To think this isn't stingy?

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

Dp has just got home from work and complained at the "stingy" portions left for him. This consists of 5 (good quality) sausages, carrots, peas, broccoli and a large bowl of mash (3 generous portions). Aibu to think this is not stingy at all?

Fwiw he has already eaten breakfast, a pack up and a bacon and egg sandwich from a food van ( I only know this as h3 messaged me). And I know someone is going to ask if I underfeed him (it isn't my job to feed him) but he is 5ft 9 and at least 20 stone.

Weenurse Actually that is a good idea, may be the one thing to shock him.

He wants to change he just can't seem to. He hates his weight. Looking at photos when he was a child he was obese then. Then it got under control in adulthood but now it's like he's back to square one.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

If only one child is his, it would only be that child that would have contact? Also it might not be 50/50. And it's false logic to stay in an unhappy relationship because of contact time. The oldest is mine so would obvs stay with me. The middle is his so would obvs stat with him. The youngest is ours and due to our work 50/50 would be the only way. Plus, sorry to disappoint you but I am not in an unhappy relationship. This is the one issue we have.

Your not disappointing me- it's your life. But you are minimising this hugely. It might be the only issue, but it's a huge one.

You clearly don't want to leave him though, it's the kids I feel for. They have no choice on this. This will give them long lasting issues.

And with regard to your other comment about contact, actually I consider that not feeding your child abuse. Of course she adores her dad, she's young. Doesn't mean that it's the best for her though.

I wish you well but you are making a huge mistake by not dealing with this. You aren't acting in the best interests of your children.

If he's coming home to what sounds like a decent sized meal and he doesn't think it's enough, is it beyond him to make some toast?

And you could remind him that you are busy and that in future since he's worried about your portions he can feed himself and while he's there he can cook for the rest of you?

His weight and his portions are his business, but as long as you're leaving that amount of food i couldn't get excited about him saying it's stingy.

If I were OP, I wouldn't have even married the guy. I certainly would have left long ago, but I'm not calling her any names for staying there and keeping kids living with that.
I highly doubt slim person with "an addiction" who refuses to get help would be defended so much so as to move fault onto the other person...

Anyway. I am bowing out as I don't think I have any better ideas than what I already gave and I am just getting into a ridiculous argument here.

Good luck OP!

NeilBuchananisBanksy erm I do feed my kids thank you. Don't accuse people of child abuse when there is no abuse. As I said there are plenty of healthy snacks available which he doesn't touch. My children are never hungry. They get fed first. They are happy and healthy and thriving.

SchrodingersImmigrant Thank you for being so kind and helpful....and not accusing me of child abuse 😂

@WaterOffADucksCrack

NeilBuchananisBanksy erm I do feed my kids thank you. Don't accuse people of child abuse when there is no abuse. As I said there are plenty of healthy snacks available which he doesn't touch. My children are never hungry. They get fed first. They are happy and healthy and thriving.

This doesn't quite tally what what you have said upthread.

I'm not accusing you of abuse, but they are growing up in a hugely dysfunctional household where you have to hide food and money so that they can eat, while you go without, and while witnessing the huge quantities of food your partner is consuming.

I stand by what I said, it's an abusive household and will leave you kids with major issues.

But you aren't ready to accept that yet.

NeilBuchananisBanksy He eats all the unhealthy snacks. Not the healthy ones. I feel sorry for any children in your life.

He's greedy. That's why he's so overweight. Quite obvious. Hes extremely unhealthy too eating so much fat and grease.

DH and I both struggle with binge eating. I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder in 2010 and I have gone to therapy for it twice, which hasn't helped. If I told you some of the behaviours I've exhibited around food you'd be shocked and I have been like a drug addict desperate for a fix at times.

Wanting 13 sausages is not normal however you slice it and it sounds like there is a much deeper issue at play than just being greedy.

Perhaps the solution is to only buy and cook healthy food...

Dish him up a suitably calorific portion of healthy and he has to use his own money to go out and buy unhealthy crap.

You can use the line "I'm not contributing to you killing yourself and leaving the DC fatherless"

🤷🏽‍♀️

You said he has been brilliant and supportive through your illness put his attitude and what he said to you over this meal was far from that tbh.

I would be giving him 5 sausages, 2 scoops of mash (use an ice cream scoop to portion) and as much veg as he could eat. His plate will still look just as full but less carbs. If he can't regulate his own weight I think I would try to add more vegetables and less potatoes. If the plate is full looking he might not even notice. I would not be buying crisps and chocolate snacks instead plenty of fruit and a few nuts. He eats snacks because they are there. If you stopped buying them what would he do?

I have just read your update. 13 sausages just got him. He has got serious good problems. It sounds like his Mum gave him food to show him her love and he wants you to do the same. He needs counseling and therapy to learn to recognise what a normal good portion is. Do you ever go out for s meal? What does he do when he gets a normal sized serving? You sadly need to buy a lockable box so you and your children don't go hungry. I would stop buying him good quality sausages and buy him cheap savers ones. Apart from anything else he is being such s bad role model for your DC. If he went to GP with sleep apnoea he would spend night in sleep clinic and then be given CPAT machine do he gets air blown through to his lungs every.night. Do you have the same GP if do it is worth ypu going and explaining your problems with DH good addiction his sleep apnoea and the effect it is having on your life and DC life. Maybe GP would send him an appointment to go in.

