To be so mad at MIL over this

[milmentalhealth]

It's another MIL one!
As a disclaimer I am pregnant so this may be hormones speaking which is why I would like some more opinions before I talk to DH about it or my MIL.
I have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2. We recently saw my MIL after a few weeks of not being able to see her which was lovely, my MIL was a little overbearing as usual but I put it down to her not seeing her granddaughter in weeks. I don't get on with my MIL at all, we have never had an argument but we just have no common interests so it never goes really past small talk but I am completely fine with this as I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me. She has also said some questionable things about my partner and our parenting. We don't speak on the phone at all or text one another, she has never remembered my birthday but she has a great relationship with my baby so I can't complain about her too much.
My DH and MIL went out for lunch while I was getting our daughter to sleep and when he got back he said that MIL had noticed that I seemed very depressed and that it looked like my mental health was suffering. I immediately questioned it and he basically said that MIL had mentioned that she was going to drop in on weekends now to see me and talk to me - I guess I wasn't going to get told of this as I had to ask DH what was happening in the first place. AIBU to be really annoyed by this? I am not bouncing off the walls but I don't think anyone is at the minute and I am really angry that she has taken it upon herself to deem my mental health poor and that she now has to make me feel better. I feel like if she had just asked me I would have said I'm fine, and I would have said when I am free she can come over. It's just really gotten on my nerves that she doesn't speak to me any other time yet when she's here she suddenly knows everything about me and now she is inviting herself over to my house on weekends to portray herself as my therapist.
Thanks for reading if you got this far!

PP mentioned the "I need to check with DW" - statement.

I found in early years MIL would often tell DH things were happening and he'd say nothing and sometimes things would go away and others we'd find oursleves locked into arrangements he'd never agreed to or he'd find things arranged and decide it wasn't affecting him enough to rock the boat about.

Where as I'd say no though usually counter offer.

Him learning to say he'd have to check with me - often said a few times - often gave us time to decide what was best for us rather than finding oursleves railroaded.

Op the one thing that jumps out at me is you didn't go for lunch with DH and MIL. Not wanting to go out could be a sign of depression.

You are pregnant and have a baby who's 9mths, mobile? Mobile babies are knackering, constant move, constant getting into stuff, no sense of danger.

I think I'd accept her offer and try to build your relationship with her. Even if the only thing you have in common is the DGC its something to talk about.

I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me

I find this such a bizarre thing to say part of social cohesion is being nice and civil to each other, even when we don't like each other, and especially when we're related by family ties. Would you really rather she was openly hostile towards you?!

Hard to say if MIL is unreasonable because we don't know what she's seen to make her think that you're struggling. Maybe you are or maybe she's out of line.

It's also possible to want to take care of someone you have nothing in common with. A sense of duty, perhaps.

I wonder how your MIL would feel if she heard back that you were making aspersions on her MH or thought dementia might be an issue, and then starter TELLING her what you would be doing in her home!

OP, make it crystal clear to your husband that NO-ONE tells you what will be happening in YOUR home with YOUR child.

Make it very clear to him that if he doesn't want a serious problem in his marriage to you, he will practice the phrase "I'll check with OP" before anything is agreed.

It really is basic courtesy in a marriage.

She is well practiced in making digs at you and your parenting.
The MH remarks were obviously of the same calibre.

Be very firm with her when you call.

@Bikingbear Truthfully I did want to go but our daughter refuses to nap unless it's in her cot - we tried it once before at a cafe and she just screamed, plus my DH hadn't had a proper catch up with MIL in weeks so thought it might be nice. I do understand how it looks though but I do get out lots.

@Sadhoot I just don't like the idea of someone sitting in my house desperate to leave because they can't stand me. My MIL isn't careful about it either, if she doesn't like what you are talking about she says "ok." or "that's nice." It's not like a regular conversation where you can bounce off of one another and it flows nicely. I obviously wouldn't like her to start swearing at me, but I just wish she wouldn't try to be so involved when it's obvious she doesn't care. An example of this is when I talk about something she cuts me off to talk to DD or she just picks her up and walks into the kitchen with her. I have tried so unbelievably hard to find a common interest that isn't DH or DD but I just can't find one and we don't agree on lots of parenting methods so it ends up a really stale conversation. Definitely don't want to spend my Saturday nights like it!

@Lostinacloud

Wow seems I’m so far alone in finding the reaction sad. What a sad place everyone is in at the moment.

I’m with you, @Lostinacloud

The number of posters on here telling OP she is depressed is absolutely disgusting. Trying to pick holes and catch her out in the things she is saying is very poor behaviour. Stop thinking you know the OP and her health and her relationship with her MIL better than she does.

I can't imagine being very welcoming to someone who is part of DHs life but not mine so much. And thats without them inviting themselves over for reasons they have invented out of whole cloth!

Your DH has to step up and sort this out. He has to tell her that she can't just invite herself over because she has decided something spurious. He has to tell her she is wrong about you and wrong to meddle. It would be good if he could ask her what she thought would happen - the two of you sat at opposite ends of the sofa not having anything to talk about! What did she really imagine would happen? Let her talk herself out of it!

He also has to talk to you honestly if he does have any worry that you may be isolated, sad etc.

And you have to do the same. Unplateable as it is!

But mostly... any help offered that is not joyously taken up is just not help! No matter what the relationship between the individuals!

"I would rather someone didn't pretend to like me"

I don't think that that's odd at all.

