To ask if you feel you've "wasted" your education by being a SAHM?

[trashaccount]

To preface, I don't view it this way at all. I'm in full time education right now, with the intention of being a SAHM in the future and (probably) home educating my kids.

I don't feel any education is necessarily "wasted" as you still gain something from it, but there's definitely a niggling feeling in the back of my mind that I'm doing it for very different reasons than my peer group.

Interested in hearing opinions (though please let's try and keep it respectful to both SAHMs and WMs). Thank you!

@IsaInTheLift But there are more people trained in my old career than there are jobs in it, and actually I wasn't all that good at it in practice anyway. This is very true. I can't speak about other careers necessarily, but I think the actual practicality of me becoming a philosopher is slim Which is a shame, because I'd look bloody brilliant in a toga.

@MotherofPickles Sorry to hear about your friends (though I'm not sure I'd consider them as such). It's great to hear that you have enjoyed your time with your children though - if it's OK to ask, was there a deciding moment where you chose to become a SAHM or was it for the purposes of ease / convenience and you found you actually ended up enjoying it?

@DDIJ Do you regret the time you were a SAHM in that case?

@Orangecake123 Very cool to hear someone in a similar position! Is there anything that's holding you back? Definitely feel a lot of social stigma as a ton of weight is placed on the idea of being traditionally successful and totally independent, but I'm not sure this way of living would make me happy.

Definitely spent a lot of time making all the right noises and dilly-dallying trying to do what other people thought made me successful, but ultimately I find true joy in other things and I think being a SAHM gives me the best option of experiencing as many of these things as possible - as well as giving me a lot of time to spend with the hypothetical kids, which I'm very grateful to be able to even consider.

@mishmash13 A novel! That's incredible, well done you! Do you mind if I ask what it's about? Whether it gets published or not it's still a massive feat and something to be proud of - definitely trying to figure out the idea that not every choice I make is for public praise, but very tricky indeed!

I have a degree but I don't feel I'm wasted staying at home, sometimes I wish I went out to work for a change but in reality I have a job lined up when my youngest starts school.

(Don't panic, I pay NI, have a pension, have savings and I'm married)

My attitude is that my certificates can sit safely in my drawer. My children's childhoods won't wait and I can't get that time back.

This is actually so true. I suppose since I'm not particularly career minded, there's not as much pressure to get on the ladder and start climbing at the first instance. I guess I might have the opportunity to do some work / more education later on if that's what I'm keen on.

And I definitely think that teaching children using your education is probably more beneficial than jobs that often don't actually require degrees on a day-to-day basis and is more of a status symbol (though no disrespect to anyone in this kind of job of course, we're all trying to make waves in our own ways)

@DDIJ I regret having children and I regret going to university.

What would have been your preferred lifestyle, if you could go back and do it again?

@trashaccount I hear what you are saying and I once thought that ALLi wanted was to be a sahm...however being a sahm is not all rosy and for me and my mental health going back to work made me a much better mother and I gotta be "me" too. Don't write yourself off before you even become a sahm...you might not even enjoy it as much as you think.

As I've said, I disagree that education is ever wasted and I have no problem with people choosing to be SAHMs (would never want it for myself, but that doesn't mean others shouldn't!) but I do think it's naive to think that degree certificates can just sit in a drawer until they're needed. Apart from a very few types of qualification (e.g. teaching qualifications, as teaching is a career where it's quite easy to step out and then back in) they don't need to keep their value if not accompanied with work experience. It's not realistic to think you can do a degree, not work for a decade and then have the same options as you did at the end of the degree. People on MN love to say that your career can wait until your children are older but for the vast majority of people it won't - just as your children are only little once, for most people those opportunities only come once. Which isn't to say that there won't be great alternatives later, or that it makes it a bad decision overall, but it's naive to think that you can drop your career in the medium term and just pick it back up later, as if there's no cost to being a SAHM.

*got to not gotta...

