To be so upset about my lazy, overweight ten year old

[Limeandlemon]

Dd is 10, she’s overweight and obsessed with food. She comes in from school and goes straight to the fridge. She constantly asks for stuff, she sneaks stuff behind my back when I’m in the bath or upstairs.
On days out she constantly asks for food, what’s for lunch even when she’s just had her breakfast. I’m sick of it.
She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on. She moans she doesn’t want to walk, she moans she’s bored, she drags her feet and walks about with her face like thunder.
I’m really outdoorsy, I love being out hill walking, bird watching, going to seaside etc but she holds me back and complains about everything.
We took her away for a nights stay in an air b&b in the Cairngorms, an hour from where we live and she complained that nobody else does this stuff, why can’t we just be normal. Why can’t we celebrate Halloween by sitting in eating sweets and watching movies.
She’s so ungrateful.
She’s obsessed with watching YouTube videos and glued to her iPad. I can’t get her interested in anything else.
She goes horse riding once a week and that’s all I can afford, plus corona virus restrictions mean we can’t sign her up to anything else for now.
I work full time and it’s dark when I finish so can’t take her to the park after school now.
She’s an only child and gets bored easily, no play dates with current restrictions but have had a couple of park meetings when I can with her and her friends but can’t manage more than once a fortnight.
I’m at my wits end with her and I’m not enjoying being a parent just now. I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable. I just want to have family days out without screaming arguments.
Anyone in the same boat?

Honestly op I feel so sad for your DD. If she has disordered eating, chastising her for it isn't going to help.

I don't blame her for not wanting to go on days out with you, when you clearly don't like her. She's not stupid, she knows.

I think you're going to have to be a bit smarter about this.

Technology is addictive. Even adults struggle with it - the incessant scrolling, clicking, tailored videos and recommendations. It’s a drug. The iPad needs to go full stop.

For us always a compromise, today we went for a two hour walk, if she came without fuss she then got an afternoon doing what she wanted.

She whinged first first 20 mins that it was boring / too cold / wet / hungry. Till I bent down looked her in the eye and said we are going on this walk and you have a choice to walk and try to enjoy it or walk and make every feel bad about it, however option 2 will cause a consequence of not having screens. After 5 minutes she was rolling around on the grass with the dog, walking through shallow rivers and just generally enjoying the moment.

Compromise.

This thread is rampant with inadequate mean girls, piling on when they’ve taken confidence from a ‘big girl’ (longtime regular) who has immediately opened the attack on the OP. It is uncomfortable reading.

The sheer spite and unbelievable projection that the OP ‘hates’ her daughter, is a shit parent, and this one was a stretch even by MN standards, shouldn’t have had her daughter in the first place... fucking hell.

Is this really what Mumsnet is now? Not at all supportive and no better than the vitriolic outpourings on social media? It really is just grown up cyber bullying.

I’m sure someone will be along to illustrate my point in a moment but can people just stop before they post and think about the real person receiving the notifications?

[quote Limeandlemon]@doctorhamster so what do you suggest then? Let her stay glued to her iPad all day lazing about, with no fresh air or exercise?
From where I’m standing I see plenty families spend time outdoors doing things with minimal fuss. I don’t want her to be a mini version of me but I don’t want screaming arguments every time we go out to places for a walk or to do an outdoor activity.
She would even kick off if we went to the zoo. All she wants to do is stay home on her iPad all day.
If you are going to criticise then at least have a solution.[/quote]
I'd suggest building a relationship with her by doing things with her that she likes, even i
If that is watching TV and baking. Once your relationship had improved and your daughter feels accepted for who she is, maybe you can insist she occasionally does something you want to do

Some people here are being judgy and unkind, I understand to a point what you mean. My eldest is the same age and has a propensity to eat too much and do too little. If left to it she would spend a lot of time on roblox or the TV and not much else. The whinging and arguments can be very draining.
However at this age many of the issues are still well within your control.
You control (or can) her food intake.
You control her screen usage.
Limited screen time (if it’s not already) has got to be enforced. The moaning (which is deeply annoying) has to be ignored. Make sure other activities are available and then leave her to it. She WILL find other interests if there isn’t an alternative. I would also attempt to swap the riding for cheaper, more active hobbies.

You sound like my DM was when I was that age.

Maybe I wasn't as bad as that, like I would have enjoyed the zoo for example

But I was dragged around a lot of outdoorsy places from a young age and the novelty soon wore thin.

