To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

Yes, I feel like I completely wasted my time doing my degree. I thought I wanted to be a history teacher when I left school. I got a First with Honours but it left me with terrible mental health and avoidance issues related to WW2 and didn't want to be a history teacher anymore. I was a SAHM for q long time. I would have been better off doing art (which I enjoyed) or going into what I am in now - hair and makeup.

I don’t know if this has been mentioned but I think been a SAHP when your children start school is very different to the baby/toddler stage.

I became an accidental sahm when my eldest was born with special needs. I went back for a few months but it was too difficult to juggle everything. I went on to home educate him, although my other 3 are at school.

The younger 3 are all academic and enjoy school which I think my education has contributed a lot to. "We are always talking about things" as one of my son's friends once said!

I would say that it is quite lonely being a sahm as it is so rare these days. I am in the house most of the time which can be a drag. The other big downside is the money of course! It is quite tight managing on one income and you have to be very disciplined with budgeting, especially as they get older.

I'm hoping to start the process of getting back into work when my eldest starts college next year.

This is going to be possibly a bit controversial—and to be clear here am only talking about SAHMs in the case of setting out to spend decades not working:

Yes it fairly clealry is wasted education, paid for by the state that will get nothing back in exchange. And deciding to home educate as part of an excuse to permanently opt out to the labour market is a decision made for you, not the children, who in the vast majority of cases would much prefer a normal life with friends and a wider range of viewpoints. I know I would have absolutely hated it as a child, and if I’d been forced to do it so my mum had an excuse to not work I really would not have thought kindly about her.

This is a totally different situation to women who take out a few years, or who have children with additional needs—but women who decide to essentially just not grow up and get a job are not necessarily in the best place to be raising and educating kids to learn about the world. Let alone the fact they’re in a horribly vulnerable position, they have no life beyond children and some hobbies. It’s a claustrophobic world, and not one all children would chose to be a part of.

Plus yes I do think it’s a bit ridiculous that the next generation would be having to pay for an education that served no purpose for the country.

Sorry this was v harsh, but these are my honest views. Education is such a precision thing, and I think it’s really quite tragic to see it wasted like this, and to see this example of womanhood being set for children.

My experience: I am a SAHM for 10 years and I really wished I'd never given up work. When my kids were little I completed my post grad, but despite applying for jobs and having countless interviews the last 3 years I'm always turned down due to having no recent experience, or my referee being a woman I've been doing volunteer work for the past 7 years ('we need recent work related referees').Frankly, the attitude of recruiters to women in my situation is appalling. There is plenty of support for people who have been in prison, for example, looking for work, yet none for people like me.
My marriage also broke up 3 years ago, so while my ex's earning potential has risen in the last 10 years, mine has stalled. He is able to buy the kids lots of expensive things, live in a huge house and do lots of fun stuff, whereas I struggle with basic daily expenses. I'm so worried I'll never work again. It's scary.

I was a sahm for many years and have several degrees including a masters. I did definitely derail by career by staying home and when I re-entered the workforce I had to start at a lower level. But I absolutely loved being at home and it was the right choice for us. I also always seemed to have something else on the go besides being at home- we moved a few times including internationally and renovated houses. I also volunteered and had an active social life so I didn’t feel lonely.

Now that I’m back working full time my education is coming in handy again and I’m confident I’ll be able to progress in my career over the next few years. I also love studying so no regrets.

My question is what message does it send children, especially boys, when mummy has a great education and had a career but ends up staying at home for their entire childhood.

I have two friends who met their DH as working women and then when discussion turned to marriage and babies the DH said he always wanted his kids to have a SAHM like his mum was. In both cases as their DCs are getting older the women want to go back to work and their DH are pressuring them not to. In my opinion their DH see childcare as “women’s work” and have no intention of picking up the extra duties they’d have to if their wives return to work.

So for me just observing friends who aren’t happy about their current situations, I think women need to be very careful about making this choice and whether or not it’s going to be a permanent situation.

No, I have an undergraduate degree in classics, and a diploma in library services, and I have largely been a SAHM with some PT other things like childcare. I absolutely don't consider my education a waste, quite the opposite.

And I consider the idea that only paid work is good for society as a whole pretty silly. There is not more value in caring for children and getting paid than there is in caring for children and not getting paid.

I have a BA and a PGCE. I have not done anything with either of them. I don’t regret it. To me there is no more important job in the world than being a mother and raising a child. It’s a real shame that society doesn’t have more respect for our role. I sometimes worry that my daughter will grow up thinking that I was a failure as a woman and a feminist for not having a proper career but it’s just not what’s important to me. I’ve got at least 20 years to work once they start school!

Unless you are full time home educating your children, there’s no benefit to society for you being SAHM in relation to your degree. There may be a benefit for your family but that’s due to your innate caring abilities and role as a mother, not your education.

@turnitonagain

Unless you are full time home educating your children, there’s no benefit to society for you being SAHM in relation to your degree. There may be a benefit for your family but that’s due to your innate caring abilities and role as a mother, not your education.

On what possible basis could you say that?

Possibly if someone has a very job oriented type of qualification, like bricklaying, and they never lay another brick. Though it seems unlikely that a person wouldn't ever have any use for that knowledge again even then.

Most areas of study aren't like that, raising children isn't brainless, and SAHMs are actually living as citizens in their communities and interacting with them apart from being mothers.

What I’m saying is that a SAHM with an MA doesn’t have a greater value to society than a SAHM with no degree. It’s an important function but not one where level of education beyond the basic standard adds anything. Especially as from age 4 children are normally educated externally not at home.

I know many people who were raised very well by very averagely educated mothers and many who were raised poorly by frustrated highly educated mothers.

