To ask her to go back to sitting in the back of the car?

[Reesewitherknife]

For the last two years I have been a driver for a disabled lady. I drive her to a day centre which is an hours drive away and collect her at the end of the day which is another hours drive back. She has physical difficulties but no learning difficulties or mental health issues.
Before lockdown/Covid everything was good. She would sit in the front passenger seat next to me, no issues.
However, when we resumed after lockdown (in July) we both agreed to wear masks and went with the government guidelines which was that she would sit in the back of the car, we would both wear face masks and I would drive with the windows open to reduce any infection risk as much as possible. I was and am still very keen to do this as I look after my elderly mum who has Alzheimer’s and a chronic blood cancer which obviously puts her in the vulnerable category.
All seemed ok for a while, we would chat on our journey as before.
However, over the last couple of weeks it had become apparent that she has been very unhappy with me and I couldn’t work out why. She would regularly ignore me where’s previous we had a good relationship. She wouldn’t answer me when I ask her what’s wrong or would snap that she was ok. I tried talking about things as I usually would and ask questions etc but we would often drive in silence which I find very stressful and uncomfortable. She was like a stroppy teen for reasons I couldn’t get to the bottom off. I started worrying she was unwell or unhappy in her life.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I found out the reason for her behaviour. I noticed on her Facebook timeline she had written ‘I STILL have to sit in the back of MY own car whilst my PA drives me’ cue angry face emoji. That afternoon when I picked her up she got in the back of the car and shouted ‘Great another FUCKING journey in the back of this car’. I said that I was sorry she was unhappy but we had agreed to go with the government guidelines and I wanted to ensure we were both protected as much as possible. She then said that she had found out her disabled friend didn’t have to sit in the back of his car with his PA or wear a mask and she didn’t see why she should, I said well that’s their decision but it’s going against the guidelines and I’m trying to adhere to them especially as we are in a tier 2 area. She didn’t talk to me on the journey home that day!
I’ve ignored the fact she swore at me but am quite upset about that as I have always treated her with kindness and respect and would hope for the same.
I stressed all weekend over that as I hate the uncomfortable atmosphere so text her and said that if she really wanted to sit in the front that much then that was up to her as it’s her car. She sent back a smiling thank you emoji!
So last week she sat in the front. She was as happy as Larry and chatty as fuck, like a kid who had gotten her own way!
However now with the new lockdown rules coming into place I’m thinking I jumped the gun a bit. I just didn’t want the uncomfortable silence. Maybe I should have been firmer?
At the moment I need this job as I don’t yet get carers allowance for looking a after my mum.
Should I just suck it up, allow her in the front and hope for the best? I don’t know what to do. Maybe Covid is stressing me out so much that I making too much of this and her sitting in the front isn’t much different from her in the back?

Thanks everyone. Let’s see how it goes tomorrow.

Presumably she could let you go if you've been there less than 2 years but if not she can't sack you for it.

Dismissal for asserting your rights under the Health and Safety at Work Act is automatic unfair dismissal and does not need two years service.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.springhouselaw.com/knowledge/automatic-unfair-dismissal/amp/

Thanks for that info VanGoghsDog

I would be advising her you wish to follow guidelines again, and if she is not happy she will need to find someone else

@Oxyiz

If you can't change jobs, you also need to start working on letting her moodiness wash over you. Don't take it all personally.

It won't just be "you' she's really angry at, it's all of it, and God knows we've all felt like that, but I guess she also has the added burden of being disabled and needing to do this absurd journey every day, so maybe she's venting more than anything g else.

Stay professional, bright, positive and friendly. Think of a friendly but firm nurse.

I'm sorry but things like this do annoy me and perpetuates the idea that there are some job roles that we should just accept getting sworn at and having abusive behaviour. The ops employer is absolutely in the wrong for her behaviour, and if it was the op posting in social media about the employer's behaviour she'd be lambasted.

Patricia ops post here is rather unidentifiable, the facebook post by the employer ranting about the op? Less so.

@Reesewitherknife

37weekswithno2 unfortunately she is my boss. She pays me via her pip payment.

Sounds like time for a new job, then.

She's got too comfortable with you.

OP - you may find this stat useful .... see screenshot.

OP a little perspective on why this lady may be getting so agitated- she is unable to drive herself, this isolates her and makes her feel she has no independence, it may also make her feel like she has failed or is lacking in a general skill. It could very well make her feel like shit every single day knowing she will never be able to drive.

And sitting in the front with you may well mean she doesn’t feel like a failure, or someone who can’t do an everyday skill. It may make her feel accepted as an equal and an adult. And that may be why she is getting so upset.

You absolutely don’t deserve to be shouted and sworn at whilst you are at work (or at all!) BUT sometimes people with disabilities don’t know how to react/deal with things in the right way, and being in a caring role does require patience and people skills, it can have its challenges, including knowing how to de-escalate situations in an appropriate manner.

If you aren’t suited to working with people with disabilities that isn’t a failing on your part. I’m not suited to working in customer service because I haven’t got the patience to deal with rude customers. You can’t change the nature of the work, but you can find work that will suit you better.

@ApplePlumPie

OP a little perspective on why this lady may be getting so agitated- she is unable to drive herself, this isolates her and makes her feel she has no independence, it may also make her feel like she has failed or is lacking in a general skill. It could very well make her feel like shit every single day knowing she will never be able to drive.

And sitting in the front with you may well mean she doesn’t feel like a failure, or someone who can’t do an everyday skill. It may make her feel accepted as an equal and an adult. And that may be why she is getting so upset.