I see what everyone is saying about changing what meals I make and controlling how much but 1 it is rare to have meals like sausage and mash, I cook very healthy food with having the children and 2 it just sounds too much like mothering him which is so unattractive on both parts in my opinion.

caringcarer Just to clarify, I'd never let my children go hungry. We have meals and the healthy snacks. It's the unhealthy ones which get hoovered up. We don't eat many crisps/chocolates/sweets etc so we'll maybe have one or two things then we we go back a week or 2 later he will have eaten them all and say something like "I thought you didn't want them, no one leaves chocolate for that long if they want it".

caringcarer Sorry I forgot to add, he will not go to the doctors at all. He point blank refuses. He won't even go for his asthma check ups.

I'd buy unhealthy snacks when you intend to eat them as a once a week treat, share them out on shopping day then they are gone not kept in the house.

It just sounds so miserable. How does he borrow money if you only provide food for a normal adult man? That would be total get the fuck out territory here, borrowing money for pure greed / ok maybe it’s an eating disorder but he refuses to even consider that.
5 sausages!! My Dh is a fairly typical healthy active six foot man and wouldn’t dream of doing that. Back when he was 20 and had been drinking maybe. And if I needed a special diet and he ate it there would be hell to pay.
I don’t know what to suggest op as you sound very unwilling to do anything. I’d serve mine normal meals, lose my shit if he had a go at me, lock everything else up, lose my shit at him because I had to do that and say if you have an eating disorder and tried ot fix. I’d support you but I can’t fix it for you so don’t you dare get mad at me, and if you want to borrow money for more food instead of seeing a gp and counsellor pack a bag while you’re at it.
I couldn’t live with what you’re describing.

Why do you cook such huge amounts? Why do you buy so much food? I’m not saying it’s not his fault, but if you are regularly cooking and serving him 5 sausages with three portions of potatoes then it’s no wonder you don’t have enough for your bread and he’s 20 stone. Part of the responsibility lies with you. I’m sure he wouldn’t eat so much of there wasn’t that much on the plate. He doesn’t sound like the type that would cook his own food if he wanted more. He just eats more because you cook more.

DS is 18 and 6’4/14st.
He eats for example
Porridge or poached egg on toast
Banana
Chicken salad wrap, protein yogurt
50g mixed nuts
Salmon, sweet potato and veg or chicken sausages (4 as thinner than pork ones) with brown pasta and tomato sauce/broccoli etc
Perhaps 2 treats a week like latte and cake or one take away meal/eat out.

To stay this weight he also works out 5 times a week.

Your DH is the only one who can take responsibility here. I would have a secret treat box for you and the children to help budget if he can’t display control.

Wow what a thread. You know there is a problem OP, ignore the vipers.

When we have sausage n mash dh has 3, me and DDs (13+8) have 2 and the spare one gets given to dog as a treat. Plenty mash and veg. DH will occasionally have bread n butter too if he skipped lunch. That is what I would consider normal.

From what you have said, he is gaslighting you, you do know what normal portions are, this is deliberate to make you question yourself.

At 20stone and asthmatic he is running himself to an early grave or will end up with health complications. Does this not worry him??

I find it really sad that you have to hide your specialised foods because he is greedy.

OP you are not being stingy, your DH clearly has a large appetite, I too would not be happy using two packs of eight sausages for one meal for three people, especially when on a budget. I don't have any answers really but you may have to be inventive about padding out the meal for example you could make him a Toad in the Hole the next time you have sausages or throw on some onion rings or roast parsnips. I'm sorry you are being accused of being enabling, it sounds to me that he has grown up with large portions and nothing you do will make a difference until HE realises that he needs to get a grip on his health.

I don’t know what to suggest op as you sound very unwilling to do anything I'm not unwilling I just can't physically drag him to the doctors. I make healthy food, have plenty of healthy snacks etc. I can't stop him buying what he chooses to buy.

Why do you cook such huge amounts? Why do you buy so much food? I don't think 8 sausages is a huge amount at all to share between 4 people (I didn't know stepson wouldn't be home). I’m not saying it’s not his fault 😂 but if you are regularly cooking and serving him 5 sausages with three portions of potatoes then it’s no wonder you don’t have enough for your bread and he’s 20 stone I didn't serve him that at all. He came home around 20.45, we'd already eaten. If I was serving I would have given him 3 and saved 2 for the next day. I'd never serve him 3 portions of mash either as I'm not a fucking idiot. I would have served one and saved two because I love mash and would have had a portion the following day.

combatbarbie Thank you. I know it worries him but it's like he can't stop :(

FamBae Thank you, it's very difficult as I worry about him so much.