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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not sure about giving our cleaner a second chance - AIBU?

245 replies

Sydney88 · 01/11/2020 23:02

Hi all,

I'm really not sure what to do about the situation with my cleaner. I think we may need to let her go and find another but wanted to get some objective thoughts before deciding what to do.

YANBU - I should let her go
YABU - Keep her on

By way of background, I have had the same cleaner for about 5 years and we have always been happy with her. She comes every fortnight and stays the entire day (we pay over market rate for her time) - she cleans, does a bit of tidying, washes a few dishes from the morning and changes the beds. We recently moved from a flat to a house - the house is fairly large (right now its me and my husband and our 6 month old). We always give the house a quick tidy before she comes. But it's not a show home and we have a new baby - so there is a little bit of clutter in a few places. For instance, I have my breakfast cereals on the side of the kitchen counter - but that's by choice because its convenient for me. I may also leave a couple of baby bits here and there, as I'm using the house. I should add that we are in the process of renovating, so there are only four rooms that are in use (our bedroom, our ensuite, the play/temporary sitting room and the kitchen). The remaining bedrooms and living rooms are not in use.

So last week, my cleaner opened up to me about the fact that she is struggling with all her clients (she was really upset about it). She said that ever since COVID things have changed and she believes that people are playing mind games with her on purpose. She told me that people are leaving things arranged in a way that she doesn't know what to do. I suggested to her that people are perhaps using their homes more (since people are wfh etc) and so homes may not be as super organised as before - and for her to just ask her clients what they want her to do and for their expectations. Apparently, she has left a couple of long standing clients over this. She has also changed her style of cleaning so that she will move things to clean but move them back to exactly where originally (even if it is clear that it hasn't been arranged in that specific position like a book on the side - which makes her job take even longer).

Last week I walked into the kitchen while she was there and she starts complaining to me about the kitchen - regarding the items in the corner (i.e. the breakfast cereals and the baby's high chain table). I told her I was happy if she didn't clean that area if it is too difficult for her. She told me that this is not compatible with her new method of cleaning. I told her that I had a newborn and apologised that things are a little less organised but that I haven't really changed in the way I use my home - she strongly disagreed and she said it was not an excuse and not good enough. She also said it wasn't normal and was getting very aggressive at this point. I told her I don't organise my life around her cleaning and walked away from the situation. I was really upset at this point. Later she said that it wasn't worth her while to be making the journey to clean our house and for us to get a local cleaner. She effectively said that she had thought that we could come to an arrangement as to how I organise my home. When my DH came home from work, she was just leaving - so he struck up conversation regarding the whole thing (I had obviously called hime earlier in the day about it). She proceeded to rant about everything (and about me, the government and about other clients) but then said she was happy working for us. We said that we should all give it a think and that we would get back to her.

She has since messaged my husband to apologise for upsetting me and for being unprofessional.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. She is a very good cleaner and a nice lady. But I'm worried that she has become paranoid and unstable and wonder whether it is a good idea to keep her on. But if we let her go, I would feel terribly guilty - especially if she is losing income in these times.

OP posts:
flaviaritt · 02/11/2020 08:52

If you were a company, you’d be taken to tribunal and lose.

But she isn’t a company. This is her own home, and she has engaged someone to provide a service, like if I hired a plumber or decorator. And that person has more or less berated her in her own house about how she keeps her house. I wouldn’t want them there again.

YoniAndGuy · 02/11/2020 09:00

I really don't think I could get past someone - anyone, not even someone I was EMPLOYING - having the fucking nerve to scold me about the way I chose to keep my own kitchen, when I'd already been gracious enough to recognise their complaint fairly ('you don't have to clean that bit') - and all with a newborn. 'Not good enough' and 'an excuse'?!

The relationship would be so changed by that that I would have to draw the line. Sounds like really it should suit her too. And yes, she should have apologised to YOU. If she's with it enough to apologise at all, she should be directing it at you.

GreySkyClouds · 02/11/2020 09:02

Sounds to me like the stress of lockdown is getting to her, as her behaviour doesn’t sound normal.