My husband’s sister went to Oxford and studied law. Met her husband at 28, got married, had 3 kids quickly. Went on mat leave after the first kid and never went back. Her husband is also a high flier and big earner (close to 7 figures most years).
I’m on the fence as to whether her education was wasted or not. For the most part I tend to think, they are perfectly happy with their arrangement. The reality is that a good 50% of my friends are SAHMs and all of them once had high flying careers. The reality is that we all met husbands who are equally high earners and some of chose to keep working and some decided to stay at home with the kids.
For most it was a choice to keep working, which is a very lucky position to be in.

I don’t think any education is wasted but it is the experience you get while working consistently that is difficult to regain.

Myself and the majority of my friends all had kids at roughly the same time and are coming out the other end of the main SAHM period really, most kids in ft school. I have worked in a professional career throughout, full time, through necessity not choice. I always anticipated I would at least go pt once I had kids but it wasn’t a possibility. A some of my SAHM friends were quite judgey about this and me outsourcing the looking after my own kids (so to speak).

A lot of my friends became SAHMs, mainly because they wanted to and have high earning partners. Several of them are now bored shitless, their husbands are resenting what appears to be their a life of Riley while their kids are at school and they’re struggling to find jobs.

@kittykat35 That's incredibly true, I'm trying not to be too hasty on deciding I'll enjoy being a SAHM before I become one. Who knows, maybe becoming one will be the kick up the bum I need to desire a career - the universe works in mysterious ways!

I guess I've probably been put off by the fact that a lot of my interests aren't really tailored to work very well. For example, philosophy - lots of people think it's a relatively useless degree and I'm not sure it'll necessarily lead me into any career, really. Don't think anyone's keen on paying for my philosophical ramblings

Ah thanks @trashaccount. It's pretty trashy fantasy type stuff and not expecting to publish traditionally I just enjoy doing it. But it is hard isn't it because we are sort of conditioned to feel like things are worthwhile if they translate to success financially or kudos wise. I spend all of my free time writing so I had to unschool my ego in this a bit when I realised I am definitely not the next jk Rowling. If its still enjoyable to me it's worthwhile enough.

I was a SAHM for some time.

The negatives of it have been that it did leave me very vulnerable to DV and has left in a legal and financial mess which has dragged on for years. I still haven’t got back on my feet career wise and am working in retail. Although to be fair, most of my co-workers also have a degree and have not been SAHMs!

The positives of it are that I absolutely loved being a SAHM. It was just an amazing time of my life, and I loved getting to spend so much time with my kids (and dogs!). I also got to go and visit elderly family members much more than I would have done working, and I wouldn’t give up those memories for anything.

My kids are now over 18 and they are my best friends. We are all very close and I don’t regret a moment of being a SAHM. Yes I am in a financial mess, but maybe I can turn that around. My advice would be to not do the PGCE until after SAHM part is done so that you can return to work with a ‘fresh’ qualification. If I had my time over I would have married someone else (obviously), been a SAHM if they agreed and had more kids than I did.

No, my education (paper and life experience) allowed me to make a CHOICE based on my own wants and needs and those of my family. There are mothers with no choice (whether to be a SAHM due to lack of accessible childcare, or whether to work in a job they don't enjoy to pay bills). IMO this is the divide in society, not working mothers v SAHM

@DelilahfromDevon I guess on a macro-sociological scale the fact that women are usually ones to stay home probably doesn't help our voices being heard (within politics, employment etc). But in terms of your husband's sister, I suppose it depends on what her long-term goals were. E.g. if she pursued education in terms of getting a long-term career and becoming a SAHM was something she got roped into through circumstance. Or alternatively, she loved the degree she did and being a SAHM was just another aspect of something that would make her happy.

@carrotcakey Several of them are now bored shitless, their husbands are resenting what appears to be their a life of Riley while their kids are at school and they’re struggling to find jobs. Do they have external things that make them feel successful like hobbies or interests? Are they generally married to bastards?

I think motivations for wanting to become a SAHM usually effect the outcomes. And I'm not saying that as a "perfect example" by any means because I know that to a certain extent I'd struggle with the day to day commitments of work and I also have low self esteem, but I also to my core want to dedicate myself to my family and the happiness of my kids.

