I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

@FortunesFave

2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time

Do you honestly think that? I think it's fuck all. It's NOTHING! There are so many hours in a day....why would people think that's a lot. I can't imagine how some couples and families manage if that's considered a lot.

because most families haven't got that much time to spend together.

Once you remove the hours of work or school, the hours to deal with chores and life admin, for many people there's very little left. 3 hours during the week, that's pretty much the entire time some couple have to spend together.

The DCs are going to be at school Mon - Fri. Do you work FT?

YANBU at all OP. I need that too, but even more than you, it's a Monday to Friday thing.
Most of all I need silence and to just be. Or do something for myself (read a book,talk with a friend,browse Mumsnet or whatever) without having to stop every two minutes to answer a question,do something,think about something else.

I'm quite lucky that I get it after DD goes to bed. OH gets it too and that it's not about him (so I'm not avoiding him,or mad,or sulking,or rejecting him bla bla) ,it's about me and what I need.

I work with kids all day,then I have DD. I'm peopled out,touched out and questioned out by 7 pm.

Feeding Yes I do. I work full time.

No they would not. I don't want someone else there.

Are you equally happy for your 16 year old (for example) to say you can’t go in a room of her choice three nights a week?

I have only read your posts OP so apologies if this has already been said but this is the typical challenge of introverts living with extroverts. In my experience, of being an introvert and living with an extrovert, extroverts just don’t understand the need for alone time as a way for introverts to recharge their batteries.

Typically extroverts get their energy from interacting with other people, like what your family are doing to you, while introverts get their energy from time on their own

Appreciate I am making generalisations here but maybe you need to sit them down, explain the difference between the two.

Now with everyone being in the house more due to covid/wfh I need to retreat to my room early in the evening for a break and collect my thoughts so I totally get where you are coming from

OP it isn’t a lot to ask whatsoever. I think the mistake you made is not putting in what your husband does which would likely have changed some of the comments while others have this belief that parents can’t have alone time until the children have moved out, that alone time has to be productive, and/or parents have to leave the house because it’s seemingly not fair for the rest of the family not to be able to use a room or bother someone for a few hours. A movie can be 90 minutes long and I’m pretty sure some would be annoyed if someone came in every 20 minutes and kept interrupting. As another poster said a football game is that long yet most wouldn’t be happy if someone interrupted their viewing of it if it wasn’t half time. You shouldn’t have to leave the comfort of the home just to get alone time.

Still don’t understand why 4/5 days of family time is too little on top of the time you already give during the 2-3 days before the alone time...

Are you equally happy for your 16 year old (for example) to say you can’t go in a room of her choice three nights a week?

Um.. the 16 yo is not an adult. 🙄

Um.. the 16 yo is not an adult. 🙄

Um, I know. But a 16 year old might well need alone time in the same way the OP does.

But a 16 year old might well need alone time in the same way the OP does.

If she did, perhaps she would be one less person bothering OP during her alone time.

If she did, perhaps she would be one less person bothering OP during her alone time.

Maybe. My question to the OP stands, though.

@FortunesFave

Well I don't think DH or the kids are misogynists. I just think they're bloody selfish.

I think you sound like the selfish one you sound delightful. I'd defo leave you alone if this is your kind of attitude.

I'm introverted and think both parents should get down time for themselves, but don't think it's right for either parent to expect to take 3 nights a week to themselves and then moan if their partner or children dares to sit in the same room as them or talk to them. Man or woman, that's just selfish in my opinion.

I find it quite interesting that according to some people ita find for a woman to want to shut off from family life for 3 evenings a week where they aren't interrupted (even suggesting signs and locks on doors) so she can browse the internet and not be hassled by her partner and children, but there's absolutely no way that those people would be defending a husband's right to take over a room in the house to play uninterrupted xbox for several evenings a week.

LolaSmiles

Of course they wouldn’t defend it. He would be “checking out of family life”. And that is what the OP wants to do by banning her children from her presence for three full evenings a week. What if they have something on their minds? What if they just feel completely excluded by her? I definitely agree that downtime is necessary but this is a huge amount.

