To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

my DC were pretty screen obsessed as teens yet excelled academically and now as young adults seek out exercise for themselves. DS called yesterday, high as a kite about a ten mile run he'd done round Edinburgh. "It was so amazing I just kept going" he enthused. And DD is a keen gym and weights bunny who now totally gets the concept of green therapy for the soul. So all my cajoling when they were young was wasted at the time, but perhaps sank in a tiny bit. That, or they came to their own conclusions!

This is hilarious, blaming the child. Nurture how your child behaves is because of how he is raised, if he is fat that is also down to you he is ten.

OP this sounds very familiar - it was around age 10 that my youngest suddenly went very moany and whiny on family outings and holidays. He just wanted to stay home and game or watch YouTube, or eat.

We were perhaps a bit lucky that he also enjoys playing football twice a week, and could be coaxed outside for sporty activities with his Dad. There was nothing he wanted to do with me at all. Sometimes I'd get him to cook with me but only because he wanted cookies, and even then he'd find the cooking a bit of a pain and moan and whine. To keep some kind of connection I tried to do things that he enjoyed - taking him to the cinema, watching a TV shoe together (usually with snacks).

He's now 13 and he's much easier now than he was at 10. He understands that he needs physical exercise to feel good. He still doesn't like walking, or going to museums or art galleries, but he'll now go cycling. His friendship groups at school are working well - one of them has a paddle board so they meet at the river in summer, and they have sleepovers and get togethers.

When he was 10, I felt exactly like you feel. I'd forgotten all about it until your post. Looking back I think it was a transition period for him, a time when he was working out what he liked and didn't like, the start of becoming his own person rather than just a kid who goes where his parents go. All that moaning and whining was his bid for independence!

Hopefully this phase will pass for your DD too, and between you you'll work out some shared activities. Plus as she grows up you'll be able to leave her for longer so you can enjoy your activities without a whiny kid!

To @Limeandlemon , sorry to hear your difficulty. Sound like you received a mixed bag of opinions on this thread already.

Just to add my thoughts into your mix. Ask her to take up just one free outdoor activity of her liking, and you will match her times outdoors with Ipad time. Some caveats. It has to be something she can easily access. Also, in my experience, it often works that 30 minutes of this physical activity = 2 hours of screen time. Also, to keep the peace, you may offer 1 hour of screen time regardless if she does her outdoors activity or not. My hope would be of course for her to sign up to a local free girls football club!

I relate a lot to your post by the way. Hang in there!

I was always the odd one out - had to go with the majority (my three bothers) who were always into jumping into waterfalls, rolling in mud and fighting - so we went to martial arts, whole days on the beach etc. None of it to my taste and I still have sunburn fears.

What about tiktok... who is she looking at on there? Who are her idols? Are they sedentary all the time? What if you had a look at these sites yourself and found out what her interests are with these people; they must be doing something, surely?

If she doesn't like going out that's fine - what about Wii-Fit or something similar, a 'game' she could play with you perhaps?

You're trying but failing here. Time to really engage with your daughter to see where her interests are. Goes without saying really that her weight is a symptom, it doesn't need reference, just better eating habits, without over-emphasis. Good luck!

I remember this OP. I'm sorry some posters have been judgey, as it all depends on what your child is like, their own character... and if other people haven't had these frustrations then they are lucky!

I don't agree with taking screens away. This is the new generation, they will live like this. When one of my kids was like this (only wanted to be online, ate a lot) I was upset. I had to accept that we weren't going to enjoy cubs, judo, etc as I had expected. I reacted by sitting alongside them whenever I could, me doing my work/screentime/reading/boxsetting and them doing their own thing, but I could see the games they were playing and the conversations with friends.
As I started to understand the games such as Roblox, Minecraft, Mario, they would then discuss them with me and I felt much more involved and they were much less scornful of my understanding of their life. I was a bit bored by the games they were playing but I pretended to be really interested and after a while I was actually interested.

This only went on for a few months and then it was secondary school time and a 30 minute walk to the new school, with the online friends, for my kid, who grew taller without putting more weight on. I did not offer to drive to school to see what happened and it worked out well. I had to accept that my child only needs very few close friends and to play familiar games - not lots of new stimulus all the time, and doesn't really like being outside.

You are doing a good job in difficult circumstances.

It won't last forever OP, hang in there.

If she is unhappy at school this is why. Tackle that

@Stonecrop

If she is unhappy at school this is why. Tackle that

Or perhaps she feels low because she gets no exercise and eats too much?

