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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this isn't stingy?

309 replies

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/11/2020 21:17

Dp has just got home from work and complained at the "stingy" portions left for him. This consists of 5 (good quality) sausages, carrots, peas, broccoli and a large bowl of mash (3 generous portions). Aibu to think this is not stingy at all?

Fwiw he has already eaten breakfast, a pack up and a bacon and egg sandwich from a food van ( I only know this as h3 messaged me). And I know someone is going to ask if I underfeed him (it isn't my job to feed him) but he is 5ft 9 and at least 20 stone.

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PurpleMustang · 05/11/2020 19:12

Wow, you have had a lot of stick on here! I just wanted to say that as you mentioned you are fine for how much the kids eat but unsure for adults, that something like My Fitness Pal could help. I would suggest to do it for yourself for a start to get the hang of it. Then switch the info to his details and go from there. And for what its worth we all eat 3 sausages here max

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/11/2020 19:13

@WaterOffADucksCrack just popped back in to ask. Do you have large mirrors?
It was just few days ago I realised that my mirrors "dissapeared" as fast as my weight appeared... Large mirrors, full length. I plan on getting giant one in a hallway and another in a bedroom because when I look down at myself, I see size 14... But in mirror, my brain can't play it's games and I see the real size...

grannieali · 05/11/2020 19:52

I wodered what weight your husband is until you told us. This man is eating himself to an early grave. Unless his work requires strenuous daily physical effort. In the teeth of his abuse, tell him this. What size was he when you first met him?

FortniteBoysMum · 05/11/2020 20:04

That would easily feed me and my almost 14 year old bottomless pit of a son if he had eaten that much in a day already.

masterchef98 · 05/11/2020 20:04

I'm going to assume there was also gravy. In which case I would say that sounds like 2 fair portions and I'm not someone who picks at meals.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 20:10

BritWifeinUSA "left for him" doesn't mean plated up ffs, get yourself straight 😂😂😂

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masterchef98 · 05/11/2020 20:11

I dont have any advice but having read further it sounds like you are really on top of portion size for your kids and dont let your husband make you doubt yourself with that.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 20:15

wonder if he would do some on line eating disorder support groups? That may be a good option as he would be completely anonymous, great suggestion thank you!

Roussillon849 Thank you!

Trying to restrict ones other half’s food never goes well I agree which is why I've never done it or suggested doing it.....

MummyMayo1988 I've started keeping them at work!

Spinningdot Thank you, I'll keep sensitively trying to encourage him.

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WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 20:21

PurpleMustang Great idea thank you. I used to use it after each pregnancy.

SchrodingersImmigrant it's funny you should mention mirrors! I have a few mirrors for different rooms and when we moved in he kept trying to get me to put them in the garage as he said we didn't need them! He put a few in the garage himself!

grannieali He was average size but obese as a child.

masterchef98 there's always gravy with sausage and mash! And thank you for your comment about portion size. I posted aaaages ago saying he'd eaten a whole curry containing 4 or 5 chicken breasts and a packet of microwave rice as I was pissed off (I'd cooked it in advance for the following day) and got flamed and told I clearly wasn't feeding him enough and that it wasn't very much food!

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SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/11/2020 20:23

SchrodingersImmigrant it's funny you should mention mirrors! I have a few mirrors for different rooms and when we moved in he kept trying to get me to put them in the garage as he said we didn't need them! He put a few in the garage himself!

Time to being them back. says with it behind the door in a spare room...

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 20:28

SchrodingersImmigrant I will put them back in if you will!

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SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/11/2020 20:34

We are making a surround for it, so you would wait a while😂
I am now losing (5 stone nearly) so mine can wait. Yours is more urgent😁 Good luck with it!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 20:36

That's brilliant well done you!

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SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/11/2020 20:49

Thank youBlush

justilou1 · 05/11/2020 20:57

He sounds a lot like my FIL. I would say my FIL is a sweet man who is a terrible communicator who eats his feelings instead of dealing with them. Of course he is 75 and dealing with the health complications of a much older man at the moment. (Stage 4 bowel cancer, congestive heart failure, diabetes, kidney failure, osteoporosis, etc.... all either linked to his lifelong food addictions & obesity or the medications associated with management of his conditions.)

Speaking of eating his feelings, your husband is excessively greedy. Is it possible that he hasn’t dealt with his own emotional response to your rape? Men don’t realize that they are entitled to have feelings about these things too - he may have been wonderful as a support to you, and that may also have been his coping mechanism, but it may have also helped him push away his own reactions to what happened to you. I’m sorry you went through that. It’s indescribably awful. I’m also trying to convey that your husband may have problems related to this without making what happened to you all about him. (It happened to me too, so I am rather sensitive to this.) Regardless, I genuinely think your DH has some kind of eating disorder - if not, he somehow seems to feel either very entitled or in total denial about the financial, physical and health costs. Also, it must be like living with a pelican or a seagull!