I'm a SAHM with a degree. I did a lot career wise before kids and i hope I'll pick it up again once they need me a bit less.

I read somewhere once that the children who do well academically tend are often the children of well educated SAHMs who talk to them a lot. Which i do. So i hold on to that, the fact my education is being passed to them in that way.

But yes we don't tend to value caring work in this country in my opinion. Its reflected in our treatment of the elderly too. My husband's country have a completely different attitude which has been eye opening.

I do feel that but I think it's depression/frustration talking. I'm about to finish my 2nd degree (started when I became a sahm) but I don't see myself ever using it. I didn't exactly choose being a sahm though, I had postpartum psychosis with dc1 and by the time I was recovered enough to look for another job, I was pregnant with dc2.

I am not a SAHM - it sounds great sometimes but I don't think women/mothers get an easy ride either way . I just don't think there is the luxury long term of being a SAHM without stress of potentially exposing yourself to financial risk/poor pension etc later and many SAHM will only encounter this fact too late. Getting an education and using it is key, the education bit is only a start point. Always have a plan B..and possibly C.

It depends on why you’re getting an education.

If you believe the only purpose of learning something it to earn money from it, then it will be wasted.

If not, it won’t.

If you are self funding the education (so not taking loans that you won’t pay back) and then can afford to not work (as you have savings/trust fund) then I suppose its Like a hobby to study but wouldn’t actually be used after.

I wouldn’t be supporting mine through a degree knowing they had no plans to work after. Complete waste of money imo. Neither would I be impressed if they took the loans with no intention of giving the money back.

To be honest if I hadn't returned to work after maternity leave after having my 2 dc, then yes I would have felt like I'd wasted my degree. I don't judge what anyone else does decide to say, but for me personally I would have felt it was wasted. Not only that but, I would have trouble getting back in to nursing if l left for too long (return to nursing course etc). I'm currently doing a post grad diploma and my dc are 7&8. I want something for myself and did not want to be a sham. That said I did work part time after dc 1 was born, and in the last year went to 30 hours and I have been back full time following a promotion since July.

I agree with others saying that you shouldn’t assume you’ll love being a SAHM - you just won’t know until you try it. And it also depends on your partner being happy with you being a sahm - it should be a family decision due to the huge financial impact (lost earnings in future likely as well as for the time you do it). I personally am very like you - highly educated, want to be an sahm, and have somehow found myself on the “career track” working in an incredibly intense high paying City job and wondering if my sahm dreams will happen (TTC issues). But even though being a sahm is what I’ve always wanted I don’t think you should mentally check out of a career before you have kids in case it turns out you hate being a sahm. Plus it’s good to have a few years of good earnings under your belt first so being a sahm is even an option.

@mishmash13 Haha yes, there's definitely a pressure for any hobby / interest you have to be a thing you make money off of (and somehow become an overnight millionaire) mainly because it fits into the "rags to riches" narrative of what success looks like. It's great you can disentangle ego from interest though, and I wish you the best of luck with your book!

@Stripesnomore So lovely to hear you have a close relationship with your kids! I had a relatively dysfunctional childhood and making my family (inc. hypothetical kids) feel loved and important is vital for me, potentially why I'm keen to dedicate a big chunk of my life to them. I think I just genuinely value family over financial success, though I'm not necessarily writing off getting a job if I need to or decide I want one. Hope the DV proceedings go smoothly and some of these financial worries dissipate, good luck!

@changingnamesandkeepingsane You're right, choice is a privilege that I should be grateful for. I guess I'm fortunate that I'm very enthusiastic about the idea of being a SAHM, as if I wasn't I would have to put off having children (we earn enough to support ourselves and a child, but would have to wait if there were all of the childcare costs associated with me working)

@trashaccount ah it’s ok, this thread is making me feel much better! I wish I had dithered a bit less in my twenties and seized a few more career opportunities; I also made an absolutely disastrous move overseas which killed a fledgling career in a niche industry. But if Id done things differently maybe I wouldn’t have all the good things I now have in my life! I feel like if my career is the only thing I worry about in life then I’m doing pretty well really.