To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

@Zahra2

turniton - you found like you’re children are still quite young? Come on again in ten years time when you have the benefit of retrospect. You may find you see things differently.

That why I’m working now when they’re young. I have a few friends with older children and they tell me you want flexibility when they are teens as the emotional issues can be quite serious.

PILs has their youngest DC late and we’re retired when he was in secondary school. I can see the huge positive impact it had on him having parents around when he was a teen. So my plan is work now and then scale back when DCs are older. Maybe it will work, maybe it won’t, but if I have a solid 15-20 years of work on my CV taking those years off later won’t be such a risk.

@icecreamandcandyfloss she's already married, which to me is a red flag in and of itself.

turn - my neighbour who is a great friend always worked through having her three children and so did her DH. Both overseas a lot too. They had an amazing nanny who was part of the family really. She would do the spellings, reading etc when the kids were little - no problem.However, where it all fell apart, was that round here (London) we have an extremely competitive system for the 11 plus for the independent schools. They have to be a few years ahead of the national curriculum to have a chance at many if the schools. The nanny, with the best will in the world, couldn’t get across all the requirements for the different schools and the amount of preparation needed. It’s a minefield! Plus, it emerged that the eldest DS was dyslexic and needed extra help. So the DH gave up work and took the education side of things on, He totally turned the eldest around and has been on the case ever since. Now the DS is predicted three A* in his A-levels. The DH does property development on the side.

I’ve been SAH for 17 years, except I’ve also done property on the side. We have 4 kids so a slightly different situation for us and we would not have had 4 if I’d needed to work. I feel as if I’ve done loads I couldn’t have done (or wouldn’t have even known about) in terms of the DC education due to the fact I’ve had more time and space to focus on this. For instance, I have one who is dyslexic, so I’ve been on a course about this and have put a lot of research / energy in there. Now I have one applying to Oxbridge and one about to do GCSEs. It’s a lot. Not just the academic work itself. It’s the emotional support too.

I do think the MSc I did in my 20s was useful, as recently I’ve done another one part-time. It’s sooo much easier doing this kind of thing in your 40s. You have the confidence and I was whipping the essays off , compared to how long these things used to take. Now, at 50, DH has sold his main company and is re-focusing on other interests and I’m working for myself part-time in a way that can be flexible - eg. I see between 6 and 10 clients a week and it’s £70 per hour and no overheads as we’ve renovated a house do I have a detached practice room.

I know loads of women who have been SAHMs, but when they return to work, it’s something very different. Lots start up their own businesses etc and they can access the extra training or have the wherewithal to to this by dint of their earlier qualifications. Nothing is ever fixed and life shifts. So no, degrees etc are never wasted.

I don’t think it’s a waste of education if it’s what you want and you are in the position to afford a decent standard of living being a SAHP. I work almost full time hours compressed over 4 days which works really well for us. Before DC1 I did dabble with idea of staying at home for a few years but in reality it wouldn’t work for us. I had quite a traumatic birth which lead to awful PND and one of the things that really helped my MH was returning to work when baby was 8.5 months. It’s gave me routine and ‘adult time’ and I completed my masters which gave me a big sense of achievement which I really needed. My DC thrived in nursery and my days off are precious and dedicated to children/family time. I wouldn’t be a good parent staying at home. I have a cleaner and good support network which means I have a really balanced life between work and home. On a more practical note there’s wider implications of taking time out such as I would have had to do a return to practice course and gone back in at the bottom of the pay scale. No pension contributions for a couple of years and gaps in the CV. My eldest is almost 5 and friends who have children at a similar age and became SAHP are trying to get back into work are finding it really difficult whatever level of education as after 5 years their experience Isn’t contemporary, covid and the economy have had a huge impact and a couple are really struggling mentally with multiple rejections and feel they have ‘wasted’ their education and experience. I don’t necessarily think that is true as no one could have predicted a global pandemic and they have enjoyed their time at home. I think they deserve a medal I couldn’t do it but some of them feel they couldn’t have worked at that time. I am just incredibly grateful that we live in an age and society where we have options. I don’t think it’s necessarily a decision that can be made in advance either as before children I quite liked the idea but the reality is being back in work and using my education was best.

