To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

I think health and personality are the main issues with grandparents. Age is less relevant unless, of course, the new grandmother is in her late eighties.
People age so differently that you cannot generalise. My aunt became a grandmother for the first time at 75, and in the family we all thought it was a shame she’d had to wait so long and would never have much of a relationship with her grandchildren. In actual fact she was very close to them, and what she lacked in the energy to run around with them, she more than made up for in the interest she took in them and her great capacity for listening to them and encouraging them. She died at 96, having been an important part of their lives.
I think your biggest issue is the fact that you don’t live in the same country as your mother, and being an only child this brings huge feelings of guilt. I understand this, because my situation is identical. However, my DM has always been close to my children because of regular visits which sometimes lasted a couple of months at a time, during which she participated actively in their everyday lives, and created a close bond which they never had with my MIL who lived closer, saw them every month or so and took no interest in them whatsoever.

My grandma was 63 when I was born and she lived until I was in my thirties. She was physically disabled but very present in our lives. She looked after us every school holiday and I spoke to her on the phone every day when I was away at uni.

Your mum really isn’t old. My mum is almost 70 and MIL is over 75 and they have great relationships with dc.

My BIl had his first child 6 weeks before he turned 60!

You are over thinking it OP.

Whatever you do, do not take on guilt about things like this. You will eat yourself up and create misery for yourself.

I thought you were going to say she was in her late 70s or something. FIL is 62 next month, he only became a Grandad at 60 and he didn’t seem bothered by that at all. Think he’s just grateful he got the chance to be a Grandfather at all, SIL would never be in a position to have children and we kept having miscarriages before DS was born so I think he’d resigned himself to it never happening.

I dont think 60 is especially old to become a DGM TBH.My own DM was 64 when my DD was born ,still babysat and looked after her while I went to Appointments and so on .Really this is normal IMO.Which Country is she in? US and Europe relatively easy to get to .But even if she is in China or Australia ,still able to get there! Also Facetime and so on as well.Most families dont have an "ideal" Maybe DGM not in good health ,or still working maybe .Dont beat yourself up about it

My parents didn't become grandparents until 77. That was a shame as DF only knew DGC for 3 years and so won't be remembered by them.

At 61, that is fine and normal.

Would your DM consider moving nearer to you?

60 is not at all old to become a grandparent, give over
Lots of women today not having children until late 30s, early 40s, perhaps children of women who themselves became mothers later.
I think. you are projecting all sorts of other mixed feelings and possible (unneccessary) guilt onto the age thing

FWIW My mum had me at 31, I had my first at 34. She lived 150 miles away then and was caring for an unwell sort-of partner, but visited regularly. She is 82 now and moved to live close by 5 years ago. She does the school run for my youngest. She is very close to her grandchildren. She does not feel robbed.

And I'll be horrified if I am a grandparent before I'm 65 tbh.

My grandma was 67 when I was born. She died when I was 23 so we had lots of quality years together, for both of us.

61 is about average I would think. That's means both the grandmother and mother had a baby around 30, many mothers are older! My kids were unusual in that their grandparents worked, all their friends had retired grandparents

DC's grandad is in his 90s and wonderful at it! Age is no barrier.

My mum first became a grandma to my DD aged 57. She was still working then and we didn't live nearby but she was still very involved.

She has another 5 grandchildren from early teens to young primary now via me and my sibs.
she has just passed away aged 70. They all loved her and had a meaningful relationship with her.

She has been ill with cancer for half of my DDs life and all of the younger DCs but she loves children and she never let it stop her. She would chase them in her electric scooter and give them rides, pretend to shoot them with the walking stick, read, cuddle and do crafts with them in bed and she just always took an interest and got to know them all as people. She sent pocket money and thoughtful gifts. She would look up what topics they were doing at school so she could talk to them about it.

There's loads you can do to be an involved grandparent wherever you live and whatever your health. The main thing is wanting to do it.

Hello all, there are too many replies to reply to all individually but I wanted to say I really appreciate the input, especially the kind words. It's a relief to hear from people who became grandmothers or whose parents became grandparents in their 80s!
Even the harsher replies are very helpful and a great reality check. I can't really talk about this stuff with anyone so this is really helping.

Just to clarify something, I don't think 61 is "too old", I would be overjoyed to have a baby now but what I meant is if we get pregnant in the next 12 months (I suspect we are going to need to start IVF) + 9 months of pregnancy + plus the child will need to be a few years old before they start remembering all their outings with grandma = means my mom will be closer to 70 than 60.

