To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

@LemonDrizzles

To *@Limeandlemon* , sorry to hear your difficulty. Sound like you received a mixed bag of opinions on this thread already.

Just to add my thoughts into your mix. Ask her to take up just one free outdoor activity of her liking, and you will match her times outdoors with Ipad time. Some caveats. It has to be something she can easily access. Also, in my experience, it often works that 30 minutes of this physical activity = 2 hours of screen time. Also, to keep the peace, you may offer 1 hour of screen time regardless if she does her outdoors activity or not. My hope would be of course for her to sign up to a local free girls football club!

I relate a lot to your post by the way. Hang in there!

Good advice.

We use screentime as an incentive. The DCs (7&9) nearly always get an allowence of time (unless they've done something outrageous like delete the parental controls app off my phone...) and things like going for a country walk earn extra time. Even in a tech-ban, they can earn some time back with extra chores.

I'm aware of what they do and can hold basic conversation about it. As a family, we're Pokemon Go-ing a lot to jazz up the walks as having few other options to be active for 7+ months has worn more than a little thin.

Years back it was easier to just let a 10yr old out and just play and not be sedentary, and that age group has lost some autonomy. Especially now when many of the formal activities that fill the gap are absent. These are not easy times for parenting.

Why not get an active wii game, or whatever tech it is nowadays ( im out of touch) but something fun and active you can play together. Don't buy anything with added sugar. Eating sugar increases the appetite. She's 10, you can totally control her diet.

Bloody hell. Poor girl.

I'm sorry to tell you that a weekend in the great outdoors is boring as fuck to most kids.

We recently went to the Peak District for a couple of days.

I made sure to research things that were a hit more exciting for the kids. And we also had a night at Alton Towers so it was fun for everyone in different ways.

Sounds like you don't consider your DD in "family" activities.

If being on the ipad makes her happy then let her?? Could you sit with her on the couch or wherever and watch what she's watching? If she doesn't feel you're 'judging' her or about to tell her to get off her fat arse and come for a walk she might open up a bit? Would she like a pet? I dunno but I feel a bit sorry for her. I know I know, it's incredibly irritating and annoying, I went through similar with my dd. She's 16 now and says herself she was a "dick" (her word!) at that age. I think you have to satisfy your OWN need for fresh air and exercise, and when you feel in a happier frame of mind yourself, hopefully that will rub off on your dd. Unfortunately she's at that age now, where telling her whats good for her will just put her off it. Leave her alone - leave her be, and see what happens, you might be surprised. Maybe she's desperate for your approval but feels she can never get it? Try and imagine you are her for a few minutes - a bit down, a bit depressed, fed up, doesn't like school very much, ipad time and eating for comfort provides her with some relief, but you're trying to take that away from her all the time... Is there anyone else she is close to, like a grandparent, or aunt or uncle, or cousin, who could maybe spend some time with her in a non-judgemental way, so she doesn't feel so criticised.

BTW I don't agree that screens are the cause of ALL of it. I hated exercise as a kid, still do, I just hate getting all sweaty and out of breath. My parents gave me every chance, but I hated team games, hated them, hated anything with a ball as I was so useless at it. I did have a bike and that gave me a bit of independence from them, so I used that. And I think I used to have to walk more back then than kids do now. I 'escaped' as a kid by reading books, and eating whilst reading - my 'go to' escapism. If you're that worried about her sedentary lifestyle could you incorporate exercise into her day without her noticing - like walking to the shop instead of driving, or walking to school. I notice that ds is a lot fitter since I stopped driving him to school - he could get the bus, but he chooses to walk. if she's not sporty and she doesn't like exercise I don't think anything will 'work'. she likes riding though - that's good, but expensive lol. Do you know anyone with a horse where she could do mucking out and grooming the ponies maybe. Difficult with covid though. is there somewhere you could walk to to feed the pony an apple. I dunno, it's tricky but I don't think being all draconian with her will have any effect, she will just dig in more. Entice her, support her, don't judge her, and she will come round - everyone wants to be liked at the end of the day - and she probably feels you hate her atm, and even though she's digging in, it will be upsetting her a lot, even if she doesn't show it :)

My DD is also screen obsessed and loves food so I get where you are coming from. She went through a phase of moaning a lot on walks, mostly during the last lockdown, but seems to be fine on walks in woods and if it is interspersed occasionally with a day out interesting like a castle, museum or NT property. Biscuits help get her around the walk! She also dislikes a lot of sport but found she likes swimming, which, lockdown aside, she now does 3 times a week. I also involve her in cooking and let her try everything. I get her to watch things like Bake Off and Tilly and the Ramsay Bunch which interests her. Or Youtube baking videos. Or making a smoothie. I definitely have to curb the amount of crap I buy. Halloween was a nightmare really. It's all in her room now but I let her have little and often.

It's hard to find a balance though and a new lockdown won't help my DD because swimming was massively helping.

Ps my friend gives her kids a sandwich after school, then tea later. They do come out really hungry. Maybe she needs fewer snacks but bigger portions of the good stuff?

Are you hiding this level of contempt from her, or is she aware of how you feel about her? Because if I were living with someone who was complaining about how fat and lazy I am, I wouldn't be very happy either.

Why not try talking to her about what she's doing on the iPad. Watch a film with her, or play games with her, and then suggest that she might try something you like, as you've enjoyed doing something she likes.

Don't keep junk food in the house, or keep the kinds of snack food that don't cause problems (rice cakes with a bit of chocolate on, nice fruit, babybels etc).

If you make this into a battle ground now then you're going to be fighting it for the rest of your life.