That said, with a new born, it’s probably too much stress for you right now so you should probably find someone else.

Sakesman · 02/11/2020 09:08

I’d give her a chance as it’s difficult to find a good cleaner and maybe she’s just gone nuts with the covid. Talk to her. Set some new boundaries. Agree you can both review in a month? In the meantime find other options if it doesn’t work out.

supportivemyarse · 02/11/2020 09:10

If it was a poster working for a company, they'd be told that her boss should show empathy and support her. I don't see why it is any different. She took the step to apologise. err no its very different to colleagues working for a company in a personally neutral work environment. You pay someone to come into your home to clean not make passive aggressive remarks, boss you about or tell you off in it. And she apologised to the DH who wasn't even there. this speaks volumes about what she thinks of the OP.

Five years is a long time but you have paid her well, over the going rate by the sound of it, in that time. She is not under your roof as your equal to have an opinion or cause a drama. And your child is only going to get messier. If it were my cleaner of several years I'd give her a months wages purely because of time served and end it there on good terms.

I think there's a divide on this thread between those who employ a cleaner and those who don't.

RaspberryCoulis · 02/11/2020 09:16

I think there's a divide on this thread between those who employ a cleaner and those who don't.

Agree but using the word "employ" makes lots of people think that if you hire someone to provide a service, that brings with it all the responsibilities of an employer - which obviously it doesn't.

We have a cleaner - she is awesome and we love her. But the relationship is very clear, I pay her to clean. She can decide whether she works for us or doesn't. Lots of people on MN who don't have cleaners love to spout nonsense about what should and shouldn't happen based on zero experience of that actual situation.

LadyOfTheImprovisedBath · 02/11/2020 09:22

You're paying her for a service to make your life easier.

She not your friend, you're not her MH support- I think after 5 years the boundaries have become blurred - she doesn't get to tell you how to use your own home.

I think PP suggestion of using a cleaning service may be better going forward.

This is MN though and you will be told it's on you to sort out everyone eles's shit - people have been told to give houses away on here to be nice - I've been told it was my job to teach another child maths despite fact I wasn't a teacher, they went to same school my kids did and said child had two well educated parents and loads of family nearby and my kids were struggling across the board academically and we had no one even DH was up other end of counrty in the week.

matchingsocks · 02/11/2020 09:26

She has been so rude to you. Mental health issues or not, you have a newborn and are quite vulnerable yourself.
You are not her social worker. I'd cut her loose and maybe get someone for a few hours every week rather than all day once a fortnight. That way they keep on top of things easier. I am also one of those that wonders how on earth it takes all day to clean 4 rooms.

donquixotedelamancha · 02/11/2020 09:27

I think there's a divide on this thread between those who employ a cleaner and those who don't.

If that's true (which I think it isn't) it speaks very ill of the character of everyone who employs a cleaner.

On a purely practical basis I think finding another trustworthy cleaner is far more hassle than having a simple conversation and giving it another go.

But most people would hopefully not see anybody they'd known for 5 years, even if just providing a service, as solely a device for achieving a goal rather than a person.

FloraButterCookie · 02/11/2020 09:35

It sounds like a mental health problem, I have a close family member with paranoid / delusional thoughts. I know it’s upsetting, I’ve also been on the receiving end of some pretty horrible accusations. Maybe gently suggest she seek help

Fluffy40 · 02/11/2020 09:37

I used to clean flats for a certain developer. We had to do the whole flat in one hour. Wasn’t usually a problem, if I was quick 45 mins would suffice.

Alez · 02/11/2020 09:45

Are you sure it's just cereal packets op? People on Mumsnet are usually quite quick to criticise people who don't tidy before the cleaner comes. If there's a lot of stuff 'out' that wasn't before, both in your house and other people's I can see that that might make her feel stressed and anxious about doing the work in the time. You've said that she's taking longer over the jobs she used to do - that could be because she's being slower or it could be because she's having to clear away a load of stuff that's in the way of her cleaning. It sounds like she didn't speak to you appropriately but I don't think it's true to say that a cleaner can't tell a client they need to tidy before they can clean. Tbh it sounds to me like you are also not necessarily reacting in the calmest of ways either. That's not to criticise you but everyone is a bit on edge at the moment and I imagine it's worse with a newborn. I would speak to her as calmly as you can about what you want her to do. Ask her what any issues are with things being left out. If you can (and are happy to) tidy those things away then do so. If you're not explain to her what you want her to do with them and ask if she is happy to do that. If she's not then I suggest you look for someone who is happy with it.

