To ask her to go back to sitting in the back of the car?

[Reesewitherknife]

For the last two years I have been a driver for a disabled lady. I drive her to a day centre which is an hours drive away and collect her at the end of the day which is another hours drive back. She has physical difficulties but no learning difficulties or mental health issues.
Before lockdown/Covid everything was good. She would sit in the front passenger seat next to me, no issues.
However, when we resumed after lockdown (in July) we both agreed to wear masks and went with the government guidelines which was that she would sit in the back of the car, we would both wear face masks and I would drive with the windows open to reduce any infection risk as much as possible. I was and am still very keen to do this as I look after my elderly mum who has Alzheimer’s and a chronic blood cancer which obviously puts her in the vulnerable category.
All seemed ok for a while, we would chat on our journey as before.
However, over the last couple of weeks it had become apparent that she has been very unhappy with me and I couldn’t work out why. She would regularly ignore me where’s previous we had a good relationship. She wouldn’t answer me when I ask her what’s wrong or would snap that she was ok. I tried talking about things as I usually would and ask questions etc but we would often drive in silence which I find very stressful and uncomfortable. She was like a stroppy teen for reasons I couldn’t get to the bottom off. I started worrying she was unwell or unhappy in her life.
Anyhow, a couple of weeks ago I found out the reason for her behaviour. I noticed on her Facebook timeline she had written ‘I STILL have to sit in the back of MY own car whilst my PA drives me’ cue angry face emoji. That afternoon when I picked her up she got in the back of the car and shouted ‘Great another FUCKING journey in the back of this car’. I said that I was sorry she was unhappy but we had agreed to go with the government guidelines and I wanted to ensure we were both protected as much as possible. She then said that she had found out her disabled friend didn’t have to sit in the back of his car with his PA or wear a mask and she didn’t see why she should, I said well that’s their decision but it’s going against the guidelines and I’m trying to adhere to them especially as we are in a tier 2 area. She didn’t talk to me on the journey home that day!
I’ve ignored the fact she swore at me but am quite upset about that as I have always treated her with kindness and respect and would hope for the same.
I stressed all weekend over that as I hate the uncomfortable atmosphere so text her and said that if she really wanted to sit in the front that much then that was up to her as it’s her car. She sent back a smiling thank you emoji!
So last week she sat in the front. She was as happy as Larry and chatty as fuck, like a kid who had gotten her own way!
However now with the new lockdown rules coming into place I’m thinking I jumped the gun a bit. I just didn’t want the uncomfortable silence. Maybe I should have been firmer?
At the moment I need this job as I don’t yet get carers allowance for looking a after my mum.
Should I just suck it up, allow her in the front and hope for the best? I don’t know what to do. Maybe Covid is stressing me out so much that I making too much of this and her sitting in the front isn’t much different from her in the back?

She sounds like a very rude CF

Its a tough one. Like it or not she can get rid of you if she is unhappy. If you are employed less than two years I believe you effectively have no employment rights.

She clearly feels humiliated by sitting in the back of the car. She is probably more sensitive to this as she will be aware of being ' low status' in our society and being dependent on others. The sitting in the back of the car is probably pushing these buttons. I'm not excusing her behaviour - just trying to understand what is driving it.

You posted this a week or two ago. I don't expect the answers will be any different.

yes, some of they are because they are an essential service

Which classify as essential? I'm also amazed as I don't know any which are open including those which provide medical care/dementia care.

Just wondering if its different rules in the different regions.

OP: Do you live with your mother and is she getting allowances for care and attendance? Is there scope for you to be employed by her instead? otherwise start looking for a new role so that you have some choice. Its hard to get good PAs around here but obviously it may be different in your area.

Phone her before tomorrow and explain that she will need to sit in the back (this gives her time to have a little rant at home). When you collect her, crack a joke about getting a peaked cap if necessary (then she can have delusions of grandeur). She was totally wrong to be so rude to you but must be stressed by the whole situation and you were the soft target. You say you need this job so just be careful to be firm but not dictatorial. Good luck.

She might well be your ‘boss’ but that doesn’t entitle her to risk your life (nor hers).

Tell her, her options are she sits in the back, she finds another —mug—driver or she bloody well walks.

She can’t behave like a child and expect to be treated Like an adult. She is being very unreasonable. Tell her, not us. Best of luck.

Alternatively, tell her if she wants to sit in the front, you’ll sit in the back and let’s see how that works out for everyone.

These are unusual times to say the least, but even in normal times of course the employee's health gets equal billing . It's a job, and safety cannot be disregarded because it's a personal relationship with possibly awkward boundaries.

I must admit I don't like the term "PA" , as it has connotations of someone being at someone's beck and call like our traditional understanding of "the boss's secretary". Perhaps "AA" - Access Assistant or some such would be better.

