To ask her to go back to sitting in the back of the car?

[Reesewitherknife]

For the last two years I have been a driver for a disabled lady. I drive her to a day centre which is an hours drive away and collect her at the end of the day which is another hours drive back. She has physical difficulties but no learning difficulties or mental health issues.
Before lockdown/Covid everything was good. She would sit in the front passenger seat next to me, no issues.
However, when we resumed after lockdown (in July) we both agreed to wear masks and went with the government guidelines which was that she would sit in the back of the car, we would both wear face masks and I would drive with the windows open to reduce any infection risk as much as possible. I was and am still very keen to do this as I look after my elderly mum who has Alzheimer’s and a chronic blood cancer which obviously puts her in the vulnerable category.
All seemed ok for a while, we would chat on our journey as before.
However, over the last couple of weeks it had become apparent that she has been very unhappy with me and I couldn’t work out why. She would regularly ignore me where’s previous we had a good relationship. She wouldn’t answer me when I ask her what’s wrong or would snap that she was ok. I tried talking about things as I usually would and ask questions etc but we would often drive in silence which I find very stressful and uncomfortable. She was like a stroppy teen for reasons I couldn’t get to the bottom off. I started worrying she was unwell or unhappy in her life.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I found out the reason for her behaviour. I noticed on her Facebook timeline she had written ‘I STILL have to sit in the back of MY own car whilst my PA drives me’ cue angry face emoji. That afternoon when I picked her up she got in the back of the car and shouted ‘Great another FUCKING journey in the back of this car’. I said that I was sorry she was unhappy but we had agreed to go with the government guidelines and I wanted to ensure we were both protected as much as possible. She then said that she had found out her disabled friend didn’t have to sit in the back of his car with his PA or wear a mask and she didn’t see why she should, I said well that’s their decision but it’s going against the guidelines and I’m trying to adhere to them especially as we are in a tier 2 area. She didn’t talk to me on the journey home that day!
I’ve ignored the fact she swore at me but am quite upset about that as I have always treated her with kindness and respect and would hope for the same.
I stressed all weekend over that as I hate the uncomfortable atmosphere so text her and said that if she really wanted to sit in the front that much then that was up to her as it’s her car. She sent back a smiling thank you emoji!
So last week she sat in the front. She was as happy as Larry and chatty as fuck, like a kid who had gotten her own way!
However now with the new lockdown rules coming into place I’m thinking I jumped the gun a bit. I just didn’t want the uncomfortable silence. Maybe I should have been firmer?
At the moment I need this job as I don’t yet get carers allowance for looking a after my mum.
Should I just suck it up, allow her in the front and hope for the best? I don’t know what to do. Maybe Covid is stressing me out so much that I making too much of this and her sitting in the front isn’t much different from her in the back?

I'd absolutely have a quiet word with her parents.

And you would absolutely be paying compensation for direct disability discrimination.

She (employer) is being a dick, she is an adult, adults can be dicks. I've had some dick bosses and I have never considered complaining to their parents.

Would it be an option for you to get a proper protection mask? I mean, you'd look like you were avoiding an air-raid, probably, and wouldn't be able to chat to her any more but at least you'd be better protected from her.

Or she could just go back to sitting in the back and stop behaving like a spoilt Q-anon idiot. That brought back memories of my mum saying "and if all your friends jumped off a cliff, would you do it too just because they did?"

Are her direct payments via a payroll company?

Call the adult social care team and ask about their take on the guidance and advice on how to implement the guidelines from an employee point of view.

I have direct payments and 2 PAs. I find it quite stressful. Good luck.

Can people stop suggesting speaking to her parents? Her parents are not involved, nor should they be!!

Argh this is such a tough call and one I was prepared for. I’m going to have to bring it up tomorrow and see what she says.
I could look into a better face mask but they are bad enough as it is cause they steam up my glasses!
I am embarrassed to say 2Zebras that I am not too sure. Her mother does the time sheets and writes out the pay slip. The money comes (I assume) via a bank transfer as it just comes up with her name each month on my bank statement (that’s my employer’s name not the mothers name!)

If it's anything like around here finding a PA to employ etc is really hard work...

Presumably she could let you go if you've been there less than 2 years but if not she can't sack you for it.