I blame screens for all of this. They destroy creativity completely. There were no screens at all when I was a child and we spent all our time making things, climbing trees and making camps. If I had my time again my son would have had no video games, no phones. No computer and Id have gone to live somewhere remote in Scotland or Wales. Life now has destroyed childhood.
I had a tendency to be a fateenager so my mum forced me to go to karate twice a week whether Iiked it or not and within a year I was fit and slim and obsessed with the sport. She had to make me go for 6 months though before I started enjoying it. Maybe try that?

madcatlady I spent my childhood watching TV.
I’m now a film and TV producer.
I’m willing to bet I’m more creative than most.

We all watched TV too missus. I loved things like children of the stones and the like which really influenced a lot of my life. I never watched trash constantly though. My friends kids have spent their lives indoors watching utter rubbish. There must be a balance. I dont think its healthy to play video games for hours and hours. Its so important to connect with nature and to move.

My son was like this when younger. In fact he was very over weight (10.5 stone at 11). He moaned all the way around Disney in Florida and whenever he had to walk anywhere or do anything. He was diagnosed ASD at 8 and I wondered if the obsessive eating was part of that. I made sure not to make a big deal out of the eating as my mother did the opposite when I was a kid and it affected me badly. I did talk about healthy eating quite a lot and around the time he started secondary school he suddenly started making better food choices. He also shot up in height and matured more in personality. At 13 he is now 5ft 8 and under 9 stone and although he still moans sometimes on walks he is more active and likes getting out and doing things. He still loves his computer but on the flip side he is so good at IT they think he could do his computer science GCSE now and get a grade 9 . My advice is try not to let it affect uiir relationship too much as it is very likely to pass. I understand the worry and frustration you must be feeling I really do!

Cut the wifi.
Lock the food away and keep only healthy stuff available for her.
and look for a sport /hobby she enjoys

She sounds depressed tbh. Not getting enjoyment out of anything, not having concentration, comfort eating. Is she is being bullied at school - is this sorted? Does she need to have some counselling? If she is depressed she needs acceptance and structured support.

@Yeahnahmum

Cut the wifi. Lock the food away and keep only healthy stuff available for her. and look for a sport /hobby she enjoys

Please don't lock food away. That's a one way street to eating issues.

I think sometimes they just don't turn out like you even though you share 50% genetics. My daughter has always been very different to me which was a bit of a shock to me tbh. But, i figure its a profound life lesson about tolerance or something?

I agree re: not locking food away, it IS recipe for disordered eating - get professional help, rule out bullying, deficiencies/health concerns, contact an eating disorder charity for counselling?

It sounds like your daughter needs her confidence building up. Have you considered that she only wants to sit inside on a ipad because she isn't happy?

You clearly need to do some serious work with her and also on your own attitude she will be picking up on your judgement of her. It's also why she is clearly comfort eating.

Why don't you start small and ask her what she wants to do set limits that it has to be an activity out of the house but her choice. In return the other day of the weekend you go for a walk or ride a bike. Find things in her comfort zone so a flat ride to start off with.

I was dragged up hills as a kid and hated it and then got to uni and did rock climbing, skiing, kayaking and hill walking....

Haven't read the full thread, but is your DD competitive? Would something like a Fitbit, which monitors her step count, motivate her to get moving (you could have a competition with her to see who can do the most steps on a day out).

With regards to pestering about food, tell her that the next time there will be food will be at X o'clock. If she continues to pester, you could say that she you've already told her what time the next snack will be and each time she asks, the snack will be delayed by five minutes. If you stick to it, she will quickly learn not to pester. However, try not to make a big deal about her weight. If she is asking for sweets, explain that it's not good for her health/teeth.

And yes to limiting screen time!

Im with you OP. Since when did the 10 yr old become the boss?
I am very outdoorsy too and love going on long walks days out ,Uk hols. Etc. Scotland is amazing!
My dc sometimes moan but generally love it when they are out.

As they get older it does get harder and kids these days are literally obsessed with screens.
What i do is incorporate outdoorsy holidays or days out with something a bit more fun than just walking, depending where we are.
If we are at home in say a weekend, then i will insist in a dog walk say a.m ,meaning my dc are free for games consoles etc later in the day.
Mine do love the zoo etc but even then sometimes its a issue to get then motivated. But great when we actually get there.
Whilst they are still young enough i will enforce it though, as i also have an adult dc and i know there .comes a point when you cannot make them come out with you .
We do also take the dc abroad so they do loads they like like the pool, beach, boat trips. And in the Uk, arcades.etc.
So it's not all boring walks!however, until they can pay i will choose where we go ultimately!!
I also have one child that is food obsessed so i totally get it
He talks all day of What the next meal will be . Days out its constant asking for snacks every 5 min. all the more reason to get moving!!!

Why do people think it's ok to force kids into doing something just because the adults think it's enjoyable? I don't believe it's anything to do with the tech, I'm of an age where we didn't have tech when I was 10 and I still absolutely detested doing the things the OP describes! I still hate going out for long walks and find it incredibly boring!