I am going in a bit earlier tomorrow and I will have a chat with her. Explain how I am feeling and my concerns and ask her what her concerns about sitting in the back are and hopefully we’ll come to a conclusion without her going into a sulk.
Her day centre has been open since July and I believe it is a privately run charity based day centre. All of the Alzheimer’s/dementia support in our area have been closed since March, my mum and 100’s of others like her have been forgotten. I am currently trying to arrange attendance allowance for her so hopefully can then get carers allowance and help her more permanently but until then I need to get this sorted.
Regarding the time sheet, as I said her mum organises this and until lockdown I would pop in the house and fill it in myself but since coming back as I can’t go in the house she does it for me and I’ve trusted her to do so.
Her mum did a risk assessment before I re-started in July and these where the measures we agreed on (ie masks, travelling in the back and windows open).
In the two years that I have worked for her I have always put her disability in the forefront of my mind when I am with her and have tried my best not to treat her differently and to understand that her life may be very different from mine. She doesn’t like people trying to take over like grabbing her chair and pushing her without asking which, incredulously complete strangers will do this! I have never taken over and given her as much control as is possible. But I don’t care to be the brunt of her frustration as I have enough on my plate with grieving for my MIL and coping with my parents all of which she is fully aware of. We all have our issues in life, disability or non, I didn’t take the job on to be spoken or treated like that. I did say this to her last week but got no answer from her, just silence, which I suppose is her way of dealing with things but it’s like talking to a brick wall.
Last week she did let slip that she has ‘fallen out’ with her last two PA’s which I was unaware of. Perhaps the last 22 months have been the ‘honeymoon period’!

The other thing you might want to consider is that talking is much worse in terms of aerosol and droplet production than normal breathing. Which is one of the many horrible things about this illness. But conversation would be best outside. Yeah, I know.

StrawberrySquash I think I may have to bring that into the conversation tomorrow, if she insists on sitting in the front then I will insist that conversation is to be kept to the minimum due to that reason.

Honestly Op, I don't think there should be any seeing if she decides she's still going to sit in the front of the car. There is a reason why you should not do this and it's in the agreed risk assessment. Also, as mentioned above, she's doing you a favour not talking in terms of infection. Honestly, maybe it won't be easy, but start looking for another job. She doesn't deserve you.

Op i am a community carer but I have also worked as a support worker. There is absolutely no way I would put up with her behaviour, the swearing is an absolute no .She should have done a risk assessment re covid that is non negotiable it it H&S both for her and you .
If you feel happier with her in the back of the car then she should accept that not through a strop having a disability does not give you a free card to be unpleasant and rude. Honestly op I would be looking for another job if she continues like this. Respect is a two way street .

Just say “you (or ‘your parents’) completed a risk assessment which describes the safe system of work for us both which means that you need to sit in the back. Although I know you don’t like this I’m afraid it is what we have to do right now”. Then firmly open the back door for her. Smile but stay firm. Let her strop. Don’t let her in the front.

Sorry just realised you said her mum had already done a risk assessment in July .Op you are within your rights to refuse to take her in the car in the front, unless you have done another risk assessment since then that one stands she cannot disagree with this .If she argues state that the risk was assessed and it was agreed she sat in the back with windows ajar and masks .

She's your employer and therefore has a duty of care for your health and safely while in the workplace (ie the car).
Just the same as if you worked in a factory or an office, she needs to follow the rules to make sure your work environment is "Covid Secure"

Her mum did a risk assessment before I re-started in July and these were the measures we agreed on (ie masks, travelling in the back and windows open).

Absolutely, you need to remind her of this and say that you intend to stick to it.

She may very well be annoyed at her mum, or at the covid situation, and she's taking it out on you.

Don't take it personally and stick to the risk assessment.

Did she get any Facebook friends telling her she was out of order for going against govt guidance?

You're still not 2M away from her if she's in the back. Is it really worth all of this hassle & upset over a government 'comfort blanket' guideline to make the scared feel a little bit better (when it actually makes no difference at all). If not catching covid is THAT Important to you, you need to resign.

YANBU at all - she is though.

OP, you are in a difficult position but you have approached every thing in the right way. I work as a CP social worker and we have had vague, ever changing guidance about visits, taking people in cars (huge part of the job as lots of families are not very mobile), face-to-face. Also lots of risk assessments produced by people who never have to fill them in or work in a job which is fundamentally about working with people face-to-face.
The reality is, as crap as it is, you are still providing a service in these weird times. Honestly, since March, most supporting services including CAMHS, community mental health, counselling and funded family support services have in the main stopped all face-to-face work. Tbh, I told a family support worker today that their manager's decision not to allow them to do any means they will all be out of a job soon.
Just be very clear. This is how it is, circumstances are totally out off your control. You are trying to make it work but this kind of behaviour is unacceptable.