I would actually look at the Covid Safe guidance in mine including taxi drivers and send her the links and that as her employee you expect to work in a Covid secure environment.

She sits in the back and no more rudeness. Or she finds another driver. She sounds absolutely horrible.

YANBU. Sitting in the back is better as there's more space between you.

Make it clear that that you are entitled to a safe working environment and that if you leave, she'll be going nowhere and good luck to her finding a new driver at present.

I dont see the point of her being in the back tbh.

You are well within 1 metre of each other either way, and if either of you gets it the other almost certainly will if you are in that proximity for an hour twice a day. The guidelines do not actually state that she should be in the back so I am not sure where you got that from.

Check out the guidelines for covid security in workplaces esp taxis (as that is most comparable to your situation).

Tell her the guidelines and that you want to stick to them, then do it.

Ignore tantrums and look for another job if you find all this too stressful.

I would also call her out on the Facebook post- she was way out of order posting a criticism of you on a public forum instead of talking to you about it.
She sounds like a deeply unpleasant person.

If she strops and doesn't talk to you that's actually a good thing in terms of reducing your potential Covid exposure risk.

You need to think and conduct yourself now in precisely the same way you would if it were a 'normal' employer/employee set up.
ie:

• don't talk to her parents about it (no matter what you know about their involvement behind the scenes)
• forget anyone else's opinions on the guidelines. Hers or any posters here giving their opinions on how it spreads. You want to stick to the guidelines and that is that. If you were working in Boots or Tesco for eg. you wouldn't be having to fight to enforce them for yourself!

She sounds thick skinned and used to getting her own way. Stay professional and emotionally detached and stand your ground politely.

I’ve taken a screenshot of the Facebook rant, was quite upset about that as it implied I was overruling her decisions.

Thank you Laiste

If you can't change jobs, you also need to start working on letting her moodiness wash over you. Don't take it all personally.

It won't just be "you' she's really angry at, it's all of it, and God knows we've all felt like that, but I guess she also has the added burden of being disabled and needing to do this absurd journey every day, so maybe she's venting more than anything g else.

Stay professional, bright, positive and friendly. Think of a friendly but firm nurse.

Is this managed by direct payment under LA, and managed payroll
She gets a direct payment budget and employs you?

If she refuses to sit in the back and you feel compelled to leave I would be tempted to claim constructive dismissal!

@Reesewitherknife

Argh this is such a tough call and one I was prepared for. I’m going to have to bring it up tomorrow and see what she says. I could look into a better face mask but they are bad enough as it is cause they steam up my glasses! I am embarrassed to say 2Zebras that I am not too sure. Her mother does the time sheets and writes out the pay slip. The money comes (I assume) via a bank transfer as it just comes up with her name each month on my bank statement (that’s my employer’s name not the mothers name!)

Hi, you need to be doing your own time sheets with your employer signing to confirm the hours worked. Her mother should not be doing this.

None of the day centres here have reopened. So many people with disabilities and their PAs are being let down - can you research who is running these centres and why they are allowed to remain open? I know you have to care for your employer but please make sure you are looking after yourself too.

It doesn’t matter who pays, what the rules are or anything. Each side has their boundaries and should be respected.

I think it would be best before tomorrow for OP to ring this woman (yes, speak to her!) and say quite firmly that she doesn’t want there to be any awkwardness when they’re next in the car, and that the lady must sit in the back. Very sorry and bloomin’virus and all that, but this is the only way OP can continue to drive.

If the woman then wants to terminate the employment, then so be it. I think this would be unlikely, as PAs of this type are hard to come by.

This isn't quite to do with your problem, but if your glasses are fogging up, the mask isn't quite fitted. Try another mask. Some fabrics are also much more breathable than others (also, check if N95 masks are avaliable again where you are. You're working in quite a close enviroment).

As for the lady, I'm surprised she's 35! At your OP I thought she was in her teens. I'd be tempted to point out her friend's PA is taking quite some risks and her friend might be liable for that.

I think you should speak to her about it. It does sound stressful and I agree she shouldn’t be stroppy about it.

Just to explore all the options, does she get car sick? I get incredibly car sick in the back, and would reconsider going at all if I had to do this as it’s so unpleasant. No excuse to sulk and strop though!