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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so mad at MIL over this

164 replies

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 12:21

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

OP posts:

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 04/11/2020 13:09

I had to have a frank conversation with DH when I wasn't really well was pg had young toddler and he was being away a lot with work as his Mum and him kept arranging her to come over.

We weren't close and weren't really getting on at the time.

I pointed out it was more work for me - which he should have known as she was hard work when he was around at the time - she was at time super fussy with meals expect to be entertained wasn't great fitting around young child. She's much less work now.

I think he was feeling worried and guilty and this was an easy win for him when his Mum suggested it but took no account of my actual needs.

So bacially sit him down and have a frank talk and be clear you're upset about whole situation.

TooTardy · 04/11/2020 13:10

@Lostinacloud

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that? That’s really quite sad.

Pleased I'm not the only one who thinks this.

It sounds to come from a place if compassion. it's lovely that your MIL cares enough about you to even ask, let alone try to offer to help.

Perhaps when she comes you can ask her to take the little one to the park, or play with her whilst you have a rest.

It could be a fantastic way to really grow your relationship into something lovely.

Please don't automatically dismiss her. She sounds like she really cares.

kateybeth79 · 04/11/2020 13:11

If I was in a bit low, the last person I would want to come over is someone I'm not particularly close to. I struggle making conversation with close friends when I feel that way. And if I was in a full depression (I have Bipolar so it happens) that kind of thing would set off my anxiety and have me in tears!

It's nice that's she's showing concern but if I were her, I would have raised it with DH and asked if maybe he could encourage you to have a close friend or relative visit, not invited myself as we are not close!

kingdomcapers · 04/11/2020 13:13

The thing is even if you are depressed/struggling surely she could be self-aware enough to realise she might not be the best person to help. She could say to your DH, mother to son, you don't seem yourself, is he aware and doing all he can, and that's it anything else is overstepping. Your DH should've realised you wouldn't want her interference and nipped it in the bud. It's up to him to put her straight now.

Petitmum · 04/11/2020 13:13

I'm torn on this - I have a good relationship with current mil (16 years) and had a great relationship with ex mil (17 years). Neither of those relationships just happened - the only things we really had in common when we met were that we both loved DH!! It takes time and effort on both parts but has been well worth the effort. Why not put aside your anger, have her over and see how things develop?
You are pregnant and looking after a baby - you need allies more than enamies.................

Laserbird16 · 04/11/2020 13:13

Given your other posts I'd just talk to her...nicely.

She may genuinely be trying to help. My MIL is a very nice lady but we are different people. When DH would away for work she would always offer to stay and ring to make sure I was Ok possibly because she wouldn't like being by herself. It was completely unnecessary but very thoughtful.

DH obviously isn't the best communicator so you're getting half a conversation. Maybe just thank MIL for the offer, how sweet of her to be concerned but you are fine. You're actually looking forward to a little time by yourself and why don't you pencil in some visits when DH is free too.

Then brief DH not to agree to anything without checking with you

AhoyMeFarties · 04/11/2020 13:15

I'd be upset with my DH discussing my health with anybody without me present. It's intrusive, and I'd be cross at somebody inviting themselves into my home on a regular basis to help me when no help is needed. It crosses my boundaries

Dontbeme · 04/11/2020 13:17

Tell your DH that you have spoken to your dad about DH erectile dysfunction and your dad will be over on Sundays to talk to him about it. That should help focus his mind on how patronising and embarrassing his and mil are being. If she asked if you help with DC or some help about the house to give you a break that's one thing, but she has decided without any evidence that you are struggling and they are treating you like a child incapable of knowing her own mind. I would be hurt by that , it seems very controlling on mil part too.

OchonAgusOchonO · 04/11/2020 13:17

@Lostinacloud

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

Based on the op, it doesn't sound like she's a close family member. She's her mil with whom she does not enjoy a close relationship. It would be completely different if they had a close relationship.

