To ask her to go back to sitting in the back of the car?

[Reesewitherknife]

For the last two years I have been a driver for a disabled lady. I drive her to a day centre which is an hours drive away and collect her at the end of the day which is another hours drive back. She has physical difficulties but no learning difficulties or mental health issues.
Before lockdown/Covid everything was good. She would sit in the front passenger seat next to me, no issues.
However, when we resumed after lockdown (in July) we both agreed to wear masks and went with the government guidelines which was that she would sit in the back of the car, we would both wear face masks and I would drive with the windows open to reduce any infection risk as much as possible. I was and am still very keen to do this as I look after my elderly mum who has Alzheimer’s and a chronic blood cancer which obviously puts her in the vulnerable category.
All seemed ok for a while, we would chat on our journey as before.
However, over the last couple of weeks it had become apparent that she has been very unhappy with me and I couldn’t work out why. She would regularly ignore me where’s previous we had a good relationship. She wouldn’t answer me when I ask her what’s wrong or would snap that she was ok. I tried talking about things as I usually would and ask questions etc but we would often drive in silence which I find very stressful and uncomfortable. She was like a stroppy teen for reasons I couldn’t get to the bottom off. I started worrying she was unwell or unhappy in her life.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I found out the reason for her behaviour. I noticed on her Facebook timeline she had written ‘I STILL have to sit in the back of MY own car whilst my PA drives me’ cue angry face emoji. That afternoon when I picked her up she got in the back of the car and shouted ‘Great another FUCKING journey in the back of this car’. I said that I was sorry she was unhappy but we had agreed to go with the government guidelines and I wanted to ensure we were both protected as much as possible. She then said that she had found out her disabled friend didn’t have to sit in the back of his car with his PA or wear a mask and she didn’t see why she should, I said well that’s their decision but it’s going against the guidelines and I’m trying to adhere to them especially as we are in a tier 2 area. She didn’t talk to me on the journey home that day!
I’ve ignored the fact she swore at me but am quite upset about that as I have always treated her with kindness and respect and would hope for the same.
I stressed all weekend over that as I hate the uncomfortable atmosphere so text her and said that if she really wanted to sit in the front that much then that was up to her as it’s her car. She sent back a smiling thank you emoji!
So last week she sat in the front. She was as happy as Larry and chatty as fuck, like a kid who had gotten her own way!
However now with the new lockdown rules coming into place I’m thinking I jumped the gun a bit. I just didn’t want the uncomfortable silence. Maybe I should have been firmer?
At the moment I need this job as I don’t yet get carers allowance for looking a after my mum.
Should I just suck it up, allow her in the front and hope for the best? I don’t know what to do. Maybe Covid is stressing me out so much that I making too much of this and her sitting in the front isn’t much different from her in the back?

Although the money is provided by the local authority the employer is the Disabled Person. Social Services will not get involved as they are not the employer and this is an employment issue

It may also be that the disabled person has savings over the limit and they are paying the PA out of their own money.
PIP is not means-tested, the mobility part could pay for the motability vehicle, but the disabled person is not necessarily paying her PA from funds outside her own pocket.

Again thanks for your input and info. DH had told me just to put up with it and that’s the sort of thing which happens at work. I started to doubt myself and thought I was over reacting.

I think you have done what you can, and I would absolutely be looking for alternative employment.

I don’t think it’s the sort of thing that happens at work (I’m not a PA), what happens at work is we follow the guidance and minimise all contact.
I would strongly suggest telling her you can’t work like this as it’s against the risk assessment and if she wants you to drive her it’s as per the guidance only.

Start looking for a new job Op as she sounds totally unreasonable and as she's your employer, you really don't have anywhere else to go with it. Good luck!

I don't understand why you tried to persuade her, rather than simply say you wanted to stick to the risk assessment.

More fool you, indeed.

