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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think this isn't stingy?

309 replies

WaterOffADucksCrack · 03/11/2020 21:17

Dp has just got home from work and complained at the "stingy" portions left for him. This consists of 5 (good quality) sausages, carrots, peas, broccoli and a large bowl of mash (3 generous portions). Aibu to think this is not stingy at all?

Fwiw he has already eaten breakfast, a pack up and a bacon and egg sandwich from a food van ( I only know this as h3 messaged me). And I know someone is going to ask if I underfeed him (it isn't my job to feed him) but he is 5ft 9 and at least 20 stone.

OP posts:
QueenPaws · 03/11/2020 23:34

Definitely not stingy. I'm 5ft 10 and dieting and get hangry BlushGrin
But I had sausage and mash a few days ago - 3 sausages, a serving spoon/ladle size of mash, gravy and then bulked it all out with a shed load of veg. Like if I have a salad I might have a whole salad bag but the actual ££ bit so chicken is a small weighed portion

RandomMess · 03/11/2020 23:50

I would be surprised if with maintenance and not paying for his share of groceries anymore that you wouldn't be any better off?

I can't imagine you are sleeping well either due to his snoring/sleep apnoea why he he won't go to the GP about because he doesn't care about the impact on you Sad

Shitfuckoh · 03/11/2020 23:57

You've had some fantastic replies here. I really hope you'll give what they've said some serious thought. Putting portion size and weight to one side, it is never acceptable to scream and about at someone you're supposed to love, never mind over food that would have fed 2 adults. You really do not have to live like this.

Idunnoyou · 04/11/2020 00:15

That's a big meal. 5 sausages is crazy, I dunno anyone who eats more than two that includes bigger people I know

BoomBoomsCousin · 04/11/2020 00:26

If you have to hide food for yourself and your children and he is avoiding the doctors for fear of being told to lose weight it sounds like he has an eating disorder. Whether he would be kinder and less entitled and selfish if he didn't have it is probably not something you can know unless/until he gets it sorted. If he isn't willing to even try to take steps to sort it when it impacts so negatively on your life I can only advise you to plan on leaving so you can protect yourself and your children.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/11/2020 00:27

@Idunnoyou

That's a big meal. 5 sausages is crazy, I dunno anyone who eats more than two that includes bigger people I know
Blush

Well, not anymore though.

yvanka · 04/11/2020 00:57

Is it your DH who waited until everyone had a plate at the bbq and then hoovered up the rest?

PyongyangKipperbang · 04/11/2020 01:28

My ex is greedy. He would eat everything and still moan. And then complained that I didnt find him attractive.

I once posted on here (poss under an old UN) about making popcorn and him grabbing handful after handul and ramming it into his face. I said that I hated it and what was wrong with eating it piece by piece. I got my arse handed to me Hmm

He will get fatter and you will get poorer and more resentful. What you do about that is up to you.......

Fizzorgin · 04/11/2020 01:41

5 sausages plus the rest and he STILL thinks that's not enough??!!?

Apileofballyhoo · 04/11/2020 01:49

If he was spending your food money on alcohol, drugs or gambling you'd probably have recognised the abuse and addiction and enabling more quickly. You're afraid of him.

FuckYouCorona · 04/11/2020 01:54

He is super morbidly obese & eating at least twice as much as he should. Plus he is treating you badly. You don't need this shit. I'd say you'd definitely be better off on your own. Flowers

FlamedToACrisp · 04/11/2020 02:32

My overweight (16st) adult son would eat 5-7 sausages with the other food you describe if I left it out cooked and said 'help yourself,' but he's now aware he has an eating disorder. He is losing weight just by having lots of extra veg and no potatoes, rice, bread, cakes, biscuits, crisps or sweets, and going for a half-hour walk each day (NOT to the chip shop!) Perhaps your DH could try that to start with?

I disagree with PPs who think you should divorce your DH for eating 5 sausages (FFS!) A fat person needs to eat more to maintain weight than a thin person. Yes, ideally he should be trying to lose weight, not maintain it, but unless he has decided to stick to a reduced diet, giving him smaller meals will only mean he fills up on expensive snacks, which cost more and are less nutritious.

Taking your special snacks, or snacks reserved for other family members' lunches, is bang out of order and if done deliberately, should result in a massive row, followed by him apologising profusely for being so selfish and immediately going out to buy some more to replace them. If this is not what happens, maybe you should be asking yourself why you and he are acting as if he has more rights to nice treats than the rest of the family. How fucking dare he!

