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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what I should do about my cleaner

228 replies

Crinkletinkle · 03/11/2020 09:38

So I've just got a message from my cleaner saying she had come to my house to clean but it was in such a messy state that she walked out, and that she has decided to finish working for me.

Background is - she has been cleaning weekly for me for just over a year. I normally spend about about 20 minutes tidying things away prior to her coming though sometimes I don't if I run out of time. She hasn't mentioned it previously if I haven't tidied. She blitzes the house for a couple of hours and then if there is time she'll do extra things eg folding washing or changing sheets. She does a fantastic job and I really like her. I work full time with a long commute and am a single mum, so I really appreciate having a great cleaner.

She had a death in the family 3 weeks ago and messaged me saying she was not up to cleaning. I messaged back saying I hoped she was ok and to take the time she needed.

She hadn't texted to let me know she was coming this week so I'd assumed she wasn't. The house was definitely less tidy than it normally is - we had had friends with 4 extra children under 6 staying over during the weekend so furniture had been moved, there were still toys in the living room and pots and pans soaking in the kitchen. I'd planned to have a tidy up the previous evening but we'd had a car accident and I didn't get a chance.

She is a great cleaner and I hate the process of finding a new cleaner. I don't want to put her under more stress though. Would it be pushy to ask her to reconsider?

OP posts:
YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 11:25

Apologise for what? Not tidying up for someone who hadn't said they were coming?
Wouldn't be the answer if it was a MIL instead of a cleaner....

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 11:26

not everyone needs someone to come crawling back, apologising and begging for forgiveness. I can imagine you need it though, it would be another reason to lord it over them, wouldn’t it?

I’m not rising to this. If the cleaner has been short, rude or unreasonable because she has had a hard time recently, it is not for the OP to apologise to her. At the moment she has resigned. I would leave it at that.

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 11:27

But her cleaner quit. That was her choice. If she wants a second chance isn’t it up to her to apologise and ask for it?

Exactly. She didn’t like the mess and quit. I’m not sure why everyone is suddenly imagining she is the little matchstick girl.

Anordinarymum · 03/11/2020 11:29

@flaviaritt

But her cleaner quit. That was her choice. If she wants a second chance isn’t it up to her to apologise and ask for it?

Exactly. She didn’t like the mess and quit. I’m not sure why everyone is suddenly imagining she is the little matchstick girl.

Leave it. Walk away from the thread. Now. Do not look back.. do not pass go.. I have taken the money :)
Winterterrace · 03/11/2020 11:29

I’d send an card (or a text if you don’t have her address) saying that you appreciate the work she’s done for you over the past x months, that you’re sorry she faced the mess and that it wasn’t intentionally left for her (you didn’t think she was coming this week.) That you didn’t mean to offend her, especially when you know she’s been dealing with a family loss. That you don’t want to end things on a bad note and that you wish her well.

If she chooses to she can contact you after that ^. If she doesn’t at least it won’t be awkward if you bump into her and, if you live in a smallish place, she won’t be badmouthing you to other prospective cleaners.

I was always taught as a child that cleaners clean they’re not there to tidy up after you. As an adult I know that it’s a lot quicker to clean a tidy space.

CleverCatty · 03/11/2020 11:30

I personally think there's no harm in cleaners tidying a little bit - whenever I had cleaners in the past - I tried to tidy up but one cleaner I had was great - she cleaned 'and' tided but I paid her more for doing this - but had a DH and cats at the time.

I do know lots of people who tidy before cleaner comes. DM has a cleaner and she's not messy but leaves stuff around - cleaner always knows to clean around that and understands.

In this case sounds like straw which broke camel's back.

Also here - the extra messiness sounds like a one off - cleaner does sound a bit Hmm re death in family - you've given her time off - at our work a relative died of one staff member and she has a few days off.

burnoutbabe · 03/11/2020 11:31

i;d ask her to reconsider. (which was your actual question)

Say you are sorry you didn't realise she was coming so the place was not ready for her. (my cleaner would have also asked where the cash was! and never comes before confirming time/date a few days before)

If she doesn't accept a sorry, then so be it. But could all be resolved.

(you do say you do a 20 min tidy up IF YOU HAVE TIME, which suggests you dont' do that if you do not), I always have a blitz of all the areas i know cleaner will clean, put bins out/all in one big bin. get dishwasher on, everything off kitchen/bathroom surface etc.

Binsella · 03/11/2020 11:32

@flaviaritt I never said the OP should apologise. I’ve actually very clearly stated she shouldn’t.

BUT the OP should judge the cleaner on her past behaviour, not one solitary incident. Especially when the cleaner would appear to be going through some really difficult times.

They should just have an adult discussion, talk about how the wires were crossed and either move forward together or apart. But there’s no need for drama, or declarations along the lines of ‘how DARE the CLEANER talk to me that way’.

She’s self employed, so like it or not, she can do what she likes. And it sounds like she wasn’t rude, just matter of fact. It just feels personal because it’s OP’s home, but it’s not personal to the cleaner, it’s her workplace.

seayork2020 · 03/11/2020 11:33

She has resigned, i would leave it alone she's have felt it was the last straw in a long line of things or not but she left for her own reasons

Original poster
Crinkletinkle · 03/11/2020 11:36

Thanks very much for the perspectives, they are helpful.

Just to be clear, she didn't text me to let me know she was coming. She sometimes texts but not always and I had assumed she wouldn't be coming.

The house is usually tidy - very occasionally it's not, and I always tidy it if I know she is coming as I think that is the best use her time as a cleaner. But it has never been as bad as this before. If I had known she was coming I still would not have been able to tidy due to our car accident the previous evening, but I could have let her know about the mess and checked whether she wanted to come a different day.

