To think this isn't stingy?

[WaterOffADucksCrack]

Dp has just got home from work and complained at the "stingy" portions left for him. This consists of 5 (good quality) sausages, carrots, peas, broccoli and a large bowl of mash (3 generous portions). Aibu to think this is not stingy at all?

Fwiw he has already eaten breakfast, a pack up and a bacon and egg sandwich from a food van ( I only know this as h3 messaged me). And I know someone is going to ask if I underfeed him (it isn't my job to feed him) but he is 5ft 9 and at least 20 stone.

They see their Dad’s disordered eating and will think it is normal if you don’t point out that it is not.
Would he be interested in meal planning with you?
You also need to point out what a healthy portion size is for him.
My DH reached the point of reduced portion sizes when he had to weigh in for a hospital admission and finally saw how heavy he’d had got.
I would serve his meal the correct protein and carb portions, then leave a bucket of veg on the table he could have as much as he wanted.
Not buying snak helped as well.
You may need to hide the snacks.

@WaterOffADucksCrack

20 stone? Seriously? Yes seriously

Is this a fat bashing thread? No as I've been overweight plus I've been underweight with an eating disorder so I don't really know what "normal" is. Thanks for making me feel like a freak though.

My messages aren't posting or are posting much later for some reason.

You quoted my comment about asking why should you look at your disordered eating as it’s fixed. I will just refer you back to this comment as both cannot strictly be true. Great, if you’re fully recovered, perhaps it is more that it is time to believe in yourself. And address the message their father is sending your dcs. They’re little now and will do what is expected of them. Not so much so at 12 or 16.

I think if you weren't afraid of him you would buy food for yourself. Perhaps you're afraid of an unpleasant atmosphere, or afraid of being on your own. But you're afraid to address the unfairness of the situation. You're afraid to put boundaries in place. You're afraid he'll come home and if you haven't left an outrageous amount of food he'll say it's stingy. You're afraid he loves food more than he loves you. You're afraid he doesn't care how hard it is for you to manage the food budget. You're afraid he doesn't care how hurtful it is for him to eat your gluten free treats.

@WaterOffADucksCrack, there are 4 of us in the house, incl two (very hungry) teenagers. A normal meal for us is 6 sausages shared between us.

So to me his ‘small’ portion looks huge tbh.

Thinking about it, I’m wondering if he doesn’t have some sort of eating disorder (for want of a better word) if he can’t stop himself from eating anything in sight. Obviously, this explains his weight. But it could also explain his behaviour re snacks, the feeling of somehow ‘missing out’ etc...
I’d recommend he sees a nutritionist specialised in eating disorder/weight loss. Because I agree that ‘just’ reducing portions isn’t going to cut it wo the appropriate support.

And YY to a previous comment about having a balanced meal because that will help curb his hunger (even though I doubt this is the issue there)

SchrodingersImmigrant thanks I will do that.

CatsAndEyeliner after as he wanted seconds. He said he thought I would have cooked both packs of 8 sausages. So 16 total which would have meant 13 for him.

So you and the children had one each, and he thinks his 5 (!!!) are too little? What does he say when the discrepancy is pointed out? Is he in denial about his overeating, and consequent morbid obesity? I understand issues with food are complex, but I cannot understand an adult man who could take food from their families mouth and not give a shit about it! He is either so selfish that he doesn't even notice what you and the children are having, or he's so selfish that does notice and he's happy to eat 62% of the food served and doesn't care about the rest of you? I'd leave tbh. He sounds appalling.

Would he be interested in meal planning with you? nope I've asked for help and ideas but no.

Mummyoflittledragon I don't know what normal should be for him. I know exactly what my children need to eat.

You also need to point out what a healthy portion size is for him. I usually plate up and plate him up what I think is reasonable. If there's more he'll eat it. If there's no more he'll snack. If I don't buy snacks he will buy them.

Apileofballyhoo I'm not afraid of any of that 😂 the not buying food for myself is a budgeting issue. We have to stay in budget. It's like you want me to be scared 😂

waitingforadulthood no I had an omelette, the 1yo had 1 and 5yo had 2. The 4yo wasn't there.