I was a sahm for 10 years, it's my education and interests and everything that's influenced my dc... It's been said in various studies that the education of the mother hugely determines the outcomes for the dc.

@Zahra2 I know you’re not suggesting that it’s impossible for children with two working parents to get good exam results. I managed it with very busy parents and a nanny whose first language wasn’t even English. Despite what your friends went through. I’m also not advocating a lifestyle where the parents are overseas and never home, that’s rather unusual isn’t?

turn - I’m not saying that because, like you, my parents worked and also had never been to uni and didn’t give me any input once I was at secondary school. Also, as I said, having 4 kids is different to having 2. But regardless, whether a woman is working or not, I think the individual woman herself is the best judge of her own life and where she feels she can make the most useful impact. It’s irrelevant what anyone else thinks. This is obvious.

Not all kids have the same ability. The idea that with a nanny the kids will struggle but with a SAHM they go to Oxbridge is a bit of an unfair comparison. Some nannies may also have degrees for a start. Or the mum may not have the patience to teach. Or the kids may be dyslexic and having mum pushing them is more toxic for family relationships than having a tutor. It’s really not a fair comparison. Besides, what about a life of your own - for the mum - instead of just raising kids as your only function!

@MrsSchadenfreude so isn't it that she just isn't interested in politics, im not quite sure how that links to her being a SAHM, surely her being a SAHM doesn't stop her staying up to date with politics ?

It baffles me, people who think SAHM just do exactly that, stay at home alone with their child all day, all the time.
I also find it strange when people seem to say their partners would be extremely bored of them if they became a SAHP, this surely only makes sense if all you ever talk about is work and you don't have a good relationship, as this would mean if you couldn't work due to ill health, they simply wouldn't find you interesting anymore.

Education is not only for a job role, it's a personal growth, quench your thirst for knowledge, it amazes me how some people only do these things for others to employ them and not for themselves

[quote tigger001]@MrsSchadenfreude so isn't it that she just isn't interested in politics, im not quite sure how that links to her being a SAHM, surely her being a SAHM doesn't stop her staying up to date with politics ?

It baffles me, people who think SAHM just do exactly that, stay at home alone with their child all day, all the time.
I also find it strange when people seem to say their partners would be extremely bored of them if they became a SAHP, this surely only makes sense if all you ever talk about is work and you don't have a good relationship, as this would mean if you couldn't work due to ill health, they simply wouldn't find you interesting anymore.

Education is not only for a job role, it's a personal growth, quench your thirst for knowledge, it amazes me how some people only do these things for others to employ them and not for themselves [/quote]
Very well put.

I'd be devastated if my husband's interest in me was hinged on something so flimsy.

Personally, I can never wait for DH to fill me in on the FTSE 100 or various tax / interest rate scenarios of an evening. One of the highlights of the day.

So many silly attempts to demonise mums staying home to raise their children. The post title is goady af. Women tearing down other women. Women who define themselves by working outside the home for someone else, point-scoring and thinking everyone has to be the same or they're somehow not 'worthy' enough, just crave to feel 'better than'. Worse than patriarchy. I never hear anyone go on about this in real life.

I've been keeping myself off this thread to give people the space to express their opinions, but I'm wondering why you think the title is goady, @DeeCeeCherry?

@trashaccount

I've been keeping myself off this thread to give people the space to express their opinions, but I'm wondering why you think the title is goady, *@DeeCeeCherry*?

I suppose I agree that it is quite a goady thread title because you're asking for the opinions and experiences of SAHM while knowing it will attract the negative opinions of working mums. It's strange really, I'd never think to comment negatively on a thread specifically addressed to working mums (although I will be a working mum from next week) and use it as an opportunity to criticise their choices to make myself feel better about mine. Each to their own though.