@CatsOutOfTheBag - we are in NZ not the UK, so the bubble rules aren't a factor.

@Calmandmeasured1 - that is thoughtful and compassionate advice, I think that's what I'll do.

OP posts:
arewethere · 03/11/2020 11:36

@contrmary

Cleaner walks out because she might have to actually do some cleaning?! Honestly, you're better off without her.
Hang on, she's paid to clean. She's not a tidy up and put away person she's there to clean. It's very difficult to clean if there's clutter and mess all around. I have a cleaner and make sure that everything is put away the night before so she can Hoover and wash floors without having to pick up toys first. I don't think OP is out of order as life sometimes gets in the way but I don't think you should insinuate the cleaner is lazy when she can't clean for clutter. Just my two pennies worth
ExConstance · 03/11/2020 11:37

I'm surprised how any on MN do not really value their cleaners. OP seems to book her for 2 hours or at the most three and expect her to clean a family home? If I had to leave my home in more of a state than usual then I'd contact the cleaner before she arrived to explain. Cleaners are employed to clean, not tidy,. My house is left in a very tidy condition each week and |my cleaner works flat out for three hours to ensure kitchen, living room, study and two bedrooms (plus en suite and bathroom) are clean and sparkly. It is just the two of us living in the house and we both work. If I did anything at all which upset the cleaner I'd be mortified. A good cleaner is very hard to find and needs to be nurtured!

Eddielzzard · 03/11/2020 11:37

I'd say 'I'm really sorry I didn't know you were coming or I would have tidied as I usually do. I understand your position, but I hope you'll reconsider. Take care' and then you've explained yourself, and given her the option to change her mind. Sounds like she's been thinking about it for a while but didn't say.

AllAboutHallowsEve · 03/11/2020 11:44

"I'm sorry to hear you no longer want to work for me. I didn't know you were coming, otherwise I would have tidied beforehand. I do appreciate the hard work you've done over the past year. Let me know by Monday if you'd like to reconsider. Many thanks"

YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 11:52

Hang on, she's paid to clean. She's not a tidy up and put away person she's there to clean. It's very difficult to clean if there's clutter and mess all around. I have a cleaner and make sure that everything is put away the night before so she can Hoover and wash floors without having to pick up toys first.

Do you make sure everything is put away when you don't know she's coming?

oakleaffy · 03/11/2020 11:54

@contrmary

Cleaner walks out because she might have to actually do some cleaning?! Honestly, you're better off without her.
Cleaners clean they don't tidy. I only know this as mum had a cleaner, and we had to tidy everything before our Cleaner came. Mum said {Name} cleans, she cannot do that if your stuff is all over the surfaces or floor.

Cleaners hoover, wash floors and dust...polish furniture if necessary.

Washing up in the sink is pretty gross too..
Good cleaners are rare, and need respect.

I knew a woman who had to clean, and she said ''You'd not realise how dirty some people are...''

Nomorepies · 03/11/2020 11:58

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

flaviaritt · 03/11/2020 11:59

She’s self employed, so like it or not, she can do what she likes.

Of course she can. And she quit.

ksa103 · 03/11/2020 12:03

Are you allowed that many people staying in your home?

ZoeTurtle · 03/11/2020 12:04

I'm surprised how any on MN do not really value their cleaners. OP seems to book her for 2 hours or at the most three and expect her to clean a family home? If I had to leave my home in more of a state than usual then I'd contact the cleaner before she arrived to explain

What, even when you don't know the cleaner is coming because she hasn't bothered to tell you? Gosh, you really are a superior human.

Original poster
Crinkletinkle · 03/11/2020 12:06

@ksa103

Are you allowed that many people staying in your home?
Yes, I am in NZ so we don't have restrictions at the moment.
OP posts:
CheetasOnFajitas · 03/11/2020 12:08

She is having a hard time due to the bereavement and has behaved bizarrely- she will know in her heart of hearts that it was unreasonable for her to have expected the place to be tidy when you had no idea she was coming.

A friendly text along the lines of AllAboutHallowsEve’s suggestion might help you both move past it. If not, you just have to chalk it up to miscommunication and find a new cleaner. But don’t feel guilty towards her, you have done nothing wrong.

Original poster
Crinkletinkle · 03/11/2020 12:09

@Winterterrace

I’d send an card (or a text if you don’t have her address) saying that you appreciate the work she’s done for you over the past x months, that you’re sorry she faced the mess and that it wasn’t intentionally left for her (you didn’t think she was coming this week.) That you didn’t mean to offend her, especially when you know she’s been dealing with a family loss. That you don’t want to end things on a bad note and that you wish her well.

If she chooses to she can contact you after that ^. If she doesn’t at least it won’t be awkward if you bump into her and, if you live in a smallish place, she won’t be badmouthing you to other prospective cleaners.

I was always taught as a child that cleaners clean they’re not there to tidy up after you. As an adult I know that it’s a lot quicker to clean a tidy space.

Thanks @Winterterrace , that seems a good idea.
OP posts:
81Byerley · 03/11/2020 12:10

I was a cleaner, and although it was always easier to clean a tidy house, I often had to tidy before I could clean. What she has forgotten is that though your house is her place of work, primarily it's your home, and how you live is nothing to do with her. My clients who were tidy just had more done for them, simply because I could just get on and clean, and usually had time to clean a couple of windows , sweep and scrub a balcony, clean the front door, etc.. The untidy ones came home to a clean (and tidy) house, but I didn't have time for extras.
I'd be inclined to text thanking her for her hard work, and then move on and find someone else.

Pumpertrumper · 03/11/2020 12:12

@SpeccyLime

Genuinely didn’t mean it in a bad way. My house gets gross too. Kids and jobs and pets do that. No judgment from me!