Yes, he could buy a lockable box for you if he feels he can't control himself, but you shouldn't have to buy one to defend food that isn't for him, you should only need to make it clear which snacks are for him and which are not, so he doesn't eat them by mistake. If he's eaten his share and wants more - tough, make some beans on toast instead.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/11/2020 03:19

@Idunnoyou
I eat 3 and I'm 5 foot and 7 stone!

noirchatsdeux · 04/11/2020 03:27

Yeah, that's actually disgusting. I have a friend, age 34, who is 6 foot and weighs 20 stone. He's put on about 9 stone from when I first met him, about 10 years ago. Portion control is his major problem - he eats at least 3 times what is the normal amount at any given meal. He once ate 48 Yorkie chocolate bars in less than 12 hours. And then bitches about being so overweight and having type 2 diabetes. His cognitive dissonance is impressive.

iftherewereahorseyinthehouse · 04/11/2020 03:35

If this is for real he has serious issues. How many sausages was he expecting?

I would tell him to jog off down the shop and buy and cook his own dinner if he has a problem. Why would you put up with this?

I need to check if he's the bbq man now

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/11/2020 05:23

This is no way to live. Your ‘d’p doesn’t seem to have much respect for you or your medical condition at all. This is hardly surprising considering what little respect he has for himself.

Your 3 under 5’s don’t eat much right now. But by the time they’re in their teens, especially if you have boys, they will be eating you out of house and home. My advice would be to think about what messages you and their dad are giving them. You both have disordered eating by the sound of it. This is not something to pass on to the next generation if you can help it. And for this reason, your dp’s eating would be a hill to die on for me were I in your position. You’re an independent woman after all, who works full time.

If you decide not to split, I would be getting him less good quality things so that the gap between the spend on your food and the spend on his lessens. I also think sadly you need a lock box for the snacks.

WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/11/2020 07:30

Is it your DH who waited until everyone had a plate at the bbq and then hoovered up the rest? No, I did comment on that one though!

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/11/2020 07:33

My advice would be to think about what messages you and their dad are giving them. You both have disordered eating by the sound of it. Why do I? I'm recovered now and when I had my oldest and youngest I went to classes for diet and nutrition for children so I could be sure I was feeding them the best.

OP posts:
WaterOffADucksCrack · 04/11/2020 07:37

You're afraid of him I really am not 😂

I don't think leaving over this without trying other things is the right thing for us.

OP posts:
kowari · 04/11/2020 07:44

The sausages and mash are enough for two. A normal serve of meat is about 100g or two sausages. 80g per serve of veg. I usually do three serves of veg for dinner. A larger person with a physical job would require more.

EnjoyingTheSilence · 04/11/2020 07:49

He sounds like a selfish arsehole. Yanbu, he is.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 04/11/2020 08:11

@WaterOffADucksCrack

You're afraid of him I really am not 😂

I don't think leaving over this without trying other things is the right thing for us.

You should be. What who will he eat when you run out of snacks one day😱

On a serious note. Yeah. I think he needs schocking into a diet. Many of us did. Denial is very strong thing. I recommend buying the lock box for your snacks. Do have another chat before that though.

CatsAndEyeliner · 04/11/2020 08:18

Did he say this before he ate the meal or a while after?

I think maybe he can’t cope with the feeling of hunger.

Definitely do not cook for him anymore.

CatsAndEyeliner · 04/11/2020 08:21

Also, there’s a massive issue of respect here:

  1. He thinks it’s ok to talk to you like crap.
  2. He blatantly ignores your specific request not to eat your food (not that you should even have to ask) and thinks that’s ok.
Rumbletumbleinmytummy · 04/11/2020 08:29

There are a lot of problems to unpack here.
He reads like he has quite a few issues regarding food. I am very similar (or was, I had to have a gastric sleeve surgery and I am stringent about weighing everything so I dont slip)

If you can, it might be a good idea to say to him, let's figure out your calorie count. Try and encourage him to track his activities and what he is eating. Tell him not to change anything, but hopefully confronting the reality of what goes out vs what goes in will help him to see that this is a problem.

He sounds obsessive about the amount of food on his plate, again, I've done the same myself! Can he start with replacing a portion of the not so healthy stuff on his plate with a healthier alternative?
For example extra vegetables to bulk out meals and slightly less carb, and then reduce by small amounts over time?

Can he take up walking or something during lockdown? Bike riding, anything that'll get him using those calories.

He also needs something he enjoys to take over where food currently sits, so he has something to enjoy when he isnt enjoying massive meals.