To be so mad at MIL over this

[milmentalhealth]

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

As a MIL myself I usually find the bashing we get here on MN sad but I'm with you OP. If the wanting to help is genuine why is she "telling" your DH and not asking YOU if she could help out by visiting more often.

Are you me OP?
We seen MIL a couple of weeks ago, I don’t like her but respect her relationship with DH/DS... we made the same small talk we always make and I kept out the way and tidied up...
The next day I got a text asking if I was ok because I’m clearly heading into a depressive spiral. The same time my sister in law text saying that MIL has told her about my depression and they both insist on having DS to help me recover.

I’m mortified. I’ve ignored them both and DH is sorting it, but Jesus I feel your pain OP. It’s one thinks being concerned about mental well being but it’s another having their opinion forced into you.

Shes not close to you just small talk terms so its not appropriate for her to make decisions without letting you know (what includes both of you)
I'll find it annoying if my MIL didnt reach out to me but went over my head to DH about these things but thats me.

If you dont want her to drop by for your alleged health issues just say you've been speaking to your midwife and have support. Your MIL is not a doctor or counsellor to diagnose you so that will do it.

Also if you do think you are feeling down please do speak to your gp dont suffer in silence x

I think she is trying to be nice snd you are being a bit unreasonable.

You are also unreasonable to say you don’t get on because you only make small talk. I am not sure that is the same thing.

That said, your DH should have said he would talk to you about the offer of support and if he doesn’t think you are depressed or in need of support should have said so. You need to talk to him.

I don’t think your mil did anything wrong though.

I think it’s fine for her to talk about things with her son.
I think your husband is an idiot for not stopping the weekend visits.
Have you got the wrong end of the stick - is she coming over at weekends to help with the baby? Maybe she just wants to help.
Anyway, this is for your DH to deal with

Is there anyone you could visit at the w/e's so you're conveniently out when she calls? Or just tell your DH that you are simply tired, which is entirely normal with a baby and another on the way and the last thing you need is people turning up! You really need to nip this in the bud - or rather your DP does.

To ckarify if she said to your DH I think your DW is a bit down so will come over more to help her - abd he just said ok without consulting you or knowing you would appreciate it, your issue is with your DH and not your mil.

@Lostinacloud

Wow seems I’m so far alone in finding the reaction sad. What a sad place everyone is in at the moment.

Nope, me too.

She thinks you might be struggling and wants to help? God, yeah how awful of her. You say you've never had cross words, just don't particularly get on. Well maybe she would actually like to get on with you but you're always too prickly to give it a go?

Fair enough if you don’t want her popping round every Saturday but it might not be too much to make a bit of an effort?

Is it more likely that your mil is feeling isolated and therefore wants more contact but wants to portray it as her doing you a good turn so you are less able to refuse?
Whatever her intentions, I would be furious at being discussed by your husband and his mother, diagnosed and a course of treatment decided without any input from you. Who do they think they are?

@yomommasmomma I wouldn't be happy if my mother spoke to my partner about how I seemed depressed and then turned up to speak to me and expected me to lay out all my worries to her. If I have a problem I would try to go to a therapist or I would say to my mother do you mind if I have a word with you about this ect

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion It was lovely to see her - not for me particularly but for my husband and my daughter. She absolutely loves the attention and was laughing and giggling and that made me happy to see it. I don't just sit blankly when she comes over, I am generally happy and making tea and discussing what's on TV and such.
I actually think I might have appreciated it a lot more if she came to me and asked if I was ok. It just feels really cheeky to speak to my DH and then say, not offer, to come over on the weekend to talk to me.
My daughter will be asleep I presume as she said to DH that she would be there for the evening, and my DH will not be home. He works on the weekends so it will just be me and MIL.

Erm, she sounds lovely

Very caring and just wants to make sure that you're ok

YABU and I'm shocked so many people on here think you're not

If you’re in England she can’t come visit you after tomorrow anyway unless you’re her support bubble.

You need to tell her you don’t want or need her popping round every weekend thanks. Having MIL turn up every weekend would send almost anyone’s MH into a tiz.

I can understand your annoyance.
Did your husband contradict her and say you are fine thanks, or did he go along with her assessment?

This is key.

If he went along with it I would be additionally pissed off.