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 21:06

justilou1 we weren't together when I was raped. I was raped repeatedly during childhood but also as a young adult by an ex boyfriend over the course of 18 months or so. He was obese as a child so I feel it's more to do with that.
If it's my fault for being raped I don't think I could cope with that but I'll try and find out.

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justilou1 · 05/11/2020 21:20

Sorry @WaterOffADucksCrack- I misunderstood. I really, really wasn’t trying to blame!!! As I said, It happened to me too. I have battled the eating disorder monster on and off through various times in my life as a result of my rape (and bloody awful family) and this is why I was relating his eating habits and unwillingness to see a doctor, etc. I’m sorry you thought I was blaming you. That is not at all where I was going. I actually think you’re at your wit’s end trying to support someone who has a very unhealthy problem and isn’t helping themself, and you’re reaching out trying find ideas - like any loving, concerned partner would.

Cloglover · 05/11/2020 21:23

I'm finding this thread quite troubling. I actually remember the chicken curry thread and it was very similar to this where posters were trying to point out how messed up your partners behaviour was and after your initial posts of how awful his behaviour was. You ended up just defending him.

His behaviour is very messed up and it will no doubt impact on the kids. With your own history of eating disorder and drug addiction you may not be able see it until its too late, but it will.

It's not about the food. I feel terribly sorry for anyone with disordered eating but this is more than that. This is complete selfishness. He is willing to take food from other people, including his children. He does not care that his behaviour is impacting on others. And he does nothing to minimise the impact ie buy his own food instead of eating family food, going to the Dr etc.

I can't believe that someone acting that selfish, is not being very selfish in other aspects of their life. And once again having a huge impact on you and the kids.

You may not be able to see it but you are enabling his behaviour. You are not responsible in any way for it, but you are enabling him by cooking for him, continuing to allow him to take your food and your kids food, and continuing to allow him to not see the Dr.

It sounds like you've had a really rough trot of it op, and it sounds like you are doing a brilliant job with your kids. But this situation, from to your posts sounds a lot more messed up than I think you realise.

He may underneath it all be a really lovely guy with good qualities, but whilst he has this addiction you and the kids will always come second.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 21:39

Cloglover I didn't defend him at all, other posters did! and continuing to allow him to not see the Dr. please, tell me how you'd physically force someone to the doctors?!

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FelicisNox · 05/11/2020 21:44

As everyone else has stated, this is more than just about his weight.

Sit him down and tell him you're drawing a line in the sand, you're sorry that his weight bothers him and affects his self esteem but you are absolutely done with him eating you out of house and home and you will no longer tolerate him shouting at you over food when he eats enough for 3 people including your specialist snacks. Tell him your sick of his greed, selfishness and disrespect and you cannot afford financially for this to continue: he changes his eating habits and attitude starting tomorrow or he's out of the door because you won't tolerate this appalling behaviour any longer and he's a bad role model for his kids.

Then mean it. Start dishing up appropriate portions, heavy on the veg, lock your snacks away and if he opens his mouth just once to be rude he goes and sleeps in his car.

Enough.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 21:44

It sounds like you've had a really rough trot of it You clearly have absolutely no idea if you minimise rape like that.

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WaterOffADucksCrack · 05/11/2020 21:47

FelicisNox thanks I will say those things however I can't legally force him to leave and I also refuse to act like his mum as i find it creepy when couples have that dynamic. Everything else you've said I will do so thank you.

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JessicaBlack101 · 05/11/2020 22:18

he is a greedy fat pig. He is big for his height. I know people who are 6'4" and weigh 80kg - HALF HIS WEIGHT.

Especially as he eats all your gluten free stuff.

What you are feeding him is a double regular serve. That is HEAPS of food. The amount you give him for dinner, would have kept me going for half a day - WHEN I WAS VERY ACTIVE.

this sounds like an ex of mine, and a now ex-husband of another lady i knew.

I'd be saving up as much money as you can and being mentally prepared to leave, because he has no respect for you at all.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 05/11/2020 22:26

weigh 80kg - HALF HIS WEIGHT
Half his weight would be 63kg. 20 stone is 127kg. 1 stone is 6.3kg. i know that just because I have to convert various units every day as an european from yours to metric.
Inch is 2.54 cm😁 So proud of myself 😂

Cloglover · 05/11/2020 22:41

You can force someone to go to the Dr's or stop steeling your food by giving them an ultimatum and then going through with it.

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