To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

AIBU really is full of nasty judgemental bitchy weirdos.

I can understand her weight being a worry, and that you wish you and she had more in common, concerned about too much screen time and idle time etc. YANBU there, it's natural and she does sound like she needs to eat less and exercise more. But I voted YABU because she's trying to tell you she doesn't share your interests and you don't seem keen to listen. As far as outdoorsy pursuits go, I think you need to accept (apart from the horse riding, which presumably she enjoys) she's not into it.

The thing is, on the thread where the OP talks about her daughter being bullied, she seems to understand that her lack of confidence and wanting to stay in is a reaction to the bullying.

And the question in the OP is 'aibu to be upset about my fat lazy daughter' to which the answer is yes

@Limeandlemon

Maybe your daughter knows you hate her? Must be a sad, lonely place for her.

I would repeat what others have said, try and involve a friend/someone outside the family (obvs not from Thursday!) as then it will be fun and not you dragging her out. Strict limit on ipad time or ban it if you can face it and just no more unhealthy snacks in the house. I am winding down my unhealthy snacks as I think my DC have a sugar addiction.

@mynameiscalypso

I think the reason OP is getting a hard time is because lots of posters can see a deeply unhappy child not getting the support they need.

I feel so sorry for this little girl. I'm sure you love her OP but the way you write about her here is really off. My kids drive me crazy sometimes but I cannot imagine being so negative about them. My youngest is 10, loves to eat, is always talking about his next meal, would rather play fortnite than walk in the Cairngorms, but he's a great kid, funny, helpful and kind. Today we spent hours building robots so I could keep him off the Xbox. Do you spend time with your DD doing things she wants to do?

I know you said you won’t read any more comments but if you do I want to offer you some support. It’s perfectly normal the way she is behaving but as a responsible parent you are also right to show concern and want the best for her. My two are exactly the same but I find if I set the scene early on I.e. it’s half term we will be going for a walk on x day to x place then the day after you have x time to do whatever that works better than ‘get your coat we are going out’. She is growing up and will have different interests and trying to assert her own authority. Try to meet her part way but also you are the parent and are showing her valuable life experiences. I know it’s hard and you have my sympathy but you will get there just try not to fall out while you do! Try reasoning not punishment but there might be times she will have to suck it up and walk round tripping over her bottom lip and there might be times you have to just leave her be.

How overweight is she? Are her portion sizes too small, hence the snacking? Ignore the PP that said go cold turkey on carbs - that’ll give her a complex and may turn into an eating disorder.

Don’t put too much focus on food as this may make her obsessed about her body image. It sounds like you’re both annoying each other. Can you find an activity that you both like? Mother daughter time that will make her feel happy and not judged? Is something upsetting her?

Just to add, the OP has said her DDs best friend has joined in with the bullying leaving her daughter with no one.

When I was ten my Dad used to take me to the Alps (family over there). Me and my sibling used to be sooo bored. Dad wanted to go on long walks, take in the beautiful views etc. Obviously now I realise how lucky we were and would love to go on that sort of holiday now.
But as a ten year old all we wanted to do was go on a £9.50 Sun newspaper holiday. My friends used to go with their families. I went with them a few times and can honestly say they were the best holidays ever. The kids clubs, cheesy disco, bingo on the pier, building sandcastles etc absolutely loved it!

My 9 and 10 year old are the same. Refuse to go out anywhere and obsessed with tech. I recently gave them a daily limit of tech but they could earn extra time for doing chores etc. I've found that they are really careful about when they use their tech time and when they aren't in tech time that they are more open to doing other things such as a quick walk in the woods. I'm pretty pleased in the change in their behaviour generally.

I'm not saying that this works on all kids, it's just what has really made a difference with mine.

OP children don't just get overweight of their own accord, they become overweight because their parents have allowed it.

Start by taking some responsibility, maybe listen to her? TBF that would have voted me as a trip away aged 10.

Take away junk and unhealthy snacks from the house. So if she takes food it's fruit.

Also her over eating is so obviously comfort eating.
She's obsessed with her iPad because it's escapism for her. I used to be like that with T.V.
The iPad and Food comfort her as she sounds like she is depressed. At ten she is probably very aware she is overweight and does not know how to deal with it.
Be kind to her and work as a team rather than looking at her as an overweight lazy 10 year old.

I sympathise OP, I would feel exactly the same. When I was a child I didn't have a choice, you did what your parents did, like it or not. You have to get her to realise her behaviour is unacceptable and persevere. Life is full of doing things you don't want to, you don't just get to kick off.

Maybe get fitbits for both of you and turn it into a competition, who can get the most steps. Or you don't have screen time til you've reached 10,000 that day, then the rest of the day is your own. If she's constantly eating and snacking then you need to look at what you're giving her for meals, she's a growing girl, she needs meals with fat and protein to keep her full up. If she's emotional eating then you need to get help with that - a ten year old must be suffering badly to need to comfort themselves with food and if she's been bullied as you say maybe counselling would help.

At the end of the day, she's 10 and she is going to moan and whinge about things. But if she's as bad as you say then maybe look at whether you're parenting effectively - she's not old enough for total self discipline yet which means you still need to discipline her.

