I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

I think a lot of posters are missing the crucial point that you are in the autism spectrum.

I missed that too - did the OP say that? Anyway you don't have to have autism to need alone time.

I assume the children have their own rooms, the OP doesn't. Either way, their house is clearly big enough that space can easily be negotiated. This is not about having enough rooms to be alone in, it's about having enough time to be alone.

She has a bedroom and could choose to ask her DH to leave her alone there instead, but she chooses a communal room. If her DH or at least the older girl can’t ringfence a whole room to watch the sun go down three nights a week on their own, it doesn’t seem reasonable to me that the OP should do so.

I can't understand someone talking about watching tv together as "quality time", let alone "having a snack together".

Welcome to the bigger picture. Those certainly can both be bits of quality time especially if you don't spend all day grazing or slumped in front of the TV or using the TV as background. Deciding to watch a TV programme together is usually quality time. Quality time does not just mean non-stop conversation.

She has a bedroom and could choose to ask her DH to leave her alone there instead, but she chooses a communal room.

Would that really make a difference to you? Using their (shared) bedroom rather than a (shared) family room?

Would that really make a difference to you? Using their (shared) bedroom rather than a (shared) family room?

I just want to know whether her expectations are aligned with her expectations for the rest of the family, that’s all. I’m not getting that impression.

I can't understand someone talking about watching tv together as "quality time", let alone "having a snack together
That's really very sad.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I would be having a very strong conversation with all of them and tell them that they all need to let you have your 'free time' without interruption from them.

They all of an age where they do not need to have you available 24/7 an it is very disrespectful from them towards you. And going forward when you are sitting in the sunroom of an evening they are not to come in and interrupt you any problems they can talk to their dad. Anything they want to discuss with you they can tell you in the time they have with them everyday.

I may go as far to tell them if they continue to disturb you then you will stop doing XX with them until they understand how important this is to you.

XX being what ever you decide is most reasonable for each person. For example if the 12 year interrupts you then don't get a hot chocolate on the way to school the next morning. Again explain why this is happening.

Anything they want to discuss with you they can tell you in the time they have with them everyday.

I couldn’t say this to my child. Surely there are some things - bullying, health, anxiety - that your children need to be able to talk with you about at any time?

@AmaryllisNightAndDay

I can't understand someone talking about watching tv together as "quality time", let alone "having a snack together".

Welcome to the bigger picture. Those certainly can both be bits of quality time especially if you don't spend all day grazing or slumped in front of the TV or using the TV as background. Deciding to watch a TV programme together is usually quality time. Quality time does not just mean non-stop conversation.

it's not about conversation, watching tv is literally the opposite of quality time.

Nothing wrong with watching tv, it's just depressing that someone could think it's enough to qualify as family or quality time.

And I don't spend the day snacking slumped in front of the tv, thank you for your goady concern 😂

Nothing wrong with watching tv, it's just depressing that someone could think it's enough to qualify as family or quality time.

It absolutely counts in our house. We cuddle under a blanket, watch a film and my daughter asks me questions or tells me about how she feels about what she is seeing. The quality is excellent.

it's not about conversation, watching tv is literally the opposite of quality time

Thats your opinion. And its a daft one. But youre entitled to it.

Anything they want to discuss with you they can tell you in the time they have with them everyday

Would you seriously say to your 12 year old "You had you chance to talk to me at dinner time, now fuck off and leave me alone" ?

For example if the 12 year interrupts you then don't get a hot chocolate on the way to school the next morning
And then PUNISH them for wanting to talk to or spend time with their mother?

Again explain why this is happening

Because you're a total asshole?

Thinking back to last nights quality viewing

I watched the news. That’s a good opportunity for children to talk to their parents about what is going on in the world. 12 and 16 is a good age for this. American election, coronavirus, terrorism. Lots of questions.

The Great British Bake Off. There was a lot of ‘oh wow’ and chat here. It was a 1980s night. I reminisced about Black Forest gateau with my partner. I felt sorry for Laura. Admired the creations.

Then the educating programme (greater Manchester?) again, good opportunities to talk about knife crime, bad behaviour in lessons, dyslexia, what makes a good teacher.