My kids won't be little forever. I had a job until I had DD (age 28). When my twins start secondary school I'm planning on working part time, and when they're old enough that I don't need to be available I'll be working full time again (obviously if I need to go back sooner for financial reasons I will).

I suppose I agree that it is quite a goady thread title because you're asking for the opinions and experiences of SAHM while knowing it will attract the negative opinions of working mums.

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken To be totally fair, I did say; "though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs" which may not be good enough, but people can share their views if they'd like to. I don't think tearing other women down for their choices whatever those choices are is a helpful thing to do, whether WM or SAHM. Apologies if it came off as goady though

“ I never hear anyone go on about this in real life.”

Exactly! Nobody ever does. I’d go so far as to call it a MN phenomenon! Nobody has ever asked me if I work or not in 17 years. At the school drop-offs and pick/ups, It’s 80% mums there. No idea who works and who doesn’t in between these times, Who cares?

I had no choice but to be a f/t carer to my autistic child, not what I imagined at all as a pregnant woman in my early thirties but this is my reality now and I have to learn to live with it.

I am renumerated by the government, but it's a pittance and works out at less than £10 a day.

People talk about being a SAHM like it's a choice, but for many it really isn't.

No, I don't regret education. I have wanted to be a SAHM to my future children since I was a teenager, but still went to university. I did a degree in a specific profession, got a graduate job in that field and practiced for 8 years, taking professional qualifications during my career.

I don't think I intend to go back to that work when my children are older, but I maintain my CPD and professional membership just in case.

University and my career, though relatively short, taught me skills that are beneficial to my life now and I hope I will pass them on to my children. I made friends for life at university and I look back on those days so fondly.

People talk about being a SAHM like it's a choice, but for many it really isn't

I agree but isn't it funny how men aren't forced into these caring roles stuck at home?

It's strange really, I'd never think to comment negatively on a thread specifically addressed to working mums (although I will be a working mum from next week) and use it as an opportunity to criticise their choices to make myself feel better about mine.

You might not but if you look at any of those threads then lots of SAHMs do. I remember being in tears when I asked a practical question about breastfeeding, directed at others who had gone back to work quite early, when DS was a baby and I got a thread full of people telling me how they could never have left their baby at six months and how much I'd regret it.

I agree with you that I don't know why people think it's necessary - I've always worked and intend to always work but have said on this thread and many others that I think people should make the decision that suits them best - but it's definitely not all one way.

In my case @formerbabe my DP's job is way more lucrative, so for us to be able to pay our bills we need his income. I was a teacher, well qualified with additional responsibilities, but I still earned half as much as DH (who is not a teacher).

People talk about being a SAHM like it's a choice, but for many it really isn't

That's a shame, it's a choice for many but it should be a choice for all.
So should finding a partner who puts your work/life on an equal footing to his.

I swing between yes and no on this question although I'm not technically a SAHM as I work part time (for now anyway as company making redundancies ). I have a law degree but did not go on to do Law college after it as I felt at the time it wasn't for me. I was painfully shy and I often look back and think why on earth did I do a law degree. I actually did well in my degree as academically I do well but I had no chance of getting a training contract going into interviews all shy and nervous. I often wish I had done something more in the sciences. Anyway I got a job that didn't require a degree but was fairly well paid and allowed me time to travel. Me and DH had a wonderful 7/8 years where we travelled so much. I know I couldn't have done that if I was training to become a solicitor. We now have two DC and I just work a couple of days a week.
I often look at my friends many who have good careers and I do feel regret. I often feel we could be earning a lot more if I worked. Yet at the same time I want to be home with my babies. I would hate to work full time and someone else look after them more than me. I personally think that would make me feel a lot worse. I think I have a good balance working a couple of days.
All being well I am hoping in a couple of years to do a HR course and maybe start a career in HR.

Education is never wasted, it is of value simply for its own ends. Learning how learn, how think critically are important whatever you do in life, and all of society benefits with a educated populace.