Poor you OP. It's a tough age - too old for traditional kid activities (I lost patience during lockdown with all the newspaper suggestions of craft/nature walks etc) but too young to really organise their own social life. Also being an only is tough. Mine is not a big reader and not great at entertaining herself though she spends ages each day on the trampoline (could that help?) Also walks - do you talk to her when you're on them or just to your partner? I find mine is happier to come if I chat to her. I've found being into the same thing helps even if it's more screen time. We worked our way through the whole of Friends during lockdown, got Friends monopoly, made Top Trumps, built Central Perk in lego....and now we're on Stranger Things. Could you take an interest in what she's watching on the iPad and expand it out a bit? She probably just wants your attention, at the end of the day.

Firstly, could you take the iPad off her? Or maybe limit it to 30 minutes a day.

I think trying to get her interested in your hobbies isn't working, so perhaps you could get interested in youtube with her? You could use it to start projects together that are new to both of you and bring you both out of your comfort zones. If she likes YouTube, could you find some "how to" videos and watch them and try to do them together? Eg How to change a plug, how to upcycle a chair, how to bake a fancy cake, how to change a tyre, how to make a patchwork quilt etc etc.

For a start limit the use of the iPad. If she complains take it off her altogether and you rule when she can have it and when she can’t
Don’t buy all the fattening stuff in, buy fruit and healthy snacks.
Take turns in choosing an activity at weekends, if hers is to have a movie night with popcorn then fine but the next weekend she walks with you if that’s your choice.
You’re the adult- act like one!

10 is a tough age I think - not quite old enough to be taken fully seriously but old enough to be expected to not act like a child. In my experience, children around this age do stick to what comforts them because it is just that - comfort.

The suggestion about getting her a camera might encourage her to merge the outdoorsy things the OP likes with the techie video things she likes. Maybe OP could sit with her and see the things she likes to watch - some of these TikTok videos are mini dance routines which are a workout in themselves! You could make one together and reconnect with each other.

I don’t overbuy snacks in our house as they vanish in seconds. I do have a lot of healthier stuff in (fruit, yoghurt etc.) so DC can moan as much as they like - there are snacks available, even if it’s not exactly what they want.

Good luck OP - it’s a hard road but you’ll get through it. Just be kind to both of you. 😊

On the off chance that you're still reading, I agree that limiting the tablet time to two hours a day is a great idea. My 5 year old would happily sit on hers watching rubbish on YouTube all day, but she gets a couple of hours at the weekend and that's it.

I'll add that my parents were big into UK walking holidays when I was a child. They were very good parents in many ways, but holidays and weekends were always depressing affairs. Most of my friends were off to hoiday parks, theme parks, cinemas and beaches (all deemed as terribly common by my parents) and I was walking in the rain for hours at a time getting "fresh air." I was labelled as 'difficult' and 'miserable' if I didn't pretend to enjoy it, too, so I wouldn't have dared to complain. It made me feel like they weren't remotely interested in me as a person, and I was just expected to be a mini version of them.

Can you shift the iPad interest into something more productive like minecraft and use scratch? Get her into making videos and animations? You need to limit the internet use, consumption of social media and YouTube isn’t good for anyone (and control output too). Minecraft works well for following with Lego designs.

YANBU..

This sounds very frustrating for you.. i can imagine you are just trying to keep her healthy and active and that this is not just for your enjoyment but also for the physical and mental health benefits of your child.

I was that 10 year old.. and now i look back and wish I'd gone out more with my dad (my dad was very outdoorsy and was always trying to encourage me to get out and explore) i was overweight and used to sot in watching tv (mum was not outdoorsy and encouraged me to stay in due to.her anxieties) im now an overweight adult with my own anxieties but i LOVE getting out now walking up hills and through the woods with my partner and will be encouraging my children in the same way.

I wonder is she has picked this up from somewhere? I understand she is her own person and may just not have the same interests as you but usually children tend to follow a parent or carers interests? Does she have an anxiety about going out?

You sound like you're trying your best to encourage her and unfortunately i cant really think of anything to help but I'd feel the same way, I'd hate to see my child sat on technology all day x

@anniemouse

You do love your daughter. You care about her health and about spending time with her. It sounds like you are seeking advice how best to do that. There are some helpful advice here already about how to tackle that. There are also some unnecessarily harsh comments. The fact that you want to change things is a positive sign. Managing this age group and teens is very tricky and iPads/tech are designed to be addictive.

Definitely agree with this 💐

And no there aren’t working horses near us just a riding stables which I can only afford one lesson a week and children can’t help out with current restrictions.

Might be true at some but not all. There's some kids helping out at the stables I go to currently.

She should be warned though that horse riding will eventually stop if she doesn't get control of her weight gain. 14st is the max a riding school will go to and going into puberty is likely just going to make the weight gain worse. That might give her a reason to get healthier.

'amost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. '

As PPs have said , this seems more about you than her OP. I get the general gist in terms of not wanting her to be sitting on her iPad but you need to look at your perspective.