I also had a rather sweet tooth my parents didn't

@Rotundandhappy

This thread is rampant with inadequate mean girls, piling on when they’ve taken confidence from a ‘big girl’ (longtime regular) who has immediately opened the attack on the OP. It is uncomfortable reading.

The sheer spite and unbelievable projection that the OP ‘hates’ her daughter, is a shit parent, and this one was a stretch even by MN standards, shouldn’t have had her daughter in the first place... fucking hell.

Is this really what Mumsnet is now? Not at all supportive and no better than the vitriolic outpourings on social media? It really is just grown up cyber bullying.

I’m sure someone will be along to illustrate my point in a moment but can people just stop before they post and think about the real person receiving the notifications?

um, I wouldn't recognise a MN regular if they changed their username to state so. My opinions are my own, thanks.

Thing is, usually when OPs struggling with their kids post they tend to include some good points about the child too, to counteract the issue they are raising. They seem to be annoyed or upset about whatever the issue is but not or angry with or resentful of their child. Whereas some exact quotes just from the first paragraph from the OP are:

She ruins every day out or walk we ever go on.
She’s so ungrateful.
I'm sick of it
she holds me back
I almost feel like I have a weight tied to me holding me back from doing anything that I find enjoyable.

Nowhere does OP point out anything at all positive about their own child. It reads really really horribly, and no wonder it's struck a chord with posters who felt similarly disapproved of in their own childhoods.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with OPs actual aim of decreasing the time her DD spends eating and on sedentary hobbies and increasing activities, but for some reason OP has dismissed every single thing her DD does like (some of which are either completely free or less expensive than some of the things OP has forced her DD into doing) and is only trying to push her into things OP finds valuable. The fact that so many posters have pointed out the same thing suggests that there could actually be some merit in what they are saying and OP could benefit from at least considering that POV, not that they are 'ganging up on her.'

@Rotundandhappy How do you think the OPs daughter would feel if she read here what her mother posted?

It's one thing to come to Mumsnet for advice, quite another to slag off your own daughter's weight, interests and attitude.

The girl is 10. She's an only child, in lockdown. On another thread she's being bullied. The OP is her mum, the one who should love her unconditionally. Parenting is really tough at times, we've all been there, but the OP has nothing nice to say about her daughter.

She's lazy, overweight, moans, ruins everything, complains, is ungrateful.... and that's just from the first post.

If there's a pile on, we might be mean girls, or maybe we can help the OP think about her attitude and relationship with her daughter. Kids do not get easier as they hit teens, especially if you resent them already.

Tiktok has been fab for my dd. She’s really toned up since she’s started learning and practising the dances so much and we have a good laugh trying some of the challenges together.
Also she likes doing making tiktoks with interesting backgrounds so maybe this could be a way of tempting your dd outdoors?
Walks with friends are much more fun than with your mum (sorry!) I’m not sure what your restrictions are but could you meet up with one of her friends and their mum so you both have someone to talk to.
Mine would normally whinge at the prospect of a walk but has happily traipsed round the woods for hours with a friend today and I got some adult conversation-win win.

Food wise-some people will be horrified but chewing gum is good for giving your mouth something to do without consuming too many calories. It works well for my kids who are prone to boredom eating

I am struggling to get my daughter (9) outdoors-she has additional needs and refusing to leave house for walks. I am going to try geocaching at the weekend for the first time. I’m going to try and make it an adventure and if it goes ok to try and get her to hide her own geocache. Her sister is eager to get out, so I hope it works. Something we should be able to do over lockdown too. Maybe you could try it as a bonding activity with your daughter?

Please get some therapy for you and your daughter. There is something really wrong with the tone of your post ☹️

OP, in case you are still reading...

My dd is the same age and I think it's quite normal for girls this age to put on weight before puberty. You said she just wants to sit and do nothing all day-thats the joys of the next few years I'm afraid!

Personally, I think if you make her do every walk when she is telling you so strongly 'no', that it will back fire. My dd is very strong willed and suffers with her mental health a lot. I use choice and compromise and it works so much better than insisting and getting into a fight. We both like each other a lot more! I don't let her get away with doing nothing, far from it. But I do let some things go.

You asked about hobbies and such. My dd has recently been given a phone by her dad (my xh). She's not actually that bothered and can go all day without looking at it. When she does have a particularly down day that's spent on her phone watching YouTube make up tutorials, she knows she has to give it me when I say.

