To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

@Hardbackwriter

It's strange really, I'd never think to comment negatively on a thread specifically addressed to working mums (although I will be a working mum from next week) and use it as an opportunity to criticise their choices to make myself feel better about mine.

You might not but if you look at any of those threads then lots of SAHMs do. I remember being in tears when I asked a practical question about breastfeeding, directed at others who had gone back to work quite early, when DS was a baby and I got a thread full of people telling me how they could never have left their baby at six months and how much I'd regret it.

I agree with you that I don't know why people think it's necessary - I've always worked and intend to always work but have said on this thread and many others that I think people should make the decision that suits them best - but it's definitely not all one way.

And yet here you are, not a SAHM, answering a thread that is directed towards SAHM's.

I commented to say that education is never wasted, whatever you go on to do as a career, and pointing out that maternal education levels are strongly correlated with positive outcomes for children (a point that no one else had raised at that point and which the OP thanked me for), so in fact being strongly supportive of the OP - how is that an opinion that requires experience of being a SAHM, or which was somehow irrelevant to this thread because I'm not a SAHM?

I have felt that on occasion but usually after a shit day with the DC and it always passes. If anything being a SAHM had added to my education as I've had the chance to study towards another masters which will stand me in good stead when I go back to work in two years (youngest starts school then). I wouldn't have had the time/energy to do that if I'd been working full time. It gives me something adult to focus on and keeps the cogs turning and it's also meant my DC see me doing something other than being their personal servant! I insisted on carving out that time and they learnt to accept it. I would be concerned if a disrespect crept in towards me being "only" a SAHM as I've seen people speak disdainfully of their own mum for not working and I would be hurt by that attitude so studying is also a form of self-preservation against that line of thought if I'm honest.

I love learning and would never see education as time wasted regardless. Plus my career pre-DC isn't one where a break for a few years would be detrimental. I could pick up where I left off easily. My stance might be different if I was trained in a different industry.

Considering outcomes for children are closely linked to a mother's education levels, being a well-educated SAHM is surely a good thing? Wise to have a plan should you divorce/your partner dies obviously but it can be a really positive set up for all involved.

I'm an unusual position where I'm both a working mum and stay at home mum. I have my own company which is flexible working and I do it around my 2 year old - but essentially I.look after him full time.

The student debt is crazy these days so no, I wouldn't jump into that if I wasn't planning on working. But equally I truly can't imagine never wanting to work. It's so important for my mental health to work my brain in a different way and have something for me where I'm not just mum.

God forbid there's an accident with your husband and you needed to start working having a degree is valuable. Equally you might hate being a stay at home mum, you don't know! Sometimes the idea of it is more fun than the reality for many.

And yet here you are, not a SAHM, answering a thread that is directed towards SAHM's

Oh I must have misread the part where OP says that she's interested in opinions of "both SAHMs and WMs."

I don't feel like it's wasted at all! And I went on to study further after my children were born. I feel very lucky to have spent their younger years with them and it was easier not needing to balance home life and work when they were very small. I can't imagine ever regretting it. I do however understand that it can be very difficult getting back to work. Distance learning and volunteering are brilliant for CVs if you can do it.

@GoatCheeseTart

And yet here you are, not a SAHM, answering a thread that is directed towards SAHM's

Oh I must have misread the part where OP says that she's interested in opinions of "both SAHMs and WMs."

The thread title is directed at SAHM's so knowing how you felt when you received criticism about your own choices, you clicked on the thread and added your own opinion of something you have no experience of. It's absolutely no different to the awful treatment you received.

@mintyfreshh

In my case *@formerbabe* my DP's job is way more lucrative, so for us to be able to pay our bills we need his income. I was a teacher, well qualified with additional responsibilities, but I still earned half as much as DH (who is not a teacher).

@mintyfreshh

Oh it was no criticism of you at all. More an acknowledgment that caring responsibilities invariably fall to women and men are more often than not the higher earners. Not saying your dh feels like this but many men do not take on caring responsibilities because they know the women in their lives will do it.

I'm a sahm. I originally had a vague plan to go back to work when my youngest started school but 2 of my dc have significant disabilities so I don't feel like I can fit in a job as well as everything else at the moment. I don't think any education is wasted though.

I'm a SAHM (always the eventual plan) and a home educator (not the original plan, but I'm so glad we do) and I definitely don't feel my degree in English Literature is wasted. The most important skill it taught was critical thinking, which obviously you need in all walks of life.

My children have a variety of women who are important in their lives. Some worked and had children, like their Dr grandmother. Some were SAHMs with a side business, like my Mum. Some have succeeded in what's usually a man's world, like my SIL. Some have amazing jobs and no children (or intention to have children), like my incredible friend. My children can see these women and know that the choice of what they do in the future is entirely up to them.

