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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so mad at MIL over this

164 replies

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 12:21

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:

Craftycorvid · 04/11/2020 13:32

Is there any chance at all that your DH has reported this conversation somewhat differently from how it actually went? Might he have hinted you could do with some support? I’m surprised he just went along with the idea of visits if he is fully aware you don’t get on with his mum. My first instinct was to say ‘well DH can just say thanks but no thanks’ to her. My second thought is might an alternative to weekend visits that’s less pressure be helpful? You say it’s generally good if she gets on with your children, and you may well need a bit of practical help. I too would bridle if my other half announced that his mum was going to come visit to improve my wellbeing - so many assumptions!

PatriciaPerch · 04/11/2020 13:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

messy123 · 04/11/2020 13:35

Another vote for she may be trying to extend olive branch.

I'm not close to MIL but she could see I was struggling when I became a mum and offered to move in for a couple of weeks to help. I was diagnosed with post partum psychosis eventually. I thought she was being a massive pain in the arse and I couldn't be bothered with me but she helped me no end and 3 years later I don't think I could have got through those early months without her.

Maybe give her a chance?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/11/2020 13:36

Your DH agreed to it. That's the problem. He could have told her no, or that he'd need to talk to you about whether you'd like that and get back to her.

Your DH knows you and your state of mind a lot better than your MIL does. So either he agreed with her, or he allowed himself to be steamrollered, despite knowing that the visits would not be in your best interests.

Big chat with your DH needed.

Eviebeans · 04/11/2020 13:39

I'm gonna risk it and say - could it be that your OH mentioned it to MIL? Rather than it being her idea. I'm a MIL three times and my sons do stuff like this to me at times... One of my DILs I am quite close to had been feeling a bit low after giving birth to her second child but in that case my son hadn't noticed at all. She was very accepting of help but I wouldn't have felt okay doing that with the other two DILs. Ask him straight whether he brought it up with his mum in a "oh I'm a bit worried about - could you pop in and see her when I'm not around at the weekend..." sort of way.

Morred · 04/11/2020 13:40

Tell your DH that you've thought about it and the most helpful thing would be a bit of time to yourself (to relax, get a bit of gentle exercise, whatever) so if MIL wants to help him look after your older child while you have a bit of time alone, that would be lovely and you'll leave him to set it up.

NeilBuchananisBanksy · 04/11/2020 13:42

Can you not arrange to go out with a friend and assume she's there to babysit?! 😬

Bowerbird5 · 04/11/2020 13:44

Just tell him you were tired not depressed.

Parenting... just nod, smile and say I know things are different now. Get her a latest baby book for Christmas or a How not to be an overbearing Grandmother one 🤣 someone has bound to have written one.

It is awful that she doesn’t know your birthday and can’t spell your name. That is just lazy! I have grown up children. One with a partner and I send him a card. DH calls him something similar to his name but not always his name. It is because the people at the pub have a son who works there who has a name with one letter different, I also have a cousin with the same name but DH has only met him twice. Both names are very unusual. I get fed up correcting DH.

Maybe tell DH to step up a bit more as you are tired not depressed.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/11/2020 13:45

Personally I'd be really, really annoyed at having one of my only bits of 'me time' in the week hijacked, by anyone.

If she wanted to help, she could ask you what it would be helpful for her to do, to amke things a bit easier for you. To me, coming over and entertaining your dd, who loves her, so you can have a break and sleep / do something else, would be helpful.

Anyone trying to impose herself as a guest, during my precious time to myself, so she could play at being a therapist, would not be entering my home.

Ohtherewearethen · 04/11/2020 13:48

I would be extremely pissed off about this. It is not up to your MIL to decide you are not well and that she is the one to fix it by coming round every Saturday night to sit with you having uncomfortable/slightly awkward polite conversations. Your husband and his mother deciding what you are going to do at weekends without even considering what you want to do is absolutely not on. If her offer of help was genuine why didn't she ask IF it would be helpful for her to pop round and HOW she could be helpful - walking the dog, putting Hoover round, doing the ironing, or entertaining the baby while you can get on with things. Her deciding that you must want or need her to come over every weekend for the sake of your non-existent mental health issues is way out of line. Your husband needs to fix this and soon.

Original poster

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 13:55

Thanks for all the comments. I do agree maybe this is a DH thing that I need to discuss with him too - I will ask him if he set this up beforehand or if it was really MIL. I just wish MIL had spoken to me rather than my partner, it made me feel like a little girl again and not a mother and wife.

OP posts:

Original poster

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 13:58

Also if she had offered to look after the baby for an hour while I slept I would have taken her hand off - it's just the way DH said it was like I was so depressed I was a danger or something. I would love to build a proper relationship with her, I just don't want to go from talking about the weather to discussing what makes me upset when there is nothing in particular.

