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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this isn't stingy?

309 replies

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/11/2020 21:17

Dp has just got home from work and complained at the "stingy" portions left for him. This consists of 5 (good quality) sausages, carrots, peas, broccoli and a large bowl of mash (3 generous portions). Aibu to think this is not stingy at all?

Fwiw he has already eaten breakfast, a pack up and a bacon and egg sandwich from a food van ( I only know this as h3 messaged me). And I know someone is going to ask if I underfeed him (it isn't my job to feed him) but he is 5ft 9 and at least 20 stone.

OP posts:
combatbarbie · 05/11/2020 15:39

I wouldn't waste energy on someone who is unwilling to help themselves. I know that sounds really harsh but he has a really bad connection with food. He is the only person that can do anything. Until he confronts it, this cycle will continue.

Out of interest, because I remember a similar thread, how is the sexual side of the relationship. The other thread was about a similar DH (may have even be you) and the OP couldn't bare to be intimate with him due to the weight issue.

Ineedaduvetday · 05/11/2020 15:45

I didn't serve him that at all. He came home around 20.45, we'd already eaten. If I was serving I would have given him 3 and saved 2 for the next day. I'd never serve him 3 portions of mash either as I'm not a fucking idiot. I would have served one and saved two because I love mash and would have had a portion the following day.

It sounded like what you had outlined in your OP is what you had plated up and left him, maybe explains some of the replies.

You cannot make him change, all you can do is try and make him see some sense. I like the idea of the funeral planning conversation, hard but might get the point across about the outcome of his excessive eating if he doesn't stop.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 05/11/2020 16:16

@BritWifeinUSA

Why do you cook such huge amounts? Why do you buy so much food? I’m not saying it’s not his fault, but if you are regularly cooking and serving him 5 sausages with three portions of potatoes then it’s no wonder you don’t have enough for your bread and he’s 20 stone. Part of the responsibility lies with you. I’m sure he wouldn’t eat so much of there wasn’t that much on the plate. He doesn’t sound like the type that would cook his own food if he wanted more. He just eats more because you cook more.
When there wasn't enough on his plate he called the OP stingy. When he doesn't have enough treats he eats her gluten free snacks. He knew DS needed a sausage for his lunch the next day and still ate them all. Luckily OP had hidden one away already. When he doesn't have enough food/treats he buys them himself. When he doesn't have enough money he borrows money from family and still buys them. She has to hide food FFS!!

How exactly is it her fault or responsibility?

The lengths some people will go to to find some blame with the woman are astonishing.

HowManyToes · 05/11/2020 16:18

he will eat all my gluten free snacks then eat his so I have nothing. If I receive chocolates and don't eat them that day he'll assume I don't want them and eat them all

I'd find it very hard to stay with someone who had such an obvious lack of respect for me

EmeraldShamrock · 05/11/2020 16:19

Yanbu it is more than enough I'd have 2 nights dinner from that.
I hear you with concern but if you say anything it is offensive.
My DP is the same over 18 stone I'd say 19 he eats massive portions at least 4 times the amount I'd eat.
I tried talking to him a few weeks back he is 10 stone heavier than me. He listened he was hurt but then he forgot the conversation. Hmm

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 05/11/2020 16:21

@WaterOffADucksCrack

I don’t know what to suggest op as you sound very unwilling to do anything I'm not unwilling I just can't physically drag him to the doctors. I make healthy food, have plenty of healthy snacks etc. I can't stop him buying what he chooses to buy.
A PP made a good point about how he views food,the person who feeds him,the emotional element.

If he won't see a doctor about his weight ,will he consider a therapist? Could you afford one privately? It sounds like it would be need anyways due to his emotions and feelings around food. Plus, they won't tell him to lose weight.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/11/2020 16:23

I'd find it very hard to stay with someone who had such an obvious lack of respect for me
It is an addiction fix comes first for all addicts. Eaters anonymous is the way not diets.

EKGEMS · 05/11/2020 16:57

@BritWifeinUSA So now you've gotten a response what are you going to criticize the OP for now? Not dragging hubby out for a jog or to the doctor?

Original poster
WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 17:16

combatbarbie I know, that's what makes it so hard isn't it. I've had a drug addiction before and nothing could have helped me. The sexual side has always been good, most days to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 17:18

If he won't see a doctor about his weight ,will he consider a therapist? Could you afford one privately? It sounds like it would be need anyways due to his emotions and feelings around food. Plus, they won't tell him to lose weight. I can suggest it to him. We can't afford one privately though unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 17:19

The lengths some people will go to to find some blame with the woman are astonishing. I know!!

OP posts:
Original poster
WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 17:22

EmeraldShamrock It's so tough isn't it.

