To ask her to go back to sitting in the back of the car?

[Reesewitherknife]

For the last two years I have been a driver for a disabled lady. I drive her to a day centre which is an hours drive away and collect her at the end of the day which is another hours drive back. She has physical difficulties but no learning difficulties or mental health issues.
Before lockdown/Covid everything was good. She would sit in the front passenger seat next to me, no issues.
However, when we resumed after lockdown (in July) we both agreed to wear masks and went with the government guidelines which was that she would sit in the back of the car, we would both wear face masks and I would drive with the windows open to reduce any infection risk as much as possible. I was and am still very keen to do this as I look after my elderly mum who has Alzheimer’s and a chronic blood cancer which obviously puts her in the vulnerable category.
All seemed ok for a while, we would chat on our journey as before.
However, over the last couple of weeks it had become apparent that she has been very unhappy with me and I couldn’t work out why. She would regularly ignore me where’s previous we had a good relationship. She wouldn’t answer me when I ask her what’s wrong or would snap that she was ok. I tried talking about things as I usually would and ask questions etc but we would often drive in silence which I find very stressful and uncomfortable. She was like a stroppy teen for reasons I couldn’t get to the bottom off. I started worrying she was unwell or unhappy in her life.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I found out the reason for her behaviour. I noticed on her Facebook timeline she had written ‘I STILL have to sit in the back of MY own car whilst my PA drives me’ cue angry face emoji. That afternoon when I picked her up she got in the back of the car and shouted ‘Great another FUCKING journey in the back of this car’. I said that I was sorry she was unhappy but we had agreed to go with the government guidelines and I wanted to ensure we were both protected as much as possible. She then said that she had found out her disabled friend didn’t have to sit in the back of his car with his PA or wear a mask and she didn’t see why she should, I said well that’s their decision but it’s going against the guidelines and I’m trying to adhere to them especially as we are in a tier 2 area. She didn’t talk to me on the journey home that day!
I’ve ignored the fact she swore at me but am quite upset about that as I have always treated her with kindness and respect and would hope for the same.
I stressed all weekend over that as I hate the uncomfortable atmosphere so text her and said that if she really wanted to sit in the front that much then that was up to her as it’s her car. She sent back a smiling thank you emoji!
So last week she sat in the front. She was as happy as Larry and chatty as fuck, like a kid who had gotten her own way!
However now with the new lockdown rules coming into place I’m thinking I jumped the gun a bit. I just didn’t want the uncomfortable silence. Maybe I should have been firmer?
At the moment I need this job as I don’t yet get carers allowance for looking a after my mum.
Should I just suck it up, allow her in the front and hope for the best? I don’t know what to do. Maybe Covid is stressing me out so much that I making too much of this and her sitting in the front isn’t much different from her in the back?

YANBU as your employer, by refusing to follow guidelines to provide a safe working environment for you she's breaking the law. You could report her for it, and if she fired you for it you could report her unfair dismissal. She's in the wrong, simple as. If she complains again then tell her she's welcome to sit in the front and you'll sit in the back.

Clearly a lot of people don't understand direct payments and the role of a pa to a disabled person. It's not like a pa in a company. I've worked with people who have their own budget. Unfortunately this is a challenge of the person you support employing you directly.

You could tell her straight and then have to deal with her creating an atmosphere, or you could tell her your vulnerable mum is really upset and stressed about the arrangements and for that reason you need to go back to the mask/back seat way.

OR... tell her you have a temperature and will be next available when your test results come back

I am always worried about the health & safety aspects of being a PA. I think it is a conflict of interest and often PA’s are put in positions where they aren’t safe but they can’t speak out For fear of losing their job. All you can do is tell her is that the law (Health & Safety At Work Act 1974) states that an employer must ensure the safety of their employees and the current guidance suggests that being in the back is safer. Tell her you understand how this may make her feel (loss of control or view) but it is for everyone’s safety.

Text her the links to the relevant guidelines. As a self employed person do you have any type of liability insurance or something you could use as convincing reason? If she doesn't believe in covid then perhaps she would accept something along the lines of 'we have to do it this way or it invalidates my insurance'.....I might be reaching a bit there as I've no idea?

How old is this woman? She's acting like a child. How much contact do you normally have with her parents?

Could you find a new job. Id e very uncomfortable after she was so rude and dismissive about it

Try to turn it around on her as if her sitting in the back is for her sake not yours. Tell her how much you enjoyed having her sit next to you and chat with the and how much you wish you could keep doing. But that you were so afraid afterwards as you were really worried it might have caused her to get infected and you just can't take a chance again as her health is so precious and important to you. Try to also flatter her and say you'll feel like you're driving a film star as they all sit in the back when being chauffered. She's selfish and doesn't care about you so the only chance you have is to appeal to her own vanity and self interest.