FangsForTheMemory · 04/11/2020 13:18

She’s inventing an excuse to do what SHE wants. The last think you want if you’re not feeling great is someone who gets on your nerves hanging around!

mummmy2017 · 04/11/2020 13:19

Talk to her.
DH told me you offered to come and chat at the weekend, thanks but it's not something I want
I'd rather you visited when DH your son is here too.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 04/11/2020 13:20

I’m not in England so I could be wrong about the rules but... if you have caring responsibilities for someone you can visit that person’s home throughout lockdown. Could this be a sneaky way to spend more time your baby and she’s using your (non existent) mental health struggles to do this?

Either way she has no right to, your husband has no right to announce that will be happening and they can both get in the fucking bin as you won’t be answering the door.

REignbow · 04/11/2020 13:21

I’d be annoyed as well.

I would especially be annoyed, that she has insisted to your DH that she visits when he is not there!

MoonJelly · 04/11/2020 13:21

I don't understand your husband's position in all this. He knows you much better than his mother does, didn't it come as a surprise to him that his mother thought you were depressed when he presumably doesn't think that? And didn't he tell her that he didn't think you were depressed?

Original poster

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 13:22

I appreciate all the comments - maybe I am being the unreasonable one in this. Just to add, my daughter will be asleep when she comes over and DH out of the house so it will just be me and MIL, and she will not be helping with putting our daughter to bed or anything.
I do think it would be nice to get to know her, I just hate that it's framed in this way - that my DH arranged it like I am a child, and that MIL has assumed I'm depressed from a 30 minute conversation. Just to clear this up too, I am not depressed at all. I didn't say anything that implied that either in our conversation.

OP posts:

KatherineJaneway · 04/11/2020 13:23

I wonder how differently she sees the relationship with you to how you see it? I can't imagine why she'd invite herself round and think she was the person to cheer you up unless she just wants access to the baby / interfere with your parenting.

mygrandchildrenrock · 04/11/2020 13:23

Lostinacloud I'm another one who agrees with you! I cannot fathom why so many posters think it's so dreadful. I thought how very caring it was.

Anon9990 · 04/11/2020 13:23

I would have flipped my lid at this
So no YANBU...
there are ways to go around these things and the way she has done it is not on!

LightThatFire · 04/11/2020 13:23

MN MiL’s - damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

WhatWillSantaBring · 04/11/2020 13:24

I'm afraid I also think you're being AteenyBU. Expressing concern about your MH is something your MIL is entirely allowed to do, and right that she should share her concerns with your DH, because sometimes you need a third party to point out to you that your nearest and dearest isn't themselves.

However, if you feel that her popping in would make you stressed, use the very reasonable excuse that it would be against the law to do so (assuming the HoC votes on it tonight).

Original poster

milmentalhealth · 04/11/2020 13:27

@AhoyMeFarties This is exactly how I feel. I'd say differently if I came to her and said that I was struggling but this is her making assumptions on how I feel. DH did say that I was ok, but obviously I don't know the full conversation from his side. He did clarify that MIL said she would be coming over though, not asking when would be best.
I think the best call is ringing her tonight and explaining.

OP posts:

Iggii · 04/11/2020 13:27

Your mil is family, it doesn't matter if you don't have interests in common (though presumably you both like the same man and the same baby!) you can spend time talking about what she likes and then the same for you. A bit of give and take. We don't know if you are depressed or not, but someone who has seen you for a while and knows how you are usually thinks you need a bit of support. When I had PND I blanked the idea of it for a long time, I didn't want to notice iyswim.
Unless she is truly awful put a bit more effort into the relationship and you might benefit from it too.

keeprocking · 04/11/2020 13:28

@BluebellsGreenbells

I’d tell DH to tell his mother that it’s none of her business and you don’t want her there at weekends

It's unreasonable to tell your husband that his mother can't visit his home, if you don't want to see her then be out.

Vivi0 · 04/11/2020 13:32

This is awful.

It is one thing to ask someone if they need help/support, it is quite another to diagnose someone with depression and then tell them (via their husband) what is going to be happening.

I honestly think this is a bit scary. Your MIL decides you are depressed and posters are telling you that you are being unreasonable! I wonder how they would feel if their MIL decided to tell them that they had a mental health problem and concoct a plan, with their husband, on how it was going to be dealt with.

Nip this in the bud now. Does she also, further down the line, get to decide that you are an incompetent parent due to your depression?

PatriciaPerch · 04/11/2020 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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