Alez · 02/11/2020 09:48

Just to add that we've had a cleaner for almost 10 years now. We had problems with one but it took ages to find another person who was a good cleaner and reliable so I wouldn't be quick to get rid of a cleaner who has been good up to now.

dontdisturbmenow · 02/11/2020 09:51

She is paying for a service just in the same way you pay someone to cut your hair, service your car, deliver your takeaway
And I would certainly give any of these people second chance after they took steps to apologise, especially when in my service for 5 years.

Being self employed doesn't mean they are less needing of support. On the opposite they need more support in these stressful times.

Joswis · 02/11/2020 09:52

Alez, also because she is probably trying to keep covid safe now. That takes longer.

And yes, employer of a cleaner (NOT a voiceless slave). Just because we pay people to do stuff for us, doesn't mean we should forget they are human beings too. And this is a very stressful time for everyone.

Scottishskifun · 02/11/2020 09:59

Have a chat with her when things are calm and see how it goes.
She clearly sounds quite stressed out and although she shouldn't have taken this out on you sometimes people burst.

I would explain things have changed since the baby and the new method is for some things to be left out if she is OK with this and putting them away then you will put it behind you but if not then sadly you will have to part ways.

She would be horrified with my house 😂

blueangel19 · 02/11/2020 09:59

I had one cleaner for several years out of charity and also paying above market. Once I let her go it was much easier. She was very slow and was not doing what I needed but what she wanted to. I have not miss her and will not look back. However, difficult is to find a new one that cleans well. You can start clean page with someone new.

fandemic · 02/11/2020 10:03

She sounds seriously stressed. Some of the replies here are super unsympathetic. It sounds like she's sacked you as clients, though?

toria658 · 02/11/2020 10:04

Hmm she sounds unwell, hard to say but yes I would be curtailing the arrangement but if you felt ok enough and were able perhaps giving a heads up to someone she knows or even a family member. This is odd behaviour.

EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide · 02/11/2020 10:05

Only read halfway, that was enough, LET HER GO!

Mylittlepony374 · 02/11/2020 10:12

My cleaner is amazing. In your situation I would still let her go. As harsh as it sounds, her mental health is not your problem. Her friends/family can help her with this. She's not capable of doing the job you need her to do. Let her go.

Sydney88 · 02/11/2020 10:13

Thanks all - this has been very helpful. I will give her a ring and see if there is a reasonable way forward.

However, if she is still expects me to rearrange the way I use my home, sadly, I just don’t it see how it can work for either of us.

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 02/11/2020 10:18

The people going on about MH might want to consider the OPs mental health. Being harangued in you own home isn't nice.

Our next door neighbour is a builder and he did some work for the previous owners. We'd have considered him, but before we planned the work, he came round to ours ranting and raving about something. He later realised it wasn't actually our fault at all and apologised, which doesn't matter a bit. I absolutely put my foot down and said we're not having him in the house.

Our cleaner is good but not perfect at cleaning. She's a little clumsy and a couple of small things have been broken.

But she is warm, friendly and scrupulously honest. I'd rather have someone in the house I'm comfortable with than a perfect cleaner - especially now I'm always home when she comes.

Noitjustwontdo · 02/11/2020 10:20

You employ her to clean your home, she can’t then turn up and complain about needing to clean your home. It’s like paying someone to cut your hair only for them to become aggressive and whinge about cutting your hair.

Everyone’s stressed right now, we can’t take it out on the people who pay us.

badacorn · 02/11/2020 10:29

I would let her go. The way she let rip on you was so far over the line op.

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