She is absolutely not allowed tiktok. The age rating is there for a reason. Some of the things on there are shockingly inappropriate. Surely you saw the news recently of the person who committed suicide and filmed it on there? My dd is far from perfect and I have had all sorts of trouble with her I'm the past, but this rule she does respect and understands why. I won't allow her Snapchat and any social media either. I know I will have to relent on this in the next 18months or so. But certainly not while she is still at primary school.
My dd does a dance lesson once or twice a week (she is actually very good despite not being the usual build for a dancer) and also swims (again has gotten very good). In normal times she would also be going to scouts-she has loved cubs and it has given her so many opportunities. She also has a trampoline that during lockdown she spent literally hours on. Her bike too. But again, when she is in her lazy, down mood, she might not want to do any of the above. She needs coaxing and bribing.
The eating and sneaking food is an issue here too. She eats an awful lot more than me, despite me being a bit of a fatty too. But she is growing massively (major growth spurt) and definitely starting puberty. I think that's normal. I wish she would eat healthier but the fact is she is a much nicer person to have around compared to this time last year, so letting that slide for the time being. Let's get to the other side of 2020. for you.

And she has loved watching her step count in the past and also Pokémon go if you haven't done either of those things before.

how about you offer to take her and a friend of her choice for a week in Butlins, when that is allowed again.
you could look them up together and ask her to pick which one, which location she would prefer, if available, with a second choice.
unfortunately nothing like that can happen at the moment.
but it might help make a bridge, a project, something for her.

I would start by talking to the doctor.
Overeating and being overweight and tired can signal underlying health condition.
That ruled out, obvious solution is to keep your refrigerator empty and restrict eating to mealtimes. Maybe I am being naive about what ten year olds are like but I always thought as a parent you are perfectly entitled to set rules in your own house.

Limiting screen time is a good idea if you can’t get her off it.

It is not unusual for a 10 yo prefer an iPad to a walk with their parents.

Lots of people have gained weight during lockdown. She must be getting some activity though niw she is back at school.

Most kids come home from school hungry and head for the fridge. What is in there is up to you. What does she eat? You need to provide healthier options. Weight is not all about exercise.

How overweight is she? Lots of tweens gain a little weight but this even out as they grown. It has with my son who used to look sturdy rather than fat but is now tall and slim at 14.

You can’t expect her to be grateful for taking her on holidays she doesn’t like it day trips she isn’t bothered about. You need to involve her in the decision making.

I don’t know how much horse riding is but you say you can’t afford for her to do on it more but then complain about the cost of day trips. Maybe allow her to do extra just in the school holidays.

She is not unreasonable to want to watch a movie and eat sweets on Halloween! When you say you limit sweets I wonder how this is done. Does she eat sweets when she is out because she isn’t allowed at home and thereby do so in a more unhealthy way? Is she aware of what is healthy and what isn’t? Please be careful how you address this with her. Don’t cut ‘carbs’ for a growing child but steer her towards unrefined whole grains rather than white bread or pasta. 50/50 bread is a good option if she doesn’t like brown.

Also to add, you say she is ‘sneaking food’? My DS has never needed to sneak food as I have never said he can’t eat something. I might ask if he is hungry or thirsty ( he forgets to drink) or remind him dinner won’t be long but even then I never stopped him. He doesn’t have to ask my permission to eat food we have in the house. What is she sneaking? If it is unhealthy food make it less available. Do you make her feel bad for eating or just elk her no? Make sure she is full at meals and feed her things that keep you full. Have healthy options available for when she is hungry.

I would prefer to stay in watching films and eating sweets, and I'm a 46 year old adult
Seriously though, I'm the least outdoorsy person alive, and unless a walk has a specific purpose, you can count me out!

I think you need to forget about her being overweight for the moment, which you seem massively hung up about. She sounds unhappy and disconnected from her parents, because she thinks you dislike and disapprove of her.

You seem to be struggling to see her as a separate person to you, and pre-teens really start to become their own person. I'm not surprised she wants to spend hours gaming as this is a great way to connect with friends it sounds like she can't see as much out of school.

Everyone at the moment is doing things they find comforting right now and your daughter is no different.

I suggest your main goal now should be connecting with her and reassuring her that you like and love her, regardless of any other consideration. Literally your one job as a parent is to raise a confident, capable young person with good self esteem, regardless of their body shape or what they enjoy doing.