SengaMac You are right, of course. I totally appreciate that I have made a rod for my own back but the reason I backed down was simply because she was making the work environment so uncomfortable for several weeks until I found out the reason for her moody silences and snappiness. No excuse but I am currently at breaking point with my own personal stresses (mum with Alzheimer’s, grieving over the loss of my mil 8 weeks ago from a horrible disease and my own personal health issues). I just wanted to make things easier for myself and as much as I want to tell her to stick the job I can’t atm. So yes, more fool me, sadly.

AND it doesn't sound like your DH is particularly supportive if he's told you to just suck it up.

I hope you get your carer's allowance and/or find another position soon so you can sack this one off.

From your link Patricia

Car sharing
It is difficult to socially distance during car journeys. You should avoid sharing a car with someone from outside your household or your support bubble unless you can practise social distancing. You can reduce the risk of transmission by:

opening windows for ventilation
travelling side by side or behind other people, rather than facing them, where seating arrangements allow
facing away from each other
considering seating arrangements to maximise distance between people in the vehicle
cleaning your car between journeys using standard cleaning products - make sure you clean door handles and other areas that people may touch
asking the driver and passengers to wear a face covering

FYI it does not sound like you are an employee. Unless you are getting payslips that clearly show taxes being deducted from your hourly rate before it is paid to you - you are self employed. You should be filing a tax return every year and paying taxes.

Unless you have other employment (where you are most definitely an employee, not self-employed) or claim child benefit, you may be missing years of NIC contributions, which could affect your state pension.

@LonelyFromCorona

FYI it does not sound like you are an employee. Unless you are getting payslips that clearly show taxes being deducted from your hourly rate before it is paid to you - you are self employed. You should be filing a tax return every year and paying taxes.

Unless you have other employment (where you are most definitely an employee, not self-employed) or claim child benefit, you may be missing years of NIC contributions, which could affect your state pension.

The OP has stated that she is an employee (as she legally has to be in this kind of scenario) and that she receives payslips. Whether she is liable for national insurance/tax depends on whether she is earning above the Lower Earnings Level or not.

It sounds to me that she is on a direct payments package of support. The gets an amount of money which she can use to procure care and support, and she can chose to top this up with her own money.
It sounds to me that op is legally an employee - op works under her instruction, uses her equipment (the car) whether she gets a payslip /tax deducted etc.
She has legal obligations to the op whether she knows it or likes it. She also at be legally liable for injury to her employees while undertaking duties - does she have employee liability insurance ?
Also if social services are funding her direct payments they may have some obligation that the budget holder complies with the law.

If her mother does the day to day admin perhaps it might be worth nicely explaining the situation she may understand and explain the situation to her daughter.

However I think op would be well advised to start looking for another job

YANBU!

Please don't tolerate this. As you've pointed out, it's putting you, your mum at ridiculous unnecessary risk.

She may have her own emotional issues... But these are irrelevant in the service of your safety.

You're being treated appallingly. Being disabled doesn't give her the right to treat you like this. (I have disabilities, and am in continuous pain, I never speak to anyone like this!)

I would throw as much time as you can at getting attendance /carers, so at least will take pressure off you a little.

If you (normally) like this sort of work, why don't you advertise yourself as an independent PA? State in the ad you will be keeping to local and national laws/guidelines... I can't see you won't have work - good PAs are massively diffocult to find.

I have never treated her like a disabled person

What the hell would that be exactly? How would you treat a disabled person? What is different about how you would treat a disabled person compared to any other person that you think you deserve credit for resisting your ableism on this occasion?

How revealing of your true feelings about disability that you would say such a thing.

This captures your grim attitude and lack of empathy towards this woman well.

You have posted identifying information.

She will be able to identify herself from all the detail you have shared of her life and personal circumstances.

Her parents will be able to identify her.

Her friends will be able to identify her.

People you've discussed this with will be able to identify her.

And you've been on here slagging her off, calling her names, othering her for being disabled, making ableist comments, inviting others to pass judgement on her life and judging her yourself.

And all over you enforcing a rule you've invented (as evidenced by pp). Then for you to think you can instruct her not to talk to you now too!

