I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Indeed. How sad and desperate it would be for OP to have to resort to lying just to have her needs respected,accepted and met by her own family

I think you mean how sad and desperate it is to try and hide away from your children and family so much. Sad for the children whos mother can't even bear to speak to them for half of the week

Oh ffs a few hours(if it ever actually happens ) 2/3 days a week is half the week?

Do people live in some kind of alternate universe where weeks are only 15 hours long or something?

Oh ffs a few hours(if it ever actually happens ) 2/3 days a week is half the week?

Yes. Kids at school all day all week, parents at work. Activities etc on weekends. 3 nights a week is half or more of the available time to spend with kids on that age, on average.
Does that really need to spelled out? Are your 12 year olds stuck to you like glue 24/7?

I feel for you. I have the same problem; husband, kids and cats follow me around the house.

Dramatic much? They’re 12 and 16.
Saying you're going to stop them doing things or remove nice things if you're interrupted is punishing the kids for wanting to see their parent. I'm all up for discussing everyone's need for alone time, but telling kids that they only matter other than time you want to browse the internet isn't a pleasant message to me.

I'm still waiting for people on this thread to confirm that it's reasonable for dads and husbands to lock themselves away for 3 nights a week, want a do not disturb sign, suggest locking the door, for him to tell the kids they don't get treats if they interrupt is oh so important gaming.
Funnily enough I don't think thays going to happen though.

I’m 58 so my kids are now 26 and 29 and i have now got my first grandchild and looking back now it was just such a small part of my life that they were a pain in the arse take it from me they don’t want your time for long so give it to them.You have plenty of time later to appreciate sunsets etc appreciate the phase of life you are in.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Oh ffs a few hours(if it ever actually happens ) 2/3 days a week is half the week?

Yes. Kids at school all day all week, parents at work. Activities etc on weekends. 3 nights a week is half or more of the available time to spend with kids on that age, on average.
Does that really need to spelled out? Are your 12 year olds stuck to you like glue 24/7?

Well mine is only 8, but the only time she's not with me is during school hours.

I "borrowed" a do not disturb sign from a hotel. Only have husband at home but he still barges into my room unless I put the sign up.

@LolaSmiles

Dramatic much? They’re 12 and 16. Saying you're going to stop them doing things or remove nice things if you're interrupted is punishing the kids for wanting to see their parent. I'm all up for discussing everyone's need for alone time, but telling kids that they only matter other than time you want to browse the internet isn't a pleasant message to me.

I'm still waiting for people on this thread to confirm that it's reasonable for dads and husbands to lock themselves away for 3 nights a week, want a do not disturb sign, suggest locking the door, for him to tell the kids they don't get treats if they interrupt is oh so important gaming.
Funnily enough I don't think thays going to happen though.

The difference is a lot of dads and husband already get that time with no interruptions so don't have to resort to such measures.

OP's husband does too with his surfing(3 times a week so exactly how many days OP would like a break) or /and going on long walks.

It's just OP that can't get any alone time without interruptions.

ComeOnBabyHauntMyBubble
I didn't think they were all evening but if they are then fair enough. Leisure and downtime should be equally split in a relationship.

Either way, the vast majority of the posters on this thread would be frothing away in a comical fashion if someone said their husband wanted 3 nights a week for uninterrupted gaming, and none of them would be suggesting it's ok for a dad to threaten to deprive his children treats if they disturb his gaming time.

@FortunesFave YANBU I am the social one DH a true introvert.

I would buy a book for your DH about being an introvert and their NEED to have alone time to recharge and cope with life.

DH used to have long baths, go to our bedroom on the PlayStation and these days he has his own office where he can do his hobby alone.

Poor bloke has been WFH for 6 years now - it's made him happier and healthier (has immunity issues) so you can imagine lockdown with 3 teens and a peri-menopausal wife now WFH full time for the forseeable has been tiresome!!

If you are working full time having to deal with other people I would expect you to need a couple of hours on your own each evening especially as the DC are older.

@FortunesFave - I’m an introvert, and I don’t think you are being at ALL unreasonable to want some time to yourself!