Talk to her about what she would like to do and connect with her over it, at least have a go and try and understand her perspective. Sign up for a Roblox account yourself and join in. Get her to help you make food with her- things she likes, no matter how unhealthy.

You have such a short amount of time with your children - do things that she wants to do, theme parks (obvs not right now) seaside and Disneyworld. There will be all the time in the world for hill walking when she leaves home. Just get her out but make it fun, National trust walks with trails or activities, scavenger hunts, ghost walks walking TO something and not just for the sake of it. You can walk 10 miles round a theme park - it doesn’t have to be rolling hills.

This sounds miserable for both of you. It’s worth reading and considering the impact screen time has on some children’s focus, concentration and ability to engage in life.
It seems obvious to me that you need to take certain action. There is no easy immediate solution.

1. Stop focusing on food and exercise in the short term. This will be easier to address once other issues dealt with.
2. You need to ban screens totally for 2-3 months. Apart from a social film evening once a week or so. Painful and noisy withdrawal will occur. It will get worse before improvement.
3. Plan and provide lots of alternative activities. From boring jigsaws to sewing, clay modelling, gardening, jewellery making, craft, puzzles etc. These will seem boring and uninteresting initially.
4. Plan a menu in advance and do not have food available beyond this. Don’t store unhealthy, ready to eat snacks. And no sermon about food. Just have food for planned meals (including time for cake and sweet things etc). And make the new plan not about her. And just do it, let it be the way things are now. Don’t make big drama about it. Because your daughter will create the drama initially and you need to be calm and unemotional about it if possible.
5. She needs a loving adult present with her as much as possible. Just being available and present. Not trying to make her do anything. But also calmly setting boundaries etc as needed - but if screens are removed and no unhealthy easy to eat snacks accessible then this creates less to intervene with.
6. Get ready for a massive meltdown and extreme protest and boredom. It’s withdrawal. Maybe plan this for a week you can take off work and aim for a movie night together after the first few days?

Slowly she will be more able to engage in the world around her and maybe other painful emotional issues will emerge that have been hidden by food/screen distraction.

If you want your daughter to change it will take time, investment, energy, love and commitment. She cannot change if you don’t change things.

I hope you read this. Good luck! 🍀🌈💐

I see pokemon go has been suggested.
Also what about a step counter / fitbit
Borrow a dog to walk.

My oldest dc hates the outdoors and classes putting the recycling out as being outdoors
Another of my children is obsessed with screens. I say, they go off at x time.

Get your dd to bake with you rather than buying biscuits. You may have forgotten to get something so you need to walk to the shops with her...
Don't be down on her cos shes not like you. She will have qualities that are wonderful but perhaps you don't know it.
Embrace her and help her

I don't think the screen is the issue per se although I would probably limit it and also try to understand what it is she's looking at online so I could engage her in those activities more in real life if they are suitable. Mindless scrolling yes I wouldn't allow it, but that's because it's harmful for everyone including adults.

As i mentioned upthread my parents would probably have described me in the terms that OP uses (I got called lazy and selfish a lot, was never diagnosably overweight but definitely did a lot of comfort eating esp when i got access to my own money, then the bulimia) but actually i was just a relatively introverted, bookish child who didn't enjoy most of the activities that my parents had assigned for me, which even now they don't really seem to be able to understand.

A lot of the suggestions here seem to be about addressing the symptoms rather than the cause, which is that the DD is unhappy for a variety of reasons and her parents need to work with her to help her feel more secure and engage with them again and rebuild a relationship where both parties give and take. OK sure so a child doesn't get to dictate everything but equally if their own desires are totally ignored and dismissed as they get older all you get is disaffection, rebellion and unhappiness all round.

I understand your frustration with the moaning and whining op. It is exhausting. But dont you remember hating all those bloody seafront walks and trips to some local natural beauty area at a similar age?! I hated all that when I was a kid and I expect my mum found my whining tiresome. My DC are a bit younger and I drag them on walks on the agreement that the next day or weekend we will do something they want like the trampoline park. I let them take a camera so they can take some nice pictures and turn them into a collage or email them to a grandma.
Would suggest like others that you pull the plaster off on so much screen time and say 1.5 hours a day or something. Rest of the time is for reading, homework or hobbies. She will get over it at some point. Lower your expectations of 10 year olds!