - like most of us - depressed about where the country is going.

I'd feel the exact same as you.
She can come over when he is there.
These Sons of controlling mothers tend to be the same.
They accept everything Mummy tells them to do, but also make sure they are nowhere to be seen when Mummy is around.
They want to please the controlling Mummy, but don't actually like being in her company. They happily fob off their controlling mother onto their wives, and get them to manage that relationship.
Don't fall for it!!