It does sound as if you have tried to get your message across to them - I’d suggest one more go - sit them down and explain what you want and why you want it, and how frustrating it is that everyone else gets their needs met, but you don’t. Tell them that, if they don’t get the message quick-smart, you will be forced to go out, on your own (in the car or for a walk to somewhere where you could sit and read) - and ask them if it is fair that their behaviour is forcing you out of your own home. I do realise this wouldn’t be ideal for you, as you might not be able to do all the things you want to, but it would give you some alone time whilst getting your point across.

Then, if they keep on doing it, follow through, and just up and leave. Keep doing it until they get the message.

Saying you're going to stop them doing things or remove nice things if you're interrupted is punishing the kids for wanting to see their parent.

So parents should simply give in whenever their children WANT them? They want to bother OP every 20 minutes during her alone time. That’s not even a whole tv program. And I highly doubt any of the interruptions couldn’t have waited til after OP was finished or so important that they needed an answer right away. Unless one of them comes in there sobbing about something, it is not necessary to bother OP every 20 minutes.

I’m pretty sure most people would get annoyed if they were bothered every 20 minutes for something that could have been dealt with by the other parent, wasn’t worth interrupting, or couldn’t have waited til afterwards. If OP’s husband get his alone time which he chooses to go out and surf (which I doubt takes him less than 90 minutes) meaning nowhere near his children, why can’t OP have her time at home surfing which is what she has chosen to do with hers. I doubt OP or the children are interrupting him so why is it ok for him and their children to interrupt her? Just because she’s home?

So parents should simply give in whenever their children WANT them?
I've not said that and I have repeatedly said both parents should get downtime

I just also think it's a silly and unpleasant thing to do to tell your children you'll take things off them or deny them treats if they interrupt your internet browsing.
That doesn't teach mutual respect or the importance of everyone having downtime in my opinion. It might get compliance eventu8 but it doesn't build positive attitudes.

I understand OP. I love my own space. Unfortunately as a single mum to 2 young boys I only get it when they're asleep.

I just also think it's a silly and unpleasant thing to do to tell your children you'll take things off them or deny them treats if they interrupt your internet browsing.

I think it’s silly that a 12 yo, 16 yo and a grown man cannot function 20 minutes on their own without bothering OP. Her internet browsing is irrelevant. It is her alone time. It doesn’t matter if she is browsing the Internet, reading a book, doing exercise, or even browsing the Internet looking for a book about exercise.. It is still them interrupting her alone time. If they can’t learn to respect it, what should she do? Should she be forced to leave the house just to be able to have uninterrupted time to herself? How would that be better? They are old enough to function without bothering someone every 20 minutes, they are old enough to understand that their mother and his wife would like to have time to herself. If they wouldn’t bother her, she wouldn’t likely need so much time alone to begin with. I would want the whole evening too if I had to deal with someone bothering me during my alone time every 20 minutes for something unnecessarily.

Okay 'cat amongst pigeons time'.....
I don't agree with you. I'd say you're in demand because you don't give enough of yourself with total love, you do what's expected of you begrudgingly and that's it.
Having successfully raised two children in a different era when people weren't so self absorbed. I gave my love and time willingly. This has been repaid to me a thousand times with the love and care my grown-up children give back to me. Why would you not want to share yourself with your family. I read in bed after everybody's asleep. There's always time for a 5 minute chill. Who could possibly turn away a small child who would love a talk and a cuddle. I bet you're lining up to tear me limb from limb.

@lollylimejuice

Okay 'cat amongst pigeons time'..... I don't agree with you. I'd say you're in demand because you don't give enough of yourself with total love, you do what's expected of you begrudgingly and that's it. Having successfully raised two children in a different era when people weren't so self absorbed. I gave my love and time willingly. This has been repaid to me a thousand times with the love and care my grown-up children give back to me. Why would you not want to share yourself with your family. I read in bed after everybody's asleep. There's always time for a 5 minute chill. Who could possibly turn away a small child who would love a talk and a cuddle. I bet you're lining up to tear me limb from limb.

Her daughters are 12 and 16,not small children looking for a cuddle.

@LolaSmiles

So parents should simply give in whenever their children WANT them? I've not said that and I have repeatedly said both parents should get downtime

I just also think it's a silly and unpleasant thing to do to tell your children you'll take things off them or deny them treats if they interrupt your internet browsing.
That doesn't teach mutual respect or the importance of everyone having downtime in my opinion. It might get compliance eventu8 but it doesn't build positive attitudes.