HowManyToes i don't feel it's a lack of respect. I think it runs much deeper than that.

BritWifeinUSA So now you've gotten a response what are you going to criticize the OP for now? Not dragging hubby out for a jog or to the doctor? Probably 😂😂😂

OP posts:
ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 05/11/2020 17:38

@WaterOffADucksCrack

If he won't see a doctor about his weight ,will he consider a therapist? Could you afford one privately? It sounds like it would be need anyways due to his emotions and feelings around food. Plus, they won't tell him to lose weight. I can suggest it to him. We can't afford one privately though unfortunately.
Give it a go. Might take a while on the NHS , but it would be such a massive step in the right direction. Just by accepting he has a problem and seeking some kind of help for it.
bemusedmoose · 05/11/2020 17:51

that's a massive tea!! Especially as he has had breaky and 2 lunches! (or was that 2 breakies?) my teen son wouldnt even have that much if he skipped lunch and he eats like a horse!

20st for 5'9 is huge so unless he is a body builder he is massively over eating.

BritWifeinUSA · 05/11/2020 17:53

@WaterOffADucksCrack in the op the very first thing you said was “complained about the stingy portions left for him”. Now that some answers haven’t gone the way you hoped they would, you’re saying that you cooked extra for you eat the next day and this wasn’t all for him. So which is it? Get your story straight, please.

RandomMess · 05/11/2020 17:55

I wonder if he would do some on line eating disorder support groups?

If he doesn't want to address there is little you can do and it's not a deal breaker for you.

I would seriously consider some additional life insurance for him even if it's a funeral plan or several no questions asked cheap only pay out £5k policies.

Morbidly obese, severe asthma Sad

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble · 05/11/2020 17:59

[quote BritWifeinUSA]**@WaterOffADucksCrack* in the op the very first thing you said was “complained about the stingy portions left for him*”. Now that some answers haven’t gone the way you hoped they would, you’re saying that you cooked extra for you eat the next day and this wasn’t all for him. So which is it? Get your story straight, please.[/quote]
He complained because there wasn't enough food left for him to eat to his satisfaction. That doesn't mean that OP left it specifically for him,or plated it up, or planned for him to eat it all.

A for effort, D for comprehension.

winniestone37 · 05/11/2020 18:15

No not stingy.

Roussillon849 · 05/11/2020 18:15

OP, I have nothing to contribute but just wanted to commend you for having the patience of a fucking saint with some of the comments you've been getting.

EmpressoftheMundane · 05/11/2020 18:16

My husband is 6’1.5”, very active, but over 50. He is about 89 kilos.

He eats four sausages a huge helping of potatoes and a third of a can of baked beans when we are having sausages for dinner. I make peas too, but he thinks Heinz baked beans are a real treat.

I think your DH is over eating, but it’s a sensitive subject. Trying to restrict ones other half’s food never goes well. You can support him if he wants to try to cut back, but if it’s driven by you, it’s just insulting.

Ddot · 05/11/2020 18:27

Three sausages are more than enough for anyone he is too heavy anyway. Give him less meat less mash and a field of veg if he still means show him the cooker.

MummyMayo1988 · 05/11/2020 18:59

Sounds like he definitely has some issues with food/portion sizes.
My husband couldn't eat all that and he loves food (as do I 🙈)
I definitely would not stand for him eating my snacks or chocolate tho. I love chocolate and my husband but he KNOWS not to touch my chocolate. Can you not hide your special snacks/treats? That is very unfair of him.

Spinningdot · 05/11/2020 19:09

BritWifeinUSA said:
He just eats more because you cook more.

That is bloody nonsense. It sounds like he has very little control over his appetite but that is not your responsibility OP!

You think it was enough food for 3 people, he thinks it was a stingy portion.
The leftovers you describe sounds like a lot of food.

You have said that you have had an eating disorder. It also sounds like your husband has a pattern of disordered eating.
Your husband has a very high BMI. Whilst you can of course have a BMI outside the 'normal' range, and it doesn't give a picture of health or lifestyle, it is still a useful parameter when looking at weight & associated health problems.
His BMI pushes him into the very severely obese category.
But you know just how overweight he is; you can see it, you've talked to him about it.
But you also know that you can’t change things. I know it’s already been said but he needs to take responsibility for himself and he needs to take action to lose weight or he’ll become very ill indeed. And eventually his weight WILL start to affect his sexual function, since that was brought up.

Spinningdot · 05/11/2020 19:10

you can of course have a BMI outside the 'normal' range and be very healthy*

Jeeperscreepers69 · 05/11/2020 19:11

5 sausages in one meal... Wow. Fattening and not filling. Chicken?