I have an MA by the way and it has added literally nothing to my ability to parent my children. I’m not going to fool myself into thinking if I quit work I’ll be at home raising future Einsteins because I’m just so brainy. It’s just wishful thinking people use to justify their choices.

I have what a lot of people would consider to be a "good" degree and I don't feel I'm wasting it as a SAHM. However, I fully intend to go back and do my PHD and then continue that into a career once my kids are all in school and I have more free time. Honestly, I think If I wasn't planning on doing this in the future, and was going to do the stay home mum/housewife thing for the rest of my years, I would feel like I was wasting my education.

Then again, you don't know what the future holds. You often hear women on here warning others about how vulnerable you are as a SAHM. I'm sure that many of them are speaking from difficult experience. If I came home and found my husband in bed with another woman I could divorce him without a second thought, safe in the knowledge that my degree and qualifications can get me decent enough employment to support me and my kids in a comfortable lifestyle. I imagine if you didn't have that safety net you could feel very powerless and end up trapped in an unhappy situation, totally at the mercy of the man you married.

I don't think that spending a few years in university to get qualifications with the plan that once you have a child or children that you will home school them is a good idea. The reality for the majority of couple's is that both people need to work even with one person doing pt work due to the cost of living.
Some women have this idea that they will have a family and it will be so easy but the reality can be far different. Along with this you don't know what will happen in the future. I know several woman who had to go back to work after their husbands died at a young age.

It is up to others what they do but I get sick of people blaming the government and employers when there 'home duties' skills are not enough to get them back on the workforce, or they split up from their husband and then complain they can't jump back into the same job they were doing 12 years ago on the same money.

I was made redundant when I was pregnant and went back to work when he was a year old, PT till he was 4 then full time from then on.

I just like being financially independent from my husband (nothing at all against him it is just I just feel like you can't see into the future)

@tigger001 her (now ex) husband and the rest of us were discussing politics. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but of more interest to most people than her daughter’s shoe size.

@Zahra2 I don’t quite get your point, I’m sorry. But yes, here I am sparkling at my desk already (admittedly not in the same time zone as the U.K.).

[quote MrsSchadenfreude]@tigger001 her (now ex) husband and the rest of us were discussing politics. Not everyone’s cup of tea, but of more interest to most people than her daughter’s shoe size.

@Zahra2 I don’t quite get your point, I’m sorry. But yes, here I am sparkling at my desk already (admittedly not in the same time zone as the U.K.).[/quote]
I wouldn't want to talk politics with you either. It'd probably be the last thing I'd discuss with someone so judgemental. I think she's been very canny to stick to "safe" subjects.

Out of interest, to the posters who think so little of SAHM mums and their contribution to society, do you think equally poorly of nannies? Do they "contribute to society"? Or are they layabout spongers too? Would a nanny with a degree or MA be of more value to you than one without?

Consider why your answers are probably different for SAHM mums and nannies.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I’ve hired nannies, never hired one based on having a degree or not. Ever. Experience is much more important as are references.

It’s actually more elitist to think that being highly educated means your mothering has more value to society than someone else’s does. Being a mother is not taught at uni, why would it make a difference to your ability to parent if you have a degree or not?

Society may benefit from your work as SAHM if you raise children who contribute to it, but not because of your education. It’s irrelevant.

[quote turnitonagain]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I’ve hired nannies, never hired one based on having a degree or not. Ever. Experience is much more important as are references.

It’s actually more elitist to think that being highly educated means your mothering has more value to society than someone else’s does. Being a mother is not taught at uni, why would it make a difference to your ability to parent if you have a degree or not?

Society may benefit from your work as SAHM if you raise children who contribute to it, but not because of your education. It’s irrelevant.[/quote]
I disagree. The research disagrees,

I think it depends what.

I studied Env Management but got a job straight from Uni in housing. Within a few years a lot of it was out of date and of you weren't working in the Env field it was increasingly hard to get in
So even at that point I felt I'd "wasted" it so to speak. Not the student experience as o left home, etc. but certainly wish I'd studied something else.
Became a SAHM after 11 years due to a poorly child and I feel a bit like o squandered the faith and opportunities people at work gave me. DS is 5 and I have young twins too so work still not in sight.

Now I'm studying OU with a view to going into teaching so hopefully this degree will be more "used"

I’ve seen the research. It’s about women being educated to a good standard basically around GCSEs and it’s almost all focused on developing countries. Things like understanding that dirty water is not safe for mixing formula etc. Never seen anything that links university education to better parenting when income is adjusted for.

My question is what message does it send children, especially boys, when mummy has a great education and had a career but ends up staying at home for their entire childhood.

Done right, it might send a message that there is more to life than work.

There's too many people who get all their value/esteem from work. A bit of balance is good, for boys and girls.

Very different to tell boys that mum is at home because that's a woman's role/lot. My DH and I split the at home stuff, we've both had gaps.

[quote turnitonagain]@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

I’ve hired nannies, never hired one based on having a degree or not. Ever. Experience is much more important as are references.

It’s actually more elitist to think that being highly educated means your mothering has more value to society than someone else’s does. Being a mother is not taught at uni, why would it make a difference to your ability to parent if you have a degree or not?

Society may benefit from your work as SAHM if you raise children who contribute to it, but not because of your education. It’s irrelevant.[/quote]
Also, just to clarify, you saw being a nanny and being paid to raise someone else's children is a more respectable choice than to someone choosing to look after their own children, or did it absolutely infuriate you having to pay a woman to sit and watch This Morning while letting your children run wild with a bag of wotsits like SAHM's do?

How is the same job only worthwhile if it's a stranger's child over your own?