That is still not to say 70 is old! I know that very well because my in laws are in their 70s and they are both super fit and active, my father in law still does triathlons and bikes across the country regularly. However my own mother has been in poor health for a while and hasn't exercised a day in her life. So I cant imagine her having the same energy or physical condition in her 70s as my in laws have. So I definitely didn't mean to offend anyone by implying 60s are old, they most certainly are not. This just applies to my specific case.

My mum was 64 when she became a grandmother. It never crossed my my mind to think about how old she was! I was 34.

61 is not old to become a granny You are only slightly older than she was she was when she had you. If she is niggling at you About this she is being selfish and insensitive.

My grandparents lived overseas too, not far away, only Ireland and we were in London but money was tight so we didn’t even see them every year. Once it took 3 years for my parents to save the ferry fare. This was in the sixties so our only communication was letters and cards. It didn’t affect our bond in the slightest. I loved that Granny more than anyone else in the world and I was never happier than the wonderful summers when we would stay there for 6 weeks whilst my parents went back to the U.K. My other grandparents lived In London and we saw them much more often but I didn’t feel about them the way I felt about my mums parents.

@NoMoreMrNiceGaius how old was your grandmother when you were born? It seems a fairly unremarkable age gap to me.

My great grandma was alive until I was 11 (I think she was in her 80s when she died) and I have lovely memories of her. Of playing with things in her old jewellery box and watching her black and white TV. I remember she always smelled of Oil of Ulay. She used to sew and knit little clothes for my dolls and brush my hair really gently.

Any relationship with someone who loves you is a precious thing no matter for how long.

Is there any chance of your Mum moving to your country? Also, is there any chance Mum could improve her health by exercising etc? If so, could you try and persuade her or recommend a sport she could take up to keep her mobile and fitter?

Gosh when I am 61 my youngest will only be 21 - I hope they don't feel they have to make me a grandmother within a certain timeframe even if I was in poor health by then.

@GreeboIsMySpiritAnimal

I'd be horrified to become a grandma any earlier than my 60s!

Why? I was 21 when my son was born. It would have been fabulous to be a granny before I was 50. One of my friends is 66 and her great granddaughter is four.

I would think this is quite a typical age to become a grandparent (though obviously the fact you live in different countries makes it a little different).

My grandparents were in their mid 60s when I was born and my earliest memories of them were when they were already well into their 70s. My Grandma also had health problems and wasn’t very mobile so they weren’t the sort of grandparents who could run around the garden with us. My abiding memory of my Grandma is of a very elderly, white-haired lady sitting in her armchair in her kitchen. She was a great conversationalist and we always had lots to talk about while she directed us around the kitchen preparing the roast dinner. She was one of the biggest influences in my young life. I adored her and remember fondly how clever and kind she was.

My own mother first became a grandmother at 48 (not my child) and was frankly useless. She has never even met my children.

DHs mum became a grandmother at 65 when I had my first at 35. I've since had two more and am now 40. She is a fabulous, involved grandmother, really active and fun even though she's 70. My kids love her.

Age is no indication of anything.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her?

Yes, unreasonable and ridiculous.

My mother became a grandparent at 63 and I've moved away to a different country so she doesnt see her grandchild very often, a few times a year. Whereas my husbands parents see our son all the time (they live local to us) but my mum still has an amazing relationship with my son (he's only two) but he knows who they are. We speak on video chat all the time and we do a big visit 3-4 weeks back home every year so they can continue to have that relationship. Its all about how you help develop the relationship. We talk about all grandparents loads so he knows who they are - family is very important to us!

As most of us potential grandparents are going to have to work until we are 66 I think that we will have enough energy for our grandparenting role. I have my fondest memories of my grandmothers (both then 80+) when I was in my teens. I stayed with both of them when preparing for my o and A levels to get a quiet space for revision, I found them to be a calming influence, kind and understanding. Grandparenting isn't just about tiny children.

Please don’t beat yourself up about this, you’re at a similar age to your own mum when she had you, so you’ve hardly left it late. IMO I think around 30 (like you are now) is a perfect age to have children.

My daughters are just into or approaching theirs 30’s but had their children much younger. I’m in my late 50’s and my youngest granddaughter is 4, I’m sure she already has lots of memories of me as it’s my pleasure to take her to Warwick castle for a weekend to be a princess and that kind of adventure.

I hope that by the time you have your own baby, you’ll be able travel freely and make lots of amazing memories with your own children and your mum. But please don’t regret waiting until you was at the right place and time to become a mum.

Make the best of what you have, don’t waste your time regretting what you can’t change.