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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I should do about my cleaner

228 replies

Crinkletinkle · 03/11/2020 09:38

So I've just got a message from my cleaner saying she had come to my house to clean but it was in such a messy state that she walked out, and that she has decided to finish working for me.

Background is - she has been cleaning weekly for me for just over a year. I normally spend about about 20 minutes tidying things away prior to her coming though sometimes I don't if I run out of time. She hasn't mentioned it previously if I haven't tidied. She blitzes the house for a couple of hours and then if there is time she'll do extra things eg folding washing or changing sheets. She does a fantastic job and I really like her. I work full time with a long commute and am a single mum, so I really appreciate having a great cleaner.

She had a death in the family 3 weeks ago and messaged me saying she was not up to cleaning. I messaged back saying I hoped she was ok and to take the time she needed.

She hadn't texted to let me know she was coming this week so I'd assumed she wasn't. The house was definitely less tidy than it normally is - we had had friends with 4 extra children under 6 staying over during the weekend so furniture had been moved, there were still toys in the living room and pots and pans soaking in the kitchen. I'd planned to have a tidy up the previous evening but we'd had a car accident and I didn't get a chance.

She is a great cleaner and I hate the process of finding a new cleaner. I don't want to put her under more stress though. Would it be pushy to ask her to reconsider?

OP posts:
Binsella · 03/11/2020 15:58

@SpeccyLime I think she’s probably been under more pressure than usual due to the events of the past few months but is also probably in the midst of a cloud of grief, as most people would be a couple of weeks after a family member passes away. I think it’s completely understandable to hit a wall and lose it in those circumstances.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 16:09

@flaviaritt

She didn't want to be employed, that's the whole point. She quit.

I agree. My point is that I wouldn’t be trying to hire her back. Nor would I be apologising to her.

It’s irrelevant . You’re not the op. The op does want her back.
flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 16:18

Bluntness100

You’re right, but I think if you are taking issue with someone for answering ‘neither’ when asked whether the OP should do A or B, you are ignoring large parts of your own posting history, no?

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 16:24

The op didn’t ask if she should do a or b Confused

copperoliver · 03/11/2020 16:27

I'd message her and ask her to reconsider and explain that you wasn't expecting her ect. X

SpeccyLime · 03/11/2020 16:28

I think she’s probably been under more pressure than usual due to the events of the past few months but is also probably in the midst of a cloud of grief, as most people would be a couple of weeks after a family member passes away. I think it’s completely understandable to hit a wall and lose it in those circumstances.

I do understand this. And that’s why if she asked for her job back, I would expect OP to show compassion and understanding. But I don’t think it puts any onus on OP to send an apology to her cleaner when she hasn’t herself done anything wrong, as many posters have suggested she should. And for me personally, I wouldn’t be asking her to return to work. I would accept that she had made her decision (and communicated it in a particularly rude way) and I would find an alternative cleaner. I wouldn’t want to invite that drama back into my life unless the author of it was willing to acknowledge their part in it and ask for another chance.

SpeccyLime · 03/11/2020 16:29

(And just to be clear, I think OP is exhibiting plenty of compassion and understanding here, and I don’t know why in the face of that some posters are accusing her of living in a disgusting midden and taking advantage of her cleaner)

DisgruntledGuineaPig · 03/11/2020 16:39

Thing is op, I do understand the need to "fix" this, to make your cleaner at least not be angry at you, even if she won't want to work for you again.

But you don't need to. Let her think what she likes, it doesn't really matter what she thinks about you.

Get your housekeys back ASAP, hire another cleaner.

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 16:42

Bluntness100

The title of the AIBU is ‘what should I do?’ So I have (and will freely) say what I think she should do. Not sure why you are making it a bit issue.

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 16:43

*big

supersonicginandtonic · 03/11/2020 16:50

Why did you have so many people staying over when you are not supposed to be meeting with more than 6 indoors?

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 16:57

I also think she’s quit and that’s it, and there is no point begging, but the op wants her back, which I understand. A good cleaner is like gold dust. And the op says this lady was fantastic.