If you want a reason to bring it up again perhaps say your mom's consultant has spoken to her and told her to be extra careful now we are entering another lockdown and as her main carer you therefore have to insist on going back to the old way

You say that she only has physical difficulties, no mental health issues. Therefore you would be completely wrong to speak to her parents about this! You need to speak to her. Don't wait until you next drive her, use old-fashioned communication and ring to speak to her. Tell her what you've said here - about the government guidelines, having to care for your mum, that you have very good reasons for insisting that guidelines are followed. Play it by ear, but if you can you need to also tell her that nobody has to put up with being abused at work.

Obviously your passenger is mixing indoors with people at her day centre so picking up covid is not a low risk as she pretends.

I think your best bet is to write to her parents, explain the situation and her behaviour . On a very difficult and stressful day, you unwisely gave in to her pressure. You now regret that, and want you both to travel as per govt guidance. Please could her parents phone you to discuss.

I'd print out a copy of govt guidance and include it.

why you have to be particularly careful because of your mother, and ask them to call you at home.

don't talk to her parents op. if you worked in a shop and the boss was rude to you, you wouldn't go and tell their parents.

I'd say that with the new lockdown, the guidance is that for it to be covid secure, as your workplace needs to be, she needs to be in the back. if she isn't happy, then you understand and you'll work X notice period.

if she goes in the back and is cantankerous, can you put the radio on or listen to music on a single headphone?

@Reesewitherknife
Tbh I would be telling her that given you're in lockdown that you're not able to drive her at all if she carries on in this manner and I would also let her know that being sworn at is totally inappropriate and unacceptable.
So she has two choices. Have you continue or strop and be driverless.

You have posted about this before
You need to find a different job.

@PotteringAlong

She has to provide you with a Covid secure workplace.

Honestly, whether she sits in the front or the back, neither is covid-secure. Sharing a car is a high-risk activity. I really don't see it making any difference regardless of the government guidelines. Where I live, some people caught it from sharing a bus even though they weren't sitting together.

Why would you contact her parents? She's not a fucking child and she has no intellectual disability?
It's her car, she is your boss.
So it's tricky.
To be honest, either of you could catch it by being in the car together.
The difference between the front and back seat may not be the determining factor.
As she is physically disabled, I think you are underestimating the enormous levels of powerlessness she feels on a daily basis. You are free to jump in and out of a car.
Therefore she is 100 times more sensitive to this extra lack of control and being 'sent' to sit in the back like a child. She probably feels like a toddler strapped into a pram.

Thanks everyone. I was starting to overthink this and believe that I was making a bit of a fuss over it, that is how she has made me feel.
I was a SAHM for a long time before this job and have never worked like this before, I worked for the NHS for years which obviously has HR departments etc and there is always someone to go to if there are grievances.
For clarity I am employed, no self employed and it is her car, I have suggested the screen thing and she said a flat no.
She is 35 years old.
I have not yet spoken to her parents as many have pointed out that I am employed by her and not them. However, I have tried explaining my concerns to her. I explained that I did not like being sworn at when I am just doing my job and that we are all in this together and no one is enjoying this time and we just have to push on but it falls on deaf ears.
When I work tomorrow (I work 3 days a week) I will explain that due to the recent events I would prefer if she would go back to the back seat and that it’s for both of our safety and see where it goes from there.
I’m not banking on it being a positive outcome!

Sadie9 what’s with the ‘shes not a fucking child!’ No need to swear!

I think you have to weigh up the consequences of any action here. If you decide to tell her she has to sit in the back then you might have to be prepared for her to get nasty and potentially terminate your employment (would she easily find someone else?) Who needs who more? Can you afford to lose your job? I’m not saying she is right, she sounds like an entitled cow, but is it worth it? If you think she will keep you on still begrudgingly if you insist on it, then just turn the radio up and let her stew. She sounds like a petulant child. No one cares what her mate is doing. Also, how long are these journeys? I’m guessing not too far. Drama queen (her, not you).

If you're in a car with her for two hours a day, it really won't make a difference if she's in the front or the back...

Sadie9 I have done nothing but treat her with kindness and respect the whole time I have worked for her. She has not returned that respect and being disabled is no excuse to treat me like shit!

Is the day centre staying open in lockdown anyway?

If you have completed 2 years employment you have a right to claim unfair dismissal btw. This should give you more protection while you look for another job (which I think you should even if it takes some time - she is treating you very poorly and doesn't deserve to have good people supporting her).

GingerAndTheBiscuits I’m not too sure, I will find out tomorrow. I can’t find any guidelines about day centres on the government website.

Don't speak to her parents, that is incredibly patronising and you have already said she has no mental impairment.