Op & her MIL can manage to be polite & civil to each other.

How would pretending things they don't feel be better than that?

@Lostinacloud

My mouth is literally hanging open after reading that!

A close family member who cares enough to consider your mental health and well-being during a pandemic with a young child, expecting another child soon, wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can and you only see a negative in that? That’s really quite sad.

This .... also

have a 9-month-old baby girl and am 5 months pregnant with number 2

No wonder she wants to help. Flipping heck.

OP, Sounds like she actually cares for you. You sound like you hate her though.

OP, Sounds like she actually cares for you. You sound like you hate her though. Which totally ignores, overrules everything OP has said about their relationship!

Talk about infantilising! That's as bad as her MILs actions!

...wants to come and see you more often to provide whatever support she can...

No she doesn't! She hasn't offered to do anything helpful at all!

She has stated that she is going to take up OP's free time, when the baby is asleep and OP could otherwise be relaxing, in order to make further uncomfortable small talk (since that's all they do together).

Plus, as a guest (any guest) is coming, OP will probably feel obliged to tidy the house before her visit, just because that's what most of us are conditioned to do.

Please, dear bleeding hearts, tell us how any of this is 'helpful'???

Even if MIL does care about Op, it still doesn't mean that she can decide that Op is depressed & that therefore she should visit every weekend!

Also nothing wrong with Op's husband visiting hs mum without Op!

YANBU.

Your MIL doesn’t like you and is rude to you yet thinks she can pop over using the excuse that YOUR mental health is struggling. She should just admit she just wants to visit your child more. I’d be annoyed too that someone who doesn’t even like me decides they are going to come to our home and help me and don’t have the decency to say something or even talk to me about it. She knows exactly what she is doing and purposely went to your husband. I highly doubt she would have even asked you anyway.

I also wouldn’t care that she my child’s grandmother if she is being disrespectful and rude to me. I wouldn’t want my children thinking that that is normal behaviour or should be accepted.

Pretty sure, most people would want help from people that actually like them and vice versa.

YANBU.

Your MIL is being overbearing. I'm glad your DH is speaking to his mother. I hate pop in visits, from people o get on well with. I would not entertain someone forcing their company on my under the veneer of concern. To be helpful, it would be something you want or need. I get on well with my ILs, I would not host a visit with them when my OH was not there.

Enjoy your Saturday night Run a nice bath and find something on Netflix to watch instead.

She should just admit she just wants to visit your child more.

If that's the case, saying that she's coming round after the child's bedtime seems counterintuitive.

Is she trying to insinuate that you are so unstable you shouldn’t be left alone? That she’ll keep an eye on you while your husband is at work in case you harm yourself or the baby?
Because if she’s worried you’re over whelmed why not offer to take the baby and give you a break rather than sit looking at you when she’s asleep.
It reads like a sneaky way to undermine you actually not as a kind gesture at all

Aren't mental health support reasons an allowed reason to be able to visit another person in their home?

Is she just trying to preemptively skirt the lockdown regulations?!

I think this PP has probably hit the nail on the head.

i think she made up the concern over your 'mental health' as a means to put you on the backfoot, plant doubts in your husbands mind and also insert herself into your life/kids lives on a more regular basis now that she's 'lonely'. ...........and she still doesn't give a shit for your thoughts or feelings.

don't let her play her games with you....sh'll be showing and teaching your dc how to 'treat' you with the way she behaves in front of them.

Oh and if you allow her in with this reasoning, goodness knows who she'll be repeating this story to!

Based on what you have said, your MIL doesn't care about you. She is checking on you to make sure she is satisfied that you can take care of her grandchild, that you are healthy when carrying her other GC and that your moods aren't upsetting her DS too much. If she was interested in you, you would know by now. I'd tell DH that you are not close to her so would never discuss personal matters with her so thanks but no thanks.

She can come over when he is there.
These Sons of controlling mothers tend to be the same.
They accept everything Mummy tells them to do, but also make sure they are nowhere to be seen when Mummy is around.
They want to please the controlling Mummy, but don't actually like being in her company. They happily fob off their controlling mother onto their wives, and get them to manage that relationship

This resonated with me an extreme amount. It’s all about keeping the peace in our house regarding MIL but since I’ve refused to be alone with her it’s got even more difficult. This statement blew my mind a little.

OP, does she think you maybe have a closer relationship than you do? Has your husband spoke to her since you replied earlier?

@justasking111

Jakers what an obtuse MIL. If she wanted to be useful she would be looking after nine month old while you put your feet up. She could take her for a walk in the pram for a start. I had my car fixed up with a baby seat when first grand child arrived so that we could help out. If she is not comfortable with that give her the go ahead to entertain baby while you have a nap upstairs.

Yes, except for the threads where the MiL is castigated for wanting to take the baby out on her own or look after it without the mother there the whole time, which goes along the 'what a weirdo' line. Honestly you can't win as a MiL on MN. You're either disinterested or intrusive or giving the wrong advice or not wanting to help. It's impossible to get right. And none of the people complaining ever have an adult conversation saying what would help them.

Year MILs can do no right on Mumsnet - basically, they’ve had their time and they now should yield, shield and give way to the younger generation (or provide on tap childcare) - delete as applicable

OP, in no uncertain terms tell your DH to to tell his mum she should back off. I wouldn't appreciate being diagnosed with poor mental health by a woman who doesn't bother with you generally.