To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

@MrsSchadenfreude

I think to take a few years out is fine, but to still be a SAHM when kids are in their teens or older, then yes, you have wasted your education. You become one of those people who “keeps themselves busy” doing housework, going to the gym, meeting people for coffee, maybe a stint in the Oxfam shop. And your husband sits there in the evening eating his dinner while you chatter on about new hoover bags and wonders what happened to the bright and funny girl he met at university. And gets resentful that he is in work all hours, funding you to sit on your arse or do Pilates all day. It rarely ends well.

Your name sounds about right . I'm joking of course and I do hear what you're saying, just thought it was funny!

It’s not one or the other. Very few people are SAHMs for decades. You might take a year or two out but surely you will need to work and your career will help with that? Are you really expecting a man to subsidise you for decades? It’s not the 1950s, you know. I’ve raised two kids and worked and have a degree. Pretty normal these days.

@catspyjamas123 You're right, it's not the 1950s. I'm fortunate to have a choice!

I would say because my education was an experience and an end in itself. I guess it’s not what you learn so much even; more the way you learn to think. That gives you opportunities and choices in life that you might not otherwise have. So, in this sense, you have the confidence to be yourself - to be a SAHM and own it because you have nothing to prove.

Also, most jobs are fairly defined and repetitive roles, even if they may appear / sound interesting from the outside. Most people don’t directly use the knowledge gained in their degree etc in their daily work life because there’s a difference in practical skills and academic skills..

But hopefully, whether you work or SAH, education helps to inform that choice and gives you confidence to do what is right for you.

(It also really makes a difference when your kids are doing A-levels and you have the ability and time to help).

MrsSchadenfreude, that's really not true.
You are aware that not everyone's job is fascinating and therefore a topic of scintillating conversation?
Not everyone defines themselves by their job and it is the responsibility of individuals to read and learn and be able to take part in conversations. There are plenty of full time workers who are not particularly interesting people to talk to.

@Joeyandpacey

Sorry to have not read the whole thread but I’m a SAHM and am really proud of my education. It was a wonderful experience and formed the person I am today. I am academically minded and apply these skills to life as well as work.

I had a great career before kids and now I homeschool (which for me is 100% more rewarding) I feel I have so much experience to bring, I’ve studied arts and sciences, I lived in different countries and speak several languages. I have a lot to offer.

In the future I may well study more or do more for myself work wise when I have my hands less full. No regrets.

This is very similar to my story. Uni, great career, post grad studies in my chosen speciality (not education). For years I felt my career was rewarding and enjoyable.

I now home ed my children after giving up my career. Eight years on, I can honestly say I have never regretted it. I find homeschooling my children far more rewarding than my career ever was.

I'm also learning every day with my children, which I find fantastic. I will never regret my education, I loved the experience of University and it has given me the life experience and confidence I have today, along with the knowledge of 'learning how to learn'. What makes me immensely happy though, is the joy I see on DCs faces every day. After a few years in school their love of learning was fading fast, now they soak up learning, are passionate and eager and love life. Watching their hunger for learning and being part of that is an absolute privilege that I will never regret.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously well yes, that is of course true. But I am talking about women who choose not to go back to work ever - even when their kids are grown and have left home. From their conversation, I am not sure there is much reading and learning going on. I was at a friend’s a few months ago, and her conversation hinged on her Pilates class, whether she should walk the dog on a different route the next day, that the new dishwasher tablets weren’t as good as Finish and how big her daughter’s feet were now.

She has a degree in international relations from a RG university, married straight after uni and has never really had a job.

But you don't know that her husband is any more interesting. There are boring people and interesting ones. Whether a person has worked full time since university or not, has little bearing on it, imo.

OP (I would quote your post but I'm afraid I'm relatively new to mumsnet and haven't worked out how to do it yet!) you say it's your choice but realistically you're relying on your DH to fund your choice. Sadly while he might be happy with that at the moment, what will you do if in five years he decides actually no, I'm not happy with this. Because it happens a lot. No one gets married thinking they will split up, but about half of marriages end in divorce

“I was at a friend’s a few months ago, and her conversation hinged on her Pilates class, whether she should walk the dog on a different route the next day, that the new dishwasher tablets weren’t as good as Finish and how big her daughter’s feet were now.”

Yet here you are MrsS - and your topic of conversation repeat the boring words of the “friend” random people to prove that she is boring but you are not.

Doesn’t that make you double-boring?

Never mind, I’m sure you’ll transform back to scintillating as soon as you’re back in work tomorrow

On a personal level, education is an amazing thing. Whether or not your degree is directly applicable to your job.

I am also aware, as many pp note, of the link between maternal academic achievement and how that influences the children. How much is cause/effect and how much association I'm not sure.

On a more general level. I really struggle with the idea that children (boys and girls) are encouraged to achieve, aim high. Until the girls have kids and it's ok to drop it all.

Girls. Aim high. Just not too high or you might exceed the boys.

