To be so mad at MIL over this

[milmentalhealth]

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

I think the pro-MIL lobby are on to a loser with this one. Odd choice to pin your flag to IMO.

Are you able to articulate what it is that you think this MIL is offering the OP that is actually helpful to the OP rather than solely to the MIL?

Or to explain why she could not simply have asked the OP what help would be welcome?

I have a nice MIL and know many nice MILs but I recognise demand and control, and self-centredness, when I see it.

MILs can do no right on Mumsnet

From my reading of this site the opposite is true. MiLs tend to be given a free pass for all sorts of outlandish behaviour simply because they are MiLs. It is as though shared DNA through some quarters of the family is a reason to accept all manner of impositions that would be laughed at if they emanated from any other direction. It's all the more baffling because shared DNA with those grandchildren is a reason to treat their parents better rather than worse. It's the MiL/DiL relationship alone that's being criticised in many responses, sometimes with scant concern paid to the actual behaviour that prompted the OP in the first place.

But it's the behaviour that's the concern here. For someone - no matter who it is - to take it upon themselves to arm-chair diagnose the state of someone else's mental health, to behave as though they are a child with no autonomy or ability to speak for their own interests, would not sit easily with me. I reserve the right and autonomy to speak for my own mental health, and I'm sure the OP feels the same. It's egregiously disingenuous for anyone to take on the mantle of the expert here - armchair psych quackery is really in nobody's interests no matter what the cause. The fact that she's a MiL is immaterial: what she's doing crosses the line. Her behaviour is beyond manipulative and falls into the territory of potentially harmful, especially if visited on someone in an impressionable state, or who is already vulnerable owing to pregnancy hormones.

If you seriously think that sort of behaviour is okay, try applying the same scenario to your boss at work, or someone with power over you in any given situation. Doesn't look so rosy and caring then, does it? In fact it comes across as very ominous and threatening.

OP should not back down over this.

MILs can do no right on Mumsnet

it's not the case though. MiLs who are overbearing and overstep the line get short shrift here because it's annoying to have someone butt into your life when you didn't choose them to be in it.

In OPs case I'd be cross people were making arrangements for me to have to entertain someone on my "time off". Why not come over Saturday afternoon (or when it's convenient) to take over care of the 9 month old and give OP a break? Why make OP have to try to make polite conversation with someone she has nothing in common with just because she's married to this person's son?

I'd just tell DH and MIL that i'm perfectly capable of entertaining myself in the evening, but that if she really wants to help (knowing that the real reason might be lonlieness) why doesn't she come over and play with the 9 month old with her son?

FWIW i loathed my MIL who was a manipulative sexist old cow (who thought the sun shone out of her sons' arses and i was included in the reflected glory) who i refused to spend any time with alone at all ever. If she'd suggested this my DH would have told her it wasn't happening because he knew how i felt.

"I wouldn't be happy if my mother spoke to my partner about how I seemed depressed and then turned up to speak to me and expected me to lay out all my worries to her. If I have a problem I would try to go to a therapist or I would say to my mother do you mind if I have a word with you about this ect"

Most depressed people don't do that. Certainly a lot of women who have PND wouldn't. If she hasn't seen you in months she's put 2+2 and =5, but it might genuinely come from a place of concern. It's usually other women who pick up on PND and not the men around new Mum's. That was the fear of MW, HV and GP clinics stopping, more women would fall through the net.

It needs to be shut down, if you don't want it to happen, but it wasn't a completely outlandish suggestion. For those saying it's none of her business. In these, times of not seeing friends, who looks out for us?

Your MIL is being covertly divisive. She is instilling the idea that there is something wrong with you and she is the one who can “fix” things. (Mum knows best.) This is really a dangerous behaviour all if your DH keeps buying into it. He needs to learn to recognize this and nip it in the bud for himself. Frankly, I’m not surprised you have never gotten along with her. She will never be interested in that. She sees you as “The Competition” and she’s determined to edge you out of the picture - but in a really sneaky manner. Watch your back, as she’s a poisonous snake.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks

MILs can do no right on Mumsnet

From my reading of this site the opposite is true. MiLs tend to be given a free pass for all sorts of outlandish behaviour simply because they are MiLs. It is as though shared DNA through some quarters of the family is a reason to accept all manner of impositions that would be laughed at if they emanated from any other direction. It's all the more baffling because shared DNA with those grandchildren is a reason to treat their parents better rather than worse. It's the MiL/DiL relationship alone that's being criticised in many responses, sometimes with scant concern paid to the actual behaviour that prompted the OP in the first place.

But it's the behaviour that's the concern here. For someone - no matter who it is - to take it upon themselves to arm-chair diagnose the state of someone else's mental health, to behave as though they are a child with no autonomy or ability to speak for their own interests, would not sit easily with me. I reserve the right and autonomy to speak for my own mental health, and I'm sure the OP feels the same. It's egregiously disingenuous for anyone to take on the mantle of the expert here - armchair psych quackery is really in nobody's interests no matter what the cause. The fact that she's a MiL is immaterial: what she's doing crosses the line. Her behaviour is beyond manipulative and falls into the territory of potentially harmful, especially if visited on someone in an impressionable state, or who is already vulnerable owing to pregnancy hormones.

If you seriously think that sort of behaviour is okay, try applying the same scenario to your boss at work, or someone with power over you in any given situation. Doesn't look so rosy and caring then, does it? In fact it comes across as very ominous and threatening.

OP should not back down over this.

This.

OP says her DH is talking to MIL tonight, and so he should. He should be robustly support his DW.

It's not on that MIL has decided OP has depression, and it's not on to infantilise OP by telling her, via her DH, what will be happening.

Aside from all the other issues concerning the OPs complete lack of depression, one of the key things about supporting others' mental health is that you actually do things that are helpful! Not deciding on what you want to do and presenting it as a fair accompli, not assuming that your presence is helpful when it isn't, not doing things that make you feel better, but actually doing things that make the other person feel better.

I can't see how discussing them behind their back, speculating on their mental health and deciding that your presence is the secret to ending their misdiagnosed depression really cuts it.

Make sure you have lots of jobs up your sleeve that you just don't "feel up to" when she turns up, and set her to work "helping"!

Did MIL turn up on the weekend, OP - or did DH head her off at the pass?

I don't know... I'm going through a horrible time at the moment, caring for my severely disabled Mum, my toddler is undergoing various tests as he hasn't hit any of his milestones, I'm trying to hold down a stressful job & I feel like I'm falling apart - I would love for someone to care enough to notice that I'm drowning.

I think she is trying to show she cares.

Did you name change when you posted this thread? Sounds like you are having a dreadful time. Maybe she’s trying to reach out. You may never be close, but perhaps now is a good time to tell her what WOULD be supportive and helpful to you and see if she is willing to take on any of those jobs - even helping out with your DS while you sleep/watch Netflix/have a bath for a couple of hours.

I doubt this conversation just came out of nowhere . She may have noticed you were tired and interpreted as depression , but I can't imagine he was just a helpless onlooker who didn't contribute, he just wouldn't have expected her to say she was coming round .

@Lostinacloud

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that? That’s really quite sad.

I agree with you. I think it's been suggested from a position of caring, not the opposite!

MILs just can't put a foot right on Mumsnet!

Yes, I'd be irritated. When we came home with our first DC, MIL came over the next day, tutted that our slightly untidy house was unacceptable and claimed we 'obviously weren't coping' - when we were coping just fine until she turned up! DH threw her out of the house.