Who feeds her?
Who buys the food?
Who gives her the iPad?

Oh yeah, you.

Maybe if you put as much time and effort into parenting properly as you do complaining on her you might get somewhere.

is there somewhere you could walk to to feed the pony an apple

Please don't do this unless you know the owner and they say it's OK. So many problems...choking, biting, fighting in the field when they see one horse getting an apple, overeating, colic (big vet bills) - during lockdown there has been a big increase in people who see other people's horses as free entertainment. They're really not.

That’s the most curious part of this. The diet and screen time of a 10 year old are both the responsibilities of, and under the control of, the parents.

Wow!have you read your post back?it screams that your daughter is holding you back from living the life YOU want to live.And your title is unkind.
You have to sit down and talk to her,be open to really hearing how she feels and then agree to compromise.She will be well aware she doesn't match up to your expectations and is probably comfort eating.
You chose to have a child but you don't get to choose her likes and dislikes.
Start to put her first and form some bonds.

I am an outdoorsy person but I used to dread the Family Walks that would occur on Sundays in summer in Derbyshire. We'd have a windy car journey and a walk somewhere which could be pretty, but was often using a crappy hand drawn map and rather a lot of walking on rather scary A-roads (walking on country roads sounds a lot nicer than it actually).
If we were lucky we'd have some Panda Cola or a rubbish picnic - it was the 1980's so being thirsty was the order of the day since no-one carried water.
Thing is, I much preferred to be somewere more wild and free without having to worry about livestock, KEEP OUT signs and of course, roads. In hindsight, there was very little to do in the East Midlands that didn't cost money and I see that they were doing their best but it was SO boring and I hated the car journeys. That and the fact that a trip to the beach was out of the question - way too landlocked and there were no nice lakes or rivers for swimming/watersports nearby.

I think the issue is she doesn't feel listened to and hasn't found her physicallity yet. Perhaps active video games might be a way into this - don't just dismiss things.

We are a family if 5.
4 if us loved being outdoors, however our youngest DC always hated it and had to be cajoled into everything, even skiing wasnt his thing.
We joke that he still cant tell a magpie from a bloody pied wagtail.
But I guess that's just not important to some people.
He always loved tech, he now works at a really high level in it and earns more than DH and I combined.
You just have to embrace your differences and find activities that you can share. She shouldnt be overweight though, its neglectful of you to let her get that way.

DON'T FEED THE PONY AN APPLE

I want her to be the best version of HERSELF

What does she say when you ask her what the best version of herself is like?

I'm really confused about the family set-up here. Who is the 'we' who is doing stuff with her? Because I think from previous posts you're not with her dad, and broke up with your most recent partner 10 months ago?

Basically, if 'we took her to Cairngorms/the zoo' means you already have another partner who you have introduced her to so quickly (or god forbid moved in with) it's no wonder she's having issues, on top of being bullied at school. If her life is chaotic and she feels unimportant and unsupported, comfort food and the soothing numbness of mindless tech viewing is going to fill that void very neatly.

Do you treat her with love? Do you talk? Do you make time for her just to be with her? Do you eat meals together?

I'm sorry to say but calling your own child 'a weight on you' is incredibly horrible and quite revealing. You think she's there to augment your life, whether you'll admit that or not; rather than acknowledging that you are (or should be) her world and if she's struggling emotionally and self-soothing with food there are unmet needs there.

@MumbleJunction

She sounds depressed tbh. Not getting enjoyment out of anything, not having concentration, comfort eating. Is she is being bullied at school - is this sorted? Does she need to have some counselling? If she is depressed she needs acceptance and structured support.

Yes, her daughter is being bullied at home and at school - see OPs previous thread from a few weeks ago.

People always seem to get a hard time on here if they dare say anything negative about the reality of being overweight, but I can see the OPs concern. Her daughter will likely feel much worse about it in a few years when all her friends are getting boyfriends, or even worse, if the other kids start calling her 'fatty' or something equally unkind.

The easiest time to lose the weight is now.

Start by spending time with her. You work full time, her dad is largely absent. She's having multiple hours a day on a screen. She's not allowed friends over. Who's actually spending time with her? She must be lonely.

When I was 10 years old I would have been bored stiff going "bird watching and hill walking." in fact at 28 that still sounds like my idea of hell.

At 10 years old DD can't buy her own food, you provide the food in the house so if she's over weight from eating it's most likely down to what you've got stored in the fridge, cupboards, etc. Most likely will just be puppy fat and it will naturally come off. In the mean time, I would try not to damage her self esteem too much or make her feel like a burden because she doesn't enjoy the same things you do!

When I was 10 years old I would have been bored stiff going "bird watching and hill walking." in fact at 28 that still sounds like my idea of hell

Hell?!

I would have enjoyed it and so would my dcs when they were 10, in fact this is basically what we did when we were on holiday in France with little money.

They are fit, healthy, sociable teens/adults.

Sitting in front of screens for an excessive amount of time is one of the worst things you can do for young kids.

My friends dd is addicted to her horrible iPad, she's also spoilt, whiny, overweight and only ever speaks to her mum and glares at everyone else. Hopefully she'll grow out of it because it makes her a very unlikeable child.

I think there's a middle ground between hill walking and an addiction to screens.

My dd is ten...she's not especially sporty or outdoorsy but that doesn't mean she's glued to screens.

She loves baking, arts and crafts, lego, reading, she still plays with toys.

Exercise is important obviously but some people just aren't naturally sporty or interested in that. No point forcing it. Find things she does like and is interested in.