But she’s quit and for me that would be it. All the op can do is explain the mess and ask if she wishes to reconsider, but if she says no accept it. I suspect she will say no. As said, it would be very rare for someone to quit over one episode of messiness, if otherwise a good client. So I’d guess although she’s not said anything before, she’s had it now and is out.

PegasusReturns · 03/11/2020 17:00

On the basis that you want her back I’d text her very briefly saying apologising and explaining the house was a mess because you weren’t expecting her, let her know a you’re sorry to lose her and keep the door open if she’d like to return at some point.

I suspect one of two things are going on:

Either she is still struggling with her loss and this was the final straw
Or
She’s wanted to quit cleaning your house for a while and the sheer scale of the mess has enabled her to do so with a clear conscious. Only you know whether you’re slovenly or your cleaner has unrealistic requirements.

Binsella · 03/11/2020 17:03

@SpeccyLime completely agree that the OP shouldn’t be apologising, she hasn’t done anything wrong. I also probably wouldn’t actively be asking for her to come back either. But given the cleaner’s current circumstances, and that her resignation was based on something that was a misunderstanding, I would definitely make the effort to at least discuss it with her and allow for her to have a change of heart, if she wanted to resolve it and come back. I wouldn’t need an apology myself, I don’t think things are as black and white as other posters and I don’t think someone has to be wrong or be blamed. I think that sometimes there are just shitty circumstances and misunderstandings and it is possible to move past them with better communication. I especially think it is worth it when someone has always done a good job and it’s not their usual behaviour.

Binsella · 03/11/2020 17:07

@SpeccyLime also agree with you about OP, she seems like a kind and decent person.

Bluntness100 · 03/11/2020 17:16

I’d also add here, it seems the op wants the cleaner back. The cleaner does not appear to want to come back. The op has the greater need here.

LazyFace · 03/11/2020 17:20

One day I may understand why people need to clean before a cleaner arrives. Surely she's have just spend the normal time there tackling whatever can be. Is washing up not part of a cleaner's job? (It's even considered light housework for an au-pair unlike cleaning windows for example.)

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 17:27

I’d also add here, it seems the op wants the cleaner back. The cleaner does not appear to want to come back. The op has the greater need here.

Then if she is that keen, she should apologise even though she did nothing wrong, and expect similar treatment next time. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Binsella · 03/11/2020 17:30

@lazyface from what I have heard from friends who have done cleaning jobs, I think a big part of the frustration of having to do lots of tidying when it’s not a usual part of the allocated hours is that many employers then still expect their house to be cleaned to the same standard, they don’t appreciate what a huge chunk of the cleaner’s time it can take up making the place workable. Then they get funny with the cleaner and start saying that they’re not cleaning properly, not doing it thoroughly enough etc.
Cleaners usually quote for the hours required to just clean, but when the employer requires extra hours for tidying too they don’t want to stump up the extra cash (not saying this is the case with OP or the case for everyone, this is just based on what cleaners local to me have said).

TrevorSimon · 03/11/2020 17:31

Perhaps has some thing to do with the fact you were breaking the rule of 6?

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 17:36

TrevorSimon

The OP lives in New Zealand.

Mummadeeze · 03/11/2020 17:46

The cleaner was in the wrong, the only reason I think she might deserve a second chance is because of her behaving out of character due to grief. I expect my cleaner to tidy a bit or do some washing up. That isn’t out of the ordinary. If she was unhappy with the state of the house, I would expect her to give me feedback, not just quit with no notice.

YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 17:46

Perhaps has some thing to do with the fact you were breaking the rule of 6?

Or you were breaking the rule of reading the thread before commenting?

Tootsey11 · 03/11/2020 17:51

@Lazyface you are not understanding the difference between tidying and cleaning.

As a cleaner you are there to wash surfaces, dust, hoover etc.

If a house is a bombsite, with stuff lying everywhere, then you spend a good chunk of time lifting stuff to get to those surfaces to clean.

I can understand were this cleaner was coming from, I've been there. Thankfully my clients are respectful of me and unsure their houses are reasonably tidy so that I can do my job.

SpeccyLime · 03/11/2020 17:54

As @supersonicginandtonic and @TrevorSimon have so ably proven, some posters will find any excuse for a pile on and something so simple as actually reading the thread and knowing what is going on isn’t going to stop them...