@LolaSmiles

I'm introverted and think both parents should get down time for themselves, but don't think it's right for either parent to expect to take 3 nights a week to themselves and then moan if their partner or children dares to sit in the same room as them or talk to them. Man or woman, that's just selfish in my opinion.

I find it quite interesting that according to some people ita find for a woman to want to shut off from family life for 3 evenings a week where they aren't interrupted (even suggesting signs and locks on doors) so she can browse the internet and not be hassled by her partner and children, but there's absolutely no way that those people would be defending a husband's right to take over a room in the house to play uninterrupted xbox for several evenings a week.

Agree with this

If op works ft then telling a 12 year old to disappear three nights is a lot

to say you can’t go in a room of her choice three nights a week

That is unfair. The OP has chosen the sunroom because it doesn't inconvenience the rest of the family. I'll bet she respects her DD's right to be alone in her own bedroom. The OP is not keeping her husband out of their bedroom, or the family out of the kicthen or the two living rooms.

What if they just feel completely excluded by her? I definitely agree that downtime is necessary but this is a huge amount.

It's a matter of balancing everyone's needs including hers. At the moment the OP's needs aren't being respected at all. pp have quite reasonably suggested that if even some of her need for alone time was being respected then she would crave less of it.

I'd compromise for two uninterrupted nights strict rules of no disturbing or you'll go back to 3 nights. Have a family meeting so everyone is aware of when you'll be clocking off, if they have requests get them in earlier or they can wait.

I can't understand someone talking about watching tv together as "quality time", let alone "having a snack together".

It's so much easier when people use their own time to go out and do something. It's clearer it's about their break and not a rejection of the family they chose to live with. Do not disturb because I am on MN is a bit harsh

The good thing with a 16 year old is that there's not much time left for them to bother you. Soon they'll be gone and will give you all the peace you want.

Just make an effort to ensure your husband doesn't give up and give you unlimited peace as well.

It's so much easier when people use their own time to go out and do something.

But then the "going out and doing something" becames an excuse. And the message to family is not "I have a need for alone time that should be respected" but "'doing something' is more important than you are". Which is not a good message either.

That is unfair. The OP has chosen the sunroom because it doesn't inconvenience the rest of the family.

Okay, so what if the husband or one of the girls wanted to use it for their alone time 3 nights a week for the same reason?

But then the "going out and doing something" becames an excuse. And the message to family is not "I have a need for alone time that should be respected" but "'doing something' is more important than you are". Which is not a good message either.
More like if a dad/DH goes out people will be raging about how selfish he is, he's opting out of family life, mustn't pull his weight around the house, absent father, manchild, must be into golf or cycling, but if a wife/mum does it then it's absolutely essential she has time to herself.

It shouldn't make a difference whether a parent uses their downtime in the house or to go out, as long as both people get the time and neither of them complain whilst expecting to block of substantial parts of week to be away from the family.

Not sure whether or not it's not misogyny, but it's definitely ablesim.

I think a lot of posters are missing the crucial point that you are in the autism spectrum. Therefore, time alone is a genuine need, not a "want". I'm on the spectrum too and if I don't get alone time, I start getting physical symptoms from the mental strain. Or more embarrassingly, I end up crying because I can't take it any more. Much like the way kids with autism might have a meltdown. For some reason, people think autism disappears when you turn 18.

Why is it not ok for someone with an autism spectrum disorder to try to take care of themselves?

If you were an amputee needing to sit down, take off your prosthetic and rest your limb, that'd be harder for people around you to ignore, but because your condition is neurological and therefore invisible, you're expected to not inconvenience the non-disabled among us by asking for your needs to be met. People seem to genuinely think you can just "wish away" things like sensory overload. Nope. Only cure is to desensitise, which means undisturbed quiet time.

Okay, so what if the husband or one of the girls wanted to use it for their alone time 3 nights a week for the same reason?

I assume the children have their own rooms, the OP doesn't. Either way, their house is clearly big enough that space can easily be negotiated. This is not about having enough rooms to be alone in, it's about having enough time to be alone.