She wants to visit at the weekend and has decided this will be her reason.

I think she has a huge cheek considering she is not close to you in the slightest.

If she asked could she bring the baby for a walk it would be one thing but this would really irritate me, but your husband not shutting it down and telling you it's just happening would make me furious with him.

Is he a dim twat?
Cos he certainly sounds like it.
Sorry!

If you don't get on with her and don't want her there, tell your husband to tell her not to come. If he doesn't, tell her yourself.

Is MIL a suitably qualified HCP that can diagnose and treat depression? It would have been nice if she approached you and not your DH - but I suspect she knew she would get a straight no thanks from you. It's also an incredible act of egotistical arrogance to presume you need any help at all.

You might feel better about the whole thing if you just assume she has good intentions and give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she wants to be closer to you. Maybe she is worried about how you will manage with new baby and DC when DH is away over the weekend.

You could give her a call, mention that DH said she's worried about you, and see where the conversation goes. If she says she is coming over at the weekend (which presumably she will), you can thank her for the offer and explain it's not necessary right now, but you will let her know if you do need more help.

@MrsJBaptiste But surely there's a huge difference between saying that she wants to help and saying oh I'll be here on the weekend to see her? I probably did phrase that wrong too, I do get on with her but it doesn't go any deeper than basic conversation. I would say I am the only one making any effort actually which is partly why I'm so mad by it - I regularly talk to her about our daughter and send her pictures, she has never gotten me a card for my birthday or even spelt my name right and she makes constant digs at how I parent or if I ask her opinion on something. I do appreciate the comment though, it might be a sign that I do need to make more effort towards her.

I was that 5month pregnant woman with a 9month old baby a few years ago. Sadly my mental health was suffering.
If someone who I didn't share much interest with/wasn't that close to, had told me to my face that they were worried about me, Id have bitten back. Judging by your posts, you're the same so I can see why MIL wouldn't want to have that conversation with you.

Remember also, unless you were in that room having that conversation you won't know how things were worded or what was actually said so your husband could be telling you it in a differen't way etc.. so I think on one hand YABU

And another, you're not. She shouldn't been inviting herself in to your home on a weekly basis to talk to you. She can call or text if she's worried.

You MIL is worried about your met all health (we have to assume she is genuinely concerned) and so she wants to come over and help you, what is so bad about this?? The only issue is your DH didn't check with you first before he said yes, but honestly she is your MiL (and your children's grandmother) so you are at stuck with her, so my view is get over yourself and start trying to create a bearable relationship with her, to make the rest of your marriage easier!

And if you are in England, she won't be coming anyway, because we are back in lockdown from tomorrow.

I think there's a huge difference between saying 'you know what, I'm a bit worried about milmentalhealth, do you think it would help both of you if I came over now and then at the weekend to help with grandaughter? See what milmentalhealth says and we can get a few dates in the diary if she's happy. Maybe we can have a chat now and then if it'd help her' and 'you know what, I'm a bit worried about milmentalhealth so I'm going to come over at the weekends to help out and have a chat with her'. One is assuming you're an adult with the ability to say yes or no and the other dismisses your potential feelings on the matter.

It should be pretty obvious to most people that, if you are having some issues with depression etc., the last thing anyone should do is just step all over you. I'd be annoyed if my best friend did what your MIL proposes to do and we chat about our feelings all the time!

DH can go back and say 'thanks for the offer. We don't need it at the moment but it's nice to know the offer stands'. But don't cut off the offer of help to spite her - just use her as you need to instead. So if you need a few hours, feet up, see if she's happy to have baby - with notice of course.

@Lostinacloud

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that? That’s really quite sad.

This.

Usual pile on because of evil MiL. Unless there's a major history with this woman, she thought you were a bit down and wanted to be supportive. There's no reason why you have to confide in her but I don't think there's anything sinister about wanting to give someone, even someone you don't know that well, a bit of support. Some people benefit in confiding in others. We're not all identical. If it's not for you, just say so, don't bitch about the woman behind her back. And incidentally, saying to her son that she's a bit concerned about you isn't bitching about you.

Lostinacloud I totally agree with you.

Just to add, so mad about it is complete overkill.

Ask your dad to come visit your DH from Mon-Fri. Say that he's noticed his communication skills decline and feels that this regular interaction will help support him.