TBH Mumsnet is really not a good place to get advice on what constitutes a 'normal' amount of food. There are quite a few examples of disordered eating on this thread, not just the OP. I.e. the person upthread who said her family of four including two teenagers would share six sausages between them. That's not normal either.

OP, I don't mean to frighten you but if you suspect he may have sleep apnoea then that needs investigating by the doctor yesterday - it means that there is a significant lack of oxygen getting to his brain and can be fatal. He may need a CPAP (continuous positive airways pressure) machine to wear while sleeping to ensure he continues breathing. Obviously him losing weight would be ideal but even if he began losing weight immediately he may need CPAP in the meantime (and his doctor-avoiding excuse of "they'll just tell me to lose weight" is incorrect, he may need treatment right now).

You need to find a way to ensure that you are treated as of equal importance within the family. You said that if you don't budget he will spend the lot on food, so presumably he is able to stick to a budget? I think you need to split the food budget into smaller sections - household groceries, individual foods for him and individual foods for you perhaps (the latter two should be the same amount). It is outrageous that he spent 2.5 times the value of a loaf of specialist bread on ONE sandwich for himself. By continuing with the way things are you are teaching your children that the shouty person gets what they want and everyone else loses out. They will either learn to become a shouty person or become a person who suppresses their own needs and wants, they won't magically develop differently unless someone teaches them a different way of living life. What relational models were you exposed to in your formative years?

He sounds gross.

@jgjgjgjgjg

TBH Mumsnet is really not a good place to get advice on what constitutes a 'normal' amount of food. There are quite a few examples of disordered eating on this thread, not just the OP. I.e. the person upthread who said her family of four including two teenagers would share six sausages between them. That's not normal either.

Absolutely agree with that and am actually surprised it's still quite reserved here now. I am on 1400 cal at the moment and my portions are bigger than some mentioned👀

Actually @jgjgjgjgjg, this about 100g of meat per person and covers the
protein needs of everyone.

Actually @jgjgjgjgjg, this about 20g of protein per person and covers the
protein needs of everyone.

(FWIW thé needs per person is about 1g of protein per kg of weight. So around 70g if protein per day. 20~25g pf protein per meal is perfectly adequate esp as the body can not assimilate more than 25g of protein in one sitting)

I don't think I know anyone who eats 5 sausages in a meal.

My DH is a big eater and yes he is a bit overweight but he usually eats 2 sausages, occasionally 3.

If he can afford to buy snacks then he can afford to give you more £ for the household food budget.

If you want to know what is a reasonable meal for him use MyFitnessPal and track how many calories and the balance of the meals you are providing him. Not even set for him to lose weight just to maintain/not gain.

He is over eating massively and his issue isn't hunger.

Sorry about strange posting. Didn’t realised that the first version of my post had already posted.
MN is behaving strangely today/yesterday with double posting

@WaterOffADucksCrack

20 stone? Seriously? Yes seriously

Is this a fat bashing thread? No as I've been overweight plus I've been underweight with an eating disorder so I don't really know what "normal" is. Thanks for making me feel like a freak though.

My messages aren't posting or are posting much later for some reason.

If you dont know what normal is then how do you know what 3 portions of mash looks like?

My DH was previously obese and couldn’t recognise a normal portion size, nor did he find it filling. He had to re-educate himself and go on a serious diet. After a while he got used to eating less and lost a large amount of weight. Nowadays he would eat two sausages with mash and veg. Your DH is eating excessively and he needs to see his GP for help with his obesity.

He clearly has massive issues with food if he thinks that 13 sausages is reasonable. 5 sausages is excessive for anyone. No men in my family would eat more than 3. And I'm talking about tall 6ft plus men who are physically active. Even my growing teenager wouldn't eat 5 sausages.

I don't know how you fix this, but it must cost you a fortune to feed him.

That's pretty much what we're having for dinner tonight, but we're having 3 sausages each, and I even thought that was a bit greedy as I used to get two when I lived at home!

I could quite easily polish off 5 sausages right now

He definitely needs some help with his eating. I have issues with portion control and it's something I'm having to relearn. Using a smaller plate has helped me so it still looks full. I still have quite a big plate of food but it's much more veg than anything else. It does seem to be helping. I haven't weighed myself but my clothes are getting big for me.

If you are not afraid, why do you go without so that he can overeat?