This is not meant to be derogatory to SAHM (although I do realise some will see it as such). I do sometimes wonder how a sahm squares this with her children. Are they expected to do likewise, or is it all personal choice?

I would definitely agree that sah can only work if you are married to someone who values your contribution and doesn't see it as less than their own. Too many men (and some women) view it as sponging or an easy option. A lot don't acknowledge that the woh parent can also derive a great deal of benefit from the arrangement since they have no childcare issues. If you end up married to someone who sees childcare as women's work and not of any value, they will let you do it all while they career build and then get resentful when you no longer have the earning power from pre DC.
It is risky. Make sure you have assets in your name too and ensure your pension credits are paid. Sorry, not exactly what you asked for but it's worth thinking about.

@tilder

On a personal level, education is an amazing thing. Whether or not your degree is directly applicable to your job.

I am also aware, as many pp note, of the link between maternal academic achievement and how that influences the children. How much is cause/effect and how much association I'm not sure.

On a more general level. I really struggle with the idea that children (boys and girls) are encouraged to achieve, aim high. Until the girls have kids and it's ok to drop it all.

Girls. Aim high. Just not too high or you might exceed the boys.

This is not meant to be derogatory to SAHM (although I do realise some will see it as such). I do sometimes wonder how a sahm squares this with her children. Are they expected to do likewise, or is it all personal choice?

Are they expected to do likewise, or is it all personal choice?

Well, as your post is all about judgments of other women and their choices, it's your expectation on your kids I'd be most worried about.
I couldn't care less if my daughter is a career woman, a SAHM or if she just works to pay the bills and enjoy her weekend. If she's happy, I'm happy.

I often wonder if it’s viewed as wasted education

@Mrsshadenfruede out of interest, when you were at your friends house what was your conversational piece that you felt was stimulating to her ?

Been mulling over this thread and the fact that this question is still asked at all is indicative of how little raising children (regardless of whether you say or woh) is valued by society. As if any idiot can do it well and so it doesn't matter whether their carer is educated and can share the benefit of that education.
There's a prevailing attitude that it's only worth educating women if they will be using it to directly generate income. Good forbid a woman (especially if she's a sahp) be educated solely for her own personal satisfaction!

Meh. I have two degrees and worked incredibly hard for ten years. Then kids/sahm -> now unemployable and live a pretty menial life, do I regret the hard work yes probably. My second (vocational) degree wasn’t pointless but the first (arts) degree was a complete pretentious waste of time. Don’t regret being a sahm but wish I hadn’t worked so hard building a City career that evaporated. What I should have done was build a more low key non-City career that could work around school hours etc. I have a friend who’s a vet and after 8 yrs off she’s walked easily into a fab part time local job. My City job was central London only with no chance of part time. 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

So... If I did it avain I would do a vocational first degree, no second degree, and instead of going for the highest paid graduate job I would go for something local but with longevity and flexibility to do in different locations like vet/teacher/doctor/counsellor...

I think many many women start careers without thinking of whether/how it fits with future kids, then realise it doesn’t and so become SAHMs. No one really tells you to think about that at the outset through!

OP, do you even have children yet?

If not, and I mean this as kindly as possible, I’d wait until you have them before you commit to being a SAHM and/or home educating.

The reality of childcare seven days a week is quite a shock to the system...

I see a PP has got here before me, but - OP this thread sounds awfully familiar. Why do you keep starting them? You clearly aren’t going to change your mind about never wanting to work, what perspective are you seeking?

FWIW I don’t think education is ever a “waste” but I do wonder about someone who doesn’t even have kids already running away from ever having a job. It doesn’t sound like you are particularly well off and I wouldn’t be relying on your husband to be there for the next 50+ years - especially if you’ve married young. Also a bit bemused about why you think having kids will be an easier option with MH issues, I would say the opposite is true.

But, you do you - as I say, you don’t want to seem to listen to other perspectives here so do crack on!

It seems to be a bit of a conundrum with friends. We work hard at school, university then have a career. Then we become a parent and want to work hard at that too. Why should parenting be a lesser role?
Most of my friends have had a stint at being sahms whilst the dc were young, as that’s a tough job in itself.
Then, when the dc start school, for many it does seem a waste of education and experience to stay a sahm. But it’s also hard to go back to full time work and still meet all the demands of parenting and be satisfied you’ve done everything really well.
I work part time as I did feel it was a waste for me not to. It’s important to me to work in some capacity. I know that’s not true for everyone but the fact that you’re asking this question means there’s something bothering you.

2kool4skool education should never be seen as a waste.

I'm a qualified solicitor with 12 years experience at a very high level. I have been a SAHM for last 9 years for my disabled child (and 2 others). No not wasted, I write a damn good letter and can put together a good argument to get him the help he needs. Plus I can talk to my daughters about my education, things I have seen and done, things they could see and do, things they might want to think about re the world they are exploring. Life is never quite how you plan it but I am happiest this way. My DH is a high earner, we have a comfortable life, my kids are happier than they would be if I wasn't there fighting their corner and I don't give anyone that disrespects me headspace.