OP posts:

NRatched · 04/11/2020 13:59

Sounds like shes just loking for an excuse to come over more really. Be firm, if you don't want her there. Its not mean to want your own space, and if you allow smaller invasions, it will progress.

Mind I am a bit biased I think on MIL stuff as I have a constant fight to keep MIL away, if she had her way she would move in. Which is our own fault my mum says, because after a hospital stay, we allowed her to move in short term, for 2 weeks. Since then, she has assumed its fine for her to come whenever, and cries and makes a huge deal if we say no for any reason

NRatched · 04/11/2020 14:00

@milmentalhealth

Yes, watching the child for a bit so you can get some you time, is actually helping.

'Popping in' to 'check your mental health' is not helping. In the slightest.

Direwolfwrangler · 04/11/2020 14:01

I’m with you OP, I would not be happy either. But, your DH may also be at fault here. It would have been much better for him to present this as an offer rather than something decided without your input.

I would be clear with your DH that this arrangement does not work for you. If you wish, you could suggest some ways MIL can help, but only if you actually need it.

diddl · 04/11/2020 14:04

Op, please don't think that you are being unreasonable in this.

It's not right for two people to decide that it's fine for one of them to now visit you every weekend!

And what would your husband be doing at that time??!!

lottiegarbanzo · 04/11/2020 14:05

You could say to her that we all know how important sleep and exercise are for good mental health, so if she'd like to mind dd for an hour or two, so you can get more of one of those things, that would be wonderful!

Then stand firm - be in your gym kit or PJs when she arrives and get out / upstairs sharpish.

You'd still have time for a little social chat before she goes.

Vivi0 · 04/11/2020 14:08

@lottiegarbanzo

Then stand firm - be in your gym kit or PJs when she arrives and get out / upstairs sharpish.

You'd still have time for a little social chat before she goes.

The OP has said she doesn’t have depression.

Why should she have to play along to make MIL feel useful?

Blueberries0112 · 04/11/2020 14:09

Annoying and tell her no thanks and you are fine.

picosandsancerre · 04/11/2020 14:09

I would understand her visiting at weekends if you had a close relationship. You dont so it sounds like she is using it as an excuse to see your DD more often.

My OH had one of those types of conversations many years ago with his mother, they between them decided following a loss that his mother and I should have weekly contact. Needless to say that didnt happen and my OH was told to FO.

Nice to see your DH has your back.....not

diddl · 04/11/2020 14:11

Well if Op needs baby looking after for sleep or exercise-she's got a husband!

Blueberries0112 · 04/11/2020 14:11

@Lostinacloud

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that? That’s really quite sad.

The problem is that she never told her mil anything, she just assumed. Unusually, it means MIL see her incapable of caring for her children. Quite patronizing.

BreatheAndFocus · 04/11/2020 14:13

I don’t think it sounds like an ‘olive branch’. Assuming it did actually come from your MIL not your DH, it sounds like a way to undermine you and control you and push herself in. I’d be very wary of that. Perhaps it was just a bitchy comment, or perhaps it was an excuse to pop round, but it sounds a bit off to me, like she’s trying to take over and to paint you as slightly unstable or whatever.

You need a good talk with your DH first to find out exactly what was said by whom, and why she (or he?) thought you were depressed.

Then I’d be thanking MIL and refusing her help myself (“Lovely of you to be concerned, MIL, but I’m absolutely fine - feeling really well actually. No, you don’t need to pop round ha ha but we had a nice time with you on Xday and hope to see you again sometime soon”, etc If you let your DH pass on your refusal, it’ll make you look weak IMO and give her an opportunity to ratchet up the ‘shes not coping’.

Newbie8365 · 04/11/2020 14:15

My mother in law did a very similar thing the last time I saw her about 6 weeks ago. She kept on at me telling me that I was depressed (which I'm not) and for me to go to the doctors. It got to the point where I burst into tears (not from being depressed but from her constantly going on at me). I hate being in her company and avoid her as much as possible so I can understand where you are coming from OP.

Whatever you do, dont let her come over every weekend!

2bazookas · 04/11/2020 14:15

Is it possible that your DH thinks you're depressed, or struggling, .and that he sought his mothers ear and advice over lunch? But he darent let on to you it was him who mentioned it to her not the other way round. . She then kindly suggested a way she could help and he (obviously) agreed to it.

If your MH was first mentioned by MIL, and DH doesn't think you're depressed, then surely he would just tell her so, and decline her offer because he knows you won't welcome it.

 Maybe it's time you and MIL had a real conversation  for once?

We had two children 11 months apart. Trust me, you're going to need all the help you can get in that first year.

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