Hardly the moral high ground. I hope she takes action against you for your appalling conduct.

Shame on you.

I’d probably try and come to some sort of compromise, masks or shields in the front? Sanitising before getting in and not touching anything? The relationship will sour anyway if things continue as they are and if you really need to keep the job. Though if she has no learning disability she should be able to understand your reasoning. Good luck.

OP, I'm really angry on your behalf.

If you told her you won't drive her outside of the agreed risk assessment, then I bet she would back down. You should not have to put up with this.

Call the acas helpline for advice. Then tell her what they said to you.

If you lose your job over this (resignation or dismissal) then you'd have a tribunal case against her.

@user65423546256

I have never treated her like a disabled person

What the hell would that be exactly? How would you treat a disabled person? What is different about how you would treat a disabled person compared to any other person that you think you deserve credit for resisting your ableism on this occasion?

How revealing of your true feelings about disability that you would say such a thing.

This captures your grim attitude and lack of empathy towards this woman well.

You have posted identifying information.

She will be able to identify herself from all the detail you have shared of her life and personal circumstances.

Her parents will be able to identify her.

Her friends will be able to identify her.

People you've discussed this with will be able to identify her.

And you've been on here slagging her off, calling her names, othering her for being disabled, making ableist comments, inviting others to pass judgement on her life and judging her yourself.

And all over you enforcing a rule you've invented (as evidenced by pp). Then for you to think you can instruct her not to talk to you now too!

Hardly the moral high ground. I hope she takes action against you for your appalling conduct.

Shame on you.

'user' the lady in question is obviously OK about this being discussed on social media given that she's posted about it on her own Facebook. Op could be anywhere at all in the UK, her posts not identifying at all!

you think you deserve credit for resisting your ableism on this occasion? - I think the OP deserves credit for not telling her to stick the job. Why does being disabled give you a free pass to talk to employees like dirt?

PatriciaPerch yes I have read your link thank you, I had read that thoroughly a few weeks ago. It makes sense if there is a vehicle with four seats and only two passengers that during a pandemic you maximise social distance as much as possible and surely that means one driving and the other should travel in the back. Of course we are in one car so there is a risk there full stop but why add to the risk by both sitting side by side when there is a perfectly usable vacant seat behind?
user65423546256 I know I am a good person who treats people well and with respect, regardless of the things you have said. I have seen first hand how some members of the general public treat disabled people and I am not one of them, so misread into my post as much as you want. My post does not mention names, venues or areas of residence, I could be residing anywhere in the world, however the angry statement about me on Facebook identified me to many and made me out to be the one making up the rules. I did not make up the rules and if you believe that then up you obviously have been a bit out of touch with world events recently. Keeping safe as possible the lady I work for, myself and my family is paramount in my eyes. And I haven’t ‘instructed’ her to not to talk to me, you appear very adept at misreading my thread.

I am curious as to what you would do if she HAD to sit in the front.

I do, there is no rear seat in my car (taken up with wheelchairs) and the rear seats in any case do not go back far enough to let me get in/out with dislocating my hip.

Plenty of people can't travel in the back due to car sickness, something else I still suffer from and being sick daily is not ideal if you take lots of oral medication.

(This is all entirely moot, as I would not be able to employ a driver who was mixing with as many people as you are anyway, so I'd have terminated your employment at the start of lockdown and shielding).

WiddlinDiddlin But in my reality there is a four seater car!

@WiddlinDiddlin

I am curious as to what you would do if she HAD to sit in the front.

I do, there is no rear seat in my car (taken up with wheelchairs) and the rear seats in any case do not go back far enough to let me get in/out with dislocating my hip.

Plenty of people can't travel in the back due to car sickness, something else I still suffer from and being sick daily is not ideal if you take lots of oral medication.

(This is all entirely moot, as I would not be able to employ a driver who was mixing with as many people as you are anyway, so I'd have terminated your employment at the start of lockdown and shielding).

Actually the woman who employs her is mixing with far more people as she's going to a day centre 3 times a week.