Jeez people are being really horrible on here to you OP!

Cut yourself and her some slack first off. (Google 'good enough parenting' - its a genuine thing)

Also: 'If you want cake, bake a cake' maybe? (or indeed chocolate chip cookies, or my favourite easy peasy win - Google the Hairy Bikers' Sticky Toffee Pudding - she should be able to do this with minimal help.

If you can keep in with the horse riding thats great. This too shall pass, and it may be that in between phase where you aren't into 'toys' as such but haven't got particular interests yet.

I was an only child, so all I can say is that - yes I DO look back on the long walks with pleasure, BUT not so much the holidays on my own with just my parents (month in a caravan in the north of Scotland as a 12 year old who's just started her periods and there are no shops? not great). Maybe once this shitshow Covid is over you can get some more social trips set up.

A few friends I have have only children and I think often other kids find refuge at their houses and they are the go-to 'come to my house to hang out' parents - which is great for the kids. You hopefully will find this over the next few years (once they get to 11 and you can let thim be at home with their friends and you don't have to feel you are 'babysitting')

solidarity OP

I think its totally ok to force kids to go out for walks. Maybe not a activity they hate like football or swimming, thats not fair. But walking is just walking!! Too many kids and adults are lazy and used to being driven everywhere.

Maybe hillwalking is not everyones cup of tea but just a regular walk is fine!!
Its not healthy to be watching screens etc all day.with no fresh air.

@Time2change2

Children come with their own personalities of course, but this is also shaped by you. If she is overweight, this is because you have let her eat too much of the wrong foods. At 10 you are now going to have a massive battle on your hands getting her to change her eating and tech habits. It’s not too late and it can be done, but you need to be consistent and very firm. If she has had a good filling breakfast (not crap like croissants or sugary cereal) I mean porridge, eggs, protein etc then snacks until lunch are healthy ones. Fruit, raw veg, nuts or more protein (hard boiled eggs, fish, cooked chicken) She will moan, she will cry, sulk, scream even. Any what? You are the parent. You buy the food. No mean no and no matter what she does, these are the rules. Her stomach will shrink as she looses weight and she won’t feel so hungry all the time. All the while she is overweight she has a greater and greater appetite, it’s a vicious circle. Lose weight, adjust and change the types of food she is eating and do it now. A life time of health problems await her if you don’t act as her parent. As for the tech, my 3 (similar ages to your DD) have approx 1 hour a day on tech. It’s around 4 or 5 pm usually after a day out whilst I’m having a cup of tea or cooking. That’s it. That’s the rule. Devices need to be shut away until then. Why can’t you do that? Then she will learn that it’s no good asking for them earlier, it’s going to be no, later. If she keeps asking, then I’m afraid she looses them for that day. You need to massively toughen up. So many kids I see don’t want to go out and why??? Because they want to be at home with their tech! It’s tragic. Once she knows there is no tech, she may be more interested in coming out with you. Find snacks that are healthy she enjoys and take them out with you. Entice her with a small naughty treat at the end of a long walk if needs be

Every single bit of this!!!

I set boundaries for DS from day 1 - he knows no iPad/Xbox on a school night, no phone after 8pm, if I tell him it's time to come off (been on too long) he comes off, no arguments, no snacks/treats unless he's eaten his meals.

re: the exercise have you only just started this up? DS will happily come cycling or fell walking with me because we've done it since he was a baby..... but now that he's older (almost 13) if there are days he doesn't fancy it (has a better offer from his friends) I don't make him go. My passion is swimming - he hates it though so I don't take him, we do the stuff he does like (cycling) instead!

Be the parent and set the boundaries, she sulks and has a tantrum - so what? She's learned that doing so makes you relent - stand firm OP and good luck!!!

@madcatladyforever

I blame screens for all of this. They destroy creativity completely. There were no screens at all when I was a child and we spent all our time making things, climbing trees and making camps. If I had my time again my son would have had no video games, no phones. No computer and Id have gone to live somewhere remote in Scotland or Wales. Life now has destroyed childhood. I had a tendency to be a fateenager so my mum forced me to go to karate twice a week whether Iiked it or not and within a year I was fit and slim and obsessed with the sport. She had to make me go for 6 months though before I started enjoying it. Maybe try that?

There's your answer^. Get rid of the iPad, and I guarantee she will find other, more active, more creative, things to do. It will take a while, because she is addicted, and her imagination is crushed, but she will get there.

Obviously, simply removing the iPad at this stage would be too draconian, but you need to set up some rules on screen use. An hour a day on school days and two hours a day on weekends would be a start.

One other suggestion - could she bring a friend on walks/short trips? Might help.