I probably am...about sitting on my own some evenings

[FortunesFave]

I like my own company a lot. So on some evenings, I choose to sit out in our sunroom (we're in Oz and it's a bit like a lean-to with windows) and just browse the internet.

I do this about 2-3 times per week.

Every time I do it, DH or the kids seem to take it in turns to come in and bother me about every 20 minutes.

one leaves and then the next one arrives. Kids are 16 and 12 so well old enough to understand people sometimes need solitude.

I DO spend one to one time with all of them...DH and I often sit in the garden together, have meals together, chat...the DD's also get time with me...I walk my younger part way to school every morning (her choice...yes, she's older than usual for that but we get a takeaway hot chocolate and I like the walk) We also spent quality time watching movies or just having a snack or shopping together...that goes for my older child.

WHY can't they fucking leave me alone on these nights then? I put up with it and then when I tell DH "I'd like to be on my own" he gets pissed off...without fail. He doesn't have a go but gets huffy.

The same with the kids. AIBU to want to spend some nights alone? YABU if I am and YANBU if I'm not.

I may go as far to tell them if they continue to disturb you then you will stop doing XX with them until they understand how important this is to you.
XX being what ever you decide is most reasonable for each person. For example if the 12 year interrupts you then don't get a hot chocolate on the way to school the next morning. Again explain why this is happening
Nice. Punish children for wanting to speak to their parent.

Then come on mumsnet in 5 years time wondering why the teenager doesn't confide in them because 'I'm always available for them, except the times I've wanted to block out family over the last few years. They can always talk to me as long as they don't need my emotional support on evenings that I'd rather browse the internet'

YANBU. Its why I love living on my own.

Tell them, and if they don't listen, take yourself off for a couple of days every few weeks.

I feel exactly the same way, i also love my own company but unfortunately my DCs are a lot younger and won’t even leave me to pee alone. You are totally reasonable in wanting this

I was an only child and I'd rather have spent time alone and doing my own thing than with other people. I really enjoy my own company alot too... Sometimes I'd like more time on my own but the bottom line is your a parent, even if they are older children... Your alone time has to wait. I can't see why you complain, they go to school and will one day move out.

I can't see why you complain, they go to school and will one day move out.

Maybe because she works full time while they are at school? It's not exactly free time is it?

I quite understand why you need solitude Op. I get sensory overload and can feel irritable if I don't have time alone on a regular basis. Fortunately my partner understands this but most people don't. I hope you will be able to persuade your family that it is a need and not a whim.

So basically you've got a household of clingons who won't take no for an answer.

Time to have another chat. Not a brief one but a full on "why do you never give me any space to myself and throw straw a strop when I try to enforce it?"

You need a proper answer and if he gets huffy just put your hand up and say: no, this is EXACTLY what I'm talking about so pack it in and give me a straight answer and if you can't give me one, go away and don't come back until you can".

He needs to understand that his neediness is not your problem to resolve, it's his and his lack of boundaries is rubbing off on the kids.

Re kids: just tell them: I need 2 hours to wind down each day to myself. It will start at X time. If you come in and ask me for anything that is not an absolute emergency I will send you away. This is called "boundaries" everyone has them so you need to learn this now." Every time they bother you point to your clock and say "No. Out you go" and repeat as necessary.

It will take a while but eventually they will get the message.

Tell DH that if he doesn't get the message you will take the time out of the house if necessary and mean it. Take a blanket and a hot drink and sit in the car if you have to.

Take it as a compliment

Anyway I know if dh did this it’d drive me crazy.

But logically wouldn’t you know your partner needs a certain amount of alone time and would have accepted this before you married them and went on to have children..?

Nice. Punish children for wanting to speak to their parent.

Dramatic much? They’re 12 and 16.

My parents would have thought something was legit wrong with me if I couldn’t occupy myself for an hour or more without needing them. I usually was out riding my bike at those ages sometimes popping to a friend’s house and as long as I was back before dark and whatever chores and homework was done, there was no issues. Or, I was somewhere in the house reading a book, playing a computer game, maybe watch a bit of tv that I knew only I enjoyed while everyone did their own thing. We still had family time but we also respected each other’s time to be alone.

@Macncheeseballs

Take it as a compliment

She should take her needs being ignored and bot met as a compliment? Would you say the same if they ate all the food she cooked barely leaving her any because it's just so delicious? Or borrowing all her good clothes because she has such good taste?

Definitely NBU!
Call them and say you have video footage of the guy waiting less than 30 seconds. They may arrange to collect again free of charge!