You absolutely don’t deserve to be shouted and sworn at whilst you are at work (or at all!) BUT sometimes people with disabilities don’t know how to react/deal with things in the right way, and being in a caring role does require patience and people skills, it can have its challenges, including knowing how to de-escalate situations in an appropriate manner.

If you aren’t suited to working with people with disabilities that isn’t a failing on your part. I’m not suited to working in customer service because I haven’t got the patience to deal with rude customers. You can’t change the nature of the work, but you can find work that will suit you better.

Personally, I think being disabled and unable to drive doesn't make it OK for me to be an utter dick to anybody, least of all the person who facilitates freedom.

But if I've got a free pass to treat people like shit because I'm disabled and I don't know any better, maybe I should start?

might just save it for when hearing somebody patronising the fuck out of disabled people as though we're all self hating failures with the emotional development of a six year old, though

PatriciaPerch I have given absolutely no identifiable information about my employer, it could be anyone in any part of the world. However, she posted on Facebook which identifies me to all that know me from her day centre as many of them are her Facebook friends. That pictures me in a bad light when I have done nothing wrong at all.

MitziK

But you get a free pass to be a dick to posters you don’t agree with eh?

—Oh look you’ve just proved my point !—

Mitzik I feel like she has started to get a bit too comfortable and treating me like a family member at times, yes.
ApplePlumPie I get what you are saying, I do but being frustrated at her limitations doesn’t excuse her of treating people unkindly (especially as she appears to have form for it as she apparently had ‘fallen out’ with her last two PA’s). No one has ever told me that she has any issue which needed addressing, no training, nothing. And I don’t think that after 2 years of doing the job I should feel that I am unsuitable for the job because she has spoken to me and treated me like shit because something suddenly doesn’t suit her. She is a grown adult.

@ApplePlumPie

MitziK

But you get a free pass to be a dick to posters you don’t agree with eh?

—Oh look you’ve just proved my point !—

How on earth has mitzi been a dick to you? By disagreeing?!

OP, when you say she is your boss, is she your employer or are you registered self employed?

If she is your employer, then she is responsible for providing you with a safe working environment and complying with the conditions of her employers insurance.

If you are self employed and she pay you directly, then you should have PA insurance and comply with their guidance.

Are you sure you are totally funded via her PIP, or does she have direct payments for support from the local authority? The council issue very strong guidelines for how support should be carried out, so they can also back your decision.

And honestly, good PAs are worth their weight in gold. If she's abusive towards you, there are plenty of clients who won't be. It's not about feelings. It's a job. You aren't there to be her friend. You are there to provide a safe service.

The unnecessary snide comment.

I was offering the OP a different point of view, there was no need to call me a patronising dick.

Whowants2Know She is my employer, I am employed by her and my contract is between myself and her. In all honesty I am not 100% certain exactly where the payments come from other than that her name is on my bank statement each month. I assume any insurance would be through her of which I have never been informed of.

@ApplePlumPie

The unnecessary snide comment.

I was offering the OP a different point of view, there was no need to call me a patronising dick.

But your post was credibly patronising. You might like being told that, but it was.

Good luck tomorrow Op - you need to be clear with her and speak to her as your employer & remind her that she has a legal (& moral) obligation for your health and safety. In that regard, you expect her to follow the risk assessment that was previously carried out. Don't apologise but be firm and tell her that it's the way it has to be. Also be clear that you won't accept any further abuse from her.

My own probably unwanted opinion is, that you are in one car.

For an hour or two.

You are breathing in the same air.

Sit her wherever she wants, it will make no difference.

Wear masks if it makes you feel better.

You are in the same car......the same car.

It makes no difference where you sit.

If one of you had Covid, the other would be a definite contact, because of your proximity.

Ok, then if she employs you (and pays appropriate tax and insurance, I should hope) it's unlikely that your wages are covered by PIP, given that she also has the mobility car. (The remaining amount wouldn't cover your wages)

Most PAs are funded through direct payments from social services. If her mum pays your wages, you need to confirm this with her.

Because you are most likely funded by social services, you are bound by their guidance. If you fail to follow it (or your employer prevents you from following it) she could actually risk losing the direct payment and having the local authority arrange her support. (Which will be agency, not consistent and much more expensive than you.)

Re: Facebook. Again, this is a job. She is not your friend, and it's not ok to have her on your Facebook. However, having seen a post in which an employer complained publicly about your work when you followed health and safety guidelines, what do you think would happen in any other situation? (Breach of mutual trust and confidence, potentially constructive dismissal...)

Honestly, in your position, I would be looking at local brokerage services and asking to be put on their PA register with a view to moving on. It sounds like this arrangement is now not healthy.

Yes she employs you directly Her payments will come from LA direct payments, via managed payroll
That means she has to adhere to LA guidance and terms

@SentientAndCognisant

Yes she employs you directly Her payments will come from LA direct payments, via managed payroll That means she has to adhere to LA guidance and terms

Not all direct payments go via a managed payroll (company or account).

The employer (disabled person) has the option to have the money transferred into a dedicated current bank account, that she manages herself, and pay her personal assistant directly from that account. The disabled person is responsible for employers insurance, H&S, and PAYE and NI for her employee (the OP).

I now use the direct payment system via a payroll company. I found that being an employer at a time when getting out of bed felt like an impossible and overwhelming task was too much responsibility and everyday I was anxious about doing it all wrong.

OP, please contact your local doctor and authority adult social care department; they are there to support you and your employer. You can call and ask to speak to the duty social worker.

Good PAs are few and far between and you should be treated kindfully and respectfully. I wish I could help you more. Good luck.

that sorting tax, NI. employers insurance etc to difficult while being so poorly with high care needs