It was on but if I had teenagers wandering in and out I’d expect they’d dip in and out as I did, maybe between reading, browsing the internet, going to the kitchen for snacks, texting.

It’s not about someone telling you something important, it’s that if you aren’t available to listen to the unimportant, you’ll never be trusted with the important in the first place.

YouKidsIsCrazy

Thats your opinion. And its a daft one. But youre entitled to it

In a world of parents boasting about putting tv in their toddler's bedroom if not earlier, and people glued to their phones I am fully aware it's not popular. It doesn't make it "daft".

If watching tv is the best thing you can think about to plan with your kids and you honestly believe that is the best time and/or entertainment, then why not I guess.

I keep movie or tv nights when we really haven't got anything better to do.I am not against tv. Each to their own.🤷

watching tv is literally the opposite of quality time.

Nope. Shared attention really is part of quality time. Including sharing a TV proigramme so long as it's not just background or incessant. So is joint activity (like making a snack together, i.e. not grazing). There are several different kinds of quality time and the OP is has covered the communication aspects at other times of day.

thank you for your goady concern

Sorry, that was a misuse of the word "you". I meant "one" but there is no English word for it. I assumed you weren't doing that.

*If watching tv is the best thing you can think about to plan with your kids and you honestly believe that is the best time and/or entertainment, then why not I guess.
*

Is that what anyone said, or anything like it? No.

It's very sad for your children that you can't simply enjoy watching something with them. They must be sick of you micromaniging their time for your "happy memories" bullshit.

I just want to know whether her expectations are aligned with her expectations for the rest of the family, that’s all. I’m not getting that impression.

Obviously her expectations for them are not exactly the same. The OP says her family are very different people from her and have different needs from hers.

The battle is not for everyone to have some alone time, or for other family members to watch the sunset (that's not why they go in the sunroom). The battle is over her time and her attention.

Obviously her expectations for them are not exactly the same. The OP says her family are very different people from her and have different needs from hers.

That’s for them to define, not the OP. I just want to know what would happen if (for example) the 16 YO said, ‘Right, I want the sunroom for two nights each week and nobody is allowed to come in.’ Because in my family anyone behaving like that would be told no, that’s communal space. Fine if you want peace and quiet, people can be quiet in there. But the only room you can hijack for your sole use for three nights every week is your own room.’ In addition, the OP is a parent. I don’t think it’s okay to tell her two teenage kids that they are never allowed to disturb her for several hours at a time on three evenings per week.

OP might need less time alone (for the posters horrified by 2/3 evenings a week) if she actually got any.

At the moment she attempts it so often because every single quiet evening is ruined.

By the sounds of it she chose the room with the least disruption for the family, that also has whatever she need for her "me time" , like the computer.

Why should she leave the house,or go in her bedroom and not do something she enjoys ?

I wonder how many times she was interrupted with a serious issue and not random"what are you doing?", "look at this tiktok", "Where's my...", "can I have x,y,x", "my friend's barber's grandmother's dog walker has done x" and so on. Mindless,pointless drivel demanding attention just for the sake of it.

I think a lot of posters are missing the crucial point that you are in the autism spectrum.

They’re missing it because she hasn’t said that. She said that she may be on the spectrum.

2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time
A week are you joking? Jez OP I thought you were slipping off for a 4 hour break each night.

I sometimes think children are insatiable. It's their nature.
Define your boundaries or they will gobble you up.

No you need your own time. My two are the same age and I have similar issues. Not such a nice view I expect, sounds idilic to me xx

@GettingUntrapped

I sometimes think children are insatiable. It's their nature. Define your boundaries or they will gobble you up.

Especially if they're allowed and encouraged to be.

2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time

Agree with pp it’s not a lot but op mentioned a couple of hours a night sometimes 3

Anyway I know if dh did this it’d drive me crazy.

@MarshaBradyo

2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time

Agree with pp it’s not a lot but op mentioned a couple of hours a night sometimes 3

Anyway I know if dh did this it’d drive me crazy.

However she's not getting any of it. She tries 2/3 night a week to get a few hours of peace of quiet. It hasn't happened yet.