To feel sad my mother is going to be a grandmother so late?

[NoMoreMrNiceGaius]

Hello all, we have been actively trying for a baby for around 2 years but had to wait for 3-4 years before then for health reasons. Currently on 3rd IUI with hormones and feeling very down and fed up lately.

I have mostly come to terms with my own disappointment but lately I've been worrying about my mother. I'm 33 and she is almost 61. She lives in another country and because of Covid I haven't seen her in a year. Normally I see her at least twice a year.

She is my best friend and growing up I always imagined her constantly being there when I had a child/children. She was a teacher and loves kids and is really great with them. I always knew if I had children they were going to adore their grandma.

Now the reality is looking more like they are hardly going to get to know her, and by the time they are old enough to remember their memories, she is going to be close to 70, and she will definitely not be one of the energetic/fit 70 year olds.

I don't have siblings and she has no other grandchildren or other children in the family. She actually has very little family left at all where she lives.

AIBU to feel like I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her? To feel so sad and guilty that she will miss so many big moments, when their other grandparents will see them all the time? (And they already have 5 grandchildren) I deeply regret moving to another country and not thinking about how it would be for her when she gets older.

I'd love to hear any experiences, positive or negative, of people who had grandchildren after 65, or who live in another country and dont get to see them often.

What do you find easy or especially hard? Do you ever resent your children for you not being able to be more involved or not being a grandparent when you were younger? Would you ever tell your daughter/son if you did?

As a child with older distant grandparents it was just my experience, I didnt know different so that was how it was.

Our own DCs had a very different 'grandparent experience' from those of DH's older brother. The nephew & niece had the experience of young, active GPs. Our DCs had the experience of older, more frail GPs. Again, that was simply their experience.

In fact when GPs got more frail and unwell I think it was less of a shock for our DCs than it was DBiL's DCs (and DBiL for that matter).

What a bizarre post. 61 is nothing!

Your feelings are very similar to my dh who's beloved dad died almost a year ago, aged 62. He waited ages to have grandkids, bil was 34, my dh 35 when we had kids (old by asian standards, though things are changing). He didn't have very long with them and my son was 2 when he died, oldest grandchild was 5. They all have memories of him and we talk about dad often. He wasn't very hands on with my son but was with my dd ( his only granddaughter) when she was born. Your mum can still have a close relationship with this grandchild, maybe not as hands on as younger grandparents but that depends on her health and personality.

I think the bigger issue is living in different countries, my parents speak to my kids and watsapp call most days but my kids are 3 and 4 and not always engaged. It is hard for my parents as they miss them a lot.

It is OK to be sad but you can do a lot to ensure they have a positive relationship.

62 is not old??

That doesn't read very well - I meant 62 is not old. even if it takes you five years your mum will still not be an old grandmother.

My gran was nearly 70 when I was born and I have loads of great memories of her. I wouldn't say she was particularly physically fit but we used to play board games and card games together, do baking and stuff. She lived well into her late 90s so I wasn't young when she died either!

She lived a couple of hours drive away when I was young so we only saw her a few times a year initially, she moved closer while I was older.

She had older grandchildren but still worked while they were young so overall spent just as time with my sister and I.

I have stolen her best years of being a grandmother from her

I am 61 with 3 DDs in their late 20s/early 30s and there are no grandchildren yet. I would never want them to feel this.

Your DM is a perfect age to be DGM.

I don't think it's particularly late tbh. My MIL was 65 and FIL was 68 when they first became grandparents and they never get tired looking after DS who is really hyperactive. I was 32 when I had DS and tbh, parents on both sides knew that they would be older grandparents as they also had their children quite late and their children went to uni and did masters and were focussed on their careers before wanting children. So I would say don't worry, things will work out and don't stress yourself over it as stress isn't good.

Why are you taking on guilt about not making her a grandmother yet. It’s not up to any woman have a baby to provide grandchildren. I hope no one is making you feel this way, it’s a very unfair thought process. Be kind to yourself.

My youngest was born after my father died, and of course it is heartbreaking that all his knowledge and really unique perspective will never be part of my children's lives. But he was quite old when we were born, and he chose to smoke all his life. I didn't know his parents at all, as they died early and we lived in Australia. I did know my mother's parents very well, we used to come and stay with them for 3 weeks a year. They taught me how to cook, embroider, sew, write Greek letters, and my grandfather did all my Latin A level revision with me. They probably knew us better than their other grandchildren who they'd see for a few hours at a time. They were also in their 60s when I was born, but they lived until they were in their 90s.

My DPs were both 83 when they became grandparents.

Ok so maybe at 61 she may not win a Butlins glamorously granny title, but ok for everything else!

We had no grandparents under the age of 60 in our families, so anyone becoming a grandparent younger than that seems very young to me!

I promise you a grandchild will keep your mom young

@momonpurpose I know you mean well but you can’t make promises like that. Sadly people age and get ill and the presence of a cute toddler has absolutely no effect on this whatsoever. You may as well say “I promise you that having a grandchild will stop your parents getting cancer. Didn’t work for my Mum.

I’m 56 with no grandchildren yet
I will not be able to retire until possibly 67 or 68 and work full time long hours stressful job
Much as I would love to be a hands on Gran it’s not likely

That’s not old to be come a grandma! In fact I would say it’s fairly young these days. Most of the grandparents at school pick up are well into their seventies.

I really can’t see any point in you dissecting this and upsetting yourself. You can’t do anything about it, in the same way I can’t do anything about my kids Grandma being an abusive drunk.

I'm surprised you think both you and your mum are 'old' to be having you first grandchild/grandchild. How have you come to that conclusion?

Easy for me to say i know, but you need to shelve this concern. It is not a concern. making you mother a grandmother is not your goal in life. Having your baby is your goal at the moment.

@NoMoreMrNiceGaius

I adopted my son when he was 8 years old, my parents were 69. We don’t live local to each other so mainly see each other in school holidays.
My son has a lovely relationship with them, particularly his nanny. We have a weekly call - same time every week where they would chat, my son would always sing them a song.
With lockdown, they have tackled technology so its now a weekly zoom call which works well. Your mum could read stories to them, play games as they get older - there’s a lot they could do. No its not the same but its a good way of developing the relationship.

My mum has also always sent my son postcards, little notes, small gifts like some sweets - even though he is now 16, he still loves it when he spots nanny’s handwriting on an envelope.

It’s something that H and I are very sad about. But for us we’d have been very happy with parents in their early 60s!

Mil died in her mid 70s when ds1 was 3 and ds2 was 1 and dd not born (she had H -an only child - at 39). Fil died last month at 81 and the kids were 7,5 and 3. My dad is coming up 76 and my mum 72.

I had my kids at 35, 37 and 39. If they have kids at the same age I did I’ll be 70, 74 and 78 when their kids are born. Both H and I are only children so we’ve/they’ve got no one else but each other.

As I said we are sad. But it is what it is. :(

That's a perfectly normal age to become a grandparent isn't it? My mum first became a gp at 64 and she didn't think it was old at all
I suppose it depends where you live. Its on the older side were I live.

I meant to say as well that my Mum only retired at 68 and lived and worked in London till then. So my kids have a lot more time with her than they would have done if I’d had them earlier. It would have been 1 weekend per month at most I expect. Whereas now (when not in lockdown) they see my parents 2-3 times per week. Mum picks them up from school 2 days and they have sleepovers. So it’s definitely been more quality time now my parents are older and less busy with other stuff.

My grandpa took me to a Theme park when I was about 10, he must have been at least 80. Not an energetic running around kind of gentlemen. One of my happiest childhood memories.