I completely agree with you on the punishment side.

However you seem a bit dismissive of OP's downtime because its "internet browsing". Would it be different if she was doing a workout, reading a book,knitting,doing a puzzle ,playing or learning to play a musical instrument etc?

Who could possibly turn away a small child who would love a talk and a cuddle. I bet you're lining up to tear me limb from limb
12 and 16 aren't small DC.
I usually complain about lack of free time especially throughout lockdown. I've noticed since school returned it is lovely quiet between 7 and 8. Pyjamas on, homework done, DC fed, DS with DP, DD reading.
Do the girls not settle by a certain time.

I’m pretty sure most people would get annoyed if they were bothered every 20 minutes for something that could have been dealt with by the other parent, wasn’t worth interrupting, or couldn’t have waited til afterwards.

It depends if you are busy. Browsing the internet and faffing around but insisting to be left alone is a bit off.

It's a completely different message to say: do not disturb me when I am doing xyz (even if xyz takes 4 , 5 or 8 hours, even if you take a nap!) - teens of all working parents during the lockdown have got that,

and saying "do not disturb me, I am not doing anything but I don't want to see your face or hear you".

Just go for a walk. It's better for you anyway, and you come across a bit ...nicer.

I completely agree with you on the punishment side.

However you seem a bit dismissive of OP's downtime because its "internet browsing". Would it be different if she was doing a workout, reading a book,knitting,doing a puzzle ,playing or learning to play a musical instrument etc?

I'm thinking of the message sent to a child.

For example, saying this evening you are sewing/rehearsing/etc and for the next hour you specifically want no interruptions communicates the importance of interests, the importance of down time, acknowledges that your downtime matters, and also sets clear boundaries. You can still do your hobby for the evening, the children learn the value of respect but it comes from a position of 'parent is specifically doing X activity'.

Saying you want the sun room to yourself several evenings a week and don't want to be disturbed whilst youre just scrolling the internet sends a very different message to me, that the primary focus is to get away from children or partner. The message that sends to me is 'right now the aim of me being in this room is to get away from you'. If someone starts adding in do not disturb signs, locks and any of the other suggestions on this thread then I think the whole overall message is quite negative.

I would definately book into a B n B for a day occasionally or get an allotment...lol...use your mobile as a hotspot and browse internet. You will need a shed and some heat( generator). Or shed in garden? What about your loft? Could you 'hide' there? I am lucky to get a couple of hours peace every week on an evening when children are in bed. Do your children not go to bed? I take myself off for spaday once every 6 months! I would do it every month if I could. I usually have a massage and sleep for 10 hours!

I have had a word with them all and they've all promised to try to make more effort...it's like a poster said upthread, the more they interrupt, the longer I want to be alone...because I don't get that uninterrupted time.

I assured them all that it's nothing to do with them...they're wonderful...and they said that they all seem to just forget. They're so naturally sociable that they think of something and want to share it with me...but they'll stop.

If they manage it, I won't be out there for so long. An hour or two should be plenty of time for me to recharge.

@LucillevsLowkee - are you saying that the OP only gets time to herself if she is doing something worthwhile with it? Does the same apply to everyone in the family, or just her?

We all need down time, and if we want to spend some of it doing something mindless - if that helps us relax - what is wrong with that?

It depends if you are busy. Browsing the internet and faffing around but insisting to be left alone is a bit off.

It’s only off if you feel that alone time has to be something productive. It doesn’t btw. Not everyone wants to do something during their alone time especially if you spend most of your day doing something. As I said before, it is still her alone time and she can do what she pleases and should be able to do so uninterrupted. She has already said she is an introvert and NEEDS the time to herself while the rest of the family are extroverts. Her being able to do something uninterrupted even if it is browsing the Internet shouldn’t be ignored, eyerolled, or seen as odd because it’s not seemingly productive. Also, go for a walk? Really? Why again should someone have to leave their home to get a moment to themselves where they’re not interrupted. That is odd as well as ridiculous.

Glad to hear that they are going to try harder OP. Good Luck!