Sorry I’m new to this. What do DH and DD mean?

Lol sounds like me, I have three children and a hubby who near enough follow me everywhere. I use to feel so bad when I would huff and puff when they disturbed my peace but it’s simply dealt with. I brought the family together and told them that mummy needs some alone time to relax and recharge to help her be a better mummy / wife. I told them that it will help me to have more energy when dealing with them. It did help, although my 5 year old still comes in to ask for things but now they are well aware that I need my time alone.

I totally get this. I like alone time too and more importantly silence! I get very grumpy when I get interrupted. Just tell them to leave you alone. Set them a timer say for an hour (or however long you need).

@FortunesFave

2-3 hours a week seems quite a lot of “leave me alone and do not converse with me” time

Do you honestly think that? I think it's fuck all. It's NOTHING! There are so many hours in a day....why would people think that's a lot. I can't imagine how some couples and families manage if that's considered a lot.

I think 2-3 hours a WEEK is nothing. I need at least 2 hours a day on my own.

YANBU - everyone needs some time to do things that recharges their batteries. Do DH or DC’s have hobbies they do alone? Could you just tell them your practicing mindfulness or meditation and need silence and to be undisturbed for X amount of time?

I can relate. It's just me and DH at home but I sometimes go for a drive/ visit Aldi for bits - just to get some time to myself though DH is very good and makes copious tea.

When he worked it he was out of the house for 12 hours daily and I got used to being on my own.

I totally get it. My kids are younger at 5, 8 and 11. All boys and all on some sort of roundabout of need, one after the other 🤣 and they do not take a hint. My youngest is also autistic.

You see I get the people that are saying that you shouldn’t discourage your kids from talking to you or spending time with you, but this isn’t even about that. Kids need to know that adults have choices too, after all, I would put money on it that they aren’t always there interrupting your solitude, for any specific reason every time. Also, excuse me, but what’s their father? Scotch Mist?! That’s the bit that always irks me the most, the fact that people will think you selfish for wanting an hour or two, 2-3 nights a week to just be YOU. Why is that seen as selfish? You are the centre of the house, clearly. That doesn’t meant you have to be solely on call for all needs 24-7. You and you husband should be putting in 100% each...not you working past capacity and your husband chipping in as and when. Why doesn’t he use that time to interact with them? I absolutely think you are right to make them aware they can talk to you when they need you, but when it is your time to be in your own space, they must respect that. How would they like it if they were trying to watch something or gaming and you kept going and interrupting that? I’d hazard a guess that it wouldn’t go down well. Maybe try that for a week and see how they respond? Good luck Op.

Could you just tell them your practicing mindfulness or meditation and need silence and to be undisturbed for X amount of time?

Yes, lie to your family because you want to spend three nights a week browsing the internet. Great advice

@Tiggy321

I totally get this. I like alone time too and more importantly silence! I get very grumpy when I get interrupted. Just tell them to leave you alone. Set them a timer say for an hour (or however long you need).

Oh God yes,the silence. I don't even put the tv on during the week just in case there's a chance of complete silence before DD goes to bed.

I know it can be a nuisance when you want some peace and quiet on your own but you should enjoy feeling wanted/needed as once they have left home you will probably feel very lonely & miss them terribly. I think it really hits you hardest when the last one leaves. Don't be too hard on them.

I’m an extrovert, I had 4 kids on purpose because I liked the noise and bustle and I have a clingy husband 😂 even so I like it when he occasionally beggars off to his friends and the kids are asleep and I just get to sit in silence. I get pissed off when he arrives early and wants to talk about whatever he’s been doing in great detail. YANBU.

@YouKidsIsCrazy

Could you just tell them your practicing mindfulness or meditation and need silence and to be undisturbed for X amount of time?

Yes, lie to your family because you want to spend three nights a week browsing the internet. Great advice

Indeed. How sad and desperate it would be for OP to have to resort to lying just to have her needs respected,accepted and met by her own family.

Indeed. How sad and desperate it would be for OP to have to resort to lying just to have her needs respected,accepted and met by her own family

I think you mean how sad and desperate it is to try and hide away from your children and family so much. Sad for the children whos mother can't even bear to speak to them for half of the week

I was an only child and quite happy to be alone, but I had 3 small people and life is chaos. I have very little time on my own and when I tried to read quietly in lockdown it didn't happen, now we have family reading time and snuggle up which I love.
It is hard to have alone time but this time when the small people want to engage is so fleeting.
I have so many memories of my mum flapping her hand so I would go away, I don't want to be like her.