My job is to teach them how to handle criticism, to read between the lines, to have faith in their abilities, to grow into happy, fulfilled women themselves, women who are equipped to make their own decisions.

So no, my education is not wasted.

And as for my brain atrophying because I'm supposedly not using it: I've learned new skills since becoming a mother (like gardening and making bread), I still read (a lot), and I'm doing some distance learning because I feel like it. My life is interesting and worthwhile too.

I don't think education, or experiences in general, are wasted, but I think this narrow ideal you're painting @trashaccount of only considering jobs that overty fits your topics of interest in a practical way and home education having to be up to 18 is wasting opportunities and possibilities & as others have said, ignores the risks and responsibilities for the benefits you see happening.

I'm a long-time home educator. I've also been a full time WOH parent with a spouse who was the main carer and SAH while recovering from an injury before transitioning to WFH this is what I thought our ideal would be and then I was hospitalized and even returning to work for a few months to finish a few things (academia so thankfully not physically intense), my spouse and I switched ended up places. I needed time to recover until I could work from home, he found a night job so he could be here if there was an emergency during the day. Life can take weird, messy turns and I think it's advisable for any adult to think on what will happen if your needs or desires drastically change and that pretty much any choices will get people who give you shit for it.

Many home educating families have all parents working (there are single parent home educating families too). I know far more that fit this model than the common image of one parent working, one parent who just does home education -- and I know a lot of home educating families with disabled parent(s) involved having been involved in this for over a decade. It's often either working different shifts so someone is always home and/or parent(s) working from home, but there are those who use childcare to facilitate this. There are many ways to balance different areas and needs in life.

Also, while in the UK far more home educators are those who've been kids out of school than starting that way, there are plenty of who started home educating who then have kids who go to school. A lot of colleges now run programmes for home educated teens from as early as Y9, many secondaries I've talked to have had home educated kids transfer in. Choosing to start doesn't mean committing to all of it, in fact as much as I think my kids have benefitted from primary at home, I think it's important from secondary that kids get a voice in their education. Just because something wasn't a good fit for us doesn't mean the same for our kids and even if not, that doesn't mean they shouldn't get the chance to try.

Must like there is a lot written about marriages shouldn't fulfill someone's every personal need and the damage that has been caused by putting everyone on one relationship and one family unit that 'used to take a village to do' as Esther Perel often puts it, I think the same is true for work. There is this ideal of everyone should have a career must tick all of our passionate boxes is really romaniticised individualistic nonsense. I know people with very interesting degrees who most often enjoy working in hospitality because it fits their lifestyle and they can apply their "transferable skills" and other parts of themselves while not having to muddy their interests with the crap that comes from doing their interests professionally. I find my research and writing skills work whether I'm working more obviously academic as an independent researcher or when I've done VA or edit work.

All jobs, even when we create them ourselves to fit how we want to help others, have many things that are draining and I think if we start with what barriers we can pile in our own way, we can miss out on other options out there and end up in a real mess when life gets messy. I think there can be benefits in staying at home for a time both for kids and for the adult to reassess, but even as a home educator, I think staying home to home educate is a very limited view of possibilities, benefits, and risks involved.

Interesting topic OP and some very thought provoking contributions from other posters.

My own life has had a period of both SAHM and WM. I was very high achieving academically and have a RG equivalent Honours Degree and and M.Litt. in a humanities subject. It might be considered a subject that is difficult to translate into a career apart from teaching it. It is niche and very competitive to really excel in. I have never taught and spent from my late 20's to mid 30's working in my field and loving it. I gained a lot of experience in these years but did not rise to the top of my profession - was always the 'next in command'.

I had dc at 35 and took 6 years out of work to be at home and I have absolutely zero regrets, they were some of the best years of my life.

We travelled extensively with dd - all over the place and we were often able to accompany dh on his work related trips. We experienced a lot together as a small family.

I went back to work in a very part time capacity (to do a favour for an organisation who were left in the lurch in the middle of a big project and they worked around my schedule for dd who was in junior school)

This led to another opportunity this time to become the most senior person of another organisation - I worked this position part time so I was always there for school pick up and afternoons at home. It was a stress as I did a full time role in part time hours for part time pay but it suited me. I did this for about 6 years and then went on to be the most senior person in another bigger organisation. And I am there now. Dd is in secondary school and either myself or dh are there every late afternoon when she gets out (working from home now anayway)

So, perhaps I was lucky? I got to do both as I wanted to but I believe having a really good degree and experience and profile before having dc really helped to jump back into the workplace.

I have always worked in my very niche field and love it so much. I'm very glad I went back to work when I did. I have no regrets.

I never felt I lost my identity in my 6 years at home - I was still me, I still read books, went to exhibitions, went to the theatre etc so always had plenty of things to talk about. I noticed some former colleagues really struggled with how to introduce me, as in 'This is Caperclips, she used to be......XX' . It used to make me laugh! Why wasn't it enough to just say my name?

I would be concerned for you though as I think it feels like you're running away from life outside of your house. And it would be a massive pressure on your dc to be the sole focus of your life. You may not be able to have dc or as many dc as you'd like. We had huge difficulties with a second pregnancy including infertility treatment and miscarriages so it's not always possible to plan.

I think it might be a waste for you not to experience all that life has to offer - there are so many jobs that might suit you with your qualifications. I have quite a few friends who studied both philosophy and psychology and they now do a range of jobs such as working as a workplace psychologist in a multinational, to being a philosophy professor in NY to being a psychologist in a top psychiatric hospital for the criminally insane..

I think you're very young to be making such far reaching decisions

@turnitonagain

Reminder - I am a parent, with more than one degree. In my opinion I rarely if ever utilise the skills from my higher education in day-to-day parenting. So I don’t know why you’re all acting like I’m talking out of my bum. How did my ability to write lengthy essays help me when my 5 year old threw herself to the ground because it was time to turn off the iPad? How did it assist me in wiping up sick when my 2 year old vomited from eating a piece of cake too quickly?

Maybe when my DC are at A Levels but if I continue working hard now I can retire or take a sabbatical then to help them revise

It probably didn't, and it wouldn't for anyone. And yes, people with little education can be great parents.

That's totally not the same as saying education is wasted as a SAHM.

My education informed my thinking about things like the value of work, what's important for a functioning society, what makes a person happy and productive, how children should be treated, about the nature of education.

As a SAHM I've done all kinds of things in the community too, which simply wouldn't have been possible had I been working in a career. Which is to say I contributed toward the fabric of the community. How I've done that has also drawn on the skills I had from my education.

Lots of peopel who have no education past the age of 12 make great parents. Would you say their education is wasted?

I don't think that it is a waste. I think that it is an interesting choice and agree that society has an interest in women educating children at home being educated themselves.

One thing you might think about though is that some studies have shown that teenage girls with SAHMs tend to go through a phase where they respect their dads a bit more due to them having more real world experience, particularly at a point when you are choosing your own path in the world. This was certainly the case for me. Not insurmountable, but just something to think about!

Nothing wrong with some time out of the workforce for good reason, but I'd be concerned about someone who is planning on never really being part of the workforce and in those circumstances, I would wonder about what purpose their education served.

Lots of SAHMs have engaged with paid work in the past or aim to do so in the future. You as an individual - not SAHMs as a category - are trying to avoid paid work at all. I do get that it's scary and often uncongenial, but it's not all that bad once you get stuck in.

Maybe it’s me: but I found wider western society does not respect the ludicrously demanding and physically exhausting role of mother. I’ve never had so many patronise me as I did while on maternity leave. Health visitors and midwives who just called me “mum”: it drove me insane. I couldn’t wait to get back to work (4 days a week) so I could once again have adult interaction and stretch my mind.

I personally would consider it a complete waste of my education (lawyer) to be a SAHM and would not want to place myself in such a financially vulnerable position.

Also, @trashaccount do you have any children yet? Are you sure you’d enjoy being a SAHM? I don’t think you can truly know until you have them. I certainly didn’t know how I’d react until I had my son and he will be my only one because I categorically do not want to place my career on the back-burner to go through the newborn and baby stage all over again.

I haven't read the whole thread, but have read ops posts.

I got a good degree and had a good career. I struggled when 3 DC arrived in 5 years, despite having switched to part time. I left work for 2 year break when DC3 was 3 then never went back. I have wanted to return to work for several years, but DC3 has SEN and it just isn't feasible. I don't feel I wasted my education as I had nearly 20 years of working in a good job. However I do feel wasted now. If I had stayed in my career I would probably have been earning 50% more than DH brings in, yet we had to split it the way we did as he struggles with our SEN child. It wasn't the plan for me to stop work age 40, but it's the way it turned out. Now I'd love to start using my brain properly again, but am still not in a position to, unless I can find something flexible I can do from home. I suppose what I am saying is, get your education, i don't think that is ever wasted, but be preparted that life might not turn out as you expect.

I did.

Masters degree in very niche area; that was 12yrs ago. I wasted it away by doing odd jobs because I thought the children needed me. They did , but probably not 10+ hours a day. If I had chosen a job, I would be around for less but at the end; they might have a secured future with me.

Now after 12 years I have only light admin experience and my degree is obselete as experience > degree and there are loads of people my age who have 15yrs of solid experience in that field.

At 40, I am now starting at 0, where kids aged 18 shall start. I dont know how much will pan out but I dont want to write the same thing at 45.

I wasted so much of potential, its not even funny. Its sad really.

Having said the above,
I dont regret the time spent with my kids at all.. I would choose all those moments again without a second thought. It made us happy.

What I regret is all that time I could have used when they went to school etc.. could have done better than just